Hi everyone, this is my first attempt at english fanfic (yeah, I'm french), so sorry if my english isn't perfect. If a kind person would agree to beta-read it in order to correct it, I'll gladly accept their help. Otherwise, I just hope you'll enjoy this story, and any review will be like a great present to me...

Warnings: EdxEnvy, shonen-ai. Rated M for safety, nothing explicit. Lots of OOC-ness, I think... This is supposed to be a one-shot, but if some readers want more, I think I'll be able to do it (still have ideas to really conclude this...)

Edit, 07/07/09: I actually AM going to write one or two chapters more. People told me they enjoyed this one and would be happy if I continued it, first; and second, I have a feeling of "not finished" every time I re-read my story, and it is bothering me a little, so I'm going to write at least one chapter more. For people who really want to read more, please be patient, I'm moving and won't be able to get Internet access for a week, not to say retrieve my pens and copybooks in order to produce something more or less good. Thanks to all readers and reviewers, be ready for the sequel!

Nevermore.

Desire Is The First Step To Love

Chapter 1 : Envy's Obsession

Envy was watching. Watching was the only thing he could do, these days. Hidden in a tree, crouched on a thick branch, his still and thin body was almost completely concealed in the night. Only his eyes, deep purple barely visible against the widened pupils, sometimes caught a glimpse of moonlight, glowing in the dark. On the other side of the window, the room was very dimly lit, though Envy had very little interest in the room itself. The rectangular frame of the window let rather conveniently the silvery light of the moon fall exactly on the object of the Homunculus' attention. Long, blond bangs of hair out of their usual braid or ponytail, settled on the pillow beneath them, some of them hanging in the pale yet healthy tan of the face; eyes for now closed, hiding the liquid amber they seemed to be made of; lips slightly parted in sleep; stubborn frown in place even in Morpheus' land; metal arm reflecting faintly the light of the moon : here was the sleeping, sprawled form of Edward Elric.

And Envy still stared, his inner turmoil invisible in his motionlessness as he observed the young man, from head to toes and back again, as if… as if to carve his face and frame into his memory – again. Because it's not like it was the first time. The Sin had felt this strange fascination, this awkward attraction towards the young Alchemist since he first met him, knowing who he was, what he had done, and whose son he was. Even now, hidden in a tree watching, as usual, Envy didn't understand. He had expected another himself, in a way, the scars of Hohenheim's behavior visible as his were, another victim, broken, bitter, hateful, seeking revenge as an ultimate aim, revenge against the man who (let him die, and made him how he is – what he is now) left him and his brother alone, and who was certainly the main cause of their mother dying. Envy expected a faint recognition of his own self, after all, his father left him all the same. After failing to bring him back to life completely, morphing him into a living creature, yes, but not human anymore. How could a being be called "human" without a soul ? Then, he left. He left him behind, not dead, but still not living, gaining a tattoo on his left thigh and incredible powers, but minus a soul. That's why the Homunculus expected someone being in the same state of mind as his own. Instead, he found Edward.

Edward. Yes, the boy resented his father for leaving without any explanation, and swore he would never forgive him. But it was far from the dark, deep, endless hatred Envy felt. The only thing he had been able to feel until meeting Edward. Whom, apart from that, was the Sin's complete opposite. Brash, clever, colorful, rude, stubborn, impulsive, Edward was so full of life it hurt. Caring deeply for his younger brother Alphonse, he was trying to fix his past mistakes instead of letting revenge blind him. Envy had been stunned, when he had seen him. How the same act perpetrated by the same person could result in two personalities as different as night and day ? Envy still doesn't understand. After what he had been through, Edward still had the strength to care about what he had left and fight for what he thought was fair ? Nonsense ! Envy had been the simple embodiement of his namesake until now, and Edward's selflessness had made him want to pull at his long black-green hair and howl in frustration. At first.

At first, he had denied the feeling fiercely, claiming he hated Edward's guts just because of the blood (Hohenheim's blood) in his veins. Alphonse didn't even have a body, so all the Homunculus' attention was on his older brother. All Envy could see was Edward's determination that covered up such a great amount of pain so alike his own. His anger increased towards the young man, for it was his fault if Envy had started to catch a glimpse of something other than resentment and hatred. After a while of pondering and not being able to get Edward out of his head, one day he had gone and had started stalking the Alchemist without him ever noticing, with the hope that if he watched him a bit and learned more about him, he would stop polluting his thoughts. Tough luck, the more he observed him, the more his… curiosity increased. So he continued, knowing very well that he was obsessing, but he couldn't help it. His "siblings" noticed, of course, that he was out more and more, and if Sloth and Pride didn't know much since they were in Central, Gluttony didn't give a damn about it, and Lust seemed to know way more than she was supposed to, Greed and Wrath weren't the type to let Envy do so without saying anything.

~o~

"Hey Envy, what're you doin' ? Dante's gone for ages and won't come back till a while… No missions, no need to go out !"

"None of your damn business, Greed," snapped Envy, without even looking at him.

"Oooooh… Goin' to stalk the Elric brat again, aren't you ? Ya know, if he turns you on that much, just go and jump him already…" Greed smirked, apparently very proud of his new way of teasing his "brother" about the way he kept stalking Edward.

"Shut it up, Greed," Envy growled, stopping on his way to the front door, fists clenching. "And as I said before, this is none… of… your… FUCKING… business !"

And he stormed out, the other still grinning viciously.

"You shouldn't tease him like that," said Lust, stepping slowly out of the shadows.

"You're no fun, Lust," Greed mock-pouted. "You know he's been a bit odd since he saw that Elric brat. Don't understand what he sees in him, by the way…"

"Then let him deal with it himself. You don't want an infuriated Envy clawing at your throat, I swear you don't."

"No," said Greed rather seriously (as much as he was capable of, anyway), turning to go back into the dephts of the manor. "I just wonder why he's obsessing over the brat. And it's fun to make him go all angry and blushing because he doesn't want to admit he IS obsessing," he finished with another vicious smirk.

Lust stared at his retreating back before sighing.

" I don't think you would understand," she murmured quietly.

Then she looked the way Envy had gone.

"I hope you'll find what you're looking for, Envy…"

~o~

Envy's fist clenched at the memory. Greed had been an infuriating bastard, back when Envy still bothered to answer back, trying to fight his need to justify his acts. "Ya know, if he turns you on that much, just go and jump him already…" Besides the innuendo, he'd wondered if it wasn't the key, that what he saw in Edward attracted him in an odd way. He had tossed the thought aside, thinking he already had enough problems without adding another. Until about two weeks ago, when he was watching the young man from far away one day. Until he realized that, indeed, a part of him wanted to claim all of Edward's… light for himself. Since then, he had become silent. Silent under Greed's crude comments about him and Edward. Silent in front of Wrath teasing him about becoming soft. Silent under the knowing gaze of Lust who seemed to understand more things about his behavior than he had been able to figure out himself. She had watched him when he denied what attracted him to Edward, she had watched him when he was telling angrily Greed or Wrath to fuck off and mind their own business, she had watched him when he became silent about it, and something in her eyes, something far more human than it was supposed to be, told him she knew, she knew what himself refused to admit.

Right now, while Envy was watching Edward sleep, the Sin was tired. Tired of trying to deny these feelings, on which he couldn't yet put a name, tired of hatred, tired of revenge, tired of violence, tired of what had been his Homunculus' nature for more than four hundred years, but not really his. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about Edward, he knew that, still faithful to his namesake, he was envious of Edward's brightness and that he wanted a bit of it for himself. Yes, he was being egoistical. So what ? The Homunculus suddenly found himself craving a touch, the feeling of this light brushing against his darkened self, just to see if he was able to feel something apart from hatred and pain, just to see if it could reveal something else for him to see, just to see if he could watch everything differently. He nearly was starving for it, he desired it more than he wanted to kill when the bloodlust awoke, he desired a touch of this light emanating endlessly from Edward…

~o~

"This is impossible, Lust," Envy said hopelessly.

The female Homunculus was the only one he trusted among them. She was deadly, yes, but somehow gentle, and when she had come to him after the first days of her transformation, scared, as much as she could be now, asking him, the oldest of them all, what they were, who they were, he had explained to her. But he knew she hadn't given up on her hopes to be human again, and he found out that he trusted her. Enough to talk a bit to her about what he felt towards Edward, when he realized he really was making him an obsession.

"I can't stop thinking, I can't get him out of my head ! I want to understand how he can be so bright, so full of life, and why this light is attracting me in a way I couldn't even define !"

"Is it ? Or is he ?"

"What do you mean ?" Envy asked, looking at her a bit nervously.

"I meant what it means. If something in him attracts you, we can say that he is attracting you."

Envy's eyes grew wide, and he began fumbling with words.

"What ? I… No, I… Don't…"

"Think, Envy," she said with a small smile, but sincere. "That light you don't understand, it's a part of him. But it isn't just the light that you want, it's what makes him having it, right ?"

Envy didn't answer. He hesitated, closed his eyes, sighed, opened them.

"Anyway, this is the strongest… desire I've ever had. I want to know what it feels like to feel…"

Lust's sudden movement surprised him a bit. She looked at him with wide eyes, then sighed.

"Be careful, Envy… Desire is the first step to Love."

~o~

"Desire is the first step to Love." Lust's words were gnawing at him, but he ignored them. When he had first heard them, the notion in the sentence was so unknown he had to struggle to remember what it was. Love was a human thing, he wasn't human anymore, so why bother ? This was just a strange attraction, not something as drastic as… love… Leaving this train of thoughts, he jumped in front of the window, which was slightly opened to let the cool air of the summer night inside. He slid his long fingers into the small space and opened the window entirely, before landing soundlessly and gracefully on the floor, his eyes never leaving the object of his attention. Nothing moved. Good. He slowly approached the sleeping figure until he reached the edge of the bed, then just stared, before noticing that the young man was bare chest. Edward looked much more his age now that his scowl had decreased in his sleep. Envy's eyes trailed on the slightly tanned face, more relaxed than a moment before, the lips still a bit parted, the hair sticking to his cheeks and forehead, before scanning lower. The neck, the collarbones, the shoulders, the scar where the automail was connected to his nerves, the muscled torso and waist, the legs tangled in the blankets.

Even in the middle of the night, Edward radiated light and warmth. Envy slowly brought his hand near the sleeping face, feeling the warm sensation of body heat, then brushed slightly a strand of hair sticking between Edward's eyes. He sighed, then turned around and sat down, leaning against the wooden frame of the nightstand. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the presence on his left, then let out a dry chuckle, barely audible.

"I don't even know why I am here," he said softly so that Edward won't awake.

His tone was surprisingly gentle, even for himself. He leaned his head back, making a hollow sound when it hit the wood behind it. Envy didn't notice the golden eyes opening suddenly wide, and kept his own eyes closed.

"I don't even know what I am doing here," he repeated. "But I couldn't stop myself."

He sighed.

"I owe you, you know ? Even if I don't really understand why, if I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have realized some… things…"

The Sin let his head fall back on his chest, his hair covering his face nearly entirely. His eyes opened, staring at the space between his feet. The presence near him didn't move.

"I don't know what to do now… I knew who you were, but I didn't expect someone like… you. I know what you've gone through, life wasn't easy for you, and yet you still have this… light, because I haven't a better word, you still have the strength to fight and try and fix what you have done. Of course you feel pain, who wouldn't with a fate like that ? But you don't let it blind you, you don't let it break you, because even if you've been deprived of a lot, you stand by what you've left, and for that… Damned fuck, for that, I admire you."

The same dry chuckle echoed softly in the room.

"I had always been seeking revenge, the only thing I felt was pain, after I became… what I am now. Then you came and broke everything, like the stupid reckless brat you are ! Suddenly I was facing something else than my own hatred, and, I have to confess to no one since I'm having a monologue, it scared me. I was intrigued too, just because I didn't understand where you found the strength to not become a bitter being like I am."

Another sigh.

"I just wanted to understand. I wanted to get to you, because you nearly made me realize there was something else than hating everyone's guts for nothing, and I wanted to see if I could see something when your brightness lights my darkness. I… wanted it, because I'm tired of it, being a Homunculus, hating people and all, and you gave me something resembling hope, and I didn't want to let it go. It was my strongest… desire since… before."

Envy let out an amused breath.

"This word, again… Lust once told me that desire was the first step to love. I found it strange. Yeah, okay, you're attracting me in that odd way I couldn't name, but I don't love you… At least, I don't think so… Or I'm just stalling and, indeed, that human emotion found its way through me even if I'm not human, at least not anymore… Hell, I can't love you, that would be… weird."

He paused, for several minutes.

"Yeah, all I wanted was to steal a bit of your radiating light that attracted me so much for it was different, and I'm there, talking to you when you can't hear me, that's a bit like talking to yourself, isn't it… And also I think I'm getting soft, and that's definitely not good news, and I'm philosophizing about love, God, I knew I was becoming mental…"

A short pause.

"And I still don't know what the fuck I am doing here."

"Then why did you come in the first place ?"

Envy literally jumped at the sound of the soft voice coming from his left. He got on his feet yet he didn't know how, turned quickly and ended up staring into two golden pools. Edward was awake.

"You… You… You're awake ?" he definitely not squeaked.

Edward sat up, face expressionless.

"As it seems."

"But… When…"

"Since I couldn't stop myself, I think."

Envy stared.

"So," he said slowly, "you heard…"

"Everything," said the blond Alchemist.

And the faintest of smirks ghosted his lips. Envy looked ready to flee.

"Don't leave yet," Edward told him. "Since you're here, we can still find you a reason for coming."

"I don't understand you." Again was unspoken.

Edward sighed.

"Well, I didn't know you were feeling all what you said, but I'm not attached to our mutual hatred to the point of ignoring that if you had wanted to kill me, you'd have done so a while ago. You're not here to kill me, right ?"

"No."

"Good."

Edward grinned.

"So, what are you doing here, instead of thinking you're losing it and wondering about love ?"

Envy's eyes went wide.

"Just tell me you didn't hear that part…"

"I would, but I don't like lying."

The Sin sank to the floor, sitting cross-legged, burying his reddening face in his hands.

"I don't know why I came," he said, his voice a bit muffled. "I was like a fucking butterfly attracted against his will by the fucking candle."

"Have you just compared me to a candle ?"

"Yeah, you are," the Sin nearly spat. "You were prancing around, radiating your fucking light and I couldn't do anything but wanting to get close to it."

"I didn't know I was so… radiant…" Edward said softly.

"Believe me, you are !"

Envy got up, standing near the bed, watching Edward who was still sitting, a thoughtful look on his handsome face. And no, Envy certainly didn't just add an adjective of any sort between his and face. The Homunculus shivered. He felt the warmth of Edward's body. He felt it nearly caressing his own skin. He felt this goddamnit light stretching its metaphorical fingers towards him, drawing him close, clouding his mind and making him stumble a step forward. Edward looked up at him quizzically.

"I know why I came," said Envy dreamily, bending over the other boy. "I wanted…"

His arm stretched out, the palm of his hand ghosting over Edward's face, feeling the warmth.

"… to know if…"

His knee found support on the bed while he was inching lower, closer.

"… having a red stone instead of a heart…"

The warmth was irresistible. It drew Envy even closer yet still not touching, feeling Edward's breath against his skin while the latter looked at him, stunned.

"… prevents from…"

The Sin's left hand rested on Edward's shoulder while his right one finally closed at the back of the blond's neck, and he bent forward just a bit more.

"… feeling."

With this last word, Envy closed the space between their lips, earning a soft moan from the blond young man who was still frozen. Envy's mind was a storm of contradictions. His conscience, clouded by the warmth radiating from Edward, merely said 'I think you are kissing Edward Elric…' without that much shock. His ego screamed in vain something along the lines of 'What the goddamit fuck are you doing, for the sake of all that is sacred ?' while the part of him he couldn't name to save his life which craved Edward's light and warmth exploded in glee. He almost jerked away when he felt an arm sneaking around his waist, a metal hand clutching his back, and Edward… kissing back, but quickly reacted when he felt those wonderfully soft and warm lips parting, allowing him inside the oh-so-hot mouth, tasting sweet and warm and definitely Edward.

Edward didn't know what he was doing. His left arm supported him now that his right had caught the Sin at the waist on its own accord. Automail react strangely, he thought, very far away from reality. Must talk to Winry about it… The feeling of Envy's tongue against his, exploring his mouth, was almost too much for him. He melted completely, throwing his mind in the nearest closet of his head, responding eagerly to the Homunculus' kiss. The need for air parted them, gazing into each other's eyes. Envy looked at him intensely, before… disappearing through the window, the ghosts of his fingers still onto the Alchemist's shoulder and neck. Edward was panting slightly, still wondering what had just happened, for God's sake, staring at the window without actually seeing it.

Outside, Envy was running, his androgynous body soundlessly moving through the night. He was a bit frantic, to say the least. Driven by that utterly wonderful warm light, he had actually kissed Edward Elric. Envy. Kissed. Edward. Three words which should never be used in the same sentence. Yet, his craving for the boy's light had lessened, and a strange feeling where his heart should be told him, first, that he actually could feel second, that he should have listened to Lust's warning. "Be careful, Envy… Desire is the first step to Love…"

TBC