This fic was written for THE GAZEBO FIC CHALLENGE: The Essence of Charlie Swan
Prompt used: 5. Charlie/Renee: Renee's leaving

Please see the C2 - THE GAZEBO FIC CHALLENGE: The Essence of Charlie Swan for more fics in this competition.

March 24, 1989

12:38 PM

"That's it," I whispered, trying to encourage her to eat as I swiped at the mush that had dribbled onto her bottom lip with a spoon. "You love bananas."

I looked down at the bowl of slop and frowned. People should eat bananas the way God intended - peeled, not mashed up in a bowl. If she could chew a slice and swallow it, I'd serve it to her that way. But it was hard enough to get her to eat as it was, and if she preferred the mush, that's what she'd get. I brought the spoon up to her lips again, but she was stubborn as all hell and wouldn't open her mouth.

I looked around the small, dark room at the tattered lace curtains, the empty bookshelf, and the dingy old paint. There were grubby fingerprints on the wall near the light switch. I felt sick, and I was ashamed that I couldn't afford a better place for her. She was my responsibility, and I was not living up to it. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

She was restless in her chair, and I moved forward, hoping I could somehow manage to shovel a little more food into her mouth. She looked at me, and our matching brown eyes locked. She stared, eyes wide; curious, confused, and unfocused.

"You shouldn't be here," she said as she looked at me suspiciously and turned to glance out the window. It was filthy, too - brown residue blurred the dead garden just outside. Had they stopped cleaning the place because I was behind in my payments? I'd have to talk to the Administrator about that once I was paid up. I couldn't go making demands when my account was in the red.

"My William is coming to see me, and he won't like you being here. He'll be angry, you mark my words," she said, pointing at me. She reached over to the small table next to her and picked up the picture of the older brother I had never met, dressed in his Navy uniform. She talked about William a lot when she was like this. Once, I'd made the mistake of telling her that he died when his plane was shot down over Hanoi twenty-two years ago, and she'd cried for days. I wouldn't do that again. She seemed happy in her world, so that's where I let her stay.

"How's Charlie?" I asked. I felt like an ass, being so selfish, but I had to know if she remembered me today.

"Who's Charlie?" she balked, confused, and my heart sank as I scooped some more mush on to her spoon.

1:05PM

"Charlie!" a familiar voice yelled as I grabbed the driver's side door handle on the cruiser. Adam Mallory. Shit. I turned and smiled at him. "I've really gotta go, I'm late for my shift-"

"It'll just take a second, Charlie," he said, a look of pity in his eyes that I hated; it made me feel like less of a man. "I know things are tight right now with the new baby and all, and I'll do everything I can to make sure your mother continues to receive quality care, but-"

"I'll have the money to you on Friday," I explained. I didn't want to hear his spiel again. "I'll be paid up on Friday."

"Listen," he said. "I know you're good for it, but if your balance isn't paid by the end of the month, you're going to have to start exploring other options, Charlie. I'm sorry..."

I knew what 'other options' were. Charity. I wouldn't accept it - not as long as I had a strong back and an ounce of pride. I was young, and I was able. I'd work until my fingers bled if I had to. I didn't need help. I didn't want it.

"I said you'd have your money on Friday, Dr. Mallory, and you will."

He nodded and walked back up the long sidewalk before disappearing through the nursing home's doors.

7:32 PM

"How's Bella?" Sarah Black asked me as I dragged my chair closer to the table to dig into the bowl of soup she put in front of me. A trip to the Res wasn't a trip to the Res without some of Sarah's home cooking. It almost made me glad Harry Clearwater had gone on an early bender at the bar in town and needed a ride home. I wished Renee could cook like this. Her soup always tasted like she boiled a dirty sock in a pot of water.

"She's great," I replied, unable to keep the stupid smile off of my face. Talking about my baby girl turned me into a grinning idiot, and I wouldn't have it any other way. "My girl's beautiful. And smart. So smart," I said. "She's gonna be the first Swan to graduate college." My girl would have the world at her fingertips. She was too good for this town, and I'd get her out of here as soon as I could.

"Renee doing good?" Sarah asked. I made sure to keep the Bella induced smile on my face and nodded, hoping it didn't look too forced. I could tell by the way she looked at me that it had.

"Rachel and Rebecca are growing up fast," I remarked, trying to change the subject as I watched my oldest friend play with his daughters on the rug in their cramped living room.

Sarah nodded. "Billy wants another one, but I don't think so," she laughed. The house was too small, even for the four of them.

"We need a boy to carry on the Black name," Billy argued, his face suddenly serious.

Sarah rolled her eyes at her husband. "We've got time to figure that one out," she mumbled.

"Who wants a piggyback ride?" Billy asked, and he hopped up quickly to gather his squealing twin girls in his arms.

"I'll see you later tonight," I shouted at him as he walked out the door.

9:46 PM

I ran out of the Police Station, freezing in the cold winter air, my hair still wet from my shower. I quickly zipped up my jeans and buckled my belt as I ran down the front steps to the cruiser, throwing myself in the front seat and pushing my favorite cassette into the cassette player. Every day I was thankful for the fact that I managed to get the one cruiser in the small fleet of cars that had a real radio in it. I blared the music as I pulled out of the station's lot.

I lost myself in the few minutes of freedom I had during the day, and sang along, pounding my fists on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. "Here we stand. Worlds apart, hearts broken in two..."

I was sitting at a stoplight, halfway through the chorus when I realized that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson were sitting in the lane next to me, staring at me, slack-jawed. I turned the music off and rolled down my window.

"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson," I said, hoping they wouldn't tell the Chief about this. It wasn't the first time they'd caught me rocking out to Journey in my cruiser. It made no difference to them that I was off duty.

"Good evening, Deputy Swan," Mrs. Jackson replied. She adjusted a fur something around her neck, a dead leg flopping across her face in the process. The animal looked like it wanted to eat her, and I kind of wanted it to. I didn't really like Mrs. Jackson.

"Looks like you're keeping a good watch over Forks tonight," she continued sarcastically, rolling her eyes. And just like that, I went from twenty-four year-old Charlie to Deputy Swan; husband, father, man with a hundred responsibilities. I wondered if there would ever be a time when I wouldn't feel torn in a thousand different directions, hiding the man I wanted to be so that I could be the man I had to be.

10:05 PM

Billy and I sat on the back steps of the Thriftway, each of us slinging back a can of Vitamin R. It was our ritual, three nights a week, before we spent two hours unloading trucks and stocking shelves. I wished I didn't need this job, but a Deputy's salary couldn't stretch far enough to cover a mortgage, a family, and a mother who needed living assistance. I was young, I could sacrifice. I would do what I had to do to keep us afloat.

"C'mon, let's get this over with," Billy said. We crushed our beer cans beneath our feet, and shuffled into the store.

March 25, 1989

12:16 AM

I quietly walked up the creaky old steps to the small room at the top of the stairs; Renee would have my ass if I woke the baby up again. The door was open, and a night light made the room glow in the darkness. I walked over to her crib, like I did every night. She was making soft noises in her sleep, and in that moment, standing there watching my baby, nothing else mattered. Not the mortgage payment, not the money that I owed the nursing home, not Mr. & Mrs. Jackson, not the Town of Forks. My Bells was all that existed.

I gently picked her up and settled us in the rocking chair in the corner of her room. I watched her sleep. It was the first moment of peace I felt all day.

1:03 AM

I stripped off my clothes and threw them into a heap on our bedroom floor, too exhausted to put them where they were supposed to go. I'd probably get chewed out for that later, but that had become normal, so I decided to take my chances. Renee was lying in our bed, her back toward me. I crawled in carefully, anxious to be close to her, to wrap her in my arms. This was the one place she still let me hold her. In her sleep, she forgot where she was; stuck in Forks, married to a nobody. In her sleep, she let me be her husband.

I put my right arm around her shoulder and pulled her to me. She wiggled out from my grasp, and she moved too forcefully to be sleeping. She scooted as far away from me as she could manage, taking the comforter with her. I was cold, lonely, and not ready for a fight. We could fight in the morning. We usually did.

I pulled my jeans back on, grabbed my pillow and a blanket from the linen closet, and went downstairs and laid on the couch. It took me a long time to fall asleep.

8:10 AM

"Wake up, Charlie," Renee shouted as she shook me so hard I fell off of the couch.

"Jesus!" I exclaimed as I picked myself up. She looked angry, and nervous. Why was she nervous?

"I'm leaving," she said, and I didn't understand, but my heart started racing anyway.

"You're what?" I replied stupidly, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I was dreaming. I had to be.

"I'm taking Bella, and I'm leaving," she said, a tear falling down her face. She wouldn't look at me.

"Where are you going?" I asked, panic in my voice. I hoped she'd say she was going to the Thriftway, or Seattle, or anyplace other than where she was going.

"I'm going to California," she answered, finally looking me in the eye.

"You'll come back?" I asked, even though I didn't mean for it to be a question.

"No." I turned around, and saw her bags at the front door. My baby sat in her carrier, right next to the mountain of luggage.

"You can't go. You can't take her!" I shouted, suddenly more angry than panicked. I ran around my wife to my daughter, and I quickly unstrapped her from her seat. I held her tightly to my chest, and cradled her head in my hand while I begged her mother not to break my heart. "Please don't take her," I practically cried into Bella's soft hair. I leaned over and planted kisses all over her face.

"I'm not leaving without her," Renee said defiantly.

"Then don't go. We can make this work, Renee. Just give me time. A few more months, at least. Please. Things will get better, I promise. I just need to-"

"No, Charlie. A few more months will turn into a few more years, and then I'll be stuck in this godforsaken town. Is this how you want your daughter to grow up?" she yelled.

"This is how I grew up," I said loudly. I wanted the world for my Bella, and I planned to give it to her someday. But for now, I had to be here and I wanted her with me.

"This place, this life. It's not good for us," she cried. "It's not good enough for her," she said, pointing at our daughter. You're not good enough for her, is what she meant, and I knew, deep down, that she was right.

"I can't be stuck here Charlie, I just can't. It's not me. I love you, God do I love you. I tried, but I can't stay here, I can't," she cried.

"If you love me, then stay. Stay with me and work this out. Please. If you try and you still want to leave me, go to Seattle. Anywhere closer," I begged.

"You know I can't afford rent in Seattle," she argued. "Not with a baby."

"I'll never get to see her!" I yelled, louder than I had intended. Bella started to cry, and I did my best to comfort her. I whispered soothing words in her ear even though I felt anything but calm. "I have to be here now," I whispered. "My mom - I can't leave her. Once that gets settled, we can go anywhere you want. Just give me some time, Renee, please. I just need some time."

"You can come and visit anytime you want to," Renee replied. She wasn't going to change her mind this time. "We'll work something out in the divorce. You'll see her, Charlie."

Renee had no idea how bad off we were; I'd hidden it from her. We had twenty-five dollars in our bank account. The cruiser was the only car I had, so couldn't drive to California; not that I could afford the gas, anyway. I took stock of my possessions in my head, wondering if I had anything I could sell that would get me enough money for a plane ticket. It was a short list, and I came up empty. I'd sold everything I could already, in order to get Ma into the home. I owned nothing material that had any value, and in five minutes I'd have nothing at all.

I'd miss Bella's first steps, her first words, her first birthday. The thought of that brought tears to my eyes, and for the first time in my adult life, I cried.

"Don't take her," I pleaded.

"We have to go - the taxi's waiting," she said as she pulled my daughter from my arms and strapped her back into her carrier.

I followed Renee out to the car, a suitcase in one hand, my daughter in the other. I was already numb, and I barely felt the cold winter air against my naked chest. I set Bella's car seat on the hood of the taxi, and I memorized her. Her hair, her eyes, her smile, her face. She latched her tiny hand around my finger and squeezed. She knew our time was short, too.

"I love you, Bells," I whispered as I touched my forehead to her tiny one.

"Charlie," Renee said, holding her arm out to me. I glared at her, not sure how it was possible to be so in love with and so angry at someone at the same time. I kissed my baby on the cheek as I handed her over to her mother.

Renee hugged me one last time before she got in the car. "You should go in and get warm. I...I don't want you getting sick," she said, looking down at the ground. Her hands rubbed fast circles over my heart, trying to keep me warm. She was the only one who had ever touched me there.

"I love you, and I'm sorry," was all she said as she brought her lips quickly to mine. I held her there for longer than I should have, hoping I could make her feel how much I wanted her; how much I needed her to stay. All I needed to be happy was her, and Bella, and all of us here, together. But Renee needed more than I could give her. I wanted her to be happy, and even though I couldn't be happy without her, I let her go, so that one of us would at least have a chance.

I missed the feel of her in my arms and on my lips as soon as she turned and got into the cab. It pulled out of the driveway too soon, and I stood and watched, dead inside, as my life drove away.

August 11, 2006

7:32 PM

Renee sat across from me at my kitchen table sipping her coffee. It was the first time she'd been to Forks since Bella had her episode last year. I had called Renee in a panic, terrified that my daughter was following in my footsteps - it took me years to feel like myself after Renee left, and even now I was only half the man I used to be. I had prepared myself to send Bella away to her mother to save her from feeling what I felt, even though that meant I'd lose her for a second time. Thankfully, it never came to that.

If someone had told me then that Renee would be in my house less than a year later for Bella's wedding, I wouldn't have believed them. Mainly because it had been my intention to kill that boy the next time I laid eyes on him. When he brought Bella back from her harebrained trip to Los Angeles, I nearly did. But I couldn't, because Bella loved him, stubborn as she was. If she felt that strongly about him, there must've been some good in him somewhere, even if I couldn't always see it.

"You should redecorate, Charlie. This place looks the same as it did twenty years ago," Renee prodded, turning her cup in circles on the table that had been in this very spot since the day she left me. Her half-finished paint job still covered the cabinets.

"Mom-" Bella interjected from the sink as she washed the dishes.

"It's fine," I said, folding my arms across my chest. I was still angry with Renee for allowing this wedding nonsense. I'd expected her to be against it. Traitor.

August 12, 2006

1:26 PM

I grabbed my monkey suit out of the closet under the stairs, and trudged up to the shower to get cleaned up for the big day. I hung the suit up on the back of my door, and then walked over to Bella's room. I wasn't sure why I wanted to be in there, I guess I thought it would be different after today. It already did feel different - Bella didn't live here anymore. My time with her was up.

I smiled at the mess she'd left; a trait she'd picked up from her mother. There were a few pictures of her and that boy tucked into the frame of the mirror on her dresser. There was one of her and her mother, from when Bella was about 10 years old. Hidden behind it was one that I hadn't seen before. It was me and Bella, sitting on Renee's front step, when the two of them lived in California.

The picture was taken shortly after Ma passed. I took off for California the first chance I got to try to win Renee back. What I didn't know when I left Forks was that she had already moved on. I cringed as I remembered the awkwardness of that moment; when Renee's idiot boyfriend answered her door. I threw the flowers I'd brought for her in the bushes before I walked in. I never told her that I still loved her.

3:12 PM

"I can't believe Bella's getting married. It seems like only yesterday that I baptized her," Reverend Weber said as we drove down the lonely road to the Cullen house. My tuxedo was uncomfortable, and all I could think about was the nice, worn-in pair of sweatpants hanging up in my closet. "They grow up fast, don't they?"

"Yup," was all I said.

7:32 PM

"Count to five and follow me," Alice said to me as she turned around and walked gracefully down the steps. I always liked that girl.

"Don't let me fall, Dad," Bella whispered, as we stood at the top of the stairs.

I won't let you fall, I wanted to say. And if he does, I'll catch you, I should've told her. But the music started, and I had too much to say and not enough time, so I pulled her tiny hand through my arm and grasped onto it tightly as I led her down the stairs to the one who was taking my place.

I looked at the faces as I walked her down the aisle. Half of Forks must have been in the room. I spotted Sue Clearwater and winked at her. She and I had been spending a lot of time together. She smiled back at me, and my heart skipped a beat. It was the first time I felt it in eighteen years.

8:26 PM

"You look really handsome tonight," Renee said as she sat down at the table next to me. We were all alone in the corner. I felt uncomfortable; I hated socializing.

"Thank you," I replied. "So do you." She laughed. "You look nice, I mean," I corrected.

"It feels like this is the end," she said, as she took my hand in hers. I thought I'd feel something like I used to when she touched me, but I didn't.

"Mmm-hmm." We'd see each other when Bella graduated from Dartmouth, and hopefully we'd greet a grandchild together a few years after that, but for all intents and purposes, this was it.

"Charlie, I...I'm sorry that I hurt you. When I left I-"

I let go of her hand. "It's okay," I said. I didn't want to rehash it.

"I really did love you."

You just didn't love me enough, I wanted to say. Instead, I nodded.

Phil waved to her from across the dance floor, and she stood up. She kissed my cheek before she walked away.

8:56 PM

"Son," I said, tapping Edward on the shoulder. He turned around and smiled at me. "I'd like to have a word."

We walked over to the corner of the dance floor, out of Bella's sight.

"You've come a long way over the last few months," I began. "I'm trusting you with my baby girl. Don't give me a reason to regret that."

He nodded.

"I'm thankful that you always seem to look out for her, and that you want her to get an education. Those things are very important to me. Don't go getting her pregnant right away, son. Make sure she graduates from college. Let her live a little, okay? Make sure she has what she needs, and give her what she wants. Make sure she's happy, don't just assume that she is. Treat her with respect. If you don't hurt her, I won't have to hurt you, got it?" I said. Give her everything I couldn't. Don't make the same mistakes I made.

"I promise, Chief Swan. I'll take care of her. I promised to love her for eternity, and I will," he replied.

I nodded and shook his hand. That boy was always so cold; I should probably say something to Carlisle about having his circulation checked.

9:10 PM

"Go on then," I told her, my eyes blurry. "Don't want to be late." Bella's arms were around my waist, and then they were gone.

Renee held my hand as our daughter ran toward her future with her new husband.

I missed the feel of my little girl in my arms as she turned and got into the car. It pulled out of the driveway too soon, and I stood and watched, full of hope, as my life drove away.

9:45 PM

I ran down the steps of my house, my hair still wet from my shower. I quickly zipped up my jeans and buckled my belt as I ran toward my truck. I threw myself in the front seat, and pushed my favorite cassette into the cassette player. I blared the music as I pulled out of my driveway.

I lost myself in the new found freedom I had. My Bella was happy, and I finally had some closure with Renee. I sang along, pounding my fists on the steering wheel to the beat of the music, like I used to do all those years ago. "If you must go, I wish you love. You'll never walk alone..."

I was sitting at a stoplight, halfway through the chorus when it hit me. The Chief of Police, Charlie, the ex-husband, the father, the boyfriend, and the man were finally one. I was at peace, and I was happy.

I smiled as I sped down the windy roads toward La Push, where, in a tiny house near the water, my future was waiting for me.

Note: Song lyrics are from Separate Ways by Journey, because Charlie loves that band. He prefers Steve Perry as a frontman, if he's being quite honest. Sing-along steering wheel poundage belongs to Tor.

I found conflicting info on the webs as to the dates of Renee leaving/Bella's wedding. So I just went with what was on Twilight Lexicon. This story is also based on the background info for Charlie I found there. Very few snippits of actual dialogue were used from Breaking Dawn - chapters entitled, "Big Day", and "Gesture".

Thanks to Tracie and Beth for the beta work.