April 2nd, 2010

Dear Diary,

Forgive me for leaving such a large gap between my entries. My schedule had been more or less the same – weekly radiotherapy sessions and spending the rest of my time with my friends and family. Recently I've begin to feel the cancer really take its toll on me – I'm becoming much weaker and I feel quite nauseous all the time. I've been given medicines and diet plans to help control this, but it's still there. I've also lost a lot of weight (due to the sickness), but hopefully this new diet should help me to control that too. Aniki was especially upset when this started to happen, but even now he still hasn't fully accepted that I'm sick. I do hope Ivan-sama takes care of him should this treatment not work. I've also had a few appointments with Dr. Zwingli about the impending surgery. It's been scheduled for two months time. He said it was so I had plenty of time to still change my mind, but I am very sure that I won't. Even if all of the treatment does fail, I would at least like to die knowing that I gave myself the best chance possible, and I would like everyone to remember that too. But I still have not gotten over how scary Dr. Zwingli is, and I feel slightly awkward about the idea of him personally being the one to perform surgery on me. From what I've seen, he has a little sister. I am quite certain that she is his sister – she looks a lot like him and he has plenty of pictures of her. Maybe he does have a nice side after all. I really hope that no one makes him angry during surgery.

After leaving the hospital from yet another appointment and radiotherapy session, I really wanted to see Hera-chan. He had gone back to Greece for a few days (for the anniversary of his mother's death), but he returned yesterday. Although I was sure he would be tired, I knew how he is and that he would prefer company to being alone. Hera-chan is many things, but he is not a solitary person. Still, it would be best if I called him first – there are some times when he would prefer to be alone. However, he seemed happy that I wanted to see him, which was something that surprised me. He should know by now that I always want to see him. Of course, I find it hard to tell him that. Another thing that I would not tell him was I finally worked out why Sadiq-san was so familiar – I used to work with him years ago, before I became an artist. I wondered why I stopped talking to him, from what I remembered we were quite good friends.

Hera-chan seemed to have acquired yet more cats. What stunned me the most were not the cats themselves, but the fact that I had even noticed. He has so many that it is hard to tell. Corporal Cat seems to be the most memorable, but whether it is because he is so bubbly or his ridiculous name is hard to tell.
"How was the appointment today, Kiku?"
"He was as scary as ever, but we've decided on a date for the surgery" I was certain that for a fraction of a second, I saw concern flash in Hera-chan's eyes. Even though I knew he was as upset about this as Aniki, he did a much better job of hiding it. I liked to think that he did it to protect me, even though I would prefer him to be more open – I'm starting to get used to people expressing themselves.
"Oh...that's good then, isn't it?" I smiled at him.
"Yes it is, if it works then it should raise my chances drastically" He allowed the happiness to linger a little longer in his eyes that time. My stomach always fluttered a little when he smiled. I noticed several cats around my feet, and wondered why they were not warded off by the scent Pochi has not warded them off. Maybe they were as daring as their owner.
"How was your trip?" I tried to avoid bringing up his mother – for years he had believed that she was just missing, until he received a phone call telling him that she was dead. Even though it was many years ago, it is still a sensitive subject for him. Knowing how it was to have something you never wished to discuss, I slightly understood how he felt and how to not talk about it. Come to think of it, I know many people with such a memory.
"The weather was nice...you should come with me sometime" I blushed not only at the severity of the offer, but at the implication that I would still be alive the next time he went – Hera-chan never went home often. I hoped that I would be; I had always wanted to go to Greece. I smiled again.
"That would be nice"

We talked for hours, just about anything. Unlike anyone else, Hera-chan made no comments on the fact that I did not eat as much and that I was noticeably thinner. He did not have to though – I could tell that he saw it. Try as he might, he could not hide the worry that time, and I felt guilty for having these after effects. I assumed that aster this was over I would be able to put the weight back on. I mentally smiled at my own optimism, even though it was not that as much as it was the trademark Japanese fighting spirit. Arthur-san had told me that in England, it was called the 'Blitz spirit'. Either way, they both sounded very encouraging. We discussed his new cats, how Gutpa-san had been, work and laughed at the memories of when he met my family. Even now, that day is still amusing to us all. It was one of the memories I would use to fight off all the bad thoughts that I got when I would try to sleep at night. Hera-chan also showed me how to cook one of his favourite traditional Greek dishes and some desserts. I noticed that every dessert seemed to have honey, almonds or both in them. I guess some stereotypes are there for a reason. I doubt I would do so well making the dishes on my own, but I still thought the gesture was sweet, and he seemed extremely happy to be able to share them with me. One day, I would return the favour for him. Maybe when I start to get my strength back.

It was because I was feeling weak that I eventually left. As expected, Hera-chan refused to let me go home on my own despite my protests.
"What if you feel really bad or something happens on the way? I'll drive you home"
"T-that's not necessary, Hera-chan..."
"It is if you feel weak" I could tell from his tone that I was fighting a losing battle, and eventually gave in. Ignoring his slightly victorious smirk, I followed him downstairs and got into the car. I remembered Alfred-san telling me that in Manhattan, around 60% of people did not have cars because it was so difficult to park. I made a mental note to one day go to Manhattan to find out. I also wanted to see if the buildings were as tall as he said they were. When I thought about it, there were lots of places that I wanted to see. Either I survived this or I had a lot of travelling to do in the next few months. When we arrived at my apartment (Hera-chan had even made sure that I had managed to walk up to it), I thanked him again for taking me home.
"You know I worry about you..." I sighed.
"I know, but you shouldn't go out of your way. I would have made it home perfectly fine" This time, he smiled at me.
"It wasn't out of my way, I would've worried until I heard from you" I sighed again, but smiled back at him.
"Honestly, you spend too much time worrying. You'll make yourself ill one day!" We both laughed, and for that moment I forgot that there was anything wrong with the world.
"Then you can take care of me...anyway, sleep well, Kiku" As he always did, Hera-chan kissed me as if I would not wake up tomorrow. Every time he did, I understood what all those books meant when they said people were swept off their feet or their hearts skipped a beat.
"You too, Hera-chan. I'll talk to you tomorrow" Another one of his breathtaking smiles before he turned to leave and I opened the door.

I was not tired, and I envied Pochi for being able to fall asleep on the sofa so easily. He usually slept on my bed, but I was sure that he would come into my bedroom once he knew I was home. It's amazing what comfort a pet can bring when you find yourself truly alone. That being said, it's amazing how awful the feeling of being truly alone is, especially when so many people say that they're always there for you. I really do not like troubling people with my personal issues. Everyone has their own things to deal with, negative or not. Arthur-san has his book, Hera-chan has his cats, Francis-san has his social life and the list goes on. I found myself once again wishing that Things would just go back to the way they were. For the first time since I had been diagnosed, I felt like giving up.

Of course, I cannot give up; that is not who I am. I am Kiku Honda and I will not die. I will not let something like this kill me off. Not yet. This is what I have to keep on telling myself, otherwise I fear that I might just call Dr. Zwingli and cancel the surgery, and just let this take me. In the older days of Japan, warriors would rather kill themselves than surrender. I wonder if that could apply here.

Kiku. xo

AN: SWEET MOTHER OF PLATO ON A STICK MERRYXMAKING, DID YOU JUST UPDATE THIS STORY? I was actually going to give up on this (hence the long hiatus), but due to a certain someone *cough*Gosangoku*cough* I've kept with it. Still debating how it will end though. And I'm not having him update every few days or so because that was just murder.

I promise lemon soon! Like, the next chapter or so soon. So please forgive me TT^TT but I also had to revise for my GCSEs, do my GCSEs and now I get my results in 13 days. I'm absolutely terrified. Oh well! lD

I love you guys, seriously.