Second chapter-- First Cut Hurts the Worst

Spoilers—Finale season six, and any other times this happened. Okay, I am taking a little creative license and switching the timetable of two details from canon. But they make the story so much better. If you spot them and really think they don't work PM me and I might change it a tiny bit. Otherwise I think it works better.

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or much else for that matter. What I do own are my dreams and imagination, and they are priceless.

Warnings – Rated a strong T for violence, disturbing imagery and language, but not really until the second chapter. Then take the warning seriously.

A/N – Some people might think this is very OOC for Gibbs. But if you think about it, how does he let out all those emotions he keeps inside? Please give this a chance.

First Cut Hurts the Worst

Jethro realizes that his butt is getting numb from his long jog down nightmare lane. He stands slowly allowing his muscles to recover from the position he has semi frozen them into with his reminiscing. He reaches over to his almost empty bottle of bourbon and scowls at the thought of having to go back up stairs to get another bottle. He's been drinking a little more than usual lately and has forgotten to restock his supply in his basement. The jetlag is still messing with his head anyway making him feel half drunk, so only a fourth of a bottle of bourbon should be enough to complete the job.

"So what?" he asks himself out loud, "I'll just do this one somewhat sober and remember it more. It's the least she deserves."

He walks around the partially completed boat one last time. All boats are female he remembers, and they all lure their men away from their loved ones and off to the sea. Of all the boats that he has ever built and named after women he has loved, he knew this one would never be named and it would never have a chance to see the water. Just like the feelings for the real woman behind this boat would never have had a chance to see reality. He can feel the anger beginning to build deep in his chest and he knows it won't be long now until this part is over.

The process is always the same. First the relationship is over before he can fully finish the boat. Second, he sits in the basement staring at said boat realizing what he has done wrong to bring the relationship to an end. Then as he gets angry at whichever side he feels is more to blame he will start to pace around the boat cursing himself and the woman for the failed relationship.

That is why destroying the boat he had finished and named for his daughter Kelly was so ugly. He could not find any way to blame the innocent child that was taken from him so violently before her time. So after having lived through the hell of remembering losing her after waking up from his coma, he took the full blame on himself. His soul has never been quite the same since that experience. He knows he better get on with this before the sadness can seep in and replace the anger.

Jethro picks up the bottle and drains the last of the liquor in one long gulp. He then smashes the bottle hard enough on the boat to shatter the bottle.

"That's the only sendoff you'll ever get." He yells at the boat which now has small amounts of golden liquid streaming down its wood.

"We never had a chance. We could have never had a chance." Gibbs picks up the ax that he uses to cut wood for the fireplace and raises it above his head with both hands, "I could have loved you so much."

He cries out with all the anguish in his heart as the blade sinks deep into the wood. The first cut into the wood always hurts him the worst. The realization that yet again the chances for his dreams of happiness are over, and so another boat has to be destroyed, cuts deeper into his soul than the ax into the wood. He continues chopping at the frame of the boat while screaming everything his heart has hidden for the past four years.

"I took you into my trust."

The ax makes the sickening sound of whack as it sinks into the wood of the boat.

"I took you onto my team."

Whack

"I trusted you completely and let you into my heart."

Whack Whack Whack

Sweat and tears begin to pour down his face as the boat begins to shiver under his assault. He continues for several minutes until a pile of splinters begin to gather at his feet. As he looks down at a stain on the floor, his anger and pain renew in his heart.

"You killed for me."

Whack Whack Whack

"I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you."

Whack

"I was just supposed to train you and you captured me instead."

Whack Whack Whack Whack

As his sobs begin to keep pace with his powerful blows to the side of the boat he does not hear the quiet footfalls on his basement steps. She'd been checking to see when they would arrive when she got Tony's call. He had sworn her to secrecy, but said she might need to check in on Jethro. She watches his break down and her silent tears do not disturb him as he continues his assault on himself and the boat.

"How could I ever think you could love a dirty old bastard like me?"

Whack

"You had every guy panting after you without even trying."

Whack

"You led Tony around like some shit faced love sick puppy."

Whack Whack Whack Whack

"You could have saved him after Jenny died but you cut him to the damn bone instead."

Whack Whack Whack

"You made me choose you bitch! You made me choose and you knew I couldn't!"

The boat begins to crumble under his strong blows so he moves his attack without looking up.

"Now what am I supposed to think when that son of bitch director tells me you were playing me all along?"

Whack Whack Whack

"Were you really lying to me all along?"

Whack Whack Whack

"Did I ever have your loyalty?"

Whack Whack Whack

"Did I ever have your trust?"

Whack Whack Whack

"Could I have ever had your love Ziva?"

With a last heavy blow the boat completely falls to pieces before him. The noise almost covers the gasp she lets out at the admission he has voiced. He looks her way sharply.

"You shouldn't be here." His chest heaves as his efforts catch up with him.

"I knew you were hurting." She says walking cautiously up to him as one would walk up to a wounded wild animal.

"I never wanted you to see me like this." His tears and sweat still wet his face and his clothes are covered in splinters and dust.

"You've seen me at my worst, and still love me." She carefully takes the ax from his hands and sets it down as far away as possible without stepping away from him.

"You have never hurt me. You could never hurt me." He tries to turn away from her.

"That's not true. It hurt you when you found out about Michael." She takes the gloves off of his hands.

"I was more scared than angry." He tries to turn back towards the pile of destroyed wood.

"Come with me." She says softly brushing large splinters off of his clothes.

"I have to clean this up." He tries to argue but he lets her slowly lead him away from the pile of rubble towards the stairs.

"Later," she leads him up the basement stairs, "Your about to fall down you are so tired."

"You don't have to take care of me." He lets her tug him up to his room.

"Someone needs to." She carefully takes his sweat soaked shirt off of his shoulders as he begins to shake from fatigue.

"Go away." He tries to turn away from her one last time.

"No." She slips off his shoes.

"You were never supposed to see me break down like this." He slides off his jeans as she turns around to pull down the covers on his bed.

"I still love you. I always have. No blinders needed." She whispers as he lets her help him lay down on his bed.

"You still love me?" He asks beginning to fall asleep as she gently strokes and kisses his face and hair.

"I always will." She says placing the comforter over him as he starts to softly snore. With one last kiss to his cheek she walks out of his room. She calls Ducky to make sure he comes by in the morning and then Abby softly closes Jethro's front door behind her.