AN: I must admit, I'm starting to miss updating Hold On. My hard drive just got fixed, and I'm getting it either tomorrow or the day after, so I won't be able to update until then. During my Hold On hiatus, I decided to try writing other pairings, like Maddison and MerFinn, and yes, MerDer. It's a big flop and I failed at it bigtime. (It's actually still posted and incomplete. It's called Murphy's Law. But I sort of lost the inspiration to do it so I'm thinking of taking it down and re-doing it.) I feel awful about it, actually, because I felt like I was betraying to one true love (okay, drama much?)-- Addek. So whatever. I wrote this. I guess I just jumped at writing other ships without easing myself into it. This is my trying to ease in. (But I gotta admit, writing this made me miss them so much more than before that I doubt I'd ever write anything other than Addek in my whole life.)
Anyway, R&R for this one, please. It's just sort of something that got to me because I was on an emotional high after getting into a fight (where i tried being passive-aggressive. It backfired. Haha.) This is about letting go and stuff like that. :)
Thanks for reading. (I doubt anyone reads ANs. Hahaha. If you do though, hello! :D)
-I own nothing.
Addison Montgomery.
Montgomery.
It sounded so foreign. She had not used her maiden name on its own for nearly 12 years. And now, after years of being Addison Shepherd, she had to slip right back and get used to the Montgomery once again. Well, Forbes Montgomery.
To her, Addison Montgomery was the girl from seventh grade, always seated at the back of the room, her lisp and her braces a big humiliation. Addison Montgomery was the unsure, self-conscious and geeky to a fault teenager, whose sole comfort in high school were her books and Star Wars obsession.
And now, as she achingly signed her name without the Shepherd for the first time in a while, she felt the seventh grader in her rise, overthrowing the confidence she had built so painstakingly for. The divorce had been finalized recently, and she wondered if she would ever be the same strong, and independent woman she once was, the one Derek had helped create. It saddened her to think that Derek had made her strong and self-destructive at the same time. She couldn't be Addison, strong-willed and intelligent Addison without Derek.
Sure she acted as if she didn't care, as if she felt nothing for Derek; no resentment or heartache upon seeing him pine for Meredith. Yes, she made the world believe she was made of stone, unfeeling and uncaring. But deep inside, whatever concrete she had built as an exterior was a complete oxymoron to the breakdown her inner self was encountering. She wasn't Addison Shepherd anymore. Instead, she was Addison Montgomery; lonely and afraid Addison Montgomery.
The hospital was buzzing with gossip, about how the divorce was finalized and McDreamy and McIntern were back together. It was sickening, really, how everyone in the damn hospital had no consideration for her feelings. They would never empathize, never understand, never see her as beyond the adulteress ex-wife who broke up dark and twisty Meredith and her knight in shining whatever. They would never know how it felt to retreat to the same shell she had long since forgotten of, a shell she truly believed she had no use for anymore.
But damn the world if she could not preserve the dignity she had left. After all, she was Addison Forbes Montgomery. Shepherd or no Shepherd, she was Addison Montgomery, and that geek in the back row managed to outsmart everyone else and become a world-renowned neonatal surgeon. Addison Forbes Montgomery wasn't going to be defined by the men in her life any longer. She was going to pick up the pieces and rebuild herself, prove to everyone at Seattle Grace that she deserved respect, deserved her place as top doctor, and did not deserve to be called Satan. Addison Forbes Montgomery was not someone anyone could simply mess around with. You bite the Queen of Passive-Aggressiva, and she bites you back.
Sighing determinedly, she slipped on her Prada heels and picked up her Louis Vuitton bag, ready to show everyone that the Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery was back on track. She traveled in relative comfort, and stood before the hospital, eager.
Shepherd.
The word flit through her head for a split second, buckling her knees for a while. But she would not succumb to the weakness anymore. Shepherd now meant a time in her life she would consider a learning experience. She wouldn't regret it, she decided. No, the past eleven years of her life have taught her to be tough and loving at the same time. She could not regret it or forget it. And whatever love she had gained or lost in those eleven years made her who she was now; understanding to a fault, but vicious and invulnerable just the same.
"You're looking savvy today, aren't you?"
Addison looked down to see Miranda Bailey, her lips pursed and expecting an answer. "Nope. Not savvy. Just encouraged."
Bailey smiled. "Glad to hear it. You'll give your McBastard ex-husband a run for his money with that look in your eye."
She raised a perfectly shaped brow at her. "What look?"
"That determined, 'I'll-conquer-the-world' look. It suits you, Addison. You were never one to mope around and be someone's leftovers anyway."
Addison nodded, smiling appreciatively. "Today's the day I become Addison Forbes Montgomery again. No Mark, no Derek—"
"No ring," Miranda stated, eyeing her ring finger cautiously.
"Yes. No ring. I took them off today. I feel free, vindicated even."
"Well. I'd hate to see that attitude go away. It stays, right?"
"It stays," she confirmed, her jaw clenching determinedly. "I'm moving forward. Like I said, no Mark, no Derek, no Meredith, and no gossip to ruin me again. Ever."
If there was one thing anyone noticed in Addison that day, it was the fire in her eyes. The fire was ablaze with a thousand unexpected things that it left even Derek speechless. He had noticed the subtle change in Addison. She wasn't sad or hurt anymore. She didn't allow herself to be emotional. She eased in and slipped back into the old, independent woman she was always destined to be. It frightened him, quite honestly. It frightened him to see Addison move on so quickly. But then again, he had no right to be frightened for he was now lying in bed with Meredith snoring soundly beside him.
He shifted slightly, his hands underneath his head as he stared at the ceiling. He never knew it would be hard seeing Addison move on the way she did. The pain he felt was unexpected, especially when he saw the OR board this morning, with a Dr. Montgomery instead of a Dr. Montgomery- Shepherd doing a TTS. The change, the transition was enormous, and he could not fathom how things went by so quickly, how the events that led him to where he was no happened in a spur.
Addison, for the past eleven years of his life, was the best and worst part of him. She always had her way of being right, of asserting herself that he found it endearing and intimidating all at once. He supposed that was what pushed him to work those extra hours at the hospital, to sleep in on call rooms instead of their cozy bed at the Brownstone. She always did things without effort that it made Derek feel inferior. Addison was always top of her class, was the smartest student and best OB GYN, all without effort. And it had ultimately pushed Derek to want to prove to himself and to everyone that he deserved someone as amazing as Addison Montgomery.
Because to him, Addison Montgomery wasn't the seventh grader with a lisp and no breasts. No. To him, Addison was the epitome of grace and poise, of competency and maturity. Addison Montgomery was the woman who had stolen his heart with her witty sarcasm but adoring love. She was Addison Montgomery, and it hurt to not think of her as a Shepherd, as his wife.
Slipping out of bed and into the living room, he picked up his phone and dialed a set of familiar numbers. He wouldn't have had to since she'd always been speed dial one since they started dating, but Meredith was supposed to be his number one now, and so after 17 years of Addison being speed dial one, she had been replaced by Meredith a couple of days ago, much to his heartache. It ringed, for a moment, before she picked up, her voice unwavering.
"Dr. Montgomery," she greeted flatly, clearly not appreciating the call at such an ungodly hour.
"You're moving on," he whispered, himself surprised by the loneliness in his voice.
She was quiet for a moment, before sitting up straighter and setting her jaw. "Surely you weren't expecting me to stay miserable the rest of my life. Or were you?"
"No, no. I wasn't. I just didn't… expect things to have been so quick, is all." The raw honesty in his voice was foreign. He was rarely completely honest about things anymore, so much so that he believed all the lies he told himself.
She made a curt nod, deciding not to get affected by the melancholy tone he carried. "I'm just trying to put my life back together, Derek."
"As is your right." He paused, unsure of what to say next. He never once thought he'd be having this conversation with Addison. He somehow always believed he never had to, especially after the less than amicable divorce they had settled upon. "I wish the best for you," he whispered. "Because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy."
Addison chuckled sardonically. "If I ever get close to the happiness you and Meredith share, I'll consider myself lucky. I may deserve the best, Derek, but the best doesn't always mean happiness."
He remained quiet, unwilling to break the invisible bond he was feeling. He was being drawn to her, for reasons unknown. It seemed that now that she was beginning to find her place in the world, everything he was ever confused about became clearer, finally making sense. He still loved her, but was unwilling to concede that she had found comfort in somebody else. He still loved her, but was then too caught up in his selfishness that he didn't bother to give that love a voice. He still loved her, plain and simple. "You'll always deserve to be happy, Addison. God knows how much you do," he said finally, pushing away his less than desirable thoughts.
She nodded, all together confused, but noting the sincerity in his voice. "You too, Derek. You deserve to be happy. And Meredith… she makes you happy. That's all I really want, anyway."
It was his turn to nod, his heart screaming at him to tell her, to let her know he still loved her in spite of all the hardships they had put each other through. But he knew she was in a good place now, in a place where she was finally being Addison Forbes Montgomery, no attachments, no baggage. And he couldn't ruin that for her, not again. I love you, he longed to say, because they would be far from empty words. They would be the key to his chained happiness. "You're Addison Forbes Montgomery. You'll never be destined for a life of misery. What Meredith and I have," he paused. "Whatever we have, I'm sure as hell you'll find something better, something worth your time. You'll find that man who will appreciate you and take care of you no matter what happens."
Addison sighed. She knew him well enough to recognize the defeat in his voice. He was letting her go, setting her free. It pained her to ignore the butterflies in her stomach at the obvious care and affection Derek was showing. But it had to be done, in order for them to move forward. "Like I said, Derek. If I ever get close to the kind of thing you and Meredith share, I'd be happy. I'm happy for you Derek." She meant it, of course. How could she not be happy for him when it was clear to everyone Meredith was who he wanted?
"And I'm happy you're finally spreading your wings again. You'll soar higher than before, I'm sure." It hurt to let go, but it had to be done.
"Promise you'll still be there when I fall?" Her voice was hopeful, with the slightest hint of pleading. She could never completely rid himself of Derek, or he of her. They would always be bound to each other, like some sort of magnetic attraction that only the two of them shared.
Derek's voice caught in his throat, knowing in his heart he'd never completely let Addison go anyway. "I'll always be here, I promise. I'll be that man on earth, proud of the way you're soaring, and I'd be bursting with pride at the heights you're bound to reach."
Addison felt a single tear slip down her cheek, but she wiped it hastily, unwilling to admit that she was anxious about not flying with him. Derek had always been her wings, but now, he was merely the man who had her caged up but was letting her go to soar to whole new heights. "You were never the man who caged me," she said, more to herself than to him. "You never caged me. You… took care of me. And I'll always love you for that, Derek. Always."
"Then I'm glad I never clipped your wings. Because the cage is open, Addie, and you're free. But just… just know that my arms will always be open, in case you ever want to return home."
Home.
Derek was home, no matter what happened.
"I'll always love you too, Addison. Forever and always, remember?"
She sighed heavily, deciding once and for all that letting go and moving forward was the best option. Derek would always be a part of her, no matter how much she decided to be independent or free flying. "Forever and always, Derek."
So what do you think? People at home aren't talking to me because of that fight, which kind of sucks because I know I'm right. Hahaha. Anyway, let me know what you think. It'll make me really happy. :D
Thanks for reading. 3