Petticoats & Roses

Dear Reader,

You have undeniably chosen to read this work of fiction because your interest has been sparked by the summary, or perhaps your friend has recommended it to you. Let me thank you for that, because it does make me feel so much better to see that people are reading this. But this is not an ordinary literary work. For you see, I am not an ordinary author. Actually, I am not a person at all. In reality, I am a dusty old book that normally sits on the anonymous shelf in the Library of Congress. I don't even have a name; everyone just calls me "THE BOOK". If you think of a suitable name for me, please tell me; I'm quite tired of being called "THE BOOK".

Back to the reason you are reading this lengthy author's note in the first place. Let me explain that everything that happens in this story has happened to me. I really was captured and used for nefarious purposes by one Dreamcatcher, and rescued by the Teen Titans, minus two. I was kept in the Titans' Tower for almost a year until my story ended. For that is my purpose; I was created to write stories. Once the tale came to a close, I was sent off to the Library of Congress, where an unsuspecting fan fiction writer checked me out. As for Band Geek Letter 1, please do NOT tell her I am using her account to make my chronicle known to the world. She'd probably return me to the library immediately, and then you poor fan fiction lovers would be without your story. So let's just keep this our little secret, shall we?

Even though I myself play a role in this little tale, I have written it in the third person as well; it seems easiest to me. Now, this author's note is getting to be dreadfully long, so I think I'll just end it here.

Sincerely,

THE BOOK

Petticoats & Roses

By THE BOOK

Part the First

Dreamcatcher Visits a Convention

The Dreamcatcher, though one of the world's lesser known nefarious villains, was in no way less malicious than the rest. She intended to conquer the world just as much as the next guy. Despite her harmless appearance, she was malevolent down to her evil bones. The Dreamcatcher wore a spandex suit of ebony and crimson (to signify her evil nature) with the image of a sleeping child caught in a net emblazoned on her chest. She had no powers of her own, only ambition. While she wanted to take over the universe, she needed something to help her. Her only other recourse was to fall into a vat of toxic waste, and she wouldn't even think of damaging her precious hair.

(Dreamcatcher spent hours obsessing over her hair. You wouldn't believe how many hours she spent in the bathroom before going out for a super fight. Every new fight involved a new hairdo. She tried curls, layers, waves, straighteners, special blow dryers, and even the beehive. That woman needed a life. And that's coming from a book that's sitting next to this computer using its telekinesis to type this sentence.)

So the Dreamcatcher turned to the Black Market for Evil Supervillains Bent on Destroying the Planet. B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P.. for short. At first, Dreamcatcher was quite disappointed by the lack of suitable merchandise offered by B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P.. She sampled everything. She looked on all the bids of E(vil)-bay. She checked in the B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P..'s retail chain. (You can probably find it in your local mall. I believe they disguise it as a bridal shop, BRIDES-R-US. You walk up to the front counter and ask for a flower girl dress, size 7 ½. The clerk informs you that they don't have any in the front, and tells you to follow her to the back. Et voila! You're in the inner sanctum of B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P..'s retail operation.) She visited the B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P.. Flea Market (where they even sell fleas. Not ordinary ones, though. Evil fleas.) Dreamcatcher failed to find anything in this country that would suit her criminal needs.

Thus, the Dreamcatcher turned her search to other countries' B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P..s. She visited Austria, Zimbabwe, China, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Chile, Berenia (the known originator of all B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P.. evil), and some other little-known countries. But nothing caught her attention. She'd traveled all around the world, but could find nothing with which to destroy it. Consequently, she repeated herself. She went back to all the B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P.. locations she could remember. And suddenly, while attending a B.M.F.E.S.B.O.D.T.P.. convention in Berenia, she came upon it.

"It's beautiful… in the evil-take-over-the-world sense. What is it?"

It happened to be a thick cobalt book with gilded edges, around five hundred pages or so. Even though the book looked particularly old, ever single one of its five hundred pages were blank. There was absolutely nothing written anywhere on its leaves. It was because of its spellbinding exterior and mysterious interior that she interrogated the questionable booth keeper. His reply was enough to contain a whole textbook about the history of this volume, but for the sake of saving you a lot of dry reading I shall sum it up.

"This… is… THE BOOK!" (Yes. Dramatic pauses and everything. He even had some ominous music playing in the background during his explanation with the occasional clap of thunder. I was, quite flattered, to be treated in such a manner, but I want you to understand, I am by no means evil. I'm just a book. If I were evil, I would have taken over the world already.)

"Well, I can see that. It's clearly a book," Dreamcatcher replied.

"Not just a book, THE BOOK." He turned it dramatically so she could see the gold lettering on the spine. "I got it from my friend in Budapest, who got it from a nemesis in Toledo, who got it from a shifty bookstore owner in Milan, who got from a suspicious caravan leader in Cairo, who in turn got it from a deceitful merchant in Transylvania…"

It was at this point that Dreamcatcher interrupted him.

"Is this speech going to end anytime soon?"

"Don't worry, I'm almost there. Where was I?"

"The deceitful merchant in Transylvania."

"Oh, right. The deceitful merchant in Transylvania got it from an untrustworthy thief in Florin. The thief claims he pinched it from the Library of King Bladorstaff the II. If that's true, this book has the same appearance and texture as THE BOOK. Legend has it that THE BOOK was the same book that Count Rugen intended to write the definitive book on pain in, but he never got the chance, seeing as he was brutally murdered by Inigo Montoya."

"No way!" Dreamcatcher exclaimed, interest piqued. "Count Rugen is my favorite villain of the eighteenth century!"

"Wait, there's more. In his will, Count Rugen bequeathed THE BOOK to Prince Humperdinck."

"This keeps getting better and better! Prince Humperdinck inspired me to take up villainy."

"How interesting," the booth-keeper continued. "King Humperdinck the Tyrant had it enchanted by an evil wizard to create new bedtime stories for himself every night. The wizard botched the spell so now it has the power to bend reality."

"Perfect." She rubbed her hands together. "How much?"

"$10,000."

Even though, that was how much money she had left in the world (her extensive travels had cost her much of the meager income she had made working as the receptionist at a hair salon), she bought THE BOOK anyways. Later that night, a penniless Dreamcatcher robbed a bank and got off Scot-free.

And so it was that a now prosperous Dreamcatcher returned to the States to wreak her peculiar brand of havoc on the world with the help of THE(unwilling) BOOK.