Cry For Help

Do you ever get those days where you just feel like giving up? Where you feel like there's no point in you living because you're just that low? Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

I'm fed up with my 'Sonny' demeanour. Because I'm not that girl. I'm not who I'm supposed to be. Haven't been for over a year now. I wish I could be happy again.

I was so deep into it that I was using my Twitter to show just how I was feeling. I was admitting my problem to the whole world. Naturally, as a celebrity hundreds of thousands of people follow me, and I just know that whatever I say will be on the gossip websites within the hour. But I needed a release.

AllyRandom I'm going to be straight with you guys because you deserve to know the truth. And I'm fed up with this masquerade.

AllyRandom Lets start off with a rumour shall we? Those weird marks on my wrist from December? They were exactly what you thought.

AllyRandom See, unlike my nickname, I'm not sunny. I haven't been for over a year. I think I may possibly have depression.

AllyRandom I don't even know who I am anymore. Seriously you guys probably know me better than I do.

AllyRandom I want to be that happy, bubbly girl who came to Hollywood, after her biggest dream came true.

AllyRandom I can't write funny sketches anymore. I think I might be fired from So Random! soon because I just don't bring anything to the table.

AllyRandom I think even Tawni is worried about me. And that's saying something.

AllyRandom I just want someone to actually care enough to ask me if I'm okay. To not see my fake smiles and think I'm fine.

AllyRandom Because I'm not. Not one bit. I just need someone to make me feel worth something.

AllyRandom And I'm sorry for all this. But I was fed up with keeping it all in. I laugh to keep myself from crying.

AllyRandom I'm not attention seeking if any of you think that. No, this is simply a cry for help.

I gave up on that. Why was I telling all these randoms who didn't know me, stuff about my private life which people who did know me didn't know? They were all going to think I was a head case now. I was though.

I refreshed the page. I wanted to see if any of the people I followed had said anything. I was sick of the sound of my own tweets. There were a few random things in between my sorrow filled tweets, but nothing of note. I refreshed again, deciding I would go offline after that. There was one new tweet, and it certainly caught my attention.

ChadDCbaby AllyRandom Turn around.

Why was Chad telling me to turn around? There was something seriously wrong with that boy.

AllyRandom ChadDCbaby Whyyy?

But at least he was kind of responding to me, even if I didn't know what he meant. At least he seemed to care. Maybe that was why I loved him. Not that I would admit that to anyone, especially him.

ChadDCbaby AllyRandom For God's sake Sonny, just do it.

I sighed and turned around. There he was in all his blonde-haired glory. In the middle of my dressing room, looking at me with sympathy in his eyes. Oh how great, just what I wanted.

"What do you want, Chad?" I asked, my tone a little bit more malicious than I meant. He looked taken aback, before he returned to how he looked before.

He walked over to me and crouched to look me right in the eye (I was sitting on a chair). "I thought you might need a hug.' Then he wrapped his muscular arms around me and pulled me into him. He nestled his head in my neck. I cautiously encompassed my arms around him. This was the most affection the heartthrob had shown towards me. He had never hugged me before. To be honest, I thought that he hated me. All we did was argue. He always seemed annoyed to see me. So what was this about?

"Chad, why are you hugging me?"

"You said that you wanted someone to care enough to ask you if you're okay. Well here I am, only I'm not going to ask because I know you're not. Now, come over here," he said whilst dragging me over to Tawni's chaise-longue, "and tell me exactly how you feel. And don't be afraid to tell me anything because I'm not going to judge you or nothing." We were sitting on the piece of furniture as if we were on a couch. He put his arm around me and I leant into him.

"Why are you so out of character? And why do you care all of a sudden?"

"All of a sudden? My dear Sonny, I have always cared about you, I've just never shown it. And now, when you need someone who cares, I thought I'd let you know that I do." Why did he say 'my dear'? Was this some kind of joke? He really didn't sound like himself.

"Please don't call me Sonny, because that name deserves to be used on someone happy."

"Okay then, you want me to call you Ally?" I nodded. "Right then, now that we have that out of the road: spill."

"I don't know Chad; I just don't want to be me anymore. If being me means having all this shitty emotional baggage then I want to be someone else. All I feel these days is either numb or pain. Like some days I just can't breathe, and I get this stabbing feeling in my chest. I just don't get why it has to be me that got this. I don't wish it on anyone else, but I just want to know why me? What did I ever do wrong? And I wear this freaking mask all day long because I don't want to show people how I really feel. I look forward to going to bed, because it's the only time I can be who I am right now. It's the only time I can cry without being asked about it. It's not like I do cry though, no matter how much I want to, I never can. And I want to be stronger than I am. I'm ashamed of my scars because it means I was weak enough to let it get to me. But I remember that when I first did it, I was proud of the weird mark I woke up to that morning. I'm just fed up. I don't want to waste my time fighting this bastard off; I want to be doing fun stuff. You know, I go to the beach a lot and just look at the ocean. Sometimes I wonder if it would be too bad to just let the waves carry me away." Tears had been making their way down my face since I had started talking. The shoulder of Chad's Mackenzie Falls blazer was soaked.

He looked down at me worriedly. He brushed the tears on my cheeks away. "Promise me to never think like that again? Please just promise me that?" Fear echoed in his voice.

"I would never do that; I'm too much of a coward."

"Just don't think of it ever again. I beg of you."

"I don't get why you're so bothered about me. I'm just one of the freaks from 'Chuckle City'."

"I've never thought of you as a freak. And I'm bothered because I care about you. Don't you dare think any different. Now, continue."

"There's nothing else to say. Except that I wish someone could just tell me how to get better. I just want to be fixed."

"Only you can fix yourself. Because no one else knows what's best for you as much as yourself."

"Thank you for listening to my moaning Chad."

"It's no problem. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here. I'll always take your call and I will always try to come to you personally. Just know that I'm here."

I pulled him in for another hug. "Thank you," I whispered into his ear.

"I just want my Sonny back." He said quietly. His Sonny? His Sonny? Seriously, what had gotten into him?

After he left, I went on to Twitter again. He hadn't updated. I didn't care about the rest of the people I followed. Even though all of the ones who followed me back were showing concern for me.

AllyRandom I just confided everything in one amazing friend. I feel much better now. I just wish I wasn't scared to utter those 3 words. I love you.

I don't even know why I posted that. It would probably completely ruin the friendship we had which I didn't know existed until a few hours ago. I sighed to myself. Why did I always have to mess things up? At least I didn't say it to his face, so I couldn't get personally rejected.

I refreshed the page. A nervous feeling bubbled in my stomach. He had updated.

ChadDCbaby If I could fix you, you know I would. But all I can do is help, and hope. I don't know why my feelings are reciprocated but I love you too.

I didn't see that coming. I really didn't. Why would he love me? I was just some fucked up girl who needed to be taken to a shrink. My lips twitched upwards into a small smile. It wasn't much but it was a real smile this time. I had to show him before it went away, but it would be gone by the time I found him, so I quickly took a picture.

AllyRandom -Twitpic link- Yes that is a real smile. You've helped a lot. Thank you.

ChadDCbaby I really do have hope now. And as I told you: anytime. Anytime.

I could already hear the rumour mills churning. This time they would be correct. My god, had I given them a day of gossip. First I confess to the world that I probably have depression. Then I say I love someone. Now they would have had to guess who it was, but then he said it back, making it oh-so-very obvious. I knew the 'Channy' stuff would be starting again very soon. I just hope it's not a trending topic at any point, because I can see that happening, and it's really quite pointless.

AN: I really do not know where this came from, possibly my actions yesterday. I tend to state exactly how I feel on twitter, so I guess this is where this came from. So yeah, I realise some parts of this were pretty weak. It's a pretty strange idea, but whatever. R&R