Anthy's Turn

by sharnii

Now it's my turn to go to you.

No matter where you are, I'll find you for sure.

Wait for me, Utena.

~ Anthy in Episode 39: 'Someday, Shine With Me'

Her frozen face thawed.

Hot tears poured down her cheeks.

For just an instant, a miraculous world-revolutionizing instant, she found herself believing, against all hope, against everything reasonable.

She reached…up…toward Utena, the prince (yes prince) reaching down for her.

Their fingers brushed.

Their hands joined, for just that instant, the most electrifying instant of her eons.

And then their hands slipped. Anthy screamed. Anthy fell.

Utena's horrified eyes filled her horizon (like the dawn) but the horizon was being swallowed up by storm-hued sky, and Utena was fast becoming a tiny speck, and Anthy's coffin was falling, falling, plummeting toward something…something new…

Something beyond the swords, something beyond anything she had ever known.

A new world. A new beginning.

Panting for breath she sat up. She was in the tower's bedroom, the room where she had shared so many strange moments (unexpected moments) with Tenjou Utena. Himemiya Anthy pushed away her sheets and stared across at her victor's bed. It was made (so neatly too); Utena hadn't slept there. ChuChu sat up on Utena's pillow and gave a plaintive cheep, clearly asking Anthy where his playmate was. He looked forlorn, and Anthy chewed her lip.

She glanced at the wall-length windows – it was early morning. As though in a dream she rose and went to stare out of them. The sun, so bright, so warm against her skin. Her heart, thudding like a train speeding toward becoming a trainwreck, thudding in the cavity of her chest where she only ever kept a sword.

Not a heart. Never a heart…

It was strange. Strange like being with Utena, hearing the strange things that those cupid lips always uttered. Like:

"I guess there really are people you mustn't fall in love with."

"I guess…" murmured the rose bride. She looked around again, searching for something, someone. Utena, where was she? It was breakfast time, this victor was a constantly hungry one. Really, Anthy needed to start making breakfast. But…where was Utena? Her heart thudded in her chest. Her nightgown was beginning to stick to her body with sweat, acrid sweat that smelled like fear. Anthy felt a little embarrassed…why wasn't she in control of her…emotions? Yes, emotions, that was what these alien things were. Horrible, mind-consuming emotions.

It had been so long…

"I came to this Ohtori Academy to meet a prince."

Utena's voice in her memories, saying such strange things, and sometimes blatantly untrue things. Anthy blinked, turning away from the window and hearing her own reply echo in her pounding head.

"Does it look like you'll get to meet this prince?"

She remembered being disdainful (in a vague sort of way), and maybe even a tiny bit angry…no depressed. Somewhere deep inside (somewhere buried). That wasn't why Utena had come…was it? Utena was such a fool. Oh wait, Utena was saying something else now.

"Prince-like people, would-be princes, people I want to be princes…" A pause.

"But a 'prince' is…"

I don't know, thought Anthy, rather shocked at herself for considering the subject at all. What is a prince?

Where was Utena?

She went outside, into the planetarium. Akio was already there, reading the paper like it was just another day (was it?).

"Breakfast, Anthy," he commanded, without looking up. "Hurry it up."

For a moment she stared at him: this was surreal. Also normal. She went to make breakfast, still wondering, constantly wondering where Utena was. She served breakfast to her brother, still wondering. She sat on the couch next to him (but not too close, she never sat too close if she could help it) and sipped tea, and stared up at the planetarium.

With a gasp the teacup clattered from her suddenly nerveless fingers, shattering into a million shards of china. The planetarium. There was a crack in the planetarium. Right through the centre…it looked like it would split in half and fall to the floor at any moment, crushing both herself and her brother.

"Clean that up," ordered Akio, sounding just a tad annoyed. "What's wrong with you today, Anthy?"

She blinked again. The planetarium was whole, normal. Akio was staring assessingly at her, steepling his fingers together in that way he had.

"Do you miss her?" he asked, and his voice was faintly mocking. "Your so-called friend? It's a shame she failed, just like all the others." Shaking his head from side to side as though it was a pity, as though he felt remorse, he picked up his paper again. "We could have been happy together," he muttered, and she blinked, thinking that the last part might have been her imagination.

Saying nothing she went to get a cloth from the kitchen. She remembered that Utena was gone, the duel called revolution was passed (no use crying over spilt milk). She didn't know why she hadn't wanted to think about it until now, but she hadn't forgotten. It's not like she could've forgotten the unbelievable: the rose gate opening, waking in her coffin and wondering what was happening.

Meeting Utena for the first time.

She had fallen, that's what had happened, fallen like the teacup, fallen to wake up in her natural place, which was no great surprise. Her natural place at Akio's side…Utena was gone (there'd be a new victor soon). Kneeling, Anthy began to clean up. Her brother's fashionable shoe tapped impatiently.

"Stupid! He does all this, and you still submit to him?"

Anthy blinked. Nothing, just a memory, a memory from the first duel that Utena had fought. Nothing but a random memory. Why did she keep having them? Why did she keep thinking, keep feeling? It was odd, so odd. Not like her at all.

Where was Utena?

Later Anthy went to the rose garden, to care for the roses. There was something different about the day, something in the air, burning away the fog. Ohtori Academy seemed to have a sense of expectation about it; students were happy, running merrily through the halls. There were no secret assignations in the garden, a most unusual occurrence. Anthy watered the roses alone.

Yet she kept looking up, waiting for a pink head to pop in and tell her something strange, maybe even laughable.

There's nothing for you to apologize about. I chose this by myself.

Chose what? she wondered, musing over their almost final words. What had Utena ended up choosing?

Where was Utena?

It took Anthy several months to process what had happened. During that time she kept to her normal routine (what else would she do?), except that she didn't sleep much, just stared at Utena's empty bed. She served her brother (who seemed preoccupied), watered the roses, and gathered information for their future (by watching and waiting, her specialties). In this way she discovered that the other duelists seemed different, strange in a way that reminded her of Utena.

She couldn't stop thinking about Utena.

She stared at Wakaba in the hall as some random girl glomped her (it made Anthy feel like being sick). She watched from the shadows of the dojo as Nanami served her brother and his best friend tea (it seemed unlike Nanami, to say the least). She watched Kozue help her twin help Tsuwabuki (unnatural). She watched Juri fence with Shiori, and wondered what it would be like to actually pick up a sword and fence with Utena. But of course Anthy didn't fence (but neither had Shiori…).

Everywhere students were talking about their futures, and what they dreamed about doing. Anthy had never heard so many unrealistic expectations in such a short period of time. Suddenly she was desperate for more information, more of a grip on what was happening. She didn't want apathy; she craved awareness.

Where was Utena?

Whenever she heard Utena's name come up in gossip, Anthy guiltlessly eavesdropped on students she didn't know. Despite Utena's popularity they seemed to have no clue who Utena was, not really, and Anthy was shocked. The rumors they toyed with sent shivers down her spine:

"Didn't she get hurt really badly?...A few months back and have to be hospitalized?"

"Huh? Hospitalized? I heard a friend or her boyfriend betrayed her…and she transferred to another school."

"I heard she got in trouble with the Chairman, and got expelled."

No, thought Anthy, none of those things. Or all of these things. I…don't know…

She was so uncertain these days. So unknowing. It was unusual for her, different. Uncomfortable. She longed for something secure, something that made her feel happy.

She hadn't known that she cared about her own happiness. Or that she knew what it was.

Was Utena happy? Wherever she was? And…

WHERE WAS UTENA?!

It took Anthy that whole time to wake up to reality, to realize that waking up in her coffin for the first time didn't mean nothing. It meant something, it meant more than she had even known how to hope for.

When she finally realized that she set her teeth, and went to talk to her brother in his tower.

He was aghast, childlike in his wonder at her contrary actions.

Anthy herself felt surreal, new, bursting with inner elation. She took off her glasses and set them on his table and it was like taking off her clothes and being naked, only it felt good. It was like sloughing off her skin and growing wings. She thoroughly enjoyed smiling at him, enjoyed saying "Farewell", so much more than she'd enjoyed anything for as long as she could remember. ChuChu was miserable as he took off his tie and earring, but Anthy felt like singing, felt like cheering as they stalked out silently (ChuChu dejected, she triumphant), leaving slavery behind.

She picked out a pink travelling outfit with a stylish white beret (so cute) and thought about the things Utena might say when she saw Anthy in it (And she would see her. Anthy had hope, she had it bursting out of her like she'd never had anything).

"Oi, Himemiya, that's so pretty!"

Anthy smirked to herself. Unlikely…

"What the heck are you wearing?! That's so…girly…"

ChuChu made his trademark noise and hefted a sack of cookies on his back. Smiling openly at him (it felt so good) Anthy picked him up and set him on her shoulder.

"Wow, Himemiya. I've never seen you wear that before. It looks…very you."

Yes, Anthy decided, settling on that fantasy. That's what she would like Utena to say. Of course she'd settle for anything, as long as she found Utena.

She picked up her suitcase, and stepped over the threshold of Ohtori Academy, out into a new world. It was time to shine, to be herself, to show that self to the only one who'd ever wanted to see it.

Time to find Utena.

Anthy sat on the train and thought about how to best continue her search. It would be silly to wander aimlessly all over the countryside (Although in her initial elation she'd done exactly that). She had access to considerable resources, she should use them all. Firstly she knew Utena: she had to think like Utena, think what she would do and where she would go. She should consult ChuChu, and her scrying bowl, and perhaps some human detectives (Sometimes professionals could be useful. And this was their world). She also knew about other worlds, and she knew likely fates (but not definite ones) for a prince. She should envision the final duel, try to see what might have happened next.

But none of it would work for sure (It had to! It simply had to!).

She spent the morning making phone calls, going through the phonebook securing the services of various private investigators in cities throughout the country. ChuChu hustled about busily, popping out of existence, and popping back an hour later with Utena's school records.

"They need to be photocopied and faxed," Anthy told him, and he started chittering angrily and gesturing at the foodcart gliding past their carriage's door.

"Work first, food later," said Anthy firmly, and after a dance of rage he popped away again. Anthy shook her head at his greediness. Utena had spoiled him far too much, but Anthy had thought it vaguely sweet at the time (None of the other victors paid him any attention at all).

Anthy spent the afternoon peering into her makeshift scrying bowl while ChuChu stuffed his face on the seat beside her. A passing conductor gave her a strange look, but she didn't bother to look back. Two elderly ladies paused at the door of her carriage at one stop, consulting in wavering and slightly too-loud tones over whether to join her.

"There's room, Hana-chan," said one, "plenty of room."

"She looks strange," whispered back Hana. "And what's she doing staring into her teacup like that, huh, Reiko-chan? Huh? She could be one of those crazy delinquents we keep hearing about."

"You and your crazy delinquents. She's just a young lady. A regular young lady. Get in the carriage. I want to sit down. My bones ache."

"Just a regular young lady, huh?" muttered Reiko sarcastically. "I'm so sure. With a pet rat, I hear that's all the rage this year."

Anthy picked that moment to look up and smile. She didn't want company; she pretended she was smiling at Kanae, telling her sweetly that of course she would call her sister (any day now…).

It had the desired effect. The old ladies gasped, and started backing away.

"I told you!" hissed Hana as they hurried away as fast as their canes could propel them. "Another delinquent!"

Anthy smiled to herself, and let her eyes go unfocused again. Beside her ChuChu was chortling, spraying cake crumbs onto his whiskers.

That evening they stayed in a hotel and Anthy made a list about Utena:

a) Utena needs to finish highschool. Check highschools' enrollments.

b) Utena might be hurt. Check hospitals.

c) Utena might be confused. Check homeless shelters.

d) Utena might have forgotten. Check…everywhere.

She put her pen down and sighed. It wasn't any use making a list, not when the possibilities were in actuality, endless. Even if she could narrow it down (which she couldn't), it didn't really help. Say Utena had continued highschool at some other school. She might not be using the same name (making school records useless). She might have forgotten who she was just the same. She might…gods forbid…hate Anthy and actively seek to block her search…

Anthy put her head in her hands and wept. Why was she crying? She'd been so happy, so excited, and now she was close to despair. Was this normal? Was this how regular people felt all the time? Was she regular? Who was she anyway, now that Utena had…changed her?

"I need her," she murmured to ChuChu, who was hugging her knee.

She didn't know how to be this new Anthy, not without Utena.

ChuChu chirped in agitation, and she patted him, sniffling and trying to stop crying.

"We'll find her," she told him fiercely. "We'll find her for sure. No matter where she is." She said it like the vow it was.

Anthy was at a loss. Six months had passed (an eternity) and she'd had no luck. She needed luck, because magic wasn't working very well in this world. Oh it still worked, but with much less…certainty. For one thing, scrying was next to useless, showing nothing but swirling mists of maybes. Could be that was something to do with Utena, or maybe it was to do with reality verses magic, Anthy didn't know.

She didn't know things the way she always had before. She sat in yet another hotel (this one cheap and dingy) and thought about her situation while ChuChu snored on the bed.

Private investigators were eating away her funds (not that she couldn't get more, but it wasn't exactly child's play), and apparently wasting her time. Hospitals were frustratingly difficult to get information out of, even with her clever cover-stories. Homeless shelters didn't know homeless people's names, and it seemed their hair was often too dirty to be sure if it was pink or not. No Tenjou Utena had turned up at a highschool, or even at a college. Maybe Utena was working somewhere instead…

What do I do? Anthy wondered. I'll look forever…but we might not have forever. Her vaunted patience seemed to be leaking out of her tear-ducts, day by drifting day. Besides…

Utena might need me. What if she's…

Anthy couldn't finish the thought. Instead she did what she usually did at these dark moments, thought about Utena, replaying their time together.

"It must be nice to have a brother or a sister…being an only child, I'm jealous."

Anthy smiled sadly. Utena was always jealous of family. Little did she know… She picked a different memory instead.

"They say when you've grown up, you long for your childhood, but children are impatient to grow up. Does thinking like that mean I'm still a child?"

Anthy brushed a tear off her cheek. Was Utena still childlike even now? Did she hold onto that innocence that lit her from within? (and made her seem so very stupid). Anthy had told her (with inner amusement she remembered) that she, Anthy was already an adult.

"Wha…what do you mean by 'adult'?"

Anthy giggled, then sighed. Utena would be an adult now, an adult in the real world. There was no escaping it. What would that be like? What would it be like to look into big blue eyes that were filled with…knowing.

"I want to find out," she whispered, "I have to find out."

And then it came to her in her own flash of knowing. The swords. Utena might have the swords…Anthy had even seen them coming and begged Utena to escape.

The prince bears the swords…how strange…

Yes, the more she thought about it, the more the theory made sense. After all, Anthy was free now, she felt it in every annoying emotion, every moment of half-remembered pain and the glorious state of being so blessedly pain-free. Six months later she still couldn't get used to it, not having that teeth-buzzing humming in the back of her mind, those spiteful comments spat out about people, about herself, for her to nod to silently, resignedly.

If…if Utena had the swords…as hellish as the thought was, as unpalatable, then she would be…different. Anthy chewed her lip, wondering what form that difference might take. And then she picked up the phonebook and looked up a new set of numbers.

She found Utena at the sixth asylum she called.

"Who did you say you were?" queried the bored voice on the other end, having just confirmed that yes, one Tenjou Utena was in residence.

"Family," husked Anthy, too close to tears to say anything else. She set the phone down. She couldn't talk right now, couldn't do anything but feel like breaking apart, throat thick with the guilt of not checking out this particular avenue sooner.

ChuChu woke up and burrowed under her blouse, cuddling to her desperately. She clutched her head and tried to think, tried to work out what needed doing next. She couldn't stop here, couldn't take time for grief or guilt or any other human weakness. She needed to go to Utena. But how to get to her?

The Asylum was a massive brick mansion, converted from some former purpose to have bars on the windows, and electronic locks on the doors.

"Welcome, Himemiya-sensei," said the (still bored-looking) receptionist, respectfully rising from her seat. "Abe-sensei will be with you momentarily." Anthy nodded, and sat gracefully on one of the visitor's chairs, pushing new glasses (uncomfortably) back up her nose. She didn't like wearing them, but she'd thought they added nicely to her persona as a transferring psychiatrist. Similarly her hair was pinned up in the old (and achingly familiar) style, and she had donned a white labcoat over her flatteringly-cut business suit. At the very least, she looked professional. At the most, it might make her more familiar to Utena.

Utena…

She was so close now. Tension was humming through her body, making her sick to the stomach with anticipation.

"Ah, Himemiya-sensei, you've arrived." The head doctor was tall and rather ugly, all currenty eyes and bushy black beard. Anthy found this reassuring; she'd had enough of angelic beauty to last her several lifetimes.

"I must admit, I'm surprised," confided Abe Hideo as he led her down the hallway to his office. "This place…we don't have much funding I'm sorry to admit, and all the hopeless cases seem to end up here. It's been a long time since we had a doctor transfer in." Sinking into his deskchair he peered at her over his glasses. "In fact, I don't know if anyone's ever transferred in before." He glanced down at some papers on his table. "Especially someone with your own glowing record…"

Anthy colored beneath her dusky skin and told herself off mentally. She attempted to look bland and uninterested, and long practice ensured she succeeded.

"Thank you," she said politely, and it was his turn to blush. Anthy accepted that as her due; she seemed to have that effect on men of all times and all places. It wasn't something to even notice anymore.

"So…" he said, obviously fishing for information. "You like hard cases?"

"Yes," said Anthy simply. He blinked. She blinked back. He seemed to want something more…

"I like a challenge," she added, watching him to see if it was enough. He laughed a little and nodded, and she masked another wave of relief.

"Well you'll certainly get that here," he said, gesturing to the other chair for her to sit. "I don't think I've had one patient get better yet." When she stared at him he sighed. "Oh we do our best for them…I try to make progress, but I think in most of these cases they're too far gone. The conditions are incurable, that's pretty much why they're here." He stroked his tie in a self-congratulatory manner. "All we can do is try to keep them safe and happy…provide them a decent and humane life." He had the audacity to smirk. "If you want to transfer out again, I understand…"

"No," she said firmly, in a tone that brooked no argument. "I'll stay." Inside she was shivering, matching his description against whatever had happened to Utena…outside she was calm.

Hideo seemed surprised but pleased.

"Alright then. We have a spare office down the hall, and I'll send my assistant over with some case records for you to peruse. If you see anything interesting, you're more than welcome to take it off my hands."

In her office Anthy stared at the one case folder she cared about, studying the information religiously. A lot of it was technical and beyond her expertise. But she got the gist of it, and the gist seemed to be that Utena had the swords.

ChuChu cheeped a question at her from where he was sitting half-sunk in the inkwell, and she nodded at him.

"Yes. She's been here most of this time."

Six months, and the records said that Utena had been admitted to a mental home (not this one) straight out of hospital, where she'd been screaming her voice raw about hate and witches and princes, and trying over and over to escape. The hospital had kept her sedated while her wound healed (which appeared to have been made by a sword of all things. The nurses feared it was self-inflicted, most likely a suicide attempt. What else could it be? But the doctors said it was at the wrong angle. Had she been abused?).

Nobody had come forward to claim her, no relatives, no friends. She was just a teenager too, it was sad, so sad…no choice but to make her a ward of the state. When she was whole again (relatively speaking) the hospital admitted her to the nearby mental home, where the doctors tried to start lowering her sedation levels.

The patient was paranoid they wrote, always looking over her shoulder and mumbling about swords and pitchforks, and then falling down and rolling around in apparent pain, shrieking for all she was worth (one less than professional doctor scrawled 'Crazy as a Loon' in the report margin).

Of course there was nothing physically wrong with her, nothing whatsoever. It was all psychosomatic, some kind of persecution complex. Or maybe a re-occurring flashback that she seemed to have no control over. Maybe the so-called swords were symbolic of something else…maybe they were a metaphor for what had really happened to her.

There were brief examples (hours mostly, but sometimes days) where she was semi-coherent (despite the medication), and that was how they found out her name, although she wasn't good for much else. She seemed to like asking philosophical questions about eternity, but overall was a perfectly nice young lady. But that all changed in the blink of an eye, nobody could predict the catalyst…maybe it was schizophrenia?

If they lessened her medication (so they started increasing it instead) she would cry out for someone, pitifully cry out a name until she had no voice left. Reading this Anthy pressed her hand to her mouth. The name wasn't recorded. But she knew what it was.

There was more, material horribly painful for her to read, accounts of nightmares, and sleepwalking, and violent episodes, and eventually of a tranferral to this place (because she wasn't going to get better, that much was clear. No treatment had worked). Anthy turned the page and through tears that made wet blots on the paper saw that Utena was currently in a straight jacket, tucked away in solitary confinement. Apparently she'd attacked an orderly only a week ago, as he was delivering roses to another patient.

Anthy whimpered, she couldn't help it. It was worse, so much worse than she'd hoped it would be (but quite in keeping with her nightmares). ChuChu had struggled out of the inkwell and moved to set his paw on the paper, his tail drooping over Anthy's hand.

"I have to try," whispered Anthy, half to herself, half to him. Did she remember how to try, how to keep going when something was hard, and maybe even impossible? She wasn't sure that she knew how, but she remembered Utena, the way they had been. The way Utena had always tried. What was it Utena had yelled at Akio during that last duel, while Anthy struggled to wake from apathy?

"I won't let you beat me."

Anthy squared her shoulders. "I won't let this beat me."

Anthy stood at the door to Utena's padded cell, staring in the tiny window at her prince.

This isn't how it's supposed to be…when we meet again…

But this was how it was. She took a deep breath, then nodded at the orderly, who gave her a respectful nod back and unlocked the door. Anthy stepped inside and looked at the girl in the straight-jacket, curled up on her side in the corner. The door closed behind her.

"Utena," she said quietly, shivering as she tasted that sweetly familiar name on her tongue.

No response.

Maybe she doesn't recognize me, thought Anthy desperately. Or maybe she doesn't recognize her name…

"Utena-sama," she tried instead, then took an involuntarily step back as that got an immediate response. Utena moaned. Nothing more, but it was clearly audible. Anthy folder her arms over her labcoat (she was shivering), and wondered what to do. She wasn't a real doctor…she didn't know how to help Utena…but she wanted to so badly.

She stared down at Utena and reminded herself that none of the real doctors had been able to help. She reminded herself that she knew the swords (oh, but she was scared) and none of them did, and that this was Utena, and Utena needed her like nobody ever had before (except for Dios… all those years ago…).

Tentatively she kneeled beside Utena and touched her shoulder. There, a flinch.

"Utena-sama," she said again, daring to brush long pink strands out of Utena's face. There they were, those big blue eyes, staring up at her in dazed confusion.

"Do you know me?" she asked, daring to hope for the impossible.

"Y…you'resh…" Utena trailed off, then started again, pressing her eyes shut. "W…witch. Bitch. Wh…whore." She opened her eyes again and stared up at the gaping Anthy. There had been no venom in her weak voice, and her eyes weren't accusing – it was like she was simply stating a fact.

The swords, thought Anthy (those names were so familiar), trying to push away her own shock and hurt. She doesn't recognize me. Her lips pursed. Or not yet…

"Let me help you sit up," she said, deciding to take a step back in this process. Utena was docile as Anthy took her shoulders and with some difficulty hoisted her up into a sitting position. She didn't struggle, she didn't help, she just leaned against the wall in her straight-jacket and stared vacantly at Anthy.

Anthy stared back. She couldn't help noticing that Utena's eyes moved over her hungrily for all that they were unfocused, drinking in her glasses, her hair, her lips. She wondered what it meant, if it even meant anything at all. Regardless it filled her with hope. She decided that everything would from now on, every small sign. She needed it to.

For her part she studied Utena, cringing at the bruises that purpled against the fair skin of her cheeks, and the way her head lolled just a little.

"Who are yoush?" slurred Utena, and Anthy frowned at how out of it she seemed. Really, was this level of sedation even necessary?

"Himemiya Anthy," she said, watching Utena closely. There was no definable reaction. Anthy sighed and tried again. "I'm a doctor here now."

"Oh," mumbled Utena. She blinked, looking just a little surprised.

"Your doctor," added Anthy, and was it her imagination or did Utena look even more surprised?

"Oh," said Utena again, leaning her head back against the wall. "Uh…hi."

"Hi," echoed Anthy, the diminutive of the greeting rolling strangely off her tongue. Furiously she blinked. She didn't want to cry, not right now…

"I'm going to get you out of this room," she told Utena, who now stared at her as if she was something rather fascinating. "But to do that…we'll have to work together."

Utena licked dry lips and seemed to be trying very hard to think. Anthy couldn't help herself, she put one hand on Utena's calf, almost gasping at the warmth she felt through the pajama pants. Utena was really here… She was really here with Anthy…

"How?" Utena decided on, and her leg twitched beneath Anthy's hand.

"I need you to…control the swords," said Anthy, thinking the best route was honesty when it came to Tenjou Utena.

"Y…you b'lieve me?" Shock seemed to bring clarity to Utena for a moment.

"Yes," said Anthy earnestly, "I do. But nobody else will. You need to hide what the swords are saying, what they are doing. No violence."

She trailed a hand down Utena's cheek, tenderly avoiding the bruising. She was simply unable to keep from touching her, inappropriate thought it might appear to anybody watching. She hoped no-one was watching.

She watched as Utena swallowed, hard.

"I…I'll try. But I dunno…" She trailed off tiredly.

"…If you can," finished Anthy. "I know, I understand."

"But I'll try," mumbled Utena, as her head lowered to her chest again.

"Good," whispered Anthy. "That's good."

She wanted to pull Utena to her chest, to hug that unresisting body to herself, to unbuckle the straightjacket as fast as her fingers would do it, to magic them out of this hellhole.

But she couldn't. It would be too much too soon, it would ruin her carefully-laid plans, and magic didn't work like that here.

She settled for resting a hand on Utena's calf again, wishing she could hold her hand instead. She sat there beside Utena for a long time, watching as she fell asleep, and then watching over her.

Anthy told Hideo that she was taking Utena's case, and for the meantime only her case. He laughed in her face, then sobered and apologized profusely.

"You said you like a challenge," he noted, running his fingers through his beard. He eyed her thoughtfully. "You do at that." She didn't like the way his eyes lingered on her curves, although she supposed it was only natural. Perhaps she was touchy about things like that. Although she'd never minded before…

"I'm going to lessen her medication," she told him, wishing she didn't have to deal with other people, "And start cognitive therapy once she's more coherent."

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking a little worried. "I know your record is…impressive, Sensei. But this patient is aggressive."

"Leave it to me," she told him, and he shrugged, and she realized it was probably good that he didn't appear to care all that much about his patients. All the same she would have to take things slowly; she couldn't have him pull seniority when it came to Utena's case.

She would have to be careful.

Anthy was there a few days later when two burly male orderlies led an unresisting Utena out of her padded cell.

"Sensei," said Utena, eyes a little clearer as she gazed at Anthy. The nurses were already decreasing her dosage by increments.

"Utena-san," said Anthy, careful of what she said in front of others. "You remember me?"

"Suresh," mumbled Utena, standing quite still as the straight jacket was unbuckled. But there was something in her eyes, a strange light that sent warning bells skittering along Anthy's nerves.

"Don't even think about it," she warned Utena, voice firmer than she had ever used on her in the past, much firmer than the voice of the rose bride.

Utena blinked and the light faded out of her eyes to be replaced by confusion.

"Remember what I said," pressed Anthy, "when I came to you before. Do you remember?"

Utena blinked again, and looked down as her sleeves fell away from the buckle at her waist, and her arms dropped to her sides.

"My armsh hurt," she mumbled, as the orderlies slipped the heavy jacket off entirely. Underneath Utena wore longsleeved blue pajamas, like all the patients. Anthy stepped over to her and gently, professionally took one arm, rubbing life back into it.

The orderlies gasped…there was no need for the doctor to be the one to…and besides, this patient was dangerous.

"I'll take it from here," Anthy said, voice firm.

"But Sensei…" protested one.

"Didn't you hear what I said?" Anthy made her voice cold, and superior, thinking the result was something like that annoying Nanami girl. It had the desired effect: the orderlies cringed and fled.

She turned back to Utena who was staring at her again, staring at the dark fingers moving up and down her arm.

"Better?" she asked gently, taking up the other arm when Utena gave small nod. This time Utena emitted tiny whimpers as Anthy massaged away a cramp. The bruises on her face were yellow today, almost faded away.

"What caused this?" Anthy asked, setting the arm down, where it hung limply at Utena's side. Her hand cupped Utena's cheek, and she peered into those wonderfully familiar eyes. Utena blinked at her, looking a little trapped.

"I dunno," she said, flinching away, but Anthy had a feeling she did. She sighed, letting her hand drop…this was hard…to have Utena reacting to her in this way. To look into her eyes and not see a stupidly determined tomboy looking back.

"Walk with me," said Anthy, "we'll go and talk in my office."

Utena stared at her like she'd grown another head. Anthy started moving, keeping her pace deliberately slow. She didn't turn her head but heard Utena stumbling after her.

"Would you like a wheelchair?" she asked, knowing what the answer would be.

"No!" Utena sounded outraged. "Of coursesh not."

"Of course not," echoed Anthy, allowing herself a tiny smirk. Well, at least some things stayed the same. A passing nurse gave them an incredulous look as Anthy held her office door open, and Utena moved unsteadily inside. Anthy made her face statue-like. The nurse blanched and fled, no doubt to gossip to her fellow nurses.

Inside Anthy gestured at her couch, and Utena flopped gratefully onto it.

Is she going to fall asleep? wondered Anthy. She looks so tired.

She badly wanted to sit by Utena, no to lie down alongside her and wrap her body around the other girl's. Instead she forced herself to perch in the nearby armchair, watching Utena attentively.

Blue eyes blinked back open.

"Why do yoush believe me?" Utena yawned and put her hands behind her head in a gesture so familiar it made Anthy's heart skip a beat.

"You're telling the truth," said Anthy. She watched charmed as Utena actually grinned.

"Well…yeah, but your'esh the first to b'lieve me…"

Anthy shrugged primly, knowing from Utena's suddenly attentive gaze that something else was expected, some other explanation.

"I know people," she said, arrogant because it was true. Utena's eyes widened. Then she actually smirked.

"Y'know," she mumbled, "you seem…familiar." Then her eyes drifted shut and she fell asleep, just like that. Anthy smiled across the room at ChuChu who popped up from where he'd been hiding in her draw, and was bouncing up and down elatedly on her desk.

This was progress.

Now that Utena was out of solitary confinement she was to sleep in a dormitory with other patients. Anthy fretted over the swords having interaction with people, and wondered how to control the situation. She couldn't be with Utena 24/7 as her doctor, or even for a significant proportion of that. Her solution was to have her 'nephew' admitted.

"The family resemblance is striking," murmured Hideo in the staffroom, as he stared down at a photo of said nephew. Various staff made sympathetic noises about the hardships of having mental illness in a family, while those same staff cast speculative looks at the new doctor (Looks that said it explained quite a bit…).

Anthy smiled grimly at the photo of Mamiya, before turning a bland face to her fellow doctor.

"Yes, it is." She'd never thought she'd have to wear that guise again. But this…this was important…more important than anything. It was worth it. Utena was worth it.

"When does the poor boy get here?" asked Hideo, eyes idly going from the photo's dot to the red dot on Anthy's own forehead.

Is he going to ask about my religion?

Anthy tried not roll her eyes, and thanks to long practice succeeded.

"Oh, very soon. This afternoon. I have his case files right here." She handed them over.

"Are you sure you're comfortable having him so close?" asked Hideo, and for a moment Anthy wondered what he meant. Then she realized that having a 'crazy' relative might well be considered a family embarrassment, as well as a conflict of interests. She folded her hands in her lap and made her lip tremble, just the slightest bit.

"You said this was a place for the hopeless cases. And I…I'm afraid…his case is…" She pressed a hand to her mouth. Hideo immediately looked panicked.

"Oh, Himemiya-sensei, I'm so sorry to mention it…I…please don't…I…" He cast about desperately and a nearby orderly handed Anthy a handkerchief, blushing all the while. The head nurse glowered across the room, her look changing to one of overly-done concern the moment Anthy's eyes brushed hers. Anthy took the handkerchief and smiled into it.

It was too easy.

As Mamiya, Anthy made it his first mission to find Utena. Most of the patients were in the recreational room at this time, so he went there first. He looked all around, feeling vulnerable in his new blue pajamas (which were slightly too big). There she was, over there, curled up in an armchair in front of the tv, staring out the barred window instead of at the screen. The chairs around her were vacant, and Mamiya wondered if there was a reason the other patients avoided her.

He perched himself into the armchair on her left.

"Hello," he said, "I'm Mamiya."

Utena didn't seem to register his arrival.

"Utena?" he asked, forgetting himself, and was unprepared for how quickly blue eyes snapped around to impale him.

"How do yoush know my…" she trailed off, staring at him in disbelief. Mamiya clenched his hands together nervously, fearing he'd already made a mistake he couldn't recover from. Utena was staring at him feverishly, looking like she didn't know quite what she was seeing.

"Y…you look like her…" she said at last, blinking rapidly. "W…why?"

"Like who?" he asked, wanting to see what she would say.

"L…like the woman who…" she stumbled to a halt, and changed direction. "The doctor."

She's slurring less, he noted.

"You mean Himemiya Anthy?" he asked, knowing of course exactly what she meant. It was strange to say his own name with these lips…he'd always called her/himself the rose bride. (And talked about killing her…)

"That'sh her name?" asked Utena, sinking back into her chair. "Yeah…"

"She's my aunt," he said.

Utena had gone back to staring out the window, but suddenly her eyes slid to the side again. She seemed to be struggling to form a question.

"Is that howsh…uh…you knew my name?"

"Yes," he said, "sorry, Tenjou-san." She blinked at him, then looked away again, obviously not knowing what to make of him. Mamiya was used to that.

They sat together all afternoon, not speaking again. Utena stared out the window. Mamiya watched tv; he was pleased to see a soap opera was the prescribed channel (the nurses always set it on what they themselves wanted to see). He liked soap operas. He liked the way people fell in and out of love so predictably, and everything was so overdone (nothing subtle at all).

He liked even more that he was so close to Utena, even if she appeared to be in another world entirely.

Men and women slept in different dorms but that (stupidly, luckily) didn't apply to the underage patients. Mamiya claimed one of the empty beds (why were they empty?) next to Utena, and sat up to take his anti-depressants from the nurse on duty (Anthy had decided that Mamiya suffered from Dissasociative Identity Disorder). Some sleight of tongue (he'd always been good at that), and he stayed completely sober.

He snuggled under the covers and glanced over at Utena who was holding herself far too stiffly. She looked like she was about to leap up the moment the nurses left the room, and do something stupid. She was so easy to read…it made his heart lurch, how easy it was…

"Tenjou-san," he said carefully, seeing that strange light in her eyes again as she turned to him. "Tenjou-san," he repeated, trying to make his voice soothing. "What is it?"

She stared at him like she didn't know why he would ask her such a thing, and simultaneously like she knew exactly who he was. It gave him the shivers; he thought the swords were very close in that moment…her eyes seemed more silver than blue in the pooling shadows.

"Nothing," she hissed back. And then gathering herself visibly. "Go to sleep, Mamiya-kun."

"But you look…angry," he whispered back, a little shocked by her affectionate (and unwarranted) choice of honorific.

"I am," she said, turning over onto her back, and staring up at the ceiling. Her body was completely tensed, again he thought she was about to spring up and sprint from the room.

"Why?" he asked, and she flicked an uneasy glance at him.

"Your eyes…" She gave a nervous laugh and looked back at the ceiling. "They're so like…"

Does she know me? he wondered, faintly wondering at the thought. Even like this?

"Don't do anything rash," he begged her. "My aunt wants to help you."

"Oh you know that, do yoush?" Utena's voice began to slur again, and he could see she was getting tired. Well good, maybe she wouldn't do something stupid after all.

"Sorry," he said, thinking that maybe (and rightfully so) she'd be mad at his knowledge.

"It's okay," whispered Utena, surprising him again. "I admire p…people who want to help." Her eyes slid shut and that wire-tight body finally relaxed. Mamiya sighed and allowed himself to relax too.

That had been close. Thank the gods he'd sent himself in.

It was taxing. Anthy had to be careful about the times and places she chose to be doctor than patient, and of when the changeovers happened. As always making herself into Mamiya left her weary, bone weary, and there were memories besides, disturbingly guilt-filled memories. Sometimes when she was curled up in the armchair beside Utena she thought she was with Mikage Souji instead. Sometimes as she lay in the dormitory darkness she thought of another darkness, a place where a hundred pairs of shoes were lined up against the walls and black roses flowered.

She hated the memories, and was anxious over being tired when she needed all her energy for the task at hand. But it was necessary, and it was her choice to change anyway (it had never been before). That made it bearable.

TBC