I don't own Naruto, deal with it...

Speech

Thought

Kyuubi

Kami, Yami, and Shinigami.

Konichiwa, Master!

Chapter 1

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Afterlife...

The final destination of all those who's time in the mortal world has come to an end. A place where those who, depending on their actions, either enjoyed time in splendor or suffered punishment for their crimes until deemed to have paid in full.

It was this part of that realm where a figure could be found looking into a pool of liquid. He stood six-foot-eight and wore a jet-black ceremonial kimono with a solid white fanged skull on the back. His pale grey hair was set in a topknot with a few loose strands draping into a face that was partially concealed by a half kabuki mask exposing only his eyes; two solid black orbs that would flicker blood red occasionally.

His name was Yami; overseer of punishments for those who performed unlawful acts in life. He was currently observing a past event he had ..and getting royally pissed.

The pool showed him images of a young boy, barely ten year old, being mercilessly beaten by a group of people, he was already curled up in a ball while close to a dozen ADULTS kicked at him like they were trying to stomp out a fire. Spiky blonde hair matted with dirt and blood, a mix of terror and pain etched on the boy's face, only to worsen as the group parted to allow a man wearing a crow mask step up armed with a katana.

"Time to send you back where you belong, demon.." The man snarled as he raised the weapon..

Before another blade emerged from his chest. This one held by another man wearing a weasel mask. The rest were quickly dispatched by him as well.

Yami watched as the man knelt down beside the boy, "Dammit! I TOLD that old man Inu-Teme couldn't be trusted to look out for you! Hang on, Naruto, I got you." 'Weasel picked the boy, doing his best to avoid worsening his injuries. The image faded with him taking the boy to get help"

"DAMN IT ALL TO BLOOD-DRENCHED HELL!"Yami bellowed, sending nearly every being in hearing range running for their lives, "That's IT! I can't take this shit anymore!" With that, the robed man vanished in a tornado of crimson fire.

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Meanwhile, in the Paradise region of the afterlife, a man was reclining in a chair with a book. Dressed in a solid white kimono, he was the same height as Yami, except he wore no mask and his white hair was pulled back in a ponytail and solid blue eyes crinkled in humor at intervals when he found something funny.

His name: Kami. Yami's brother and Caretaker of the region.

Normally, the two deities never really cared to venture into the others domain, preferring to just send messengers. Which is why Kami was rather startled to see his brother appear right in front of him..and he was NOT happy.

"Yami, what's going on?"It wasn't much of a surprise for his brother to be mad, especially when he was dealing with rather stubborn souls that refused to learn their lesson. However, this time the man was well and truly livid judging by the red glow of his eyes.

"I'll tell you what's going on; I am bloody SICK AND TIRED of standing by and watching while a little kid suffers because of you and Shinigami's screw up!"He snapped, jabbing Kami in the chest with those last few words.

"Someone say my name?"A raspy voice piped up followed by a whirl of black smoke. It quickly faded to reveal the skeletal form of the Shinigami.

"Damn straight, I did! You know, I should have said this a long time time ago, But YOU.."He glared at Kami, "Kept telling me 'it'll all work out out in the end' Were you talking about when one of those ignorant shitheads manages to finish the poor kid!? If I knew then what I know now, I would have put my boot up your ass the MOMENT you started saying that crap!"

He whirled around and looked Shinigami dead in the eye, making the death god gulp audiably, "And YOU, you skeletal sunnuvabitch. This whole damn thing started because you went ahead and frikin' sealed Kyuubi into the kid, even AFTER I told you to let ME deal with it.

"I had to! The mortal had used the Reaper Death Seal. It was a binding contract!

"Oh? And how long did it take you to remember that Kyuubi is MY minion?! Or the fact that you knew DAMN WELL a genjutsu was involved!"

"Yami, look, I know it probably wasn't the best idea to ignore our chain of command agreement, but the fox was going berserk..."Kami was promptly cut off by a gauntlet-clad fist being rammed into his face, "Itai! What was that for!?" He yelped, rubbing the knot that was already forming between his eyes.

"For being a jackass! You've seen the kind of life the kid's had to live, all because Bonehead here had to go and do things HIS ass-backwards way! And don't think you're getting off easy, Brother. From day one, 1,372 assassination attempts, 1,059 beatings, 912 attempted poisonings. And you know as well as I do about the kids parents...and that nitwit Sarutobi won't even tell him!"

"You know he has his reasons, Yami."Kami had a feeling he knew what his brother was about to do. Even though he was the god of life, he had taken a vow not to interfere in the mortal world, except as a last resort.

More than once, he wished his brother had taken the vow as well.

"Bullshit! He was told to tell the kid everything and he's letting himself get cowed by those council assholes."The next words out of his mouth made Kami regret ever considering that vow. "I've have it with this 'observe, but never interfere' garbage, that's MY minion sealed into him; that makes this personal anyway! If you two won't do anything, I WILL!"

"Tell me you're not planning what I think you are.."Shinigami started before getting his answer in the form of Yami vanishing in a whirl of fire. The remaining pair could only utter one thing:

"Oh crud.."

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In Konoha:

Thirteen-year-old Naruto Uzumaki lay sound asleep in his bed after wearing himself out from worrying about the next day. Tomorrow would be his third attempt at graduating from the academy, his third try at finally becoming an official ninja.

Depending on your point of view, it could've been seen as either a good or bad thing that since he was sawing logs, he never saw the black circle appear on his floor, or the large, intimidating figure emerging from said circle. The unexpected 'guest' looked at the sleeping blond for a second. He proceeded to quietly inhale and breath out a bluish-grey mist that settled over Naruto, putting him into an even deeper slumber.

"There we go. Nothing personal, kiddo, but I doubt you'd react very well to seeing my scary ass. Besides, I have a lot of work to do and this'll help it go smoother" Yami cracked his knuckles, "Well, time to make a few repairs."

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In case you're wondering, this fic is going to be about 72% humor, 13% general, 9% action, and before I forget. *empties a bottle of lemon soda into the mix*

Now...should I mock ALL of Team 7, or just Sakura and Sasuke? (and trust me, he shall be thoroughly bollocked in this fic)