Inspired by an Eyeshield 21 oneshot that billed itself as angsty crack. Angsty Crack. How could I resist?

Possible OOCness: Be warned.

Uh huh, sure, I'm Aoyama Gosho. And this is gonna make it into the next issue of Meitantei Conan. Not!

It was another late night at the Mouri Detective Agency, and all the local residents were in their proper places. The karate champ was asleep in her bed, dreaming the dreams of the innocent. One shrunken detective was burrowed under his comforter, caught in the grips of a guilty conscience. And the great sleeping detective Kogoro was slouched upon the couch, slugging back another can of Asahi as the latest Okino Yoko rerun panned out on the screen. To anyone looking in on the scene, everything was as it should be. Normal. Typical. Until they took a closer look at Kogoro's eyes. Then they'd know there was nothing typical in that sharp, haunted gaze.

Contrary to popular belief, Mouri Kogoro was not a stupid man. Oh, he could put on quite a show, act the imbecile with considerable panache, but really, he was more aware than most gave him credit. Heck, he'd known Conan was Kudo since the second night the boy had stayed in their home. The annoying brat might be good, but one actor can tell another. That, and the boy's habit of talking in his sleep cleared up any lingering misconceptions.

Hearing the truth from the sleeping mouth of a reckless punk, it wasn't hard to conclude the boy had gotten himself into some deep shit. And by seeking refuge here, he'd more or less put them in the line of fire if the truth were revealed. That ticked Kogoro off. It's one thing to put him in danger. To risk Ran's life? That made him want to beat the brat black and blue. But he prided himself on his self-restraint. He'd just thump the kid a good one when he started falling out of character. Or got on his nerves. Or knocked him out one too many times with that wristwatch. Or broke his daughter's heart. Or...well, you get the picture.

Why else would he bop the kid on the head so much? It's a petty act of retribution for the deceit and endangerment, but this was his daughter's life (and heart) he's toying with. (And yes, he could see loud and clear where the wind was blowing between those two. Didn't mean he had to like it, but he wouldn't break his daughter's heart for nothing. Damn brat had better figure out a way to get himself back together soon...) So yes, Kogoro was well aware of what was happening underneath his nose. So why play dumb? Why the charade? Why let Kudo get away with playing puppet master behind the scenes? One reason.

Eri.

It's always a woman, isn't it? Everything a man does is ultimately for some girl. And oh, he'd do anything for Eri. (Not that he'd ever tell her that else she take advantage of him.) It's been ten years already, and damn it all, but he's still trying to find a way to get her back. He's tried the womanizer, he's tried the drunk, he's tried the chimneyfish and various combinations of the three. He's been playing the idiot ever since the separation, but nothing's worked. Yet why did he go to these extremes? Why did he act the antithesis of the ideal man to win back his love? Again, one reason.

Eri liked idiots.

To be more concise, she liked idiot savants. Those men that are complete morons in some facets of life, but Einsteins in their fields of expertise. That was the main reason they split up when Ran was little. (The cooking argument was merely a red herring for Ran's benefit. No need for her to learn the truth about her mother. He's never been good with crying women.) He was all smarts and not enough stupid. Kogoro had always wondered why she constantly stocked the shelves full of alcohol – apparently it lowered his cognitive capabilities. Now, this would have been nice to know before she'd stumbled upon someone else with just the right dose of idiotic genius to peak the interest and lead her astray. She could have said something. Fucking woman. He'd hate her if he didn't love her so damn much.

And the man she set her sights on? Gay. Irreversibly gay. Unequivocally gay. No way in hell unless you're packing some thunder down under gay. But of course she was oblivious to this ever so crucial fact. Granted, he couldn't blame her for not knowing. He didn't suspect the man of homosexual tendencies until that Valentine's Day about five months after his and Eri's separation. It's one thing for a man to give him chocolates. It's another thing entirely when the chocolates come with a love letter wondering if since Eri's gone, he might be interested..?

Disturbing. That's one way to describe it. Utterly, terribly disturbing. For one, having any guy hit on him was just plain creepy. The fact that this man was the one who'd blindsided the love of his life? It was almost ironically funny, or it would be if it was someone else. Oh, the man knew he had no shot with Kogoro, but apparently he was of the belief that hope springs forth eternal and he could wait.

Tch. Not in a million years.

And it's not like he could just tell the man to get lost. Ran would kick his ass six ways to Sunday if he even insinuated anything against him. And if he told Eri, she'd just chalk it up to jealousy. Even if she believed him, it would only break her heart and send her packing. And if she left, then there went his chances of winning her back. Damn. He hated being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What the hell does she see in that professor anyway? Sure, he can come off all sweet and kind like a living teddy bear, but he's an accident waiting to happen! Hasn't she seen the explosions knocking down the walls? She's liable to lose an eye from a misfiring test tube! Plus he's fat and bald. Bald! He at least can bring the women in. And then there's the whole 'still hiding in the closet' issue. Nope, still can't figure out what she sees in Agasa. And he's not gonna even try to deduce why Agasa's ga-ga over him. Ugh.

If there was just some way to make matters clear. Some way to knock some sense into his woman and file a restraining order against Agasa that doesn't make him sound like a prick and get his ass kicked by everyone in the vicinity. Could he claim temporary insanity and take the caveman approach, grab a big club and drag Eri kicking and screaming back to the apartment? Me Man. You My Woman. Stay.

Hmm...

Nah, wouldn't work. There has to be some other way...some way...

Still staring off into the void, Kogoro let the thoughts run through his head to their inevitable conclusions. He loved Eri. Eri loved Agasa. Agasa loved him. And until he could find that right mix of imbecile and genius to change this never-ending cycle and win Eri back dammit, he'd keep playing the fool. She had to come around one day, right? Kogoro snorted. He obviously wasn't drunk enough if he was asking himself that question. Popping the cap on another beer can he raised it to the empty room.

Kanpai.

...I think I scare myself sometimes...