Author's Note: I don't even know where this came from, but the idea makes me laugh. :3 Hopefully you guys will find it humorous as well!

Father Figures

To say he was surprised was… a little bit of an understatement. Then again, he should have expected it, really. It would have taken an idiot (or fan girl in deep denial) to not see how smitten Sasuke was with Naruto. So having both boys at his door shouldn't have come as a surprise.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head and offered them a confused smile, even though the only thing to give that fact away was the upward curve of his visible eye. "So… What can I do for you two today? It is our day off, after all, and—"

"I need a human shield," Sasuke stated bluntly, crossing his arms.

…So he and the little Uchiha were geniuses, and they could usually read each other pretty well. However, the Master of a Thousand Jutsus had trouble understanding why Sasuke would ever need a human shield. "…May I ask what for?"

"W-well," Naruto began nervously, and the silver-haired man felt himself becoming concerned; the blond didn't stutter—and he didn't get nervous. "I-I told Sasuke that if he wanted to date me seriously, he has to go tell Iruka-sensei, because Iruka-sensei and I have this agreement with each other, but you know Iruka-sensei's temper—"

Kakashi sighed. "And you want me to act as a sort of buffer between you two, in case Iruka-sensei decides to get violent?"

Sasuke nodded. "Exactly. …Though if he does start throwing kunai, I'm jumping behind you before making a break for the nearest exit."

"Why exactly is this chunin so scary, anyway?" the jounin asked, placing his hands on his hips. "All three of you act like ticking him off is a fate worse than death. Sakura only mentioned that he yells loudly. I can't imagine that would be too threatening to your health, Sasuke."

The Uchiha narrowed his eyes. "Just come be my human shield."

Kakashi frowned. The lack of an answer from Sasuke and the horrified expression on Naruto's face sort of unnerved him. Sasuke was quiet, but he was straightforward, so not getting an answer was unusual. And Naruto rarely ever showed fear, let alone horror. Now he wanted to come just to see how this 'Iruka-sensei' that he'd heard so much about was so scary.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Iruka blinked in surprise as he found Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi sitting in his living room, then frowned in confusion. Obviously, Naruto let them all in, but… why? "…Should I make tea?"

"I would love tea here Iruka-sensei I'll help you make it!" Naruto exclaimed cheerfully, jumping to his feet and rushing over to take his grocery bags. "Let's make that special stuff that takes a really long time to steep!"

The brunet blinked as the younger boy rushed into the kitchen. "…I have a feeling that he's going to tell me something and I'm not going to like it," he commented after a moment, eyeing the other two ninja sitting on his couch, before turning to follow the blond into the kitchen. "I hope one of you is his human shield."

Sasuke waited until he was sure the chunin was occupied with tea and putting groceries away before standing and going to the window. "Screw this, I'll just slit my own throat and save him the trouble—"

"Sit down," Kakashi ordered, grabbing the back of his shirt and dragging him back to fall back onto the seat. "It's just an intimidation tactic."

The raven-haired boy stared at him in shock, as if asking him why he was sending him to his death, then scowled and slouched back in his seat. "Well it works for him."

The two sharingan bearers only had to wait a few more minutes before the other two came back, Iruka carrying the tray with the tea and cups on it while Naruto carried a tray of tea crackers. Kakashi finished his tea within seconds but held his cup to keep the illusion of still having some. Sasuke took his cup and stared into silently, contemplating whether or not it would be possible for the chunin to drown him in it once he heard what he said. Naruto fidgeted with his, taking a sip every now and then after turning it around in his hands. Iruka seemed the only one at ease, calmly sipping his tea and basking in the nervousness that the others were feeling.

Once he felt they'd suffered enough, he rested his hands in his lap, still holding his tea cup—in case he wanted to throw it at any of them. "So, what did you want to tell me?"

Naruto fidgeted even more with his cup, eyes widening, before he took a large gulp of tea to keep from hyperventilating. Sasuke decided to save him from suffocating on his own tongue. "I… Iruka-sensei, I would like… to date Naruto."

Iruka blinked at him for a few moments, mildly surprised. Moments later, however, he calmly took another sip of his tea—his calmness was becoming nerve-racking. Even Kakashi thought so. "I see. Sasuke, what sort of qualities do you think are necessary in the person that I would deem suitable for Naruto?"

The Uchiha tensed. This wouldn't end well. Ah, well… When in doubt, go with the truth. "…I can't be certain what qualities you think are necessary because you scare the shit out of me and I don't even want to try to imagine what goes on in that mind of yours, let alone the qualities you think Naruto's boyfriend should have."

Kakashi felt the temperature in the room dip and looked around wildly. Why was this happening? Was it something to do with the brunet's chakra? It didn't seem to be… This was only supposed to happen in books and movies! Why was it happening now!?

"I see," Iruka stated shortly, then took another sip of his tea.

All was silent for a few moments before the brunet set down his cup of tea. Naruto stared at him and bit his bottom lip, suddenly worried for the safety of his team mate and his jounin sensei. Iruka wouldn't kill them, right? …Right?!

"…Absolutely not," the chunin stated firmly, then reached for the teapot. "More tea?"

Kakashi's jaw dropped slightly. "…You… You can't do that."

Iruka blinked before looking up at him in surprise. "Excuse me? I can't do what?"

"Sasuke and Naruto really like each other! It's a mutual attraction!" the silver-haired man exclaimed, gesticulating between both boys—but mostly Sasuke. "If Sasuke just finally got the guts to ask him out—" Sasuke looked up at his sensei in affront. "—Then they should be allowed to date!"

The chunin eyed him skeptically for a moment, then sat back, folding his hands neatly in his lap; he looked all the world ready to have a calm, rational discussion. "Hatake-san, I'm curious. How would you feel if someone you thought of as your little brother—someone you need to protect—was asked out by someone you thought disliked him almost enough to hate him?"

Kakashi frowned. "Obviously not the same way you do; my little brother's not the uke."

The teacup slipped from Naruto's fingers and would have shattered on the floor had Iruka not caught it—all without spilling it. Not that that mattered, though, because then the brunet was gripping the cup with white knuckles—and then it shattered, leaving him with only shards of china in his dripping wet hand. Sasuke took one look at the fiery brown eyes before diving off of the couch. He had a great sense of self-preservation.

"You jackass! You pompous jerk!" Iruka shouted, surging to his feet. "I can't believe you said that! How dare you—"

Sensing that his life wouldn't last much longer if he didn't move, the copy-nin also dove off the couch, just barely dodging three kunai that he hadn't even seen the brunet draw. "Hey-! L-let's just talk about this like rational adults!"

The chunin growled and grabbed some more kunai—and a few shuriken—as he roared, "Rational my ass! You insensitive, uncaring, cold asshole!"

Seeing the deer-in-the-headlights expression on Naruto's face, Sasuke grabbed him and yanked him to his feet, then ran for the nearest room with a door to it. Ah, closet-! The raven-haired boy shoved his intended boyfriend in and ducked in after him, slamming the door closed just in time to hear three loud 'thocks' as either shuriken or kunai collided with it. …That was way too close.

The two genin curled up in a corner as they listened to the carnage outside. Things shattered, more weapons hit the wall, and even barking at one point, only to be met with hisses as Kakashi's nin-dogs were met with Iruka's pet cats. It was hard to tell whether the screams after that were human or animal. Naruto let out a whimper and huddled into the Uchiha's body; the last time Iruka had gotten like this was Mizuki, and even then, he'd been a lot less scary, but only because he hadn't broken a piece of his mother's china in a fit of rage. Kakashi was in for some considerable pain.

Kakashi realized this. He was afraid he was going to die with every dodge he made. He just hadn't thought that the chunin would get so righteously angry! He needed a plan, and he needed it quickly. Dogs were out of the question; Iruka's cats were crazy with a capital 'z' and the brunet was surprisingly accurate at throwing shoes. His dogs did not like getting hit on the nose with slippers.

This had all been over a big misunderstanding, too! He'd just commented that Naruto would be the uke in whatever relationship he got in—he ruthlessly stomped down on the instinct to give the brunet a mocking jab about how Naruto had probably gotten it from him—

Wait a minute.

Iruka snarled angrily as the copy-nin went from dodging to moving toward him and readied himself for any attack that he threw at him. However, he found he was terribly unprepared for the other man yanking his mask down. …Not that he got to see anything, because then Kakashi had mashed their lips together and pulled his body up against his.

He tried to struggle, tried to hit him, but found himself to flustered to do so one Kakashi's free hand grabbed his ass.

Hearing no more of the pandemonium from earlier, Sasuke cracked the door open and peeked outside. He was stunned by what he found.

Naruto frowned. "Wait, does that mean we're step-brothers then?"

"Mmph!" That, more than anything, brought Iruka back to his senses, and he landed a punch to the jounin's jaw hard enough to send him into the opposite wall. "You pervert!"

Kakashi had somehow managed to get his mask back up before he hit the wall. The other three marveled before he stood up and dusted himself off as if nothing had happened. "I'm not a pervert, I'm just… challenged when it comes to personal space."

"…Hmph." Turning to Sasuke, Iruka placed his hands on his hips and scowled. "Sasuke, you may date Naruto as long as you never bring this perverted vermin back to my apartment."

"…Yes, sensei," Sasuke replied, then winced a little as he saw his current teacher sneaking up on him. "…Naruto and I are going back in the closet."

The brunet raised an eyebrow. "It's a little late for that, don't you think? I mean—NYEEK!!!!" He instinctively brought his elbow back in a jab that the jounin just barely dodged. "The hell, Hatake?!"

"Just wanted to get one for the road," Kakashi answered happily, grabbing his ass one last time before escaping to the window. He paused just inside it and turned to give him one last parting shot. "You know, maybe the reason Naruto's so uke is because he takes after you."

Iruka blushed and stared at the window for a few seconds in shock, then growled. "I have never felt so violated in my whole life! Hatake Kakashi, you are dead!" he roared, then grabbed a few of the kunai lodged in the wall nearby and jumped out after him.

Naruto stepped out of the closet and sighed, then looked around nervously. "…Maybe we should clean this up as a goodwill gesture?"

"And you said I have to go talk to Anko after this?" Sasuke asked in disbelief. He didn't think someone could actually get chopsticks stuck in a wall. …At some point, they must have gone into the kitchen.

"Oh, don't worry. She's not nearly as terrifying as Iruka-sensei," the blond replied, smiling brightly. "She'll be happy for us! …Well, I don't know if she'll be happy. She'll probably elbow you and tease that you're choosing a pretty demanding guy." He rubbed the back of his head, smile fading into a frown. "It's not my fault I don't like being shaken awake at four in the morning just to be asked whether she can borrow some money for dango until she goes on another mission."

The raven-haired boy eyed him for a few minutes, wondering if it was really worth it just to date him. After a little thought, he decided yes, he was.

But if it had been anyone else, he never would have put up with it.