I return! With hopefully better writing! Needed a break from all things heirverse and wanted to write something fun and hilarious. There's only so much I can write about Gin/Ran/Orihime/Ulqui/Momo crying and having breakdowns without it getting me down.

Gosh its been a while. Good lord, I totally forgot about this one til SesshomaruFreak reviewed EVERYTHING on this. There was much screaming... by me. Time to get busy and dust off my crackifying skills. Let's hope I'm still hilarious.

A Renji song just for the sheer cracktastic hell of it. Because Renji has no shame. And Drunk Renji has even less shame. For you, Sesh, for review spamming everything ;) Have Renji sissying that walk and just fucking slaying.

Featuring some RuPaul this time who is my queen of drag! She sings the most upbeat empowering songs you just have to strut your stuff to. I so wanna write a RuPaul's drag race bleach crack now... but I have my Apprentice one to start first. If you haven't watched it, go check out RuPaul's Drag Race! Do it now! It's America's next top model only with fierce and shady drag queens.

Mature audience warning as the song has a couple of naughty lines. [on a sidenote why does all my crack wind up having drag in it?!]

We'll have a couple more RuPaul songs before I can accommodate requests :) Also, yay for fic cross references! Props if you catch the "Consequences of losing a bet" reference here. As always no shade on the celebs cameo-ed here. That's me, folks. I'm gonna have my dinner and crash. Work tomorrow. Happy reading. Comments and requests are always welcome. And if you like this and want more of my crack there's a list of my crackfics on my profile.

Chapter 14: Sissy That Walk

The evening was rolling on slowly, and the Pink Parrot nightclub was still jumping. But everyone reasoned the night was still so young, and there was still so much more fun to be had before everybody went home, nevermind the fact it was nearly 1am. Everyone that is, except Toshiro, who had been dragged there by Rangiku, and was still pretty sour about it.

"Matsumoto, why did you drag me here? The music's too loud, I'm tired, and I just want to go home."

Rangiku, however, was having an absolute ball. "Oh, taichou, will you loosen up?" she whined, "Here," she said, sliding him her vodka and coke. A double one, naturally. "The reason you aren't having any fun is because you aren't drinking anything. Drink up, have fun, what's the worst that could happen?"

Toshiro frowned. "We will all end up on Ichimaru's youtube channel, our embarrassing escapades preserved forever on the internet?"

Rangiku scowled. Vowing silently that she would get that stick out of her captain's arse, one way or another. "Psh, you're no fun."

"I could say the same for you."

"Alright, enough bickerin' yous," Renji's voice broke the relative quiet in between songs. "I'mma gonna sing now."

Toshiro frowned at Renji now, too. "Abarai, go home. You're drunk."

"Well I did come 'ere to get wrecked." Renji smirked. Putting his arms around both Rangiku and her captain. "C'mon Ran, help me pick a song ta sing."

Rangiku shot her icy killjoy of a captain the smuggest grin. "At least he knows how to have a good time." she told him, before letting herself be dragged off to the DJ to put his song request in.

…

The two found Byakuya at a table near the DJ's sound deck, quietly sipping a drink. Renji waved to him in greeting.

"Yo, Taichou, I didn' know ya were here."

He watched Byakuya sign softly. "I am here as Rukia's escort, in the hope of avoiding a family scandal. Although that might be difficult with Ichimaru filming everything." Byakuya flicked through his phone and showed the bright screen to Renji. "Have you seen this man's youtube channel? Absolutely ridiculous. There are videos of people uploaded already."

"Damn," Rangiku said, "He works fast."

"Yes." Byakuya nodded. "Which is why I mean to keep Rukia off of that stage and off the internet."

"Gonna be a bit hard, cuz here she comes."

Byakuya sat bolt upright, rod-straight. "What?!"

"Best go stop her before she gets here." Renji told him, "I'll watch your drink for you while I put my song request in."

He could see the grimace on his captain's face even through the dim lighting. He watched, too, as Byakuya covered his face with his hand and dragged it down his face, groaning. If he didn't know any better, he'd say his captain just face-palmed.

"Renji... Renji, no. Please do not disgrace yourself or this division by getting up on that stage."

Renji rolled his eyes. "Well I aint at work now, and what the hell am I supposed to do? It's a kareoke bar, what's the point of going to a kareoke bar if you aint gonna sing stuff?"

Rangiku clapped her hands, "Well said, Renji!"

"So I'm gonna sing. End of story."

And with that, Renji stalked off, ignoring all of Byakuya's warnings. You''ll regret it later, it'll be on the internet forever, you'll only embarrass yourself, you'll bring shame to our division... blah blah blah. He was off the clock now. It didn't matter what he did. And as far as he was concerned, internet fame was awesome.

"Yooo, DJ Wolfy," he slurred, leaning over the sound deck, "Gimme a beat... something sassy..."

…

Meanwhile, Aizen and Gin sat together, drinking and admiring the immense number of views his youtube videos had gained already. Gin had changed out of his drag and into the shirt and jeans he was wearing when he arrived at the club, saying this was much more comfortable.

"Ya see! Look!" Gin beamed. "The disney one people like best."

"You work fast, don't you?"

"Gotta take advantage of the free wifi while ya can."

"Hm, yes, indeed." Aizen nodded.

Their little talk was interrupted, however, when a mysterious older man in a smart business suit approached them and cleared his throat. The two men looked up at him.

The older man scrutinised Gin, and immediately Aizen tensed. Because nobody oggled what was his.

"I thought you'd be in drag." he commented offhandedly. Gin frowned at him.

"Do ya know how uncomfortable drag is?" Gin asked him. "Me legs were getting cold and dun gemme started on the damn corsets..."

The old man fumbled a bit, and mumbled something about starting over. Aizen muttered to himself that yes, he better, and the man cleared his throat again.

"Hello, Gin, I am Lord Alan Sugar, I'm just here to inform you of a change in your management. As of today I will be taking over from Trump, and I just need you to sign an updated contract for your television show."

Gin took the papers from him, and the pen, reading through and signing his name before handing the document back to his new manager.

"But where's Trump-sama?" Gin asked him.

"He said something about getting shot of his shadier, draggier business dealings and being president, and then seeking world domination. Nonetheless, I brought the rights to manage you from him, so as of today I am your new agent and manager."

"Oh.." Was all Gin could say. Well... he had wanted to be free of Trump and his awful management for a while now, but it would take a little while for it to truly sink in. Maybe things would be better with this Lord Sugar.

Next to him, Aizen smouldered, grumbling to himself through gritted teeth. "World domination," he sneered, "Bitch needs to step off if he thinks he can beat me to ruling the world."

Aizen then got a tape recorder out of his suit pocket and talked into it.

"Note to self," Aizen said, "Destroy Donald Trump. Also buy out this Sugar person and take over as Gin's manager."

Gin glanced at him, curious. "What ya sayin', Aizen-san?"

Aizen just smiled, feigning innocence. "Oh, nothing, Gin. Nothing at all."

"I'm also here to give you last month's cut." Alan sugar continued, reaching into his briefcase and handing Gin a large wad of cash. Gin grinned and took it, counting out all the money.

"How did you get that?" Aizen marveled at the money.

"Oh, this," Gin shrugged, "Well it's kinda all your fault really. That bet you made me lose where I had to wear a dress for three days? Well it ended in me gaining employment as a drag queen. At the start I was so embarrassed, but it all worked out in the end.

So jokes on you, Aizen-sama, you wanted to humiliate me but really ya jus' made me rich. And I'm now a headline act at the Pink Parrot."

Aizen nearly choked on his drink. "This place headlines you?!"

Gin shrugged. "Tis a drag club. Well actually, its all sorts a clubs really. Plus they pay me well."

Aizen just muttered into his tape recorder again, shielding his words with his hand as if he were whispering to someone. "Note to self, buy the Pink Parrot. Buy Gin. Actually just buy everything. Anything you can't buy just take by force."

They were interrupted by the lights dimming down and Renji taking to the stage. Gin smiled, fishing out his camera and turning it on.

"Oh look, Renji's gonna sing now."

Aizen smiled, wondering what the fiery redhead would sing. "You best get your camera ready."

Gin chuckled. "I'm waaaay ahead a ya." he said, steadily making his way to the front, shoving people out of the way. For the best view, he said.

Gin had just enough time to point the camera at himself and smile and wave to his viewers and youtube subscribers before the lights turned really low, and the spotlight shone down on Renji. Gin turned the camera around so he was now filming the redhead, just before the music started. A steady, upbeat techno simply made for sashaying down a runway to.

The song started off easily enough, and Renji's voice boomed out, loud and confident. Because this was Renji Abarai, and he did nothing by halves. Renji was strong and confident, and it showed in his singing voice. His surprisingly in tune and in key voice... with Renji doing something resembling the vogue hand movements Madonna invented in time with the upbeat music as he sang the first verse.

"Pick myself up, turn the world on its head
Don't forget what, don't forget what my mama said
People talking since the beginning of time
Unless they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind."

Byakuya blinked from his place in the audience, sitting oat his table. Why did Renji look at me when he said that line about paying those bitches no mind? He wondered. He would have to ask Renji later. Find out what exactly the man was implying about him; that he was a bitch. He frowned. No, no, he wasn't liking this one bit.

The fangirls, however, had begun cheering the moment Renji opened his big mouth. The manager was is lip synching, mirroring Renji's sassy hand gestures. People were dancing on the floor, jumping up and down, some even had glowsticks and were activating them so the whole scene resembled one very sassy rave. Someone even handed Gin one, which he took, and he quickly ran to his table and Aizen to collect his camera's tripod just so he too, could jump and dance with Rangiku.

And Renji...

Renji was absolutely living for it. He belted out the song's chorus, aware all eyes were watching him and all ears were listening to him. Him, the so-called "Tone deaf moron" as Ikkaku liked to call him. Well, who was a tone deaf moron now?

"And if I fly, or if I fall
Least I can say I gave it all
And if I fly, or if I fall
I'm on my way, I'm on my way..."

Renji grinned to himself. Everyone was cheering him on, chanting his name. "Renji! Renji! Renji!"

It was all the encouragement he needed. And hell, this song was empowering as fuck. He was killing it up here on the stage. Slaying the song and the audience. And it was hard to miss Ichimaru filming him, that little red light indicating he was being recorded for all of the internet to behold. He would be famous! But not just famous... internet famous! People would talk about him endlessly!

And it wasn't like he didn't know he was being filmed. Who in Seireitei wasn't subscribed to Gin's youtube channel? And he knew they were all going to watch the video anyway when they all woke up with huge hangovers.

So why not give them a reason to watch?

"Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh
Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh

Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh

Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh"

Renji smirked as he slowly undid the buttons of his shirt, pulling it aside to reveal ridiculously sculpted abs earned from years of training and hard work.

His fangirls screamed. People went wild. And all for him. All for him. And he was loving every damn second of it. He got ready for the next section of his performance and the bridge of the song, the musical interlude, pointing at the crowd of his adoring fans as he sang, or rather shouted, the next line:

"Now sissy that walk!"

And then Renji Abarai, half shirtless, abs exposed to the world and all of youtube, used the stage as a runway, much to the delight of the crowded nightclub to the dancy techno beat.

What was Byakuya talking about? Renji wondered as he strutted his stuff, removing his shirt and slinging it over one of his shoulders so he could carry it like the models in Rukia's magazines did. This is amazing, being up here! Singing and being cheered on, strutting my stuff, and using the stage as a damn runway. Sissying that walk like the song said.

He stopped right on cue in the centre of the stage just in time for the next verse, pointing again at the audience as he sang,

"Better beware,
Ain't no T, ain't no shade
But at the same time, bitches better get out the way"

Renji threw his shirt down to the floor and fanned himself with his hand at the next line, bringing all of his sass into the vocals,

"I'm a femme queen, mother of a house of no shame" he sang, then letting his hand run down his body to his crotch at the next line, "My pussy is on fire,"

He smirked, then, as all of his fangirls screamed for him, microphone in one hand with one finger pointed at his crotch and the other hand directly on his crotch, "now kiss the flame."

And everybody screamed.

The door to the club opened then, to reveal a very tall glamazon of a woman with extravagantly styled blonde hair, and a deep blue gown absolutely bedecked with jewels. A woman who was immediately greeted by one of the managers. This was RuPaul herself, in her finest drag.

"Mama Ru! You made it!"

"Why of course Dahhling!" the glamazon, Ru, trilled, exchanging cheek-kisses with the dark haired woman. "I never miss a good party. Oh, this club is jumpin' up in here! Oh and who is that wonderful song you're playing?"

"Yours, my queen." the star-struck manager told her.

Ru laughed, "Ah of course. Now get me a drink dahling, I'm absolutely parched!"

The manager scuttled away to get her queen a glass of the finest prosecco, leaving Ru to take her seat at a nearby table, and admire the shirtless man strutting on the stage and singing her song. Admiring the talent on the Pink Parrot's stage. Singing all the words, never missing a beat.

"And if I fly, or if I fall
Least I can say I gave it all
And if I fly, or if I fall
I'm on my way, I'm on my way..."

Meanwhile, right after filming Renji pointing to his crotch and attempting sexy, Gin had picked up his camera and cut his video to Byakuya with his face down on the table groaning. Gin cackled maniacally, like a wicked witch.

"Ne, Bya-kun, whaddya think a Renji's song?"

But the only answer Gin got was an anguished groan from Byakuya. In the background, Renji's continued singing could still be heard.

"Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh

Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh

Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh

Fly, fly, fly, fly uh oh uh uh oh"

Renji meanwhile, was living for this. He was totally slaying it. Byakuya was dying of embarrassment. Gin had placed his camera back on its tripod and was dancing with Rangiku. And Rukia, somewhere in the middle of the dancefloor, was screaming. Absolutely living for Renji right now. Actually, everyone is living for Renji right now.

And Renji knew it. He knew it, and he was loving it. It was just a shame the end of the song was coming. Because this was a feeling he could get used to. He could do this every week! He was sure the ladies who ran this joint took gig bookings. He'd have to ask. But right now, he had to focus. He had a show to perform, and he couldn't perform properly if he wasn't focused. He could feel the song reach the climax and the music rise to its peak, and he maneuvered his way back to centre stage again, moonwalking backwards and turning to his adoring audience, pointing at them as he said the final line and the music cut out.

"Now sissy that walk!"

As expected, the crowd went wild. And Renji, his work done, dropped the microphone to the stage floor and exited the stage. Very much pleased with himself.