AN: While reading this fic, to catch up to where I left off I found many, many things I would have liked to change in the first two chapters, including the tense (I hate writing in past tense), but I decided not to make any alterations because it was my very first time writing slash.

In my estimation, this fic should only be about 5 more chapters, unless I decide to add something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. This story is intended for mature audiences only.

Cullen818 is the best. Thanks for reading and loving my slash.

Caution: Extreme Emoward ahead.

Chapter 3 – (EPOV)

I woke up with a killer headache. My head pounded ceaselessly, I felt nauseous and every bone in my body ached. It wasn't because Jasper and I had pillaged booze from the adults and I had a nasty hangover, it also wasn't because Jasper and I had mind-blowing sex all night.

My migraine had nothing to do those things, and everything to do with simply just thinking about what I had to do today. My body was rejecting my plans in every possible way.

I had been holding onto Jasper for the last twenty minutes trying to figure out how I was going to escape him today.

Physically and mentally.

He had captured me, and I didn't want him to let me go. I knew he wasn't just another person that I would leave behind. Without wanting him to, in such a short time, he had come to mean a great deal to me.

I had to remain optimistic that even though the thought of never seeing him again was devastating to me now, I would eventually move on.

I always had. I was strong like that…I had to be.

But that didn't mean I would forget.

Jasper turned around in my arms, so that I was no longer spooning him. He slung his arm over my stomach and laid his head on my chest, his untamed blond spirals tickled my shoulder and collarbone. He fell back into slumber with a contented sigh, and a quick peck on the skin that lay just over my heart. It twisted my gut at how right this felt.

My arms quickly wrapped around Jasper in our new position, and I held him to me a little too closely, and a little too tightly, as memories of yesterday assailed my mind.

XXXXX

After we had arrived back from our little canoeing expedition, we hung around for most of the afternoon finding various secluded places where we could talk, and snog.

Not that it really mattered to either of us where we were.

Jasper seemed to be very open about his orientation. He had no problem holding my hand, as we walked through the throng of relatives, or putting his arms around me as we stood in line for the buffet, but we kept it to simple touches around the others for the sake of his parents, Carlisle and Esme. Even though they hadn't asked anything of us or requested a certain behavior, Jasper loved his parents, as much as possible for a teenager, I supposed, and I, so far, held Carlisle and Esme in deep regard, so even remotely disrespecting them, especially in front of their family, wasn't an option.

We received a variety of responses to our open displays of affection. People watched us with mixtures of disgust, and scorn, but there were others that looked at us with admiration and happiness.

In any case, Jasper minded little to what other people thought, and neither did I.

I caught Carlisle and Esme watching us when Jasper I were having another "staring moment". Yeah, we had these often throughout the day. We just gazed at each other without speaking.

I had been leaning against a tree at the time, and Jasper was standing about a foot away from me, one of my hands being gripped loosely by his fingertips. We stared into each others' eyes while different emotions flitted over our faces, wordlessly transmitting unspoken thoughts to each other. I had glanced over to find Carlisle and Esme watching us, their heads were bent close together in conversation, and their expressions indiscernible. My eyes flickered away from them and back to Jasper, unconcerned. Being gay wasn't something I was going to feel bad for, and since I wasn't publicly molesting Jasper in front of his relatives there was absolutely nothing for me to feel repentant about.

Whatever they were discussing didn't affect me. No one was going to ruin my happiness today. My life had been such an utter disappointment up until now, I only had so much joy in my life, and I wouldn't begrudge myself a day to bask in the glory that was Jasper Whitlock, knowing that tomorrow I would again be held accountable for my responsibilities.

Jasper and I found quiet places to talk on the beach, and in the dense forest surrounding each side of the camp. Our talks had no limits; no subject was left untouched, as we thirsted to learn everything about each other. In these conversations I found that Jasper and I not only had a magnitude of stuff in common, but that in each passing moment, and in every innocent conversation, I was falling deeper for him.

The way that he talked, the way he smiled and laughed, the way his eyes shone when he looked at me, the way he always found an excuse to touch me, made my heart swell.

I knew I would be leaving a part of me behind here, and I would always have a special place in my heart for this campsite.

I learned that Jasper only lived two and a half hours away, and that he would be attending Northwestern in the fall, which happened to be one of the schools that Carlisle had suggested for me. So, invariably the theme of our conversations would turn to him and me taking turns going back and forth to each other's house until we could find housing together.

He constantly brought up how cool it was going to be living together, and how much fun we were going to have, and I had no doubt that he would have been correct in his assumptions, if that were actually going to happen.

Damn. The very idea of going to school with Jasper…living with Jasper…sleeping in the same bed with Jasper every single night sent pleasure-riddled shivers down my spine.

I attempted to evade topics that led to such illusions, but time and time again Jasper would bring up a fairy tale future, where he and I had a chance to ride off into the sunset together. Each fleeting comment made me cringe with fear and anxiety of the dreaded discussion, where I would tell him that we did not have a future together.

If I was any kind of man at all, I would have stopped him right then and there, and explained my predicament. If he became adamant that things could work…if he put up any type of argument…I would have been steadfast and resolute.

But I wasn't a man.

I was a wimp…and I was a greedy prick. It didn't matter what would happen tomorrow, how Jasper would feel…

I wanted what I wanted.

Simple, right? Hardly. The war between right and wrong was raging, but my conscious always fell short in each battle, giving way to a selfishness I had never known existed in me.

Jasper was my golden devil. I felt like he brought out the worst in me. He made me forget about simple human courtesies, like compassion and remorse. I had also never felt like my responsibility to Jane was a burden, but he was making me question that too.

But…goddamn him…I could not walk away. So when the future was broached, I bit my tongue, swallowed back all my retorts, and gave a perfunctory smile and nod before veering off topic once again.

At the campfire last night, they continued the Cullen/Hale ritual of roasting marshmallows, with the option of eating them right off of the stick, or the epically disgusting tradition of smushing them between two graham crackers and a Hershey bar.

We fed each other our burnt marshmallows. Both of us attempting to outdo one another in eating the sticky mess seductively, attempting to turn the other one on. Instead, we would both end up laughing at each other. After a sickening bloated feeling, we both conceded victory to each other and made our way back to the cabin, stopping only to grope, fondle, kiss and lick. We were almost to the cabin before we were stopped by Carlisle.

"Edward, can I speak with you for just a moment?"

I grudgingly pulled away from Jasper. "I'll meet you there." I said with a wink.

He smiled shyly back. My stomach coiled.

What the hell does he do to me?

I turned back to Carlisle. "What's up?" I asked casually. He seemed nervous about something.

"Edward, I know that you and Jasper like each other, and I just want to make sure that umm…well if you plan on…umm…yeah…that you have this." He thrust a little brown paper bag into my hand, with a slight blush covering his face.

I looked down into the sack to see a small bottle and some condoms. Oh, holy fuck.

This was awkward.

Carlisle turned serious. "We care about you Edward and we just want you to be safe. I am happy that you and Jasper are getting along. He doesn't live that far away y'know?"

"Yeah…that is what I hear…umm…thanks Carlisle. I appreciate this." And I did. I didn't think anyone had ever done something for me that they didn't ultimately gain from themselves.

Carlisle slapped me on the back, and walked away without another word, probably happy that conversation had been dealt with. I could take some serious lessons from a man like him.

I had walked to the cabin slowly, thinking about Carlisle and Esme. They were really starting to care about Jane and me. I mean, I think they had cared for us since we had been with them, but it seemed like they were starting to get attached. I was hoping that maybe Jane and I could stay in contact with them after we left.

When I had sauntered into the dismal cabin my eyes lit upon a bit of sunshine. Jasper was lying on the cot in just his boxers, his arms were folded underneath his head, and my eyes were drawn to the small tuft of coarse blond hair underneath his arms. I had an urge to lick it.

Was that weird?

With a mental shrug, I threw the contents of what was in my hand on the bed, and stripped to my underwear. I hadn't hesitated on climbing on top of Jasper, smirking.

He perused the goodies I had lobbed at him. He looked properly appalled, as he examined the commodities. "Is this why Carlisle stopped you?" He asked with wide eyes. I nodded in response.

He threw back his head and laughed. "Oh man, that must have been one helluva conversation." He hooted with laughter, and I joined him, finding the humor in it myself.

His hand was lying up over his head, so I bent down and gave into my earlier desire and licked the inside of his armpit. The laughter died in his throat and I heard him gasp. He hadn't immediately shut me down, so I tried it again this time going a little deeper.

We had gone swimming earlier, so there was no trace of deodorant, just pure Jasper when I licked again. He hissed, and his breathing seemed shallow. "Edw…what're you doin'?" He panted.

"Do you like that baby?" I asked, truly curious.

He flipped me over, so I was beneath him. The hilarity of the previous topic was long gone from his expression, and had been replaced by a thick fog of lust and another unnamed emotion I didn't bother trying to identify.

Ignorance is bliss, but I wasn't known for being naïve, so I just chose to overlook whatever he was trying to simulate through eye contact. Focusing solely on the lust, I roamed my hands up his torso reveling in his soft silky skin and scent. His midnight blue eyes prodded mine, as he slowly bent his head and took a languid stroke from the top of my pit to the bottom.

I groaned at just the pure forbiddance of it. The inhibited area was sensitive to his velvet tongued strokes. He took my response as a sign of pleasure, and dipped back in, but in Jasper fashion, he took it one step further. He flicked the center with his tongue in a rapid motion over and over, and the feeling was sublime. When he nipped the skin on the inside of my bicep my body jumped with the unanticipated primal action.

He lifted his head with a chuckle, but his expression changed to annoyance, as he shimmied over me, trying to find a comfortable spot on the poor excuse of a mattress.

"It will be so nice when my knees aren't smashed into wood when we are making out. I can't wait until I have you in my big 'ol bed at home." Even though I knew it was an impossible occurrence, the thought of Jasper and I in a huge comfortable bed, made me moan loudly. He grinned devilishly, and bent his head to capture my lips with his own.

Jasper clasped the underside of my chin in his hand, as his tongue lazily explored the interior of my mouth. After a breathless moment, he lifted his head a fraction, and with a look of confused astonishment he whispered, "Edward…I…" He looked almost…lost, he shook his head, and then his lips crashed back down on mine as he plundered my mouth for treasures he apparently thought were hidden there. His tongue begged to go deeper and deeper, my arms squeezed around him tightly matching his desperate actions.

His lips left mine, and trailed down my jaw, just below my ear. "Edward", he whispered simply in my ear before he continued a frenetic path down my neck. When he got to the fresh bite mark on my shoulder his lips softened, and he placed a chaste kiss on it before he licked the length of it. It was still sore, and I hoped it would be for a while.

My hands found their way into his curly tresses, while he took turns with my nipples, suckling, plucking and nibbling. His hands roamed the back of my thigh, starting at the knee and sliding up toward my boxers. His fingertips found their way underneath the fabric, squeezing the globed flesh tenderly.

He lifted his gaze to me, hazy with rampant desire. "Baby…are you sore from yesterday?"

Fuck! It didn't matter. Tonight I would get to love him.

"It's not so bad," I managed to spit out.

As if testing the waters, he dipped his finger into my ass crack and pressed on my anus. "Fuck," I hissed unintentionally.

Okay, so it was bad.

His face fell into my stomach, and he growled. Thinking he was upset that he couldn't fuck me, I immediately tried to placate him. "Really, we can still do it. I'm okay."

Jasper lifted his head, and I was shocked to see his moist eyes. He slams his fist into the "mattress", and I hear the thump of his knuckles hitting wood. "Goddammit. No you're not Edward." He made his way back up my body, so that our eyes were level. He laid his palm against my cheek. "I am so fucking sorry darlin'. I should have taken more care of you yesterday. This is all my fault." He lowered his forehead to mine, anguish written all over his features. "I am so sorry I hurt you. I will never, ever hurt you again."

I could have cried right there…wept like a fucking baby.

"It's okay Jas." My voice shook with emotion.

"It's not fucking okay, Edward." He said angrily, but I knew he wasn't mad at me, he was angry with himself. After several minutes of staying stationary his harsh breathing mellowed into a steady rhythm.

When his eyes met mine they had softened considerably, and in fact, they had a gleam to them. What was he up to? He picked up the lube, courtesy of Carlisle, and feigned extreme interest in the label. "Do you…umm…want to…umm…do it to me?"

Huh?

"What?" I hissed, and watched as Jasper turned cherry red under my scrutiny. Is this guy for real?

"Jas?" I questioned. I knew from our conversations that Jasper was a firm top. The fact that he was willing to bottom for me was amazing, and fuck, did I want to, but I knew that even though I was pretending everything was hunky dory today, there is no way I could leave Jasper tomorrow after doing something so significant with him. He would never trust another guy.

The thought of Jasper's next boyfriend brought a hollow feeling to my chest.

"Do you?" He asked shyly. I, ineffectively, tried to block the visions, so thoughts of making love to Jasper filled my mind, making my eyes pinch shut and a surge of heat run through me like a tidal wave. Fuck yeah, I wanted to fuck his brains out, I wanted to drive my cock into his sweet ass until I forgot everything but me and him, but we didn't always get everything we wanted, and I had stolen enough from him already.

"Jasper." I rolled over, taking him with me, so that I was hovering over him, and he looked a little frightened. It made me want to smile. Almost.

I cupped his cheeks. "Jasper, I would love to make love to you…but not yet." I hated to lie, but this wasn't the time for that conversation.

I could only hope that when I did fuck someone that they would mean as much to me as this boy underneath me did. I kissed him soundly, making sure that my tongue touched every recess in his mouth. I never wanted to forget what he tasted like. I pulled my head up, and stared into his face, unbeknownst to him, since his eyes remained shut.

Stunning. Fucking exquisite.

I bent my head again and whispered against his lips, "Jas, gorgeous, beautiful, Jas, I want to taste you again…is that okay?"

He answered by moaning into my kiss.

My tongue made a slow journey down his torso, making several pit stops along the way before I reached the results of my languorous adoration of his body. Jasper was rock fucking hard and throbbing. I grabbed him by the base of his shaft and licked the pearl of moisture on the tip. Jasper moaned loudly above me, bucking up into my fist. "Fuck Edward…I want to taste you too."

He sat up, and switched positions so that we were poised to give each other blowjobs simultaneously. I dazedly watched Jasper slowly lick up and down my shaft, covering the entire surface with his saliva. His tongue and lips licked and sucked greedily along the entire length. He wrapped his lips around the rim of my head, and then flicked the sensitive knob over and over again with his tongue. Enraptured, I studied his tongue as it poked out and slashed the glans over and over again, like a kitten lapping at a saucer of milk.

He glimpsed up at me with his heavy lidded eyes. Fuck, he was so sexy.

I was getting ready to spill, and I wondered briefly if he would be ready to cum with me. Uh, yeah, that thought finally broke me from my spell. I had been in a trance watching this magnificent man worship my cock that I hadn't so much as touched him in return.

I cursed my inexperience, knowing I had to catch him up, but I took it as a challenge. I sucked Jasper's head into my mouth, humming around him, just loving the taste and texture that was Jasper. In reaction he moaned, and it sent a delicious vibration through my cock. My stomach jumped sporadically, and I was forced to halt all actions momentarily, as I fought to not explode in Jasper's mouth. Once I felt confident I wouldn't cum prematurely I warned him.

"Slow down there Jas. Please…"

He didn't say anything, but he took my dick out of his mouth, and placed chaste kisses all over it. I went back to what I was doing, sucking Jasper full into my mouth. I took all the length that I could, and gripped the rest in a fist. I hollowed my cheeks, as I bobbed up and down his shaft, twisting slightly each time I reached his head. I cupped his sac, rolling his nuts around in my hand gently, as I continued to suck him into oblivion. Jasper must have been getting close, because he started working me over again.

He was a fucking pro. It took all but two seconds for me to be in the same situation that I had been when I asked him to slow it down.

As I massaged his balls, my hand skimmed over to the other side, barely grazing his puckered offering. I wanted to touch it. I inch my hand closer and closer to his entrance. I was nervous, and I had plenty of reasons to be. I had never done it before, I had no idea what I was doing, Jasper was a top, and I definitely did not want to hurt him, but I was also a very curious seventeen-year-old gay boy, and that was enough to trump any reason not to.

I pressed my finger up against his hole, rubbing over the tight opening with my fingertip. Jasper must have liked it because he groaned and mumbled something around my dick. I hesitated, but threw caution to the wind and stuck my finger in up to the first knuckle, moving it around to get a feel for things in there.

Before I could make an assessment, Jasper whimpered around my cock, and started moving his hips in an erotic rhythm.

He liked it, and it urged me to move forward, by pushing my finger in further. It was warm, slick, and very tight. Yep, I think my dick would definitely like this. The muscle tensed up and clenched around my finger.

I dared to press another finger in. He groaned thickly, and I couldn't tell whether it was from pain or pleasure. "Does that hurt?"

"Yes…oh God, but don't stop." And instantly I knew what he was talking about.

It hurt so good.

But it didn't stop me from remembering yesterday, so I grasped the discarded bottle of lube at the end of the bed, and applied some to my fingertips quickly.

I resumed my position, and slowly pumped two fingers in and out of his ass. I peeked at Jasper, and watched as his eyes rolled back in his head. It was so fucking hot watching him give me head while his desire spiked. He wasn't as fluid, he wasn't as confident, or snarky in his actions. He became a greenhorn…his desperation and urgency made him seem like a novice, and I loved making him lose control.

I thought briefly about slowing down, so I could savor him longer, but I could see in his eyes that I had already past the point of no return. The primitive need shone in his eyes, like a man who would go crazy if he wasn't given, what was determined now, as a living necessity. His hand ran urgently along my side, but then made a trail roughly up his own thigh, and over his chest. He pinched his own nipple, and I was done. His hand ran errant circles along the planes of his stomach, as I worked over him in a frenzy.

His cock stiffened, and he let out a strangled moan. I pulled out, not because I didn't love the taste and texture of his essence, but because I wanted to see his spunk shoot out of his dick.

Just in the nick of time, I was pelleted with ribbons of creamy cum. The first couple streams carried a lot of velocity. I laid back to watch, so the first jet landed on my shoulder and beyond. Instinctually, I started to look behind me, to see where the rest of it had landed, but just then another spurt shot onto my chest as his dick continued to spasm in my steely grip, and my eyes became glued to the scene once again. The next one landed on his trembling stomach, and then I watched the rest dribble out as I continued to stroke his shaft slowly.

Even through his orgasm he continued to stroke me, albeit a little roughly, but it mattered NOT, because watching him in the throes of his ecstasy catapulted me into my own, and with a series of whimpers I watched as he rolled my seizing cock around his face, letting my jizz blanket his lips, cheeks and eyelids.

XXXXX

I grasped my hardened dick in my hand, remembering what Jasper had looked like with my cum all over his beautiful face. I attempted to soothe the ache away, but it did little to assuage the building need for release.

There would be none of that today.

I look down at his sleeping form with emotions that I had buried so deep I didn't think they would ever resurface. I never thought I would care, or want someone to care about me, as much as I had for Jasper, and in such a short amount of time.

He could become my life if I let him…but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I couldn't saddle him with the life that had become my destiny since I was fifteen, when my fuck-up parents left Jane and I alone and scared.

Jane. I had to think of her.

Jasper wouldn't want to be tied down to raising a little girl, and Jane would always be my first priority. I promised her I would take care of her, that once I was old enough, we wouldn't have to rely on anyone else.

I looked down on Jasper's sleeping form, and I fought back the tears welling in my eyes once again, and I knew the act would be no stranger to me today, not breaking down would be something that I would constantly have to strive for.

I've never had a problem with goodbyes. I had left a lot of people in my life. I could do it without emotion…completely indifferent even. As one of the tears spilt over, I knew that this was not going to be a goodbye I would ever forget.

I didn't know how I was going to say goodbye. I didn't want him to try to talk me out of ending whatever the hell it was that we had started here. I feared that he wouldn't even have to try, and that I would give up all my goals in an effort as to not deny him.

He could make me change my mind, he could change my plans…my future.

I wriggled out of his embrace reluctantly, needing to clear my head, and having Jasper curled up in my arms was not helping in any way. I sat on the edge of the bed, with my elbows on my knees, and my head in my hands.

I knew it was very possible that I would take the coward's way out, by leaving him without saying goodbye at all. He would be so fucking pissed…and hurt, but Jasper was hot, sexy, and loving., so I had no doubt that he would find the perfect guy one day. I wouldn't be conceited enough to think I could scar him, so I tried to convince myself that what harm could there really be? But deep down, I knew better. I was sure Jasper cared for me, and I really had no idea how much he would be affected by a non-verbal, one-sided, goodbye.

A note.

I could leave a note. It wouldn't be ideal, by any means, but it may be the best option for me.

I could hear Jasper stirring behind me. "You okay darlin'?" He whispered. He inched forward, so that he could reach my back, rubbing slow, comforting circles along my spine. Except they weren't comforting. They made me feel nauseous. I didn't deserve his tenderness.

I picked my head up, but I didn't turn to look at him, instead opting to stare out the screened door. My eyes followed a rip in the mesh with rapt interest. I knew if I turned around and gazed into those amazingly beautiful blue eyes I would crumble. "I need to go see what Janie is up to." I said with more force than necessary. At my tone, his hand stopped moving on my back, but he must have brushed it off because after a pregnant pause it began moving again, in the same lazy pattern.

I chanced a look at him, and it was a mistake. He looked confused. My eyes shut briefly in an effort to stave off the onslaught of feelings his expression had brought on. I rose quickly to my feet, but I couldn't stop myself from turning back around, and sliding my hand to the back of his neck, pulling roughly at the hair at his nape. His head bent back under the pressure. Equal portions of desire and confusion were present in his eyes.

I promised myself there would be no sex, but this…this I could have. My lips crashed against his. His hand came up, and flattened against my cheek, sliding down to cup my jaw, as I had my way with his mouth. I devoured it. I was brutal, I was lewd, I raped it. I took everything and gave nothing. I was madder than hell, and I was taking it out on him.

As I realized this, I jumped away and mumbled an inadequate apology. I fled, telling him I would be back soon.

I ran back to the communal campsite, revolted by what I had just done. I exerted myself, running at full speed, searching for the burn in my throat, the cramping in my stomach, the surge of pain in the muscles of my legs - any kind of physical ache to penetrate the emotional turmoil attacking every fiber of my body.

Every pore oozed torment.

Each bone creaked with bitter despair.

Each organ clenched with anguished longing.

Each muscle weak with the harshness of reality.

I had nowhere to go…nowhere to hide from this…this fucking disastrous weekend. I was supposed to be bonding with my sister, not falling for a guy. I stopped, and turned in a slow, dizzying circle, I looked in every direction with disgust. My lack of fidelity to my responsibilities was displayed in every corner. Everything around me screamed Jasper and I.

East: The hammock that we had talked in for, what seemed like, hours.

South: The picnic table we found nestled in the wooded area, where we shared our lunch, and then made out on afterward.

West: Another "staring moment" along that large oak tree, which happened to be where I ultimately realized that I loved him.

I loved him.

My head spun, as my body twisted me in circles. I had always been happy, if not content with what my future held for me. I never wavered, I never asked for more…for anything different. Why could one weekend change everything I had ever planned on?

Light-headedly, I dropped to my knees. My eyes stung. "No tears" I warned my pathetic heart. I wouldn't fucking cry…not yet. I jumped to my feet, and continued running as if trying to escape Satan himself.

When I bounded out of the woods, I had felt like I had escaped a haunted forest occupied by ghosts with eerie voices, full of joyful laughter, playful roughhousing, quiet conversation, loud moans, and sexy drawls.

I knew then that I would never forget the timbre of his voice, or the sound of his throaty laugh.

I rounded the corner, huffing and puffing. I braced my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath, and when I picked up my head I saw my real reason for living.

Seeing Jane solidified everything that I was doing. She grounded me. Made me realize what was best for us. "Eddie, Eddie!" She exclaimed excitedly, running up to me with arms wide open.

"Hey puddin' pop, whatcha up to?" I asked, as I studied her face. One cheek had a butterfly painted on it, and the start of another work of art on her other cheek.

"We're getting our faces painted? Y'wanna get your face painted too?"

"Sure Janie, but I have to talk to Carlisle real fast, and then I'll be right back." I took off for the breakfast bar, knowing that is where he would be found. As expected, he was sitting at a table, but what wasn't expected was that he was sitting at a table with Jasper's dad. Shit.

"Hey son." I still winced when I heard him call me that, even though the use of the endearment wasn't meant to be taken literally. The yearning still hit a little too close to home.

I mean, what boy didn't want a dad?

"Hey." I said, as I dropped into the seat next to him, and across from Jasper's dad.

"Have you met Uncle Felix?" Why did he insist on making it sound like I was part of the family?

"Umm…no, it's nice to meet you." I said bashfully, as heat rushed to my face. Does he know what I am doing with his son?

I peeked up to see him smirking at me, looking as if he is going to burst out laughing at my evident discomfort.

Yep…he knew, and obviously didn't care two hoots.

"It's nice to meet you Edward. Carlisle tells me that you are the same age as Jasper. Y'know…Jasper will be going to Northwestern in the fall." The suggestive tone was well noted. "We'll be renting an apartment for him right down the street from campus…a two bedroom…I think."

Now I knew where Jasper got his subtlety. I just smiled and nodded, but they weren't done with me yet. "That's right…Edward doesn't know where he is going yet. Northwestern isn't that far away, y'know." Carlisle chimed to his brother-in-law, which was basically meant to put the idea in my head, but what they didn't understand was that they would have made just as much progress trying to plant the seed in cement.

"Nope." Uncle Felix agreed.

I glanced back and forth between the two of them. They both stared at me, waiting for…something. "Umm…yeah…umm…what time are we leaving?" Nicely done.

Carlisle looked confused, but answered anyway. "We thought we would get a head start on traffic, so probably after lunch. How about you?"

"I wish…Tawny is on the clean-up crew. We probably won't be outta here until late in the afternoon. So...you ready for another match?"

Carlisle and Felix had played tennis yesterday morning, and Carlisle started ribbing Felix about his two losses, and how he was going to smoke him again today. Felix jibed back about how Carlisle had cheated at least five times to earn those two wins.

It was fun watching their banter, and it made me forget temporarily about this afternoon.

Carlisle rose from his chair. "Have fun Edward." He patted me on the back. "But don't worry. You'll be able to see Jasper plenty when we get home - if you want." Carlisle and Felix smiled knowingly at each other.

Little did they know.

"Hey umm…Carlisle, do you have some paper and maybe a pen?" I asked.

Carlisle threw his duffel on the table, and rummaged through the contents. He pulled out a steno notebook, and a very expensive looking pen. I made a mental note not to lose the pen. "Oh, by the way, the kids had learned some songs over the weekend, and they are going to be giving the adults a recital at eleven by the campfire site. They should be rehearsing now." He squeezed my shoulder and walked away.

How come I didn't already know that? My neglect was like acid in my stomach.

I stared long and hard at the paper. No one had to remind me that this wasn't the right way to go about this. In the last five minutes, as I contemplated what I was going to say, I had called myself every name in the book. I was a selfish, pathetic bastard by not to wanting to face Jasper, and say the words.

I can't be with you.

I debated between writing something from my heart, but nixed it almost immediately because I didn't want him to try to contact me after we got back "home". The only other choices were to be callous, or indifferent. Both of those, tasted like a bitter pill.

Putting the pen to the paper, I resolved to get this distasteful task over with. I compromised by adding a little heart, a tiny bit insensitivity, and a tad of insouciance.

Wonderful. He was guaranteed to hate me after this.

I looked in disgust at the vacant, emotionless smatterings of words on the paper and reluctantly added my signature, folding it neatly into a small square. My heart constricted when I realized that I only had a couple hours left with him. Not wanting to waste anymore of our precious time together I searched for Jane to make sure she wasn't in want of anything.

I spotted her immediately…high above the throng of people, and I froze in place. I took slow steps closer, and as the crowd dismantled around her I could see her on the shoulders of another, and I knew that backside anywhere.

Jasper.

I must've said that out loud because he turned around and his bright blue eyes fell upon mine. The repulsive piece of paper in my hand crumpled, as the intensity of his gaze sent a lightning bolt of desire and longing through me.

I pushed the note deep within my pocket, and made my way over to them, never dropping eye contact. I realized then that I had to stop showing my heart on my sleeve. If I didn't change my attitude he was going to see right through that note, and try to pursue me after we left.

Once closer, I noticed that her and Jasper had matching art on their cheeks. My expression must have been funny because Jane and Jasper started laughing simultaneously.

Her head dropped down to Jasper's ear and she cupped her hand over her mouth and his ear, so I couldn't hear her secret. He chuckled at whatever she had said. "I think it is Edward's turn to get his face painted, don't you Janie?"

How could he have suffused himself in her little heart so soon too?

What is it about him?

"It's Jane."

"Huh?" He asked, perplexed.

"Her name…it's Jane." I said acerbically. No one called her Janie but me.

Who gave him the right to come in and turn our worlds upside down?

I hold out my hands to grab her, and Jasper leans down to assist. I tried really hard not to look in his eyes, but my eyes strayed to him of their own free will, and there was no mistaking the hurt and confusion.

"Do you…" He had to clear his throat to begin again. "Do you want me to come back later?" He said roughly.

"No. Don't go." I plead. His eyes widened at my decision, questioning me, I knew.

I recognized that I was giving him mixed signals. I was so mystified myself. I had never been in this situation before, and I found myself insufficiently experienced in knowing how to deal with it. "No one has ever called her Janie except me. I was just a little shocked to hear someone else call her that." I explained, as I grabbed the back of his hand, and kissed it briefly before dropping it.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" He trailed off, his eyes jumping from place to place.

What could he say? That he is sorry for calling my sister the same thing that I have been calling her all weekend long? What the hell was I doing? I had no fucking clue, but I knew I couldn't do this for the next three or four hours. I didn't think I could stand to look at that expression on his face for one second longer.

I took Jane's small hand in mine, and then I grabbed Jasper's large, masculine hand in my other. What I wouldn't give to walk through life just like this.

"No, I'm sorry." I said to Jasper fervently, but didn't offer any additional explanation, because I couldn't think of anything appropriate besides the truth. "C'mon, honey, let's go find Esme, apparently you have a rehearsal of some kind."

She stopped in her little tracks, and crossed her arms over her chest petulantly. "Who told you? It was supposed to be a surprise."

I bent down, and took in her pouty face. I mimicked it, jutting my lower lip out and making "sad eyes". She tried unsuccessfully to hide her smile.

"What're you talking about? It's the talk of the camp." Jasper said with a shrug. "I heard about it from at least four people before I found you sweetheart." He glimpsed up at me quickly. Probably to make sure that his new term of endearment didn't set me off again.

Did I mention that I was a dickhead?

Oh yeah, along with about a hundred other names I had called myself in the last hour.

"Really?" Her eyes were wide and excited.

"There you are." Esme cooed when she saw Jane. "We have a lot of stuff to do before the show. C'mon sugar."

Since I was still bent at the knees Jane clasped both of her palms on my cheeks, and planted a kiss on my nose, then ran to Esme.

Esme turned as they began to walk away. "Eleven o'clock, boys. Don't be late. I want to see you two in the front row."

After they departed Jasper and I stood in awkward silence. He knew something was up, but obviously, didn't know specifics. He started kicking the dirt at his feet, and I followed suit. "Jasper, I want to apologize again. I am in a crappy ass mood." He just shrugged, but his eyes remain fixed on the cloud of dust he created at his feet.

How the fuck am I going to do this?

XXXXX

As instructed, Jasper and I were front row, and center, for the concert. There were about twenty or so children ranging from four to ten participating.

I glanced over at Jasper who had a wide smile on his face from watching the eager kids fidget nervously, as the crowd multiplied to catch the display. Jasper's beautiful smiles had been rare today.

I had been hot and cold all morning long. I had attempted to disguise my rapidly growing depression, and at times I seemed to accomplish that, but my despair was relentless and would occasionally seep through the barrier I had haphazardly erected, and Jasper would witness a small portion of my torment.

Often when this happened, Jasper would say something about going to a concert, going to the movies, or a ball game…all the fucking shit I would love to do with him, and then I would fall even deeper into my desolation. I knew he was precariously close to his wits end about how to handle me.

With any luck he would be happy to be rid of me when this was all over.

I was surprised he didn't give me the boot after the display at the lake today. Everything was going well until Peter and Bella showed up on the scene, monopolizing my and Jasper's alone time.

*flashback*

"Hey guys, what's up?" Bella asked from the shore. I sighed heavily.

Jasper and I had been hanging out on a floating apparatus that looked like a big rainbow fish, soaking up rays, and being content in one another's company.

Peter dove in and attacked our float, disturbing the serene environment we had created. To say that I was a little pissed was an understatement. I was being childish, but that knowledge didn't stop me from stomping out of the river, and transmitting a baleful look in Bella's direction when I stalked passed her.

They just didn't understand my insurmountable frustration at the chore laid out in front of me today. I just wanted the calm before the shit storm began.

I could hear Peter say, "what a dick. Is he raggin' today?"

And then I heard Jasper's unwavering defense of my unforgivably juvenile display, "shut the fuck up Peter. Don't talk about him like that. He's fine. We…we just didn't get a lot of sleep last night." I turned, and I was still close enough to see the hurt so plainly evident in his eyes.

I glimpsed at Bella again, and she stared at me in a way that made me wonder if women's intuition wasn't just a myth. She further confirmed this when she whispered, "please don't do this to him." The naked sadness in her eyes was my further undoing, and I could feel the tears beginning to emerge.

"I have to go to the bathroom…" I walked quickly, each step faster and more desperate. I didn't head for the bathroom because that would have entailed me walking past people in my current state, so I just walked further into a wooded area and sat against a tree stump. I brought my knees to my chest, and rested my chin on my arms.

Instead of thinking about my current situation, which would have hurtled me into a crying mess, I looked at the bigger picture. Jane and I - maybe two years from now. I'd have a job, I'd have an apartment, and I'd have Jane. She would be in a permanent home, and a school that she could stay at. She could make friends and be happy, and after all that was achieved I could start a life of my own.

I looked at my watch and noticed that it had been almost twenty minutes and I rushed back to where I left Jasper. If I had to share my time with him, then so be it, but when I arrived back he was all alone. Sitting on the top of a picnic table, his elbows were on his knees and his hands were deeply entangled in his wet curls.

I love you.

Three impossible, suffocating words.

It would be so easy to say fuck it, and drag Jasper into the life that I am fated to lead, but that was just wrong, and what good would it do? It would only be a matter of time before he bailed on me. My life is too messed up, my plans too complicated. I couldn't afford to have him around until he decided to leave me and Jane. His pain, today, would be short lived, but the longer he stayed in mine, the pain would last dangerously close to a lifetime. Not to mention how his leaving would affect Jane.

It still floored me that I had fallen so hard, and in such a short amount of time, but the fact is that I did. I had wondered if it had anything to do with him just being my first sexual experience, but that didn't explain my initial reaction upon seeing him, and that unconditional need to take care of him. In any case, it didn't seem normal. I'd ask Jasper, but it was a little too late to be bringing up subjects like theorizing love at first sight.

I couldn't lead him on any more than I already had.

I knew Jasper would have a million questions about my most recent display, so I walked up to him with every bit of stealth that I could manage, which wasn't so hard to do in sand, and before he even realized I was there I had his face in my hands, and was kissing him with all the ferocity that I felt. He hesitated for a moment, but gave in and hungrily participated. Both of his hands plunged into my hair. His lips and hands wordlessly pleaded for me to forget whatever bug was up my ass. I open my eyes to see his pinched shut, and I felt like my heart was going to expire.

So I strained to remain happy - for him.

*end of flashback*

When I came back from my reverie, the group of children was singing Eensy, Weensy Spider. Jane was singing happily, and moving her hands in a way that was signifying the creature she was singing about.

Jasper had a smile plastered to his face…a grin a mile wide, and his eyes showed his merriment. He could sense that he was being stared at and looked my way. He gave me a quick wink, and grabbed the hand that was sitting in between us. I threaded my fingers through his, and his smile got impossibly wider, which was apparently infectious because I formed my own smile.

We sat like that while the kids sang Baby Bumble Bee, and Old MacDonald Had a Farm. Each child had picked their own animal for the farm. When it came to Jane's turn she had chosen to make pig noises. Instead of singing "oink, oink" like pigs talked in books, she took her rendition from the petting zoo one of our foster parents took us to, and snorted exuberantly, which earned laughs from the entire crowd.

After the display, my mood soured instantly.

Lunch was being served.

"You ready to go eat…" His words abruptly stopped when he looked into my ashen face. "Darlin'? Are you okay?" His look of concern, made me want to pull my hair out.

"I'm not…h-hungry Jas. I need to lie down. Please…please take a nap with me. Please." I begged, both my hands reached for him, and he circled his arms around me immediately.

"Whatever you want Edward." We stayed like that for a moment before he grudgingly unwrapped himself from me, but grabbed both of my hands and began to walk backward. "C'mon, let's go."

We both laid down on the bed fully clothed and he embraced me, so that my head was lying on his chest. His fingers combed through my hair, and massaged my scalp.

Why hadn't he abandoned me by now? I was such a fucked up mess.

It took several minutes before his ministrations stopped, and I felt the steady rise and fall of his perfect chest. I propped my head up on my hand and stared at him for a long time, memorizing each one of his features, but when I feared the time had come that Carlisle or Esme would be looking for me, I got up.

I wanted to kiss him one last time…but I wouldn't allow myself that. He wouldn't benefit from it, and I didn't deserve it. So, I denied myself a last kiss. I fished the note out of my pocket and laid it on the night table. After one final look, I turned and walked away.

"Oh, good…we were looking for you honey. Are you ready to go?" Esme asked, than she took a look around. "Where's Jasper?"

"Umm…we already said goodbye to each other." She seemed to believe the lie, and continued to pack items into the SUV.

I was about to get into the vehicle, when I was grabbed roughly by my arm, and swung around.

"What are you doing?" Bella hissed, but her angry eyes softened when she could see something that I could not possibly hide anymore. Silent tears ran in torrents down my cheeks.

"Edward, you don't have to do this," she pleaded. "Look, I know you have been through some shit, but it doesn't have to be this way…"

I swiped angrily at the tears on my face. "Yes, Bella it does." I lowered my voice, so no one around us could eavesdrop. "Jane and I are going to be moving on soon. It's better to cut this off sooner than later."

"But you're not even going to say goodbye?"

"I left a note."

"A note? Don't you care about him at all?"

Did I not care about him? I could smack her.

"Okay kids…let's go." Carlisle stated, oblivious to what was going on.

"Please…" she whispered, "he…he isn't as strong as you think."

I steel my expression. "I have to go now Bella. Take care." I swung open the door and got in. "And please, take care of him."

As hours passed, and we made several stops along the way, my need to express my torment grew to immeasurable heights. If Carlisle had noticed, he said nothing.

I tried not to think about how Jasper felt when he found my note or what he was doing now, or how I wished I was still there with him.

I couldn't think about what I wanted, what would make me happy. All I knew is that my life was not my own.

So when we were well into our travels, and the moon had replaced the sun, the only illumination being the faint dashboard lights, and Janie was tucked into my side, sleeping soundly, did I allow the tears to flow freely.

AN: I just want to make it clear that I don't condone any of Edward's actions – so please don't throw tomatoes at me. :)

Anyone think that Jasper is going to be a little P.O'd when he wakes up? Review, and I promise I won't wait another 7 months to update, js. Reviewers will get a little something extra.