50 Ways to Avoid Imminent Death (AKA 50 Ways to Stun/Confuse/Distract Lord Voldemort Long Enough to Make an Escape)

WARNING: These suggestions may just as likely get you killed on the spot. FOLLOW AT YOUR OWN RISK!

1) Kiss him full on the mouth.

2) Shout, "Oh, shit! I just got my period!" whether or not you are actually a woman. Even the darkest of Dark Lords is uncomfortable with the topic of menstruation.

3) Pull out your cell phone and tell him that Darth Vader (or any other notable science fiction villain) is on the other line. Relay to him the message that Vader or villain-of-your-choice is challenging him to a duel to determine supremacy.

4) Tell him Harry Potter is standing right behind him.

5) Tell him Albus Dumbledore is standing right behind him.

6) Give him a love note signed 'Peter Pettigrew' surrounded by an excess of cute little hearts.

7) Tell him that you just saw Nagini – she was on fire, and the Golden Trio was roasting marshmallows over her incinerated body.

8) Give him a big hug while singing the Barney theme song. Afterward, if you're still alive and you're feeling especially brave, tell him you're sorry his parents didn't love him.

9) Hand him the business card of a notable plastic surgeon. Say, "They can do wonders for your nose….or, lack thereof…"

10) Give him a beautifully wrapped present and sing happy birthday, whether or not it is actually his birthday.

11) If your death has been preplanned, get a house elf to slip some U-No-Poo into his morning pumpkin juice on the day of your planned death. While Voldy is busy struggling on the toilet, RUN!

12) Tell him you think Grindelwald is a much cooler dark wizard. Suggest going to him for tips.

13) Read Twilight to him. Escape while he is busy obsessing over Edward Cullen.

14) Give him a complicated algebraic equation. Try to explain it, and leave him scratching his head.

15) Kick him where it hurts.

16) Start singing showtunes.

17) Express your undying love. Serenade him, preferably.

18) Use Legilimency to make him relive every time he was defeated by Harry Potter…over….and over…and over…(WARNING: For the skilled Legilimens only)

19) Get him drunk.

20) Pretend to be his therapist. No matter what he says, respond with, "And how does that make you feel?"

21) Tell him about the beautiful diadem/ring/any fitting Horcrux you saw the other day. Say that you accidentally stepped on it and it shattered to pieces.

22) Tell him he's the father of your child. (WARNING: This will only work if you are a woman)

23) Shoot him. Say, "See? Muggles have killing curses too!"

24) Tell him Umbridge has a crush on him. Suggest the idea of bald, noseless toad babies. Leave while he is retching.

25) Point behind him and shout, "Look! It's the Elder Wand!"

26) Use one of the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Portable Swamps to turn wherever you are into a swamp. If you're lucky, Voldemort will end up stuck in some deep, murky water. If you're really lucky, he won't know how to swim.

27) Sick a Hungarian Horntail on him.

28) Tell him Gelert Grindelwald is just outside the door, and he's come to take his rightful place as the Dark Lord.

29) Tell him Neville Longbottom has just declared himself the Dark Lord Happydoodles.

30) Insist that the reason he wants to kill Harry Potter so badly is because he feels inferior to the Boy-Who-Lived. (WARNING: It is extremely likely that this will get you killed on the spot, but if you're lucky you'll argue with him until he's so exhausted, he'll fall asleep)

31) (Idea created by Windsofdreams) Tell him to join the Snakey Club. Members include Lord Orochimaru (Naruto) and Medusa (Soul Eater).

32) Run up to him and shout, "You can't kill me!" When he asks you why not, shout, "Because the Dolphin King will eat you!!!"

33) Insist that you are his and Bellatrix's love child.

34) Tell him that you can magically make his hair grow. Go up behind him and hit him hard over the head, knocking him unconscious.

35) Pretend to be the reincarnation of Salazar Slytherin.

36) Assemble an army of rabid squirrels. Right before Voldemort Avada Kedavra's you, do the squirrel call. Your army will stampede to your rescue.

37) Pretend to be/become a Jahovah Witness and try to convert him.

38) Bring a priest, a bible, and a rosary when Voldemort summons you. Have the priest perform an exorcism on him. (Who knows, maybe it will actually work!)

39) Go up to him and start gnawing on his arm. Tell him he tastes like a pineapple.

40) Pretend to be a cat and rub against his legs. Purr, for extra measure. (Maybe he'll like you and decide to make you his eighth Horcrux!)

41) Sing the "I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves" song.

42) De-age him. Raise him to become a pharmacist.

43) Give him a puppy. Puppies make everyone happier.

44) Bend down on one knee and ask him for his hand in marriage. Stick the fake-Horcrux-ring on him. Laugh as the poison begins to turn his hand black.

45) Steal Hermione's time-turner. Use it to send him back to the age of the dinosaurs.

46) Set upon him a herd of obsessive teenage fan girls.

47) Transfigure a tree, if you are outdoors, or a couch, if you are indoors, into an angry rhinoceros.

48) Better yet, transfigure something into Michael Jackson! (RIP, MJ!)

49) Set Voldy on fire.

50) Use the Imperius to make him shag Mrs. Norris.