Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, or Twilight. :)

Edward Cullen: *peeks around corner, salivating profusely*

Bella Swan: Goddamnit Edward, you've been watching me for hours. Why won't you leave me the fuck alone? *says in monotone voice*

Edward: but Bella! You are my world!

Bella: Creeper…

*mysterious sound from bathroom, and screaming Charlie Swan*

Bella: *continues in monotone* I hate you all. I'm going to go write depressing poetry and slit my wrists. *slams bedroom door*

*mysterious, short, blond person in long red jacket and white gloves tumbles out of bathroom*

Ed Elric: Oh geez, sorry mister.

*door slams*

Ed: *looks up and notices Edward staring at him* AH! *Claps hands and puts them on the floor*

*nothing happens*

Ed: *claps and tries again*

*nothing happens*

Edward: Umm, excuse me mister short guy *pokes* I wa-

Ed: AHHHHHH WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A MICRO-SIZED HALF-PINT WHO DIDN'T GROW UP BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DRINK MILK?!?!! *is suddenly, magically in the air flailing arms wildly*

Edward: ……………Who the hell are you?

Ed: *is completely shocked* I'm Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist you dumbass, and you better remember it!

Edward: Why the hell would I remember you shorty?

Ed: Oh, It's on!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rips off jacket and tackles Edward to the ground*

*both fall through the door to Bella's room*

Bella: *hides razorblade under pillow*

*Ed & Edward wrestle around on the floor, destroying everything in their path*

Bella: *monotone* Edward.

Ed & Edward: *look up* what?

Charlie: *flushes toilet and goes to Bella's room* Bella, I thought I told you two not to do that in the house, and with a child in the house! Remember what happened last time? I still haven't been able to fix that hole in the- *pauses in the doorway, sees Edward and Ed on the floor, tangled up together, promptly turns around and leaves the room*

Bella: Oh no, *monotone* now look what you have done Edward, Charlie thinks you're gay. *leaves room*

Edward & Ed: *continue fighting, completely destroy Bella's bedroom*

Edward: *casually pushes Ed off* This is boring.

Ed: *tired and angry* What the hell! Why won't you die!

*sunlight suddenly streams through the window, shining only on Edward, who sparkles femininely*

Edward: Cause I'm a vampire, and ants can't kill vampires.

Ed: *pulls out shiny katana and crouches into a very ninja-like position* BRING IT BITCHCH!

Ed & Edward: *run at each other screaming savagely*

Ed: *slices off Edward's head, mysteriously gets his alchemy back and explodes Edward Cullen* And that's why you don't mess with the… *strikes a dramatic pose* Fullmetal Alchemist!

Roy: *pushes Ed out the window*

Ed: HEY!!! That was completely uncalled for!

Roy: *snaps fingers and sets the house on fire*

Bella: well shit…

Roy: *pulls Ed up into a piggyback and runs away into the sunset*