After that day so many months ago when I told Dawson I loved him despite everything, things seemed to pass in a bit of a blur for the rest of that day. We just lay down on the bed we'd made love on and talked and talked, finding out the least little details from the years that had gone by.

The small scar on Dawson's left leg, the result of a drunken bicycle accident a few years ago while I told him about the scar I had as a result of having my appendices removed the day before my 21st birthday. He mentioned how he'd seen Jen a few times over the past few years and she was now an archeologist, never able to be tracked down that easily, "even in this day and age of the cell phone, she can never be reached." I told him about how I'd gotten more into art in the aftermath of his departure, somehow it made me want to hold on to the one thing I knew I had in common with my mother.

And as night fell on the city that never sleeps I realized I couldn't put off the inevitable, my return 'home'.

I already knew that I would never spend another night in that house, I somehow knew before Dawson had even returned to the hotel room and I even told Dawson this.

"I'll call Shannon and she'll let me stay at her place." I had told him, I was under no illusion that he'd invite me back for the night. He said he'd call me the next day and I know some people would think I was crazy for not asking for his number in case, I had to trust that he would. After all he'd been honest with me.

My whole journey back to 'our house' was filled with trepidation, for years it'd been just like a comfort relationship. More times than not it felt like we were going through the motions, just comfortable to be with one another. At least that's how it appeared to me and that's what made me feel all the more uneasy as the cab neared the street we'd lived in.

What if it had been about more to Pacey?

But the uneasy feeling had all been for nothing, when I arrived the house was empty. He'd gone to work. There was no note on the kitchen table, or anywhere else. I checked my cell phone, there'd been no calls. I even went so far as to call Shannon to check if he'd called…he hadn't and I asked Shannon if she'd mind me stopping by. She said she didn't and I asked if it would be okay to spend the night, I would explain later. It was fine.

Gathering up the things I knew I'd need for now, I was struck by how this place had never really seemed like a home. Sure we'd stayed there and it seemed lived in, but I couldn't say that I'd leave it with that many memories which was sort of sad given we'd lived here for over 3 years.

Could we have been so in need of someone, anyone, that we'd forgotten to just share things with one another? Make memories.

Had he even noticed I was gone?

I knew that I couldn't just leave there and not tell him and I also knew that I couldn't stay here one more night. So I was left with no option but to see him at work.

When he came out to see me he was surprised I was there.

He was a little more surprised when he saw the backpack I had with me and for the next few minutes all we did was make small talk. His girlfriend was standing before him with her backpack and we're talking about how business is? I think he somehow knew, not about Dawson but that it was over.

I told him I was going to Shannon's and that I'd be staying at her place. He just quietly nodded his head before replying, "So this is it then?"

At the time it hadn't quite struck me how emotionless it all seemed.

We'd been involved for over 8 years and he wasn't going to ask anything else, didn't seem to want to know why or what had changed. He just mumbled something about how it wasn't working out; life had a way of running away from you and before you know it something that seemed so promising was reduced to being nothing more than a convenience.

Is it wrong for me to have left where he worked feeling slightly annoyed at him? How could he not have said anything sooner? Was he content enough to just live as things were until one of us got fed up?

I couldn't help but chuckle at the irony of it all as I rode in a cab on the way to Shannon's. Dawson's grand plan for revenge wouldn't have really worked anyway. Perhaps I was only laughing at the sadness of the whole situation.

Within a few hours Shannon was up to speed on more or less all the details of my past and of what the current situation was and to say she was surprised would be an understatement. She was pretty much speechless which was a first.

After that night I stayed with Shannon and spoke with Pacey a few times about picking up my stuff, any furniture I was taking would be shipped to Capeside.

Dawson did call the next day and to be honest, I hadn't been that worried that he wouldn't call. We talked for a little while about everything and nothing at all and he asked if I wanted to go for coffee and we did.

After we'd been seated for a few moments I told him that I'd broken it off with Pacey and that it was amicable, if not somewhat eerie and I explained how it had seemed like our relationship hadn't mattered. Not that I had wanted Pacey to be hurt by the break up, but was I asking for too much for some sign that he had cared about me? For him to even ask what had brought about this change?

It kinda shed a new light on how in the end, the hurt we'd caused Dawson was for nothing, at least that's how it started to feel.

I apologized to Dawson for even voicing any of this to him and he told me not to worry about it, I was entitled to feel my own feelings and to acknowledge them. We'd see where we ended up but for the moment we concentrated on our friendship.

It wasn't easy, what should anyone expect after that? For me to up sticks and move to Canton with Dawson or for me to have kicked Pacey out and have Dawson move in? Or for Dawson and I just to move in, anywhere together?

But it wasn't that simple.

Our relationship had been nonexistent for nine years, whatever remnants there were from the years before seemed as though they were from a different time. I guess there are also times when it feels like it happened to someone else.

In a sense it did.

And maybe we wouldn't have been back together dating if it hadn't been for that one night just before Christmas. I was still living at Shannon's and Dawson was sharing an apartment with an old friend from college.

This night in particular Dawson and I had planned to go to the movies and there was some sort of confusion of the meeting arrangements, my thinking I was meeting him there.

I remember feeling anxious at the prospect of seeing Dawson that night as I stepped out of the shower. Things seemed to be going well for us but I didn't want to push anything, that didn't mean I wasn't going to make an effort to look great.

For almost an hour I had agonized over what to wear and ended up running late, so when I heard the knock on the door as I was passing through the hallway I couldn't help but feel panicked. I didn't have time for getting dressed let alone any interruptions.

Tiptoeing I looked through the peephole, surprised to see Dawson standing there, his scarf and gloves in one hand as he loosened the top button on his jacket.

"What the hell is he doing here?" I mumbled under my breath, not entirely disappointed to see him. Without thinking I opened the door. "Hey." I said once the door was open and I didn't quite register the way his eyes seemed to travel down my body and back up. I saw it but it didn't occur to me in that moment that I was wearing just a towel. "What are you doing here?"

"I called earlier and asked Shannon to let you know I'd pick you up."

"She never told me." I began as I closed the door behind him. "Mind you, she wasn't home when I got in."

We stood in the hallway for a moment, I somehow felt disorientated and he looked at me expectantly.

"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked him.

He just shook his head and as I stood looking at him, my gaze on his I became aware of how close our bodies really were. I suddenly felt heady, wanting to touch him or kiss him and I wasn't sure but I thought I could see lust in his eyes.

In that moment as I contemplated what to do or say, fate seemed to step in just at the same moment I became aware of the fact I was only wearing a towel and it began to slip.

His reflexes were quick and he caught it, wrapping it around me. My senses were on edge at how close he was and I bit my lip.

There was something almost erotic about my almost nudity and his being fully clothed.

As his hands retreated one of them grazed my arm and the contact of skin on skin seemed to send a jolt through me. I wondered if he felt it, if he could read the desire in my eyes.

It became too much for both of us and within moments we were kissing, our lips moving against each others and the towel fell, lying in a heap on the floor as I interlaced my arms around his neck and his tightened around my waist. The kiss intensified until our tongues were exploring without hesitation, I backed against a wall and one of his hands moved to my breast, his fingers lightly circling the nipple.

We broke the kiss, both of us breathless and our eyes locked.

"I guess we're gonna miss the movie." I said with a grin on my face.

He nodded his head. "I knew we were going to be running late the minute I saw you weren't dressed." I looked at him puzzled and he continued, "The movie starts in about 20 minutes, by the time you got dressed we'd have missed the beginning."

"We could always hope for the later showing?" I told him licking my lips as my eyes drifted from his eyes to his lips and back again.

"I wasn't all that enthusiastic about seeing it; I can wait for the video." He says as his face moves closer to mine.

"Me too." I replied before bringing my lips up to meet his as he continued his ministrations on my breasts, alternating between the two as I tried to extract him from his jacket. "Too many clothes!" I managed to mumble against his lips as I pulled at his jumper and felt that he had a t-shirt on underneath.

"Sorry." He laughed. "It's freezing out there and I wasn't counting on being seduced in your hallway."

"I did not sed-" My words were cut off when I felt his fingers move between my legs. I wasn't going to argue a minor detail with a guy when he was doing that to me.

That was saved for afterwards after we'd both had our fill of each other and after I'd found the note Shannon had pinned to the refrigerator saying Dawson would stop by to pick me up and that the movie wasn't at the time I expected it to be at.

On the one hand I should have been annoyed that Shannon hadn't given me the message herself but on the other hand the girl deserved a big hug after what happened with me and Dawson.

Within a few weeks of our dating I realised that we were still those same people we'd been all those years before at the core, just a little older, a little wiser. He'd freely acknowledged that he wasn't the same person he had been when he was younger. His ideals, his perspective on life had dramatically changed. What might have gone unchecked by most people who knew me was the fact that over the years my outlook had changed too.

Funny how people I'd seen everyday for years hadn't really seen it or acknowledged it, yet Dawson had.

After we'd been dating for a few months we made the decision to move in together, I know some people would say that was extremely fast considering, but we weren't caring what other people thought.

Well, with the exception of Aunt Gwen.

I was sort of scared when Dawson asked me to go with him to Canton so he could pack up some of his stuff and I knew he had read that by my reaction. He assured me everything would be fine, Gwen still loved me as if I had been born into their family, even after everything.

Nonetheless I was still somewhat wary of seeing her again but it was fine. She just appeared happy that Dawson seemed to be moving on, that he looked happy.

We'd been up in the attic in Gwen's house when the phone call came through on my cell phone from the realtor telling me that the house we had planned to buy in Westchester had fallen through at the last minute. We'd both been gutted as we thought the two bedroom house was perfect for us but I seemed to be able to shrug it off after a moment, "we'll find something better." I told him.

He didn't respond and only gave me a funny look.

"What?"

"Nothing." Dawson replied as he went back to packing some things away in a box, occasionally glancing back at me again.

"Do I suddenly have a second head?"

"No."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" He asked slightly confused.

"The way you are now." I replied, rolling my eyes at him.

"I wasn't aware I was looking at you in a particular way."

"Okay." I said as I assembled a new box. "What were you thinking?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Who are you and what did you do with the Joey Potter I used to know?"

I guess I must have just looked at him in bewilderment.

"You sounded too optimistic considering we were supposed to move into that house in a few weeks."

Shrugging my shoulders lightly I replied, "No point fretting over it."

You teach me how to feel

It feels all right

There's nothing left to fear

Finding myself

"Now you're starting to freak me out." He said with a serious look on his face before he asked, "When'd you start to think like that?"

"When I realized there's no point dwelling on things outwith my control because whatever happens, happens for a reason and normally leads to better things." I told him as I moved towards him, encircling his waist with my arms. "And you should always hope for the best." I finished before leaning up to kiss him softly on the lips. "If something's meant for you it won't pass you by."

After I finished I tiptoed to kiss him again, this time the kiss was lingering and he tightened his arms around my back.

"And well, Shannon says she doesn't mind letting us have free reign of her apartment, she's gotten quite used to staying with Derek."

"So we're really doing her a favor?"

"Oh yeah." I assured him. "That's why I'm not so annoyed that we didn't get the house. Just take it as a sign that we'd have been miserable living there." I smiled at him and he smiled back before his expression turned serious.

"There's somewhere I need to go." He said still holding me.

"Okay." I replied closing my eyes, knowing it would be difficult for him. "Do you want to go alone?"

I felt him shake his head a little. "No, I want you to come with me." He replied and I give him a gentle squeeze.

As the sunlight shimmered across the creek I drove the hire car down a familiar road. The road that led us to the place where Mitch and Gale were laid to rest, Mom's there too. Quickly I glanced at him, saw his eyes were still closed and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about. Where had his mind taken him to?

Was he recalling how they were that last day? Happy, content, finally having a second chance. Or did he wonder where he would be right now if it hadn't happened?

Parking the car I stayed silent. He needed the private time.

A few minutes passed and I looked at him again to see his eyes were open and he was staring straight ahead.

"They were so happy that day." He finally said breaking the silence that had been present since we left the B&B. "I wonder if they were happier then than the first time they'd gotten married."

I placed one of my hands over his and squeezed it lightly, remaining quiet because I knew he needed this time. One thing I could never begrudge him is time.

It's the one thing I knew I could give him, I assured his therapist of that the first time I met him.

Exactly ten years ago today our lives were forever changed. The day I left town with Pacey, the day Dawson set me free, neither of us realizing the impact those seemingly smallish (in the grander scheme of things) acts would have.

For ten years he's had to live without his parents and I know the rest of his life would be filled with 'what if's'.

If anyone knew this it was me.

The further I go

Towards you

I still wonder where she would be if she were still alive. Where would I be? Is it possible that by changing the one event that brought Dawson and I to the level of closeness we developed, would have adversely affected our lives course?

I found it hard to even imagine never being as close to him as we were before hormones started to take over.

You teach me how to love

Parts of myself

I hated for so long

Loving myself

Through loving you

"I guess it's time." Dawson said and I turned to look at him, my eyes locking with his. It's funny how yesterday his eyes were clear and blue, obviously one of the times he wasn't thinking about coming here. And now, my eyes search his and they're somewhat clouded.

His eyes really are the window to his soul, to his emotions.

I turned a little in my seat and reached out to caress his cheek. "For some reason it's harder being here again for the first time than it was the day they were buried." I began as my free hand clasped his. "It doesn't matter how long it has been since they died because all you think of is what lies beneath the surface of where you stand.

I no longer live like a man in the dark

Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart

Whereby I'm holding on

"I tried to convince myself that it'd be easier once I was here." He said as a tear trickled down his cheek and he somehow managed a small smile as he put on a brave face, but his eyes had already betrayed him. I could read them.

"It's never easy." I told him as I felt tears sting the corner of my eyes. "You recall how it felt back then, when having them beside you was so fresh in your mind and you remember how it's felt everyday since then to live without them."

"How did you get through that?" He asked.

"Somehow you learn to accept it." I assured him. "Maybe not in the beginning or now, but there will come a time when you haven't thought about it in so long, be it a few days or weeks and then suddenly it enters your mind. And all at once it's like it just happened yesterday. The emotions are just as real. It never truly goes away but it doesn't hurt so much as time goes on."

He nodded his head and I squeezed his hand again. "I guess now is as good a time as any."

"We could sit here for a few more minutes." I offered.

"Nah, the longer I sit here for the harder it's going to get to actually go."

"Do you want me to wait here?" I asked him again and he shook his head.

Letting go of my hand we exited the car and I couldn't help thinking of how it was a nice day, much like it was back then. Some things never change.

We walked through the cemetery in silence, past the rows of headstones, our fingers intertwined. At one point as we reached a fork in the path Dawson stopped walking.

"It's this way." I told him and we started moving down the path again.

Whereby I'm holding on to you

Would then have been an appropriate time to tell him that I'd always been there on this day of the year ever since it happened? Maybe I had been hoping that one time I'd be there he would too. Then I'd somehow have been there for him.

"Jen called earlier." Dawson told me breaking me from my thoughts.

"How is she?"

"She's doing great just wanted to let me know she was thinking of me." He said and I just nodded my head. "She told me to say hi."

I wasn't quite sure what to say, it's not that I was jealous he still had contact with her or anything. Sometimes it was just hard knowing that if only I'd never given up on calling him that maybe we'd have managed to reconnect sooner. No sooner has the thought crossed my mind than I felt guilty. He went through so much pain that day and for so many days afterwards and I was thinking of myself.

"I sometimes wonder how things would have been different if you'd been here that day." His voice low when he speaks before he continues. "Even now I can't help but wonder about that. Where would we both be if things had been different that day?"

Unsure if he was looking for an answer I remained silent as we approached the place where his parents lay.

Standing above their final resting place we stayed silent, part of me wondered if it would be one of those awkward silences, both of us permanently reminded of where we were at that moment in time. But it wasn't awkward, it was comfortable.

All at once I found I couldn't describe exactly how I felt. Sadness, relief and love had washed over me, as though the ghosts of the past were somehow being laid to rest here.

They had been like parents to me and I wondered how they would react to how everything has worked out, would they have given Dawson and I their blessing after everything?

I stroked his wrist reassuringly, knowing only too well how hard all of this was.

After a while I felt him wrap an arm around my waist and he managed a small smile.

"Are you okay?" I asked breaking the silence.

Nodding his head he replied, "I'm a lot better than I thought I would be."

"Are you ready to leave?"

"Yeah." He replied and we started to walk back towards the car, our fingers still intertwined. "How about we go for a little walk before heading back to the B&B?"

"Okay." I responded.

We ended up walking around for about thirty minutes, walking passed the swing set, I couldn't help but remember how we ended up their on our first date and I caught Dawson smiling out of the corner of my eye.

It was nice to know that despite how he may have envisioned this return trip would only dredge up sadness that he had been able to think of something happy.

"It seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?" Dawson asked finally breaking the silence.

"And at the same time it feels like it could have been just yesterday."

He nodded his head in agreement. "You know I was so nervous that night. We'd already kissed but there seemed to be more pressure on that next kiss."

"That's because after that first kiss there was so much time to dwell on when the next one would come." I enlightened him, remembering a conversation I had had with Bessie many moons ago as we sat on a park bench. "I was pretty nervous then too."

"What about now?"

"Am I nervous?" I asked and he nodded his head. "About kissing you?" He nodded his head again. "I rather look forward to it." I replied leaning in towards him with a sly grin as I clutched at the collar of his shirt.

Who knows if he'll ever want to return to Capeside after this, but at least he'd leave with a few new happy memories, I couldn't help but think as my lips moved softly with his.

Once the kiss was broken I gazed lovingly into his eyes, seeing love reflected in his. "Should we head back to the car?" I asked and he shook his head.

You teach me to forgive

It feels all right

Compassion for your pain

Compassion for mine

The circle divides

"Let's wait a few minutes." He said as he wrapped an arm around my waist and we sat back against the bench, watching the flow of the creek for a moment before he broke the silence, "Will you marry me?" He asked and I was slightly taken aback.

Actually, I was completely shocked and the look on my face must have reflected that.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out and he lightly chuckled.

"Have I rendered you speechless?" He asked, rather pleased with himself.

"Yes." I replied after a moment and he looked at me rather expectantly.

"Which question were you answering?"

Turning in my seat I tugged on his collar again, bringing my lips to meet his briefly.

"The second one?" He asked and I lightly kissed him again. "The first one?" He enquired grinning and I kissed him again, this time it was deep and passion filled.

I no longer live like a man in the dark

Holding all the pieces of my broken heart

Whereby I'm holding on

Whereby I'm holding on to you

Whereby I'm moving on

Whereby I'm moving on to you

*Darren Hayes - feel*

Who cared if we're in public? The man I loved has just proposed to me.

"Clarification would be nice, Jo."

Again, I just kissed him lightly before gently biting on his lower lip.

"If we keep this up there'll be no wedding 'cuz we'll be doing this until we're old and gray."

"My answer was to both questions." I informed him as I stroked his cheek. "I love you and I pretty much want to spend the rest of my life with you. Time spent apart showed me that."

"Good, because I love you too." He smiled at me before he devoured my lips with his own. "We'll go ring shopping once we're home."

"We'll be doing other things once we're home." I assured him with a cocky grin as we walked in the direction of where the car was parked.

"Is that a promise?"

"It's a guarantee." I told him as we walked arm in arm down beside the creek we had grown up beside.

Sometimes it's nice to lay old demons to rest; it enables us to move on with our lives and only then can we truly appreciate what we have, what we almost missed out on.

A lifetime with the only guy I've ever really loved, the one who has known me best. Now I can't ever comprehend where I'd be if it weren't for him.

*the end.*