This fic is set after the end of the war but is pretty AU after the fifth book. Sirius never died and all those who died throughout the books; Dumbledore, Moody, Tonks, Lupin, Snape and Fred are all alive. This is in Hermione's POV.

The war was over, they had won and she should be delighted. The light side had lost few and none of her close friends had died. All the dark were destroyed; Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius, Greyback and the only reminder that remained was the man who had served the dark only to turn light a few months before the end of the war - Draco Malfoy.

The whole wizarding world was celebrating, the Order and those others who fought for the light were rewarded and praised as heroes but she couldn't enjoy it. All she ever remembered were the bad times, watching the torture and murder, being tortured, being raped. She relieved them constantly, against her will of course, her nightmares were haunted with pain and faces, Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange and Fenrir Greyback.

She knew she should get some help but there was no one there to help her. Yes there were many people that could have talked to her but none of them ever noticed what was wrong and so obviously it couldn't be too bad if it wasn't obvious. Still she wished someone cared, Ron was wrapped up in Quidditch and Luna, Harry with the remaining two marauders and of course Ginny. She would never begrudge her two best friends their happiness. She'd thought that perhaps Remus or Sirius would notice, they had become very close during the war, she was like their daughter. But they too were wrapped up in other things, Sirius with his godson, best friend and a long line of vacuous blondes, Remus with Tonks and their little son Teddy and of course sharing stories with Sirius. The final person she had counted on was Albus Dumbledore, he always seemed to know everything yet he didn't notice this. In reality it must be that he wasn't paying attention or she was an excelled actress. But to her it just signified that her problems were not important.

The war had been over about a month when she ran into Draco Malfoy at a bar. They were both a bit drunk and while talking she realised he had long since given up his pureblood mania and he realised that she was in fact an extremely beautiful witch. A few hours later found them at her appartment and five minutes later they were fucking ardently. It was a physical release for him and both knew he had other lovers. For her it was a way to escape her demons and forget about the pain.

The arrangement soon became regular and he came to her appartment a few times a week. It was casual and he had other lovers. He was always gone before she woke up in the morning and that was how they both liked it. She knew that if she woke up to him there then it would just be awkward. None of the Order or her friends knew of her arrangement with Draco. They all accepted that he had helped their side at the end of the war but that didn't mean it erased years of hate. The only two who were polite were Snape, who was of course a family friend and Dumbledore, who had his firm belief in forgiveness. Draco almost never went to any Order events so he barely ever saw her outside of her trysts and that was a good thing for both.

He was like a flame, beautiful and consuming, yet completely dangerous. She got burnt all the time, losing bits of herself as she used the sex to try and escape from her depression. But no matter how many times she got burnt she kept coming back for more. She was addicted to the pain, it made her feel for a few moments. Occasionally he tried to hint she should maybe get some help but she always ignored him, she didn't want to have to accept that she was depressed and traumatised when no one else but him could tell.

It was ironic really, when she experiences so much pain it wasn't her best friends or the Order who worked it out, it was the man who for almost seven years made her life complete hell. Now in respect to her state of mind, he knew her best of all.

So she waited for someone other than Draco to notice. Waited for someone to care and finally see what was right under their nose. Hermione Jean Granger, muggleborn, intelligence of the Golden trio, war heroine, member of the DA and the Order of the Phoenix, master of wandless magic, highest NEWT scores since Albus Dumbledore and completely and utterly depressed and desperate.

But time went on and still no one noticed a thing, she was becoming desperate for the pain to end and finally decided to do something about it. Of course her idea of a solution wasn't really something the others would be happy about, but who cared, she wanted it over and she wanted the nightmares to end.

She didn't want to use magic, it was spells that had caused her all the pain in the first place, so pills would have to do. She brought some painkillers at her local pharmacist on the night of an Order meeting, so they would all be occupied and not interrupt. When she got home she swallowed the whole lot and waited until the darkness overtook her and she was floating in a blissful oblivion. The last thing she heard before she lost full consciousness was Draco's voice calling her name.

Don't worry, there will be a second part with a happier ending than this part. The next part will be from Draco's POV.