Dinner Date

Underneath the table, Hawkeye's right leg is bouncing up and down. Hopefully he doesn't look nervous… hopefully nobody at the table can tell he's practically jumping out of his skin. He and B.J. are having dinner with Peg and her new beau, Gregory…

"Not Greg… Gregory," Peg had corrected Hawkeye when they'd been introduced…

and this is bound to make for a nerve-wracking few hours. He knows Peg has never liked him—

And why should she? I stole her husband from her while he was away at war…

but since they all share Erin, B.J. always strives for harmony. He's concerned, as he should be, that his daughter doesn't end up in the midst of squabbling parents.

So here they sit, out at the Top of the Mark, trying like hell to be civilized, and it's turning Hawkeye into a raw nerve.

Just don't embarrass Beej, that's all. Be on your best behavior. Be an adult.

He almost laughs. At his age, to have to instruct himself about something so basic… Well, it's kind of sad

Gregory has just asked him a question and he missed it. "I'm sorry, Greg?" Then, immediately realizing his mistake, "Uh, Gregory."

The man smiles at him, radiating patience. "I said, it must have been hard to pick up stakes and move across the country like you did. Peg said you'd lived in Maine your whole life, until… Well, until recently." Clearly he had been thinking: until you took up with this nice young lady's husband.

Hawkeye shakes his head just the tiniest bit. He's not going to read things into the conversation that aren't there. He nods and says, "I miss Maine, that's for sure. But we all do crazy things for love, don't we?" He rests his hand on B.J.'s.

Although Peg has been around them plenty of times, she has never liked seeing them showing any kind of affection for each other—

Makes sense. She's still bitter, and has every reason to be…

…so she glares at them across the table, and Hawkeye hastily removes his hand from his lover's.

Shit. Really need to be aware of every little thing tonight, don't I?

Mercifully, B.J. changes the subject. "Peg tells us that you're a realtor, Gregory. How long have you been selling houses?

Gregory starts talking statistics, and Hawkeye feels his eyes glaze over in no time. Nothing more boring than some salesman who thinks what he does is the most fascinating job on earth. Hey fella, why don't you try opening up a human body and fixing something that's gone wrong inside of it? Now that's fascinating…

Hawkeye snaps back to reality, tries to follow the conversation in case he gets asked a question. Luckily, Gregory is too self-involved to notice anyone else is at the table. He's still recounting his sales successes from the past year. Crazily, Peg is watching him with genuine interest, appearing caught up in every word.

Good Lord, I thought this woman had better taste. Well, she used to, clearly… she married Beej…

And that makes him feel guilty all over again. He always has these guilt attacks when they get together with Peg. B.J. made his choice, and of course Hawkeye's delighted that the choice was in his favor, but the fact remains that he broke up a marriage, and he's always going to hate himself a little bit for that.

Gregory has finally stopped talking about real estate, and now Peg is telling them the story of how she met him, which she'd actually told them before, but Hawkeye manages to refrain from mentioning that. He resigns himself to listening to the story all over again, about how Gregory struck up a conversation with her in the grocery store, of all clichés, because he didn't know how to pick out the ripest cantaloupe. Good Lord, could these two be any more precious?

Apparently B.J.'s thoughts aren't too far from Hawkeye's, because now his hand has found Hawk's thigh underneath the table, and he squeezes in a kind of signal that only the two of them understand. That little squeeze is saying: how dull is this guy? My ex-wife could do a whole hell of a lot better than this, don't you think?

Hawkeye suppresses a smile, but he reaches down and touches the hand on his thigh. He strokes a couple of B.J.'s fingers, sending a message right back: he sure is as dull as dishwater, but you know what? I really don't think these two are gonna last long.

That's the conclusion he's come to, in just the little time they've spent together. Peg may be wild about this guy, this realtor, at the moment, but Hawkeye doesn't see any real chemistry between them. He suspects she'll be moving on fairly soon, and that will be a relief for all of them… Erin included, who has hinted to Hawkeye and B.J. that she doesn't like Gregory very much.

Suddenly B.J.'s hand brushes up Hawkeye's inner thigh, and Hawkeye starts, then tries to hide it behind a light cough. He glances over at his partner, a half-smile on his lips. What the hell was that? he asks with his expression.

And B.J.'s expression is filled with mischief as his eyes reply: Just exactly what you think it was.

Hawkeye, no longer caught off guard and turning just as playful as his partner, takes hold of the adventurous hand beneath the table and boldly places it on his crotch. B.J. is somehow managing to tell Peg and Gregory about the new surgeon at the hospital who may very well be in the market for a house, since he's just moved here from San Diego… and at the same time, he's rubbing Hawkeye's crotch ever-so-lightly… maddeningly…

Hawkeye knows he can't moan, but it's all he wants to do. No, not all he wants to do. That would be just for starters. He has all kind of ideas about what he'd like to do, but they are in a restaurant and they are having a civilized dinner conversation with B.J.'s ex-wife and her new boyfriend and no way should they be doing the things they are doing underneath the table here at the Top of the Mark.

But B.J. keeps on rubbing, and Hawkeye shuts his eyes briefly but does not moan…

And he's certain—absolutely certain—that Peg knows what's going on, the way she's looking at them, she has to know…

And if she never liked him before, then she will most definitely never come close to liking him now…

And suddenly B.J. says, "You know, Hawk… I forgot to tell the babysitter something. I need to call her. Why don't you come with me? Erin always wants to talk to you, she always wants to say goodnight to you. We won't be more than a few minutes, folks."

Hawkeye stands and follows B.J., thinking what a smooth operator he is, and where did he pick up shit like this? You'd never know to look at his wholesome face what a devil lurks beneath.

They don't talk at all as they walk away from the table, and they bypass the phone booth, slipping into the men's room instead. Once they make sure it's empty, they step into the same stall and lock it. Hawkeye beams at his lover, unzipping B.J.'s pants and reaching into them, scolding, "I can't believe you did that," and then preventing any kind of reply by planting a wet, demanding kiss on his mouth.

There's a lot of moaning and writhing there in the bathroom stall, both of them working expertly to bring a little quick pleasure to their excruciatingly dull evening… both of them knowing exactly how to take care of the other in entirely satisfying (if rushed) fashion. If anyone were to come into the men's room, Hawkeye's not even sure he'd be aware of it.

But they manage to finish before anyone invades their privacy, and there's some soft laughter and light kissing as they make sure their clothing is back in order. They exit the stall and pause at the mirror, taking one last look, still adjusting.

"Do we look like a couple of guys who just had a quickie?" Hawkeye wonders, and B.J., surprisingly, turns a little red.

"I hope not," he says, "because my ex will never forgive us if she figures out what just happened."

Hawkeye laughs. "Beej, that guy—"

"Gregory," B.J. says with a sniff.

"Gregory," Hawkeye agrees with a roll of his eyes. "He's boring as hell. And honestly, he doesn't seem her type at all."

B.J. nods, finger-combing his hair a little. "I don't see it lasting, no. But for tonight, let's just grin and bear it, all right? For the time being, she seems to be smitten. Let's go along for the ride. I don't want her pissed off."

Hawkeye helps himself to one last kiss, saying, "You got it, Beej. And thanks."

"For?"

"For making the night a lot more tolerable with this… uh… little intermission." He smiles at his lover, and they head out of the men's room and back to the table. The wine has arrived and the waiter is poised to take their order, and all of a sudden the evening has become a whole lot more pleasant than Hawkeye would've ever imagined.