TITLE: Break Me Down 1-4 / 100
AUTHOR: crazyevildru
LENGTH: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting
RATING: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M
DISCLAIMER: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.
SUMMARY: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.
Cross posted: mscl, msclfanfic,
THANKS: to anyone who reads this!

-Break Me Down-
Ch. 1 thru 4 of 100

1

Were you ever half asleep in class and suddenly felt like you were being watched? I feel that way constantly. It's like I'm being watched all the time. It doesn't stop me from being half asleep in class, but it's just a creepy feeling.

Jordan Catalano sinks down into the chair a bit more, hoping he won't be called on. He fucking hates being called on since he usually doesn't know answers to anything. If only there was a way he could pass his classes without reading or writing. But being held back two years has proven that an impossibility.

That's why he doesn't go to class all that often. Instead, he prefers to drive around or smoke. It isn't as if he doesn't know some of the material, having sat in the classes more his first year. He's sure he knows enough to pass, if the tests would actually make any amount of sense.

He looks around at his fellow classmates as they all write things down in their notebooks. He glances down at his desk and sees his drawings from the last time he sat there are still present, unscathed. He smiles to himself. He should have brought a pencil.

He notices that one curly haired kid glances at him, which he does sometimes. He wonders why the kid is so curious about him. He bites his thumb a bit and looks at the clock on the wall. He's almost suffered through another class. One more and he'll have fulfilled his self-inflicted two classes per day quota.

The bell rings and he gets up and darts out the door quickly.

"Catalano!" he turns toward his friends as they come down the stairs and head to their lockers.

"Wanna get out of here?" he asks, bored already of everything.

"I thought I'd attempt algebra for shits and giggles," Shane laughs a bit. "Maybe I won't suck that much this week. Maybe this will be the week I get it." He crosses his fingers sarcastically and laughs again as Jordan leans back against the wall of lockers. "Where are you going?"

Jordan shrugs as he notices that curly haired kid walking down the hall.

If I could just be like him and actually know the answers and be able to like… say them in some sort of smart way, my life would be so easy.

He watches the kid pass by them and tunes out his friends for a minute. He notices that kid staring across the hallway and follows his gaze to a locker down the hall toward that weird kid, Graff and some girl with red hair.

"Is that girl new?" he asks and points toward her.

"Who?" Shane curiously turns toward where Jordan is looking. "Her? I don't think so. Haven't heard about a new girl."

"Who?" Kevin asks and turns as well. "Her? Fuck no. That's that squeaky girl that used to hang with that girl that goes out with Vinnovich. I forget her name. Why?"

"How the fuck do you know all this shit?" Shane laughs and shoves Kevin out into the hallway where he trips and they all laugh.

"I can't help it if my girlfriend knows shit."

"You don't have a girlfriend," Jordan sighs.

Kevin is dumb enough to think that just because he fucks some girl a couple times a week that it means she's his girlfriend, when we all know Nancy also does like… two guys from the football team.

"Well Nancy tells me shit if I finger her before we fuck," Kevin shrugs. "Girls know shit about each other. I'm telling you, it's helpful to know shit, like who's fighting with who. It's this huge soap opera of drama. Like Vinnovich's girlfriend and that squeaky girl used to be best friends and now she hangs with Graff."

I keep trying to remember that squeaky girl's name but I can't. I guess she's just Squeaky Girl.

Shane watches Jordan watching the squeaky girl and he wonders why. He's never seen Jordan really look at any girl with any interest, other than an immediate one. "Do you like… what? You wanna fuck her or something?"

"Huh?" Jordan asks suddenly, turning away from the three down the hallway. "No," he denies quickly. "I was just wondering. I didn't think I'd seen her before."

"So you leaving?" Shane asks him.

"I don't know," Jordan shrugs. He really doesn't have a lot of money for gas and his car is low. He can usually get his friends to chip in if they go somewhere together, but if they weren't going…

"Hey, Jordan," Cynthia smiles as she walks up to him.

"Hey," he nods as she steps a bit closer to him. He closes his eyes as her hand rubs his dick skillfully.

"Boiler room?" she whispers.

"Boiler room," he nods. "Five minutes."

"Guess you don't have a girlfriend either?" Kevin teases and punches Jordan's arm.

"We fuck," he shrugs.

Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean she's your girlfriend. It doesn't mean you share anything other than a few sweaty minutes in the backseat, or in this case the boiler room.

He watches as she walks away and he turns back to his friends. "Guess I'm staying in school," he laughs as he heads off to the boiler room, thinking it's convenient that the school provides a private place for them to go.

Have you ever wondered why you do something? Or someone? I mean Cynthia is okay and she doesn't care what we do, but… she's common.

I keep thinking that one day I'll be able to have like… a girl that's not common. Or at least one that holds my interest longer than it takes to come. But I guess a girl like that, an uncommon girl, a real girl isn't interested in someone like me, someone who can't even fucking-

"Hey," Cynthia whispers as she pushes him against the wall and her mouth attacks his quickly, her hands pulling his pants down. "I'm so horny, you have no idea," she tells him.

Oh well… this is pretty nice.

2

Have you ever stared at a girl and been like… is this all I'm worth?

I guess I'm just getting tired of this shit. I mean… I could never like…

"This was fun," Cynthia smiles as she pulls her panties on. "Always is with you, Jordan."

"Yeah," he nods. "And it's way better than English."

He watches her pull her pants back up and straighten out her shirt and figures he should do the same. He wonders if he's missed English completely. If he has, that means he has to go to history instead, either class isn't particularly fun.

"So you going to Tino's party tonight?"

"Huh? Probably. He is my friend," he shrugs. He hates making plans. He hates feeling the need to be in one place at one particular time for a particular event.

"Maybe we could go together," she suggests, eyeing him carefully since she's been trying to hook Catalano for a few months. She was thrilled when he drove her home one night and they ended up in a parking lot on the hood of his car.

Does she seriously think that like… we'd go together? That I'd like… what? Pick her up and drive her? And leave with her? She must be crazy. Everyone knows I don't do girlfriends. And certainly not a girl like her. Girls like her are a dime a dozen and are completely willing to screw anything with a car or a cute smile. I know she fucked Tino's cousin at the last party he threw.

"I'll uh… think on it, or whatever."

She just stares at him. "That's it? You'll think on it or whatever? You fuck me but you won't drive me to a party?"

This is why I don't do girlfriends: they're too fucking complicated. They think they're like… entitled or something.

"Yeah," he nods. "I gotta go to English," he says and darts up the stairs quickly, grateful he escapes unscathed and uncommitted to anything other than a visit to the boiler room.

He walks in and everyone turns to stare at him for a moment, but the teacher says nothing.

They're used to saying nothing, as if they know how lucky they are that I decided to show up. That's funny, as if anyone is lucky that I show up…

"Anne Frank perished in a concentration camp. Anne Frank is a tragic figure."

I really think these things are like… amazing. Tic tacs. I need the taste of Cynthia out of my mouth.

"How could Anne Frank be lucky?" she asks someone and he's happy it's not him since she sounds annoyed.

"I don't know." He glances around the teacher to see who's talking and notices it's the squeaky girl. "'Cause she was trapped in an attic for three years with this guy she really liked?" She turns to glance at her friend and he notices how she tucks her hair behind her ear when it's already behind her ear.

I wonder if I have any things I do that don't make any sense. Why would she tuck her hair behind her ears again? Like… like she can do it better or something? And why do I give a shit?

He puts his head down on the desk to close his eyes for a bit. He only barely pays attention to anything since he's heard all about this book before and might be able to explain it fairly well if forced to do so, if he could find the words.

It's like… have you ever felt like you would have all these like… insightful things to say if you could ever get out a real thought? If you were ever allowed to have a real thought that was all your own?

"Jordan?"

"Huh?" he asks as he raises his head.

"What do you see as one of the central themes?" The teacher asks.

He knows he knows this.

Themes of Anne Frank. They talked about this last year that one day like how it shows like… hope or- no. That's wrong. It shows… like how unfair stuff was or-

She sighs and turns away from him. "Brian?"

He shrugs and puts his head down.

Maybe next time.

The bell rings a few minutes later and he takes another glance at the squeaky girl, still not remembering her name, as if it matters to him one way or the other.

Maybe I just think she seems like… nice. Too nice to be hanging out with Graff. Does she know that Graff drinks like a fish? Does she drink? She doesn't seem like the type. She seems like one of those like… perfect girls who would never dream of doing anything wrong. She's probably die if she ever got caught doing something wrong, like skipping class or drinking or smoking. She'd never be down in the boiler room during class.

She's definitely not common.

"Yo, Catalano, I think I'm getting those speakers we were looking at," Shane says as he shoves Jordan down the hallway. "That means we can practice this weekend."

"Oh? Cool," Jordan nods. "We still need a space though."

"Kevin thinks he found us one. He's gonna check it out tomorrow."

"Here, stop. I need a drink and we have to figure out what we're doing this weekend. We can't practice all weekend and I heard there's this thing at Let's Bolt… sounds promising. I bet Cynthia will be there and-"

"That's over. I can't… she wants me to drive her to Tino's like we're some sort of a thing or whatever."

"That's what girls do. They like… rope you in bein' all sexy and seductive. They get you where they want you and then…"

Sometimes listening to Shane for any kind of advice on anything is hilarious. He talks like he knows something about girls and having a girlfriend when the longest relationship he's ever had with one was a girl that wanted to fuck twice before shoving him out of her bedroom.

"… grab you by the balls, I'm telling you. That's probably the only reason she even talked to you today, to get you to take her. But at least she puts out, so that's not a total loss."

"But why should I take her when I've already like… had her?"

"You're cold, Man. Ice Cold Catalano, that's what we'll call you. In, out and over, that's you."

That's not me. I mean… that's how people see me, I guess. But it's not like… who I am. It's like… that's how I'm expected to be. I did some stupid shit like this back in eighth grade or whatever and attracted these friends and now it's who I am. I'm supposed to like… get girls numbers and fuck them and run because… because I can? Because I'm Jordan Catalano?

I don't get what that's about. I don't get why this is just acceptable.

And then I'll see Cynthia walk by or some other skank that follows us around and it just sort of… is unimportant because what girls are we going to attract other than these ones?

"Whatever," Jordan shrugs as he glances down the hallway and sees the squeaky girl exiting the English room.

Did she get asked to stay after? It's not like she does anything wrong, so why would she have to?

She looks so…

"Yo, Jordan!"

"What?" he snaps at Shane.

"Where are you today? It's like you're not even listening sometimes. I said that I was going to Tino's early to set up the kegs. Are you coming?"

"Oh, maybe. I don't know," Jordan shrugs and watches her walk down the hallway.

"You do wanna fuck her, don't you?" Shane asks again, noticing how Jordan watches her.

"No," he says quickly. "I just think she's… weird. Like… who wants hair that red?"

"Well she'll probably be there since Graff will be and they're like… joined at the hip now, according to Kevin."

A girl like her? At Tino's? That hardly seems right.

If she knew what was good for her, she'd stay home and read a book or whatever.

3

This party basically blows. Tino's parties are usually a good time, or maybe I'm just not in a real party mood. Either way, I don't get to watch MTV at home, so I don't mind sitting here and catching up on some shit.

What would I do out there anyway? Sit and drink and let Cynthia follow me around?

I can sit in here and drink and not have her chasing me around like an idiot.

I just don't wanna like… be around people tonight. Is that such a crime?

He hears the door open and turns to see her- the squeaky girl.

Guess she came after all and she's like… covered in mud. Bet she's really glad she came. She looks… nervous? Terrified? I don't know, one or the other I guess.

I should like… offer her a ride home or something, if I hadn't promised Shane and Kevin the same thing.

I should say something, but what could I possibly say to her? Nice dress? When she knows it's not. Nice hair? That's not an opening you'd say to a girl like her and why do I care?

I don't.

He turns from her as she tries to leave, but the doors are locked so no one can trash the house, which he knows is what Tino always does.

He watches out of the corner of his eye as she sits on a chair awkwardly and he knows he has to say something to her now because otherwise, he'd seem like a jerk and for some reason that he can't explain, he doesn't want her thinking he's a jerk.

"This… doesn't seem like a Friday."

This doesn't seem like a Friday? What the fuck is that?! That's the most retarded thing to say ever since it's not even-

"It's Thursday," she says confidentially.

"Oh."

Oh. Of course OH! Why does my brain never work the way I want it to? Why can't it ever find the words I want when I want them? Why can't it ever just tell Cynthia to leave me alone because I've gotten all I want from her? Why can't it just answer some fucking questions in school so I don't look like I'm a completely moron?

"Are you sure?"

Once again? It fails me.

"Well, yesterday was Wednesday, so..."

"Oh... right."

"So, that's how I know."

I love how she looks like she just made a complete idiot out of herself when I was the one who asked the dumbest fucking question. What am I supposed to say now? She's sitting there looking all… pretty and cute and- what? No. I mean-

"Jordan, this bites. Let's go over to Grunden's."

Thank god for Kevin. Two more seconds in there and I'd have probably done something completely stupid, like… try and talk with her.

He gets up and walks by her and notices how green her eyes look as they follow him inadvertently.

And for the rest of the night, he keeps thinking about those eyes.

4

"So tomorrow afternoon, we should be in at the loft. It'll be better than my garage since my dad won't kick us out and we'll be able to leave things set up."

"Yeah, but is it secure, Kev?"

"For the most part. I mean… Tino's uncle owns the dive below it, so… there's a lock and shit and once you see the bar, you'll see no one would go looking for anything expensive there."

"Sounds good," Shane nods and they both look at Jordan, who's leaning against the wall near them, staring down the hall, biting his thumb. "Doesn't that, Jordan? You're good to drive the getaway car?"

"Huh? Yeah," their friend nods absently.

"And it's okay if we fuck your sister when she turns eighteen, right?"

"Yeah," he nods again. "Wait, what about my sister?" Jordan turns his head quickly and glares at them. "What do you wanna do to my baby sister?"

"Nothing, Man, where's your head today?"

"Just thinking," Jordan shrugs. "So do we have a new place to practice?"

"Yes! At the loft! Tino's uncle's loft!" Kevin nearly yells and shoves Jordan into a pack of cheerleaders who giggle as he bumps into them and almost falls.

"Kevin!" They all turn to see Kevin's quasi-girlfriend walking down the hall toward them. "You didn't call me yesterday when you said you would."

"I'm sorry, Nanc," he says, slipping an arm around her.

And Shane doesn't rag on him for this? If it were me, he would. If it were me, he'd- oh there she is. The way she walks down the hall behind Graff and that weird kid is just… she's so shy. I guess that's the word. How can she be that shy and yet still want to hang with Graff and show up at Tino's party?

She stands beside them as they all talk and she tucks her behind her ears again and-

"Nancy, who's that?" he asks as he watches the three of them talking at their lockers.

"Who? Her? The girl with the red hair? Angela."

"Is that her name? Angela?" Jordan wonders.

"Yeah, Angela Chase. She used to hang out with Sharon Cherski and all of a sudden, she's with Graff and Rickie. But yeah, that's Angela. Why?"

"Because Ice Cold Catalano would rather take a shower in her than in cold water," Shane laughs

"What? No I wouldn't. I just- she like… we talked for a second last night at the party and I just wondered who she was."

"Well yeah, her name is Angela and she's way out of your league, Jordan, so don't even go there. She's like… totally a no sex before marriage kinda girl."

Uncommon. That's what kind of girl she is. Angela. It suits her, I guess. She wouldn't have some kind of whorish name like Nancy or Jennifer or Cynthia.

Angela Chase.

"I'm not interested in her. I just wondered and if she's hanging with Graff and Graff hangs out with Tino and we hang out with Tino, maybe I should just know her name in case it comes up or whatever."

"Riiight, in case it comes up," Shane laughs gently.

"Somethin' is up, that's for sure," Kevin says and pushes Jordan lightly.

"No," he denies. "It's just in case it just-"

"Because Tino is so likely to ask us about the friend of a girl he fools around with occasionally, right? Just admit it, you're into her," Shane says, staring at his friend.

I am not interested in her.

I'm not.

She is out of my league. She's smart. I mean… she can answer questions when she gets called on, right? And if she hung out with that Sharon girl and that crowd, that means she like… cares about school and shit. It means she can probably r-

"You wanna fuck her, it's not big deal," Kevin interrupts his thoughts.

"No," Jordan shakes his head. "We just talked for like… a minute, less than. I do like to know the names of people I talk to."

"Whatever," Kevin and Shane both say at the same time.

"So we doing something tonight, Kev?" Nancy asks.

I'm not into her.

I just… think she has nice eyes. She's obviously a sweet person since she didn't call me stupid or anything for asking what day it was. Besides, if what Nancy says is right, she is really nice and probably goes to church or something on Sundays. She's probably one of those like… drone type girls who's like… completely fake and put on and-

"I think we're going to Let's Bolt tonight, Nanc. It's a guy thing. So… but I'll call you this weekend?"

"You better, Kevin. It's not like I don't have other offers."

They watch her walk away, down past Angela and her friends and Jordan uses it as a small excuse to steal another glance at her.

Look at her though. That's not what the no sex before marriage crowd wears. I mean… flannel? Really? That's not what that type usually looks like. So like… what is she like?

Angela.

To Be Continued