Title: Cookie Day

Rating: PG-13

Pairings/Characters: Gen. Varia centric with Tsuna on the side.

Warning: Retarded crack. The Varia have a cookie day. No good can come of that.

Summary: Cookie day was a wholesome, anticipated event. Until Xanxus ruined it.

AN: This is set in some make-believe timeline where Tsuna is like, a bit jaded from having to be responsible over the worst mafia family ever. IN OTHER WORDS,LIEK OMG OOC BUT I HAD FUN WRITING IT.

It is notable that flour is, when dry, highly combustible.

"Motherfuck," Tsuna said openly, eyes wide and fingers clenching, white-knuckled, what appeared to be a very official document. "Oh, my god."

Twenty five million dollars.

Twenty. Five. Million. Dollars.

"Repairs on one (1) Varia household," the paper read, stark black lettering on a nice, clean grid. "Damages include: fire damage, smoke damage, water damage, damages of unknown natures, damages to landscaping by way of fire, smoke...."

The list went on.

Tsuna set the crumpled paper down in a very calm manner. He took a breath. Picked it up again.

Set it down again.

"I hate them all," he said flatly. He reached over the expansive surface of his desk, pressing a small button urgently.

"Yes, sir?" His secretary, a polite woman named Gloria or Glinda or Tsuna couldn't even care right now, asked. "Can I help you?"

"Bottle of scotch," He replied shortly, releasing the button without waiting to hear an affirmative.

He looked back at the paper with weary eyes.

He didn't even want to know.

To be fair, the fire wasn't on purpose.

Cookie day in the Varia mansion was a seldom-mentioned, much-anticipated event. (No one talked about it because assassins showing glee towards the consumption of baked goods wasn't exactly beneficial to the bloodthirsty nature they wanted to uphold.)

But there it was, always marked on the calendar, bimonthly, in bright red letters. The anticipation before the day was almost palpable, hanging thick and sweet in the air. Everyone showed their excitement in their own ways- Bel killed more small animals, Lussuria wore glitter and his special pink boa, and Squalo somehow managed to get a little bit louder.

Xanxus even did his part- three bottles of whiskey instead of two.

(Levi didn't do anything, because Levi didn't like cookies.)

Like clockwork, cookie day was run on a tight schedule.

Squalo would do most of the work, usually while bitching about it at a high decibel yet seemingly enjoying the inane task. Bel would stare at him like some cookie-loving psycho, sometimes going into action to steal some of the dough and generally pissing Squalo off. Lussuria would sing cookie songs and wear an apron.

Xanxus would sit in his office and drink, but the spirit was there.

(Levi would garden.)

It was a simple, harmonious affair.

Or it was, until Xanxus decided, like Xanxus would oft decide, to be a fun-ruining douche.

"I don't fucking want chocolate chips cookies," Xanxus snarled, having emerged from his office that fateful cookie day to see if the goods were done. He would never admit it, but he had a bit of a soft spot in his leathery, evil heart for cookies, even if the ones Squalo baked got an inevitable hair or two in every batch. But today the idea of chocolate chips were rubbing him wrong, and he made it known in the most unpleasant way possible.

"DON'T HIT ME WHILE I'M MIXING," Squalo roared, arm curling protectively around the bowl. "I CAN MAKE ANOTHER KIND AFTER THIS."

"The prince wants chocolate chip," Bel complained, eyeing Xanxus ruefully. Or he might have been eyeing the ceiling or the door or anything else, no one could freaking tell with his hair in the way.

"I want ginger snaps," Xanxus demanded, face severe.

"You'll have to fucking wait," Squalo replied, mixing sugar into the bowl. He kept a wary eye on Xanxus.

"I would have never pegged boss to be a ginger snap kind of guy~" Lussuria sang from the table, where he was doing a crossword puzzle. No one payed attention to him.

A minute passed. Squalo set down his spoon, letting out a sigh.

"What?!" Xanxus was staring at him, and it was starting to freak him out. Bel snickered and stole some batter from the bowl while Squalo was distracted.

"Why are you still making chocolate chip, trash?"

Squalo turned to Xanxus, looking annoyed and kind of gay as he put his hands on his hips. (His apron said 'Kiss the Shark'. Lussuria had a questionable choice in Christmas presents.) "I can bring you some ginger snaps to your office when they're done," He said, scowling. "You've never had a fucking problem with chocolate chips before."

"I didn't ask you to question me," Xanxus said, and without another word, clenched a suddenly flaming fist.

Squalo didn't even have a chance to stop Xanxus from punching the bowl.

It is, once again, notable that flour is combustible.

It was a good thing that the Varia were fast and used to dangerous situations, because for a mansion that was made out of mainly stone, man, did that thing catch on fire quick.

"I'll book the hotel," Squalo said quietly, when they were all panting on the grass a good half mile away from the gigantic fire that used to be their house. They all winced as an explosion shook the ground, shooting fire to the sky- the blaze had obviously reached Xanxus' store of booze.

"My garden," Levi whimpered.

(It was also notable that upon reaching the hotel, Xanxus discreetly ordered a tray of ginger snaps.)

THE ANTICLIMATIC END.

*goes to class sadly*