My mother raised me with a theory. She believed that nothing should be restricted, that nothing should be limited, for if it were, my brother and I wouldn't be able to teach ourselves how to keep it in moderation.

I can't help believing that she is completely and wholly correct.

As I lay here, counting ceiling tiles, I believe that this is what happens when children are sent to a school with their own gender. They become Todd Anderson.

He's had most of the girls I know as bedmates-you'd never expect it though by looking at him. He has that innocent schoolboy look about him still. It's only a matter of years before his jaw line firms and becomes angular, mature and manly. Then he'd kill with a wink of his eye.

The kisses he's pressing down my lower abdomen suddenly stop, the mattress shifts and I know he's moved away. I can't help but wonder why and sit up to see where he's gone- sitting hunched over at the side of his bed.

"I can't do this."

And my heart cracks as it reaches for him and I slide forward, wrapping my limbs around him and pressing my cheek to his. He still has his pants on and I'm wearing one of his white, button-down Oxford shirts. He unbuttoned it a while ago. It smells like him… smells like Todd.

I guess this is what drew me to him in the first place, his broken personality. Not many people seem to notice it because he's cute, intelligent and has a reputation of being a passionate bedmate. It would appear that sending him to an all boy's high school has made him thirst unquenchably for the exotic taste and sound of girls. Like I said, he has no moderation.

I suppose that's to be expected.

Todd never lives his life in moderation and I only know that because I've been around him the entire two and a half years we've been in college together. He's terrible with money and time-management, eats sweets in excessive amounts, drinks in excessive amounts…he's a free spirit. Free but broken, like a Bald Eagle with a dislocated wing.

We only recently moved our friendship to…whatever this is. I don't want this to be a one-night stand but knowing Todd, it is. He's a person no one can hold onto for long. I've been lucky and logical in our years of friendship. We hardly spoke sophomore year and at the beginning of this one, he came sprinting up to me in the library, confessing how much he missed me and proceeded to eat my face off against one of the book cases. I thought he was insane.

"What about the promiscuity that you're so famous for, Todd?" I teased him affectionately and I feel him shift uncomfortably so I change my tactic. "It's…it's just me…" I whisper into his ear.

"I can't do this." He reiterates. Goddamnit rejection stings. It's even more humiliating that I'm the one who has to leave his room.

I uncurl off him, trying to hide my hurt because I know it's not what he needs right now and move to get off the bed but he catches my arm and yanks me down into his lap. "You don't understand…I can't do this because…you can't leave me." He pleads and I find myself informing him I have no idea what he's talking about and I can see that he's torn so I'll stay. I whisper his name, letting him know that I'm here, that I've always been here and start running my fingers gingerly down his face.

I'm convinced that this has more to do with his past then with me-he's never told me about his past, I think he's afraid to dip into it because it means he's going to have to face something he's trying to forget.

I wish he'd tell me, I wish he'd be as vulnerable with me as I am with him.

I love him.

I think I'll be damned before I actually tell Todd that. He's uncomfortable with attachment. Telling him I love him will be the fastest way I loose him.

But Goddamnit, I fucking. Love. Him.

"Niccola," I pause, only because hearing him say my name is a rare occasion. It normally means he has something important to say. "Cubby," He whispers and I smile. There it is, my pet name.

I slide off his lap and sit next to him. It's hard trying to be proud and confident while I'm so naked-in all senses. "I'm here Todd," I whisper back, repeating what I assured earlier. "And I always will be." He scoffs and the bed creaks as he stands and walks away.

"Don't make promises you can't fucking keep." And I know it's coming, a little part of his shrouded past which is really the best gift I could ever receive from anyone. I join him at the window, leaning my head on the back of his shoulder as I slide my hands around his waist. "Not you…not you of all people." He's bitter and I just hold him tighter.

"Why would I break that promise to you?" Todd scoffs harshly and looks to the sliver of the moon.

"Because that promise is always broken. My parents were never there, my brother got married like, right out of high school, Charlie was drafted to Nam, Pitts and Meeks are…else where-" I can't help but frown as Todd starts rambling, I've never heard any of this before as his hysteria elevates. "Knox is fucking MIA and Neil is fucking dead! Neil is dead! Oh my God, Neil! Neil is fucking dead!" And he's broken down completely.

Todd is shaking, crying and sobbing about Neil, constantly repeating how he's dead and I can do nothing but hold on and go for the ride with him. I think he's finally spilled his secret, he's spilled his past because Todd doesn't cry. He's never cried…not 'til now.

"I loved him! I loved him!" He shouts and I'll save my surprise for later as Todd cries pitifully. "I loved him and it wasn't enough! It wasn't fucking enough and he killed himself! I couldn't save him, he killed himself!" He turns around and grabs my arms, shaking me as tears continue to spill from his sore, red eyes, "Don't leave me, don't ever fucking leave me! Please! Please Niccola, I love you…I love you."

That night I let him have the solace he found in sex. I expected to be treated no differently then his past bedmates and when I woke up, he was gone. I scoffed, even though this was what I had expected, a part of me said No Niccola, he loves you, he'll stay. He'll be back. But he wasn't. He kept his distance from me for the rest of Junior year although…I would find traces of Todd.

There would be something left in my room, on my locker, on my seat. Our eyes would meet in classes and sometimes in the lunchroom but he never got within twenty feet of me and we certainly never spoke.

I guess the irony of the situation was that I lost Todd on his terms. I never got to drive him away by confessing my love for him, he wasn't driven away by me, a girl which I'm sure is a new experience for him.

He's drifted away from his crowds of friends, his lust for women seems to have been satiated-for awhile at least or so the rumors have it.

I still love him.

One day it'll be Todd's turn to be saved. By then I hope to God I've figured out how to save him because I will not let him be my Neil, my lost case of unrequited love.