A/N: I had intended to use this as the first chapter in a sequel entitled "Didn't You Hear Me? It's NOT a Word!", but decided against it. Consider it a bonus chapter.

By the way... the author's notes in the previous chapters should be considered an "in-character" stunt. Don't take them too literally (as MANY of you unfortunately have); they're meant to parody the various idiosyncrasies you find within moody authors trying to justify abrupt, unpopular, or ill-conceived plot changes/additions. I thought about removing them for a long time, but I decided that doing so would take away from the artistic message even if some people think my intention was to get "booed" off FFN. Sorry, but I have too much fun writing Broken Shield to leave.

Anyway, what's satire without controversy?

Roxas awoke in a broom closet of all places. It was dusty and cramped in that awful hellhole of a box, and a family of spiders dropped down from their maze of webs to do the jig on Roxas' head.

"I do say, dear chap," said one grooving spider. "It's an awfully smashing day for a jiggery-doo, isn't it? Pip, pip and all that."

"Aye!" concurred another spider in its cockney accent. "Smashin' me eight-legged knickers on yer head, I is! 'N wot a deli'ful li'l place you got 'ere, ducky!"

When Roxas tried to whack away the surprisingly talkative spiders, he realized that he had some kind of doofy stick in his hand in place of his Keyblade. Tossing the stick aside, it knocked into an obnoxious owl that kept hooting like it was on fire.

"Ah! Avian Heartless!" Roxas exclaimed. Without the Keyblade to defend himself, Roxas forced an exit by roundhouse kicking the termite-infested door until it splintered. But before he could run to find a Heartless-killing utensil, a skinny horse-faced woman and her elephant-like husband rolled in to scold Roxas. Of course, the second he saw them, he thought just one thing: "More Heartless!"

"Roxas Potter, you shut that owl up or else!" shouted the balloon-shaped man.

"And go fix our little Dudders some more roasted pork fat topped with lard," said the horse-faced woman. "He'd also like one of those things Yankees call a pizza or some other such rubbish. Make sure to stuff it with cheese, ham, burgers, fish 'n chips, lard, gravy…"

The list went on and on, and the woman failed to realize that Roxas had quickly dashed out of the room, found a fireplace poker, and dashed right back in to knock her husband out and then chase around their little pig of a son. The piglet squealed and oinked all around the house until he got a heart attack from the exercise. Some flies buzzed around his necrotic corpse until the cockney spiders dropped in for a bite.

"Jolly good eats ya've got 'ere, ducky. Now step aside n' let us be workin' our magic, cor blimey!"

Ignoring the spiders, Roxas returned to the kitchen to deal with the horse Heartless.

"…grease flakes, more pork fat, lobster, bacon, some of that Yankee apple pie…"

A quick stab in the horsehide stopped her short. She went screaming out of the room where she tripped over her dear "Dudders" and passed out from the shock of landing next to his lardy-heavy carcass.

With all that done, Roxas took a moment to regain his bearings. He gazed around the unfamiliar house or zoo—he couldn't really tell—and came to the sudden realization that he couldn't remember much of anything before waking up in the stuffy closet. Taking a stroll over to the couch, Roxas sat down in front of the fireplace and thought for a bit.

"Hmm… the last thing I remember is… Axel? Was he screaming about something?" he wondered. "And why are there so many Heartless around? Maybe if I find Axel, he can tell me what's going on."

No sooner did he think to get up off the couch when a tidal wave of envelopes exploded from the fireplace. Shocked, Roxas stabbed at the mail with his poker thinking they were Heartless. When the letters wouldn't die, he made a hasty retreat out into the street to look for reinforcements.

But outside, he bumped into a big, burly man with a huge bush of a black beard.

"Well as I live n' breath; if in ain't Roxas Potter!" guffawed the jovial giant.

"Stay back, Heartless!" Roxas held up his poker in defense.

"I know your uncle and aunt never told ya, but…" the giant leaned in as if to tell a secret, "yer a wizard, Roxas."

"No, I'm the Key of Destiny!" Roxas poked Hagrid in the eyes with his poker, blinding the giant and then stealing the magical motorcycle parked on the street corner. It was only when he was thousands of feet in the air that Roxas realized he didn't know how to ride a motorcycle. And yet even so, he was pretty damn sure they weren't supposed to fly.

He eventually crash-landed in some marsh-like place with a huge castle structure in the distance. Roxas ditched the motorcycle, but not before picking up the umbrella latched in the side holster. With umbrella and fireplace poker in hand, he cautiously maneuvered his way towards the castle in search of Axel, Heartless, and answers.

When he got there, some kids were coming out of pumpkin carriages or something like that. Roxas thought he saw Cinderella somewhere, but it was really just some slimy, old crotchety man who threatened people with dungeon detention. As Roxas approached, Cinderella's Polar Opposite gave him the eye.

"Well, well…if it isn't our very own celebrity—Mr. Potter," sneered Snape, the potion's master.

Roxas ignored him, as he did everyone who was staring at him. While doing various missions with Axel for the Organization, he was used to civilians staring as he killed the Heartless and saved the world.

When Roxas reached the entrance, some redheaded kids barred his path.

"Cor blimey! Cheerio, mate! I be a Weasely, I is! Percy is I!"

"N' we be a right couple of demons, we be!" said some twins.

"I'm Ronald McDonald Weasely, here to sell Happy Meals and diabetes to all the wee little 'uns, I is!" said Ron with an affectionate "pip, pip".

Roxas shoved his way past all the redheads until he reached the last one. His eyes went wide with the closest thing to relief a Nobody could feel. "Axel!"

The most refined in the Queen's English, Axel bowed gracefully as any proper Englishman would. Unlike the hand-me-down potato sacks and clown getup the other Weasels—I mean, Weasleys—wore, Axel was dressed like a royal prince.

"Charmed to meet you, Mr. Potter," said Axel with a bow. He then took Roxas's hand and kissed it. "Do forgive me for being rather forward, but if you'll indulge in my fancy for a moment, I do believe we may become good friends. Perhaps, dare I say, even more?"

At first, Roxas didn't understand what was going on. How could he, being as innocent as he was? So he did what any unwitting pawn in a deranged fangirl's fantasy would do: he didn't resist.

"Axel, what's going on?" he asked, taking back his hand. "Where are we? Is this some kind of mission?"

Axel let out a suave, gentleman's chuckle. "I heard the rumors, but I didn't think it would be true that the great Roxas Potter knew only of the muggle world and not of his own! You simply must allow me to be your teacher." Axel wriggled a suggestive brow. "There are so many things I can show you…"

"Is that some kind of code?" Roxas asked, twitching his own eyebrows. "So is it one brow for attack and two for defend?"

"Dear, Roxas… it will be such a delight attending Hogwarts with you." Axel draped his arm around Roxas's shoulders.

"What are you doing?" Roxas asked, growing suspicious.

"Leading you to the sorting hat, of course. Let's pray we get a room together, hmm?" Axel let out a dashing laugh that sent warning bells ringing for Roxas.

"Is that genuine mirth?" Roxas smacked away Axel's arm and held up his umbrella and poker in a defensive pose. "You…you're not really Axel, are you?"

"Whatever do you mean, Roxas?" said pseudo Axel.

"Oy, what do ya mean, ya blitherin' fool!" said one of the cockney spiders that managed to hitch a ride in Roxas's hair. "Take a butcher's at 'is dickie dirt! I'll bet he's got a pony or two to spare, luv! You'd be right radio rental not to be his trouble n' strife, ya hear? Blimey!"

Roxas stabbed the spider with his poker and flung it at the phony Axel. "Who are you? What have you done with me?"

"Nothing at all; you have my word. Though I would desire to do much to you if you understand my meaning."

"So you want to steal my heart, huh?"

"Will you let me?" said suave, charming Axel, about ready to get down on one knee and propose.

"Ha!" Roxas scoffed with a slash of his umbrella. "The jokes on you, Heartless: I'm a Nobody! I don't have a heart!"

"Has He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named scarred you so? Permit me to dash away your worries and woes, dear Roxas. I shall be your pillar of strength, and together, we can rid the world of Death Eaters forever!"

Roxas didn't understand a word of that—nor did he care. While prep boy Axel blathered on, Roxas traded his umbrella (and promise of all future lunch money) to some crabby gargoyle guy for a "magical" shiv. With poker and shiv in hand, Roxas charged at the Axel fake, and void of all mercy, stabbed him to death.

"That should do it," Roxas said as he backed away in anticipation for what he assumed was a Heartless to release a heart and fade into darkness. But that never happened. Instead, time froze and some gooey, pink tentacles sprang out of the ground to ensnare Roxas.

"What the!" His weapons disappeared, leaving him defenseless as the kooky fangirls appeared.

"Le sigh…" said pink pipsqueak. "Even with a brain hug, you sure don't ever change Roxy. But I won't lose faith!"

"Believe in LOVE!" added the fuchsia fairy ditz. "Love and PEACE! Love and PEACE!" She shoved the peace sign in Roxas's face, almost poking his eyes out with it.

"Who are you people? What've you done to Axel and me? Where's my best friend?"

"Tee-hee! He's waiting for you in a bed of roses somewhere!" said the deranged pink pixie. "You'll get a biiig surprise if you can find him, wittle bishie! Good luuuuuck!" With a tap of her fuzzy pen, the fangirl banished Roxas to another twisted realm.

When Axel awoke, he was laying flat on a battlefield somewhere. His standard Organization coat had been replaced with some hi-tech black armor with an N7 insignia bolted in the upper corner of his chestplate.

"Commander, are you okay?" said some weird, blue lizard-like…woman? Axel couldn't tell. Anyway, the lizard thing hurried over to him and poured some kind of thick gel over his head.

"Hey, are you trying to kill me?" Axel shouted.

"Just relax, Shepard; this medi-gel will heal your cranial injuries in no time," said the lizard doctor thing—it was a doctor, wasn't it? It was wearing a white coat after all.

But before the doctor could finish applying the gel, Axel smacked it away and got to his feet. "Listen, I don't know who you are, but—"

"You have amnesia? This is not good, Commander! We're in the middle of a war!"

"War? How bad did I smack my head?" Axel wondered. He took a look around the battlefield as some giant cephalopod-headed insect soldiers ran around killing people and stuffing their corpses in what looked like oversized caterpillar cocoon pods.

"Commander, hurry! The Collectors are kidnapping the colonists! We don't have time for your amnesia!" The doctor shoved a gun into Axel's unwitting hands and pushed him into the field.

"What's going on here? Where's Roxas? Where're the Heartless? Why can't I remember anything?"

Axel didn't have any time for introspection. The bug people buzzed all around him. They swarmed him into a corner and almost touched him with their (patented) buggy feelers of doom when someone showered them with a can of bug spray.

"My, Commander; you've really lost your touch," said the newcomer. "Perhaps Project Lazarus wasn't as much of a success as we had initially thought. I'll make sure to mention this in my report to the Illusive Man."

When the bug soldiers shriveled up and died on the ground, the newcomer stomped on them to get to Axel.

"Roxas, is that you?" Axel said, narrowing his eyes to look at his tight, form-fitting suit that really emphasized and accentuated his rear-end.

"Of course it's me," Roxas said, giving his rear a contract-mandatory wiggle.

"Commander! Mr. Lawson! We don't have time," said the dino doctor. "We have to hurry back to the Normandy!"

"We have to what?" Axel echoed, befuddled.

"Hurry now, Commander," Roxas said, shaking his rear as if it were doing all the talking. He gave another spray of the Insect-B-Gone can to kill the Collectors gaining on them before shoving Axel into a shuttle that transported them to the SSV Normandy.

Onboard the Normandy, Demyx hailed Axel from the cockpit. "Yo, brah! What up, homeboy?"

"Demyx? What the HELL is going on? Why's he here?" Axel wondered as he cautiously made his way over to the cockpit.

"So like, we've got like, probs, ya dig?" Demyx said with a smack of his bubble gum. He blew a big, pink bubble that popped.

"I'll take it from here, Mr. Mor'on," said Larxene, the onboard AI and resident bitch. She, too, was chewing bubblegum (albeit virtual, holographic gum). When her bubble popped, it clogged up the engines, sending the ship into a major meltdown.

"So listen, jerky-for-brains," Larxene continued, "we've got a situation here. The ship's engines are failing." She blew another bubble and the emergency oxygen masks fell from the overhead. "Bad."

"Why's Larxene here? Sora dealt with her back in Castle Oblivion, didn't he?" Axel pondered.

"So make with the heroism and save us or something." Larxene popped her gum.

"So, like, yeah. That's the dealy," said Demyx. He then shoved Axel out of the cockpit, where he passed some ditzy dame.

"Oh, Commander! Commander Shepard!" the ditz waved. "Yoo-hoo!"

"Who the hell are you and what do you want?" said Axel, finally figuring out that he was supposed to be the Commander.

"Aww, don't be like that, Commander! It's me—Brittany-the-bank-teller-turned-yeoman!" she said as chipper as a chirping bird as everyone was running around deck screaming their heads off as the ship took a nosedive. "Jack wants to see you in her hidey-hole."

"Who wants what?"

"Oh, don't be bashful, Commander! I've seen the way crazy-eyed Jack looks at you with those murderous eyes of hers! I can't wait for the drama to ensue when she finds out you've got eyes for Dat Ass! Tee-hee!"

"EXCUSE ME?" Axel all but shouted, finding the ditzy yeoman to be a royal pain.

"You know—Roxas Lawson, codename: Dat Ass. Larxene hooked us all into the security cams so we can all see the big moment when you cruise each other's space, so to speak."

"Lady, I don't know what the hell you're babbling on about. Just point me in Roxas's direction and shut up before I burn you alive."

"Are you saying things are going to get heated tonight? Hoo-mama! I can't wait!" squeed Brittany, just as some of her co-workers committed ritual suicide as the ship continued to spiral out of control. "Anyway, take the elevator down to the second floor and you'll find Dat Ass in his office where he always is! Have a nice day! Buh-bye!"

Axel sneered at the former bank teller and headed down in the elevator. On the second deck, the crewmen continued to lose their cool. The gravity stabilizers began to malfunction, and rations went floating around leaving the chef to shout, "Every man for himself!" as he hoisted himself into the air and munched on his own culinary makings.

When the crew saw Axel, they bombarded him with pleas for him to hurry up and fix the thrusters, begging the question to as why the engineers weren't more suited candidates for their attention. But that's neither here nor there.

Axel couldn't care less if they all suffocated, so he pushed them aside and made his way into Roxas's office. Inside, Roxas was working his glutes. He did some butt-ups, butt-squats, and lifted butt-weights up until Axel came into the office.

"Ah, Shepard. What can I do for you?" Roxas said as he wiped the sweat from his rear with a towel.

"So you're 'Roxas', huh?" Axel said as he cautiously walked in and surveyed the room. For whatever reason, the gravity stabilizers still functioned in that room.

"Dr. T'soni told me about that bump to your head," Roxas said as he approached Axel, walking more with his rear and hips than with his legs. "So, you don't remember much then?"

"Nope," Axel replied honestly. "But that doesn't mean I'm stupid!" He grabbed the pseudo Roxas by the skin-tight collar. "What have you done with the real Roxas?"

"Oh, Commander," fake Roxas said breathily. "We don't have time to play rough now—you've a ship to save."

"Stop babbling, you freaky fraud! Tell me where my best friend is!"

Roxas's rear shivered with delight as an angry Axel hoisted him into the air. "Shepard, we can't. If the Illusive Man finds out…" Roxas went to gingerly caress Axel's face, but he went smack against the wall when Axel flung him across the room.

"I don't know who you are or who set up this elaborate scheme, but I'll cut through every last one of you to save my friend!" Axel grabbed a heavy, 500lb butt weight and went to smash it into the fake's head when time suddenly stopped, fixing Axel in place like a statue.

"Squee! Did you hear that?" shrilled the all-too familiar voice of the prepubescent pink girl.

"ZOMG! He'd kill to save his lovey-dovey Woxy!" said the fuchsia twit. "Why don't we help him along a bit more? Axelicious just isn't getting it!"

"Tee-hee! I know what you mean!" With a snap of her fingers, the little pink pest opened up a swirling pink vortex of doom that transported Axel to a new world of horrors.