What if? The Purgatory of Lily

Missing Moments 8 (Chapter 8)

Masks

Author's Note: In order to understand this short story, it is preferable to have read the eighth chapter of my fic 'What if, the Purgatory of Lily'. However, to those who haven't, here is a quick summary of the time-line from that chapter: instead of Lily choosing Peter Pettigrew to be the Secret-Keeper of the Potters, she chose to keep it as Sirius. Eventually, Peter kidnapped Harry, only to be stopped and slain by Severus. This led to reconciliation between Lily, James and Severus. The pairing for Severus is SSHG in this chapter, so be warned.

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.

'OK, I think that the dress looks good on me. Not that it wouldn't look any different from when I tried it before, but still... At least I can be sure...' mused the brunette as she looked at herself critically in the mirror. The white dress framed her body beautifully, making her appear 'ageless', or at least that's what it was advertised to do. She knew it achieved something, because Harry's dad had stated (with a wolf-whistle) that he envied Severus. This comment had elicited a teasing addendum from Sirius concerning the matter of James Potter stealing all of Snape's girls.

After that remark of course, Sirius was very much in the dog-house with everyone there; while Sirius was commonly excused for his innate lack of tact, no one could condone the brash manner he had of bringing up the past in this case. It was still a sore spot for everyone involved.

Mentally discarding the memory, Hermione swallowed as she stared at what she perceived to be a bushy-haired, buck-toothed reflection. Severus couldn't come see her of course, him being the groom and all, but she would have very much liked to have his support right now. Generally, she didn't care about how she looked, but this was her wedding day and she wanted to look nice, at least this one time...

"Hello, Hermione, dear, do you think you're ready for today?" Lily Evans Potter's warm voice gently floated into the room, like a lotus leaf set free on the surface of a lazy golden pond. Hermione resisted the urge to turn; seeing Severus' beautiful former love would not quiet her own self-doubts. Even though the woman was in her forties now, she had aged with the utmost grace, having accumulated only laugh-lines (no ugly wrinkles), a few white strands of hair (no change in perfect texture or overall brilliant color), and the softest padding to her slim waist (no ungainly weight from childbirth or stress).

"I don't know, Mrs. Potter... I look like a frump," said Hermione, passing heavy fingers over the frown-furrows on her own brow (which came from squinting and poring over books), the bushy and unmanageable hair (something for which she had no excuse except heredity), and the distinct bulge of her stomach (she liked food but had a sedentary lifestyle). Fighting for some dignity by confiding to the woman she'd always held as a measuring stick to gauge how close she came to the 'perfect' woman for Severus, she whinged, "I mean, Severus told me he doesn't want me to use Sleakeazy's this time; apparently, he has allergies and it gets his tongue itchy, as well as his-" Hermione suddenly went pink as she realized what she was implying to Severus' best friend, and Harry's mother. "Uh, forget I said anything!"

Lily laughed, an almost musical-sounding laugh that Hermione wished oh-so-much that she could copy. Sounding amused, she wagged her finger as she spoke, "Don't worry, dear; I'm pretty sure I know how honeymoons go. I am married, you know... And you don't look like a frump at all! In fact, how did Severus put it..." She pursed her lips for a moment, before nodding. "That's it... 'She's like an Amazon queen, my Hermione is'."

"Did he really say that?" Hermione asked unsurely, feeling her face warm even more, this time with pleasure. "Did Severus really say that?" She didn't know quite how her horsey face, incorrigible hair, or plumpness could make her an Amazon Queen.

"Yes he most certainly did, Hermione, so put any thoughts of the sort right out of your head. You look positively radiant. However..." Lily's smile faded slightly, her face growing rather menacing as she did so. "That is not what I am here to talk to you about. There is something more delicate that the two of us need to discuss."

Hermione nodded, turning to look the other woman in the eye for the first time in the conversation.

For several minutes, there was silence; Hermione started to wonder if Lily intended to say anything at all, perhaps missing her nod, when the woman finally spoke. "This is something that must be discussed woman-to-woman, Hermione, so I would appreciate your honesty in this." Hermione nodded again, and Lily asked bluntly, "Are you getting tired of Severus, perhaps bored of him?"

Hermione's eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together, but with politeness she managed to keep the anger out of her voice. "No, I am not even remotely bored of Severus, nor am I tired of him." Her voice then turned a touch darker as she asked coldly, "Might I ask you why you are asking me such a question, on my wedding day!?'

Lily crossed her arms and sat in one of the nearby chairs, giving Hermione a rather pointed look. "We all remember what happened between you and Mr. Weasley, Hermione. I want you to be absolutely certain-"

"How dare you!?" hissed Hermione, her face contorting with anger as she glared right into the other woman's eyes. "How dare you ask me such a question!? ON MY WEDDING DAY!" Breaking off, Hermione breathed deeply for several seconds, before looking unflinchingly at the red-haired woman beside her. "I've spent years being punished for that already; do you need to bring this up now?"

Lily responded to the glare in kind, but took a deep breath, calming herself down. In an impatient tone of voice, she then growled out, "Hermione...I'm not asking this of you on a whim. This is very important-"

"Then explain," said Hermione heatedly, eyes flashing in her fury. "Explain and be bloody quick about it!"

For several moments, the two women locked gazes, whereupon Lily shook her head and asked quietly, "Hermione, what do you think would happen if you cheated on Severus, just like you did with Mr. Weasley?"

"I have no inten-"

"Answer the question, Hermione." said Lily coolly, her emerald eyes seeming to spark. "It's an important one. How would Severus respond?"

Hermione sighed, counted to twenty, then said indifferently, "If, and I'm not saying that I ever would, but if I betrayed Severus in such a manner and he found out, then he would probably give up and divorce me. He's generally not a forgiving man, not after his hard life. As such, if I were to cheat on him, that would be the end of it. He'd never forgive me, whatever I said." She then glared at the other woman once more, resisting her urge to grind one of her pretty white high-heels into the carpet beneath her.. "Does that answer your question?"

There was another pause, then Lily replied quietly, "Hermione, you're probably right...but at the same time, you've forgotten something about Severus. You have only seen the end result of his life, not how he came to that point. He..." Lily swallowed, seeming to shrink into herself as she whispered, voice weak, "He's a lot weaker than he appears, more fragile... It could very well destroy him...and I'm not going to let that happen again." Her face snapped up as her emerald eyes hardened until they resembled the gemstones they were named for. "I'm never going to let that happen again, not thanks to you, me or anyone."

Hermione took another deep breath and spoke slowly, enunciating every syllable. She fought to keep the emotion out of her voice, feeling betrayed that Severus' best friend apparently thought so little of her."Mrs. Potter, I have absolutely no intention of betraying Severus in such a way, ever. I know that I made a mistake when I was with Ron, but I've paid for my error; I'll never be welcome at the Burrow again, not really, and half my friends won't speak to me anymore. Even if that weren't the case though, I wouldn't let something like that happen, I wouldn't." She then lost the battle against tears, and her voice choked up. "I...I love him."

Lily looked away, a single tear running down her left cheek. "Just because you love him doesn't mean you cannot hurt him." She coughed once, then continued in a stronger tone of voice, "I know you Hermione; you've been part of the lives of my friends and families since practically the first few weeks of Hogwarts...you always try so desperately to make everyone happy...even at the cost of yourself. That's the problem."

Hermione glared back at the other woman, anger starting to build once more. "The...the problem?" It didn't make sense; why would her tendency to self-sacrifice--and Hermione certainly was self-aware enough to know she had one--be a problem?

"Yes," said Lily with a single sad shake of the head. "The problem; you take every burden upon yourself, again and again until you finally cannot take anymore...then you erupt, in anger or worse. It happened with Ronald, when you self-destructed by making out with Seamus. You let everyone's expectations rule your life until you just couldn't take it anymore, trying so hard to make them happy...then you exploded. You didn't even like Seamus much, from what I recall, yet you were willing to cheat on Ronald with him so that you could find some way out of your own suffering..." Lily no longer had any anger on her face at all, only a pitying sort of understanding as she looked at Hermione's unmoving form, her voice pleading the younger woman. "So if you have any doubts about this, if you feel pressured at all by our expectations. Leave Severus now. He'll be hurt...but it will be nothing compared to what he would feel if you do to him what you did to Ronald."

Hermione stood there, head now bowed, hands clenched so tightly into fists that her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands, making them bleed. Slowly, she lifted her head, looking Lily squarely in the eyes, chin held high. In a quiet voice, she spoke angry words, mitigated only by a frigid politeness that it was clear she did not feel.

"Mrs. Potter, I believed that you thought better of me than that. I chose Severus because he helped me when I least expected it, because he gave me courage to be someone I wanted to be, and because he makes my mind come to life whenever I am around him, buzzing like one of those Muggle PCs as it links up to something greater..." Her eyes blazed as she jabbed a finger at the door. "So if you think that I would betray him for anything...leave now."

Lily backed up slowly, eyes wide. Nodding, the older woman started to walk to the door Hermione pointed at firmly. Then she stopped, halfway through the door. Turning back, she spoke quietly, "I apologize, Hermione, I was just...I hurt him so much, I didn't want to see it happen again. I didn't mean to...I'm sorry."

Hermione then watched as the red-haired woman shut the door gingerly behind her, before turning back to her mirror with a grimace. Lily had been one of her primary supporters when she and Severus got together. It hurt that she apparently didn't trust her either.

At least one thing good came of the confrontation though: as a result Lily's unwanted insinuations, Hermione was far too angry to be worried about her appearance anymore.