Winter-Rae: There are traces of Noah/Eva/Justin in this one and I still own nothing! Enjoy!

THE USER'S GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR

NOAH

Copyright Wawanakwa Ltd.

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of a NOAH unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your sarcastic and cynical bookworm please follow the instructions below.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

NAME: Noah; sometimes also referred to as 'Noah-it-all.'

TYPE: Human (male)

MANUFACTURES: Wawanakwa Ltd.

HEIGHT: 5'6

WEIGHT: Roughly 123 lbs

LENGTH: Ahem...Satisfaction guaranteed

COLOUR: brown hair and black eyes

ACCESSORIES:

Your NOAH unit comes complete with an accessory pack which should provide you with hours of mutual enjoyment. Units arrive fully dressed in shorts, a white long sleeved shirt, a teal short sleeved shirt and a red sweater vest via wooden box. Also included are a book and a library card for many hours of reading enjoyment.

Upon receiving your NOAH it is strongly recommended that you immediately remove his clothes, take away his book and then put him into a nice bubble bath. This will keep his moving parts in good condition and fully functional. As your NOAH has recently been tripped by the EVA unit you may have to climb in with him to ensure that all parts of him are adequately lathered. This procedure should be repeated as needed to ensure that his moving parts are kept well-lubricated and in fine working condition.

NOTE: Committed NOAH owners should ensure that their significant others are out or have other plans before doing this. Wawanakwa Ltd is not held responsible for any heart breaking breakups or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of a jealous significant other.

For international buyers, Wawanakwa Ltd. accepts no liability for getting your unit through customs

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Your NOAH unit has been designed to be user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated and he will respond to instructions in English. You may also choose to teach him commands in other languages. Since he is very intelligent picking up other languages will be no trouble to his memory banks.

Aside from being both cynical and utterly cute when wet, your NOAH unit has many other uses.

Snappy Comebacks: Your NOAH unit is a professional when it comes to leaving your enemies speechless. If they are insulting you, activate this feature and your NOAH will make sure they know it's all downhill from here for them.

Spooning: A brand new feature for the NOAH units. When in bed he will hold you close and try to kiss your ear. If ear kissing is not something you enjoy simply place a CODY unit in your place, WITHOUT activating the SLASH mode. This will stop the ear kissing but might also ruin the spooning feature. Do this at your own risk, you might just have to get used to the ear kissing.

Bedtime Story Teller: Your NOAH unit has an extended memory when it comes to books. Therefore he is a very good story teller. Just don't expect him to tell you more than one, it's too much work.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:

You will find that your NOAH unit is compatible with most of the other TDI units. Especially the IZZY and EVA units and also the CODY unit; but only if the SLASH mode is activated. (Other activities with the CODY unit are not discussed in this manual.) It is recommender to keep your NOAH away from your JUSTIN unit as well since this will activate the NOAH's 'ANTI-ME' Mode. As of yet there is no remedy for this mode and your NOAH will be very bitter.

CLEANING:

Hand washing of the unit is both recommended and enjoyable for the owner. After showering, dry your NOAH by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.

PRECAUTIONS:

Do not expose your NOAH unit to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, sports equipment, more specifically dodge balls.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: Why does my NOAH unit insist on running around and screaming with no pants on? I mean he's cute when he does it, but people are starting to talk.

A: Has your NOAH unit been in contact with a DUNCAN unit recently? If so, he has no doubt been using some of his snappy comebacks on him and the DUNCAN unit has stolen his pants. If so, you're out of luck, you'll have to buy your NOAH some new pants.

Q: I put my NOAH unit in a room with my CODY unit but all they do is scream and run away at the sight of each other, why won't they fulfil my fangirlish fantasies?

A: Have you activated the SLASH mode on your NOAH and CODY units? If not then they will continue to scream and run in fear of each other.

Q: Why does my NOAH unit encourage me to work out all of the time?

A: Your NOAH unit has no doubt come into contact with an EVA unit and thus has unlocked his IRON WOMAN mode. Some of the NOAH units have been proven to like girls who can break them in half, just make sure a JUSTIN unit doesn't try to charm the EVA unit. Otherwise the NOAH unit will become jealous.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Problem: My NOAH unit keeps locking himself in outhouses and talks a lot when he's in there. Is there a problem with him?

Solution: Your NOAH is trying to make up for the times he didn't get to use the confessional camera. Don't worry, just let him say his piece and tell him you agree with him. If he thinks more people are in agreement with him the behaviour will stop.

Problem: Whenever my NOAH unit sees a needle he slaps his hands over his mouth.

Solution: Your NOAH thinks you're going to try and piece him with said needle. Just assure him you aren't and he should be fine.

Problem: My NOAH has been running around with my friend's EVA and IZZY units. Is there anything I can do to stop this?

Solution: These units have entered into their TEAM E-SCOPE mode. It shouldn't last long however, but we do suggest keeping them away from shiny briefcases, JUSTIN units, and tree vines while in this mode.

FINAL NOTE:

Should any other problems arise with your NOAH unit, please contact our help desk. In the case of un-resolvable differences, please return the unit for a complete refund. And should you ever find his missing pants, feel free to keep those.

Wawanakwa Ltd. accepts no responsibility for any and all legal problems brought about by said unit. All costs for pants, books and for keeping the unit in good shape are entirely the owner's responsibility.

We at Wawanakwa Ltd. are sure that you will be very happy with your purchase, and should you follow the above instructions you will have many years of enjoyable service from the NOAH unit. Remember, a NOAH is not just for Chanukah; a NOAH is for life. (A message from Wawanakwa Ltd.)

Winter-Rae: Noah was fun. Who might be next? I don't know.