Okay, before you continue, I'd like to say that this is not the "How to Survive a Horror Movie" list. It has elements of the list, but there is a lot more to it.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the horror movies I might mention.
Now that that's out of the way, Darkweb and Co. presents…
How to Survive a Horror Movie
The Comprehensive Guide
First off, 10 basic tips for survival, and examples of how to use them and why not to disregard them.
Tip 1: Never follow strange lights or sounds. If you absolutely have to, bring a machete, rifle, or similar.
Example: Mary sat up straight.
"What's that noise?" she wondered. She got up from her bed, and cautiously stepped out into the hall. She looked an the direction the noise had come from.
And that's her mistake. Either stay in bed (so the murderer can come to you), or bring a weapon. She didn't, and so…
Mary screamed as the killer/demon/mutant/monster/alien/ghost/doll/puppet/scarecrow/zombie/whatever dropped down in front of her. It raised its knife/stick/scythe/claw/club/chainsaw.
Strangely enough, the killer never seems to have a gun. I believe it has something to do with proving their superiority.
It stabbed her in the chest. She twitched uselessly.
Weird, twitching helps most of the time...but that's Example 1. If Mary had had a gun, it could have worked out better for her. However, it might not have finished It off. Thus…
Tip 2: Keep on firing until they're a bloody mass of nothing.
Example: Jack fired the AK-47 into the beast's heart.
Yeah right, as if that ever works.
The beast collapsed dead. Jack did a victory dance and turned around.
No, idiot! Don't turn your back on the monster!
Suddenly, something grabbed Jack by the ankle, and he tripped. The beast was still alive! It brutally murdered him and went off.
So, Jack, what have we learned? Never look away until the monster is vapor! But enough of that. On to Tip 3.
Tip 3:Once the monster is completely annihilated, don't stop there. Burn it to ashes, seal it in a bag, burn it again, with the bag, seal the ashes in another bag, encase the whole thing in a lump of molten steel, wait for the steel to cool, then bury the whole thing 6 feet down. Then forget everything that just happened.
No explanation for this one; its pretty self-explanatory.
Tip 4: After the monster is reduced to vapor, don't celebrate with a make-out session. It usually leads to a sequel where you and your sweetheart both die. Actually, don't celebrate at all. Just go back to ysour normal lives.
Once again, an example isn't really needed.
Tip 5: Never split up. Stay in as big a group as possible.
Example: Mark, Jane, Zack, Eddie, and Louise stayed in a group, and so when the beast came to kill them, he was way outnumbered.
Unfortunately for our group, they forgot Tip 1, and were relegated to the danger level of preschoolers with popguns (i.e. they got owned).
Tip 6: Don't mess with the supernatural.
Example: Jake doubted the power of the Ouija Board, and he was eternally cursed.
This is what is known as "bad karma."
Tip 7: Listen to the cool guy. You'll survive longer.
Example: John said we should go left. Jerk-type person said right, and went right, and then he got murdered.
This is known as "The Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu effect."
And to Jerk-type: good initiative. Even if you agreed with him, he'd still be standing over your dead body in the end.
Tip 8: If your friend/relative has become possessed or zombified, shoot him/her anyways.
Example: Paul yelped in fear as his mom shambled towards him, her flesh dripping off in clumps. The gun in his hand trembled.
Shoot, you dingdong! Shoot!
Paul's mom turned Paul into a zombie. The end.
Thank goodness. I was getting bored of yelling at Paul. On to Tip 9!
Tip 9: Don't trust anyone but your close friends. And even that is questionable.
In other words, don't follow the creepy-looking guy home, even if he is munching on your arm.
Tip 10: Don't complain. It gets you killed.
Haven't you noticed the jerk always dies?
So there are ten handy tips for surviving a horror movie. But that's not all!
Now that I've gone over the basics, how about…*spins roulette* Ways to Die! In this section, I will explain ways of dying in a horror movie, and how to prevent them.
Chest Stab: The puncturing of a vital organ, usually the heart.
Prevention: Wear you dishes as armor, that's all you can do.
Decapitation: The separation of head from body.
Prevention: You know those spiky collars? Buy bulk.
Strangulation: The constriction of the neck, causing death from suffocation.
Prevention: Keep on the collars.
Smothering: The covering of the nasal and oral cavities, also causing suffocation.
Prevention: Nothing reliable. Fortunately, it doesn't happen much.
Random Bloody Mess: Pure gore.
Prevention: Sorry, buddy. You're SOL.
Next up, Power Level! This section explains the classifications of horror movie villains, so pay attention.
Level 1: How did this guy get in a horror movie? Examples: The Toilenator
Level 2: Dangerous to normal society, but mortal, can be killed Often levels up. Examples: Pre-Dream Demons Freddy Krueger, the Joker.
Level 3: Trace supernatural powers, is hard or impossible to kill. Examples: Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees.
Level 4: Significant supernatural abilities, impossible to kill normally. Examples: Freddy Krueger, Pinhead, Creeper, the Leprechaun.
Level 5: To quote Doctor Who, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." You're dead. Almost unbeatable, impossible to permanently defeat. Examples: Djinn from Wishmaster, Freddy with the Necromonicon.
And finally: How to Run Away! Now pay attention, class…
Remember, follow these steps exactly!
Step 1: Shoot enemy at least twice. If not possible then punch and kick at least five times. This stuns the enemy, giving you a head start.
Step 2: Turn away.
Step 3: Begin running.
Step 4: Watch your step.
Step 5: Don't look behind you.
Step 6: If you disregard Step 5, and there is nothing behind you, run the opposite direction, because the monster is now in front of you.
And that's the end of my guide to surviving horror movies! Now, try not to die. It makes me look bad for giving you these tips.