The Sangheili Chronicles

Author's Note on the Chronicles as a whole:

Ever have funny outtakes, humourous and non-canon side stories, or other little fic-bits written just for "teh lolz"?

The Sangheili Chronicles are meant to provide a place where I can share these kinds of stories.

They're meant to be funny, and are not to be taken too seriously. I'll put in the author's notes what canon, if any, they are meant to fit into.

I hope they give you a laugh.

Story #1

Queers From Outer Space!

Author's Note on "Queers from Outer Space": This is a funny interlude set in the middle of my story "Twin Blades" (rated M and found in the M-rated section of this site). It got cut from the original story for three reasons: not being vital to the plot, not matching the rest of the story in tone or theme, and being written from Sgt. Johnson's point of view (the original story is told from the POVs of either the Arbiter or Rtas). But I still think it's funny, so I present it here as its own little piece.

This story contains romantic/sexual themes, but no actual sexual contact. It also includes gender confusion, references to certain characters being gay, and some offensive epithets from Mr. Johnson. If you find any of those ideas to be intolerable, you'll want to pass on this story. Otherwise, enjoy.

Time Setting: Before the "Crow's Nest" level of Halo 3, and in the middle of "Twin Blades, Chapter the Seventh: Clashes."

Sergeant Avery Johnson had just put the soap back into the tray when the shower room door opened and in walked a Sangheili.

Or, as Johnson called them, the Queers From Outer Space. The second that Watchtower shuttlecraft had landed, Johnson had seen how the white-armoured one and the Arbiter had looked at each other. It gave him the creeps.

This one was wearing only its bodysuit, unzipped down the front. Johnson couldn't see the Arbiter's brand, and the alien had all its mandibles so it wasn't Arby's boyfriend Half-jaw either. It was probably one of the new guys, Uzi and Nitro or whatever their names were. Sergeant Johnson squinted. This one had a lean build. Nitro was built even for an Elite, so this one was probably Uzi. That guy almost never took his funky helmet off—kind of like the Master Chief—which was probably why Johnson didn't recognize him now. Johnson wasn't entirely sure those two weren't fags as well—they professed to hate each other, but every time you looked, you saw them together. He expected Nitro to come strolling through that door at any minute…for some reason, the idea made him uncomfortable.

The Sangheili proceeded to strip off his bodysuit. Johnson averted his gaze as the alien got naked and entered the adjoining shower. When the hot water hit it, the alien closed its eyes and started to purr—a sound like a cat caught in a chainsaw. Johnson tried to concentrate on rinsing himself off, but it was damn hard with that fucking alien making sighing and moaning noises that sounded like it was having way too damn much fun in there.

Then he caught it looking at him curiously.

"What are you looking at, faggot?" Sergeant Johnson demanded, all the while realizing that the alien had a good foot and a half of height on him and probably half again his body mass, and they were alone in the shower room, and the totally horny-sounding Elite was between him and the door.

The alien tilted its head. "What's a faggot?"

Then the door banged open and Half-Jaw stuck his head in.

Bad to worse, Johnson thought. The only thing worse than being trapped with one gay-ass alien was being trapped with two.

"What do you think you are doing here?" Rtas 'Vadum demanded.

The naked Sangheili jumped out of the shower, yelled "Some fraggin' privacy please!" and kicked the door shut. Muttering to itself, it put its bodysuit back on, leaving its shower still running.

Johnson slowly turned off his shower, then wrapped himself in a towel, grateful to put at least some layers of cloth between himself and the Sangheili.

When the alien was dressed, it opened the door to the shower room. Half-Jaw was still standing in the hall, arms crossed, tapping his foot. "What the hell are you doing in there?" 'Vadum repeated indignantly.

The other Elite said, "I'm about to fly you back to Shadow of Intent—excuse me if I don't want to smell my own ass for the next twelve hours."

"There's a human in there," 'Vadum pointed out.

"So? Like you've never had a shower in front of a Grunt."

'Vadum shook his head. "It's not the species thing… Did you know this is a male only shower room?"

Fil Storamee tilted her head. "Is it?"

"Or that Humans are as sensitive about that sort of thing as we are?" Rtas persisted.

Fil looked at Johnson and shrugged. "I couldn't tell. Sorry."

Sergeant Johnson's jaw dropped—any relief that the alien hadn't gotten around to figuring out what his dick was for was ruined by the fact that Sangheili biology must be some freaky-ass shit. He looked at 'Vadum in horror as he pointed in Fil's direction. "Are you trying to tell me that is a girl???"

Fil shot him a dirty look, growled, "You could have said something," and stalked out.

It was a chick. It was a girl alien, Sergeant Johnson thought to himself.

He was still not anywhere fucking near okay.

Avery Johnson found himself hoping to God that all the girl Elites were lesbians. Please, dear Jesus, if that is a female, let them all find me butt-ugly.

Sergeant Avery Johnson swore to never, ever be near a naked Sangheili ever again. No matter what gender it was. Not even if he had to wash out of a bucket for the rest of his natural life.