I wrote this because the Octava Espada needs more love! No, this isn't supposed to be a CRACK fic, but there may be CRACK due to the absurdity of it all.

Enjoy!

Warning! Spoilers for the Hueco Mundo Arc and thereafter! If you haven't read/watched that arc yet, then you better go see it now! Cuz you're missing out loads!

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to the ingenious mind of Tite Kubo!

Setting: After Nnoitra died, Ichigo rescues Orihime instead of letting her be abducted again. (So Ulqui didn't die, YAY!)

Pairings: Meheheh! I'm not telling yuu~! :3 (No Nnoi x Szayel though. Sorry!)

::PROLOGUE::

"… Mayuri-sama?"

A subtle young lady spoke up as she watched her father prepare to cross into the dark craggy portal of the Garganta. The warm desert breeze of Hueco Mundo blew against her glossy black hair with a front bowl-cut that was swept backwards and interweaved into a thick braid which rested against her petite frame.

Her father had placed a foot over the edge of the Garganta, and was straining to lug his haul over it. His golden brown eyes flickered over to her direction, but he did not deign to reply her.

"Nemu! Get over here and help me lift this over!"

Said girl already had her hands full with a few bulky sacks, but with her inhuman herculean strength, carrying a few more would not make much of a difference.

The issue now was that her previously nonexistent rebellious streak had been evoked. She had something to say – and she wasn't going to surrender submissively to her father until her views were heard.

"Mayuri-sama?" She repeated meekly, body unmoving.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri's eyes widened in disbelief. Was his lieutenant/daughter disobeying his orders? I-Impossible!

His lips curled up into a snarl, revealing his stained golden teeth.

"Nemu! Are you deaf? Do not make me repeat myself! Come over here and lift this up for me!"

Kurotsuchi Nemu remained silent as she continued to watch her infuriated captain/father through her hooded green eyes.

The captain was incredulous. Since when did Nemu refuse to obey him? Was she faulty? Or had she reached an age of rebelliousness? Either way, her actions were not going unpunished.

He released his hold on his haul and started digging about his captain's haori.

"I swear, you are becoming quite a nuisance these days," the scientist grumbled as he fished out a palm-sized device, flicking the switch on with a blue fingernail.

The effects were almost instantaneous. Nemu felt a slight tingling biting out from the red choker around her neck before a full blown shockwave was sharply blasted through her being. She gasped as the pain racked her body, dropping her load which fell with a loud metallic clatter. She would have fainted should she not possess such an incredible threshold for pain.

Mayuri narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

"Tch. I told you not to drop all that equipment." He grouched and switched the device on for a second time.

As the second shockwave tore through her nerves once more, the lieutenant felt her strength forsake her legs and collapsed onto the dry sand of the desert. Her entire body was benumbed with pain and she felt completely exhausted.

"That will teach you not to disobey me," The scientist spat as he replaced his device in his captain's haori. "Now then, Nemu-"

It was then did it dawn upon Mayuri that he had just knocked out the only being left that could help him lift his heavy load.

His stock of regenerative serum had been used up, courtesy of the Quincy and a certain lieutenant of the sixth division. Furthermore, he had broken his zanpakutou as a form of punishment for its misbehavior. It was dangerous for him to prolong his stay here in this Hollow-dominated region. Should he chance upon another Espada, his luck might just run out.

He had to return to the safety of his research institute in the Seireitei as soon as possible.

Cursing under his breath, he made his way towards his torpid lieutenant and revived her through certain means.

"…" Mayuri fumed silently as he watched his outrageously tenacious lieutenant stand.

"… Mayuri-sama?" Nemu tried again.

The captain's eye twitched, but he grudgingly complied.

"What is it, Nemu?"

Mayuri could have sworn that he saw a ghost of a smile grace his daughter's lips.

"We cannot leave yet."

"And why not?"

"Because we have left someone behind."

"… Abarai and the Quincy have left to help the substitute Shinigami. They won't be coming back with us."

"No, Mayuri-sama. I am not referring to them."

Twitch.

"If you are referring to that Espada, I am done researching on him. He is of no use to me now, so we will not be taking him back."

In truth, the head of scientific research in the Seireitei wanted to conduct further experiments on the Espada. There was so much more that he wanted to know about their kind… however he did not want his research to be conducted on this specific Arrancar.

Why him?

The reason behind the scientist's reluctance to take back the pink-haired Espada was simply because… he was jealous.

Despite claiming that he abhorred perfection, Mayuri was actually rather envious of the Espada scientist's attributes. Not only did he have the looks, he had that wickedly cool Voodoo Doll ability, and that incredible ability called Gabriel.

But what made Mayuri truly covetous, was his capability to look good in feminine attire.

Yes, Mayuri had always yearned to put on a dress and look fabulous in it. But when he attempted the feat and reviewed his appearance in the mirror, he was psychologically scarred. This led to him developing jaundice for perfection and also distorting his sense of fashion.

Thus, when he encountered the androgynous Espada in his released form, he was distraught with pure envy, a powerful emotion which he channeled into deep hatred for his antithesis.

So, of course he would NOT let the defeated Espada have the honor of being experimented on in his laboratory.

Nemu begged to differ.

"No, Mayuri-sama. We have to bring him back and inject him with the antidote for the super-human drug. If he remains intoxicated for eternity, then I too will suffer in timeless remorse. If he does not leave, then I too will have to remain here."

Mayuri's golden chin almost broke off from shock. W-What the hell was this!? Nemu had turned recalcitrant, disobeyed his orders, spoke as if the Espada meant the life to her… and actually spoke out a whole paragraph of words! The lord of the freaks was starting to get rather freaked out himself.

How much more bizarre could his day become?

"… And why would you feel and react that way, Nemu?"

A faint blush formed across the lieutenant's cheeks.

"H-He…" Nemu stammered and shuffled nervously.

Mayuri's eyes widened. Could it be…? Could his daughter… be infatuated with that pink-haired freak!? Oh my god! Anyone but him!

"Spit it out already Nemu!" Mayuri screeched impatiently, cold beads of perspiration rolling down the sides of his head.

Mayuri cringed as his daughter's timid green eyes met his piercing brown ones. He fervently wished that Nemu was not intending on having an affair with the Espada.

His wish was granted.

Nemu's voice was brimming with maternal pride as she spoke the four words:

"He is my son."

…

…

Mayuri's chin broke off.

Mayuri is a GRANDFATHER! ^o^

Totally random. I know.

But if you think about it, Szayel did impregnate her... So I'm not that crazy after all! WOOT~!

Hope you've enjoyed the prologue! I will try to update on a week-by-week basis, no promises though!

R&R~!

~Xyion