A/N: Hiya! I'm XxTheProblemChildxX!!! Nice to meet you, and thank you for even clicking on my very first fanfic! Well… Not my first…But my first one I actually want to finish, xD; Anywho… This is my first fanfic in a LOOOOOONG time, and I didn't write at. All. This summer, so… Don't blame me if it's bad D: And not only that, but please, don't question how I know this much about the problems Sakura faces in this story. I know from experience, and if you tell me some of what I'm saying is wrong, this is what I know, and if you look at my profile-thingy, you would know why….. Ah, fuck it, I'll tell you. I've been through a lot of what I'll talk about in this story, and please don't ask if I'm okay, I will be fine. Have no fear. xD. But anywho…..(Please ignore the spelling mistakes. I swear it's not my fault!)
DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't own Naruto…. If I did Sasuke would be back by now(jerk face…) and he and Sakura would get married and have a wonderful life, Karin would burn in hell, ShikaInoNaru amazing love triangle… Etc.
On with my story!
Sakura awoke after that God-awful dream she just had. Breathing heavily, she sat up abruptly. Her already pale face was now completely drained of it's color. Closing her watery emerald eyes, she griped her sheets and whispered into the dark, "Never again…", even though she knew nobody could hear her. As long as she could hear herself, that's all that mattered. Right…?
Silently, a teardrop fell down her cheek, crashing on the floor. And her inside screeched at her, "Stop crying, you weakling! Shut the hell up and get over it! It was just a damned dream!", she swore violently to herself. But the fact is, that horrid dream could come true any day now. Hell, she was expecting it. For the fact being, she had already gone through that pain.
It broke her more then it fixed her. They lied to her. He lied to her. It's not like he cared, anyway. So it shouldn't matter. Right…?
Stop. Fucking. Doubting. Yourself you ungrateful bitch!, her inner personality yelled. The tears came back as quickly as they came earlier.
"Stop yelling at me…", she asked into the darkness surrounding her. Because that darkness was currently all she had. Hell, it was all she ever had.
After Ino left her all alone, after Hinata, after TenTen, after Naruto… After they all went away from her, he was left with her. And all he did was break her. She was perfectly fine. She had mended from her old habits…
Though that was a total lie, she needed him to believe it. Because she didn't want to leave him. And she didn't want him to go away like the others, she didn't want him to drift. Because that's all the others have done, drifted away from her.
And who's fault is that, huh?, the statue screamed at her.
"No… You're not really here… You're not real…", she told herself, the words spoken falling into the room like raindrops. Noticed and then distinguished.
Yes, I am. Now answer my question, bitch., the statue told her, obviously angry with the poor cherry blossom. "It's… My fault…", she wimpered out slowly. She didn't want to say it, but she knew it was true.
Once she had starting doing… That… She had started to push them away without realizing it. Soon, her worst fear had become true; she was left all alone in this never ending hole. With no latter, and no hope of light. It was all gone.
Because of her goddamn choices.
That's right. You're an idiot. Accept it and get over with killing yourself. It's not like you can ever be perfect anyway. Or be noticed. You die, you'll be noticed. How about that, huh?, the voice in her brain told her.
"But… I don't want to die…", she said, fear dripping in her every word.
The voice laughed. Hah! Hardly. Don't you think it would be better for the world if you were gone?
She starting shaking. Soon, another voice came.
Shh, honey. It's okay. I'm here for you. Sakura felt arms around her. The arms she wished were real, but weren't. But she could pretend, right?
Of course you can pretend, my darling., It said to her. Sakura attempted a smile, but failed miserably. She may not have had a mirror or another person there, but she knew by the way her face felt. Then again, she hadn't really smiled in a long time.
Hah! Not surprising, being the idiot that you are…, the voice whispered, arrogantly. The cherry blossom shook her head violently."No, no no no no! Get out of my head! Get out!", she screamed at nobody.
Why don't you go downstairs so you can eat, darling., Sakura heard. She looked around, wishing for the voice to be real. But she can pretend. Though pretending hurt her more then realization. Because if you pretend long enough, you been to think it's real. But when it comes to the truth that it isn't, the blow is much harder then it should be.
No, my dearie. You are going to get fat if you eat., Sakura gulped at the thought of this.
"I don't want to be fat…", she said. She felt so small, her voice was lost in the big room. She hated that feeling.
Exactly why you shouldn't eat., the voice nagged her. Sakura nodded. "No… Food…. Right..", she slowly and recluctantly agreed, though her inner organs were begging her not to.
My love, you NEED food!, the other voice pleaded. Sakura, sweetie, you haven't eaten anything ALL DAY. Please, you need the nourishment!, now it was downright begging.
Sakura was so confused. She was about to break any second now. But she couldn't break. Because he'd take her back there.
Don't patronize her! Don't you touch that refrigerator! Or the pantry! Hell, don't go near the damned kitchen!
Sakura couldn't take this anymore. Slowly, she trudged toward the kitchen. She could hear the whispers of 'pathetic' and 'you should just die'. She gulped and held back the tears. She stuck to the comforting voice and the feeling of the arms wrapped around her that guided her aching feet to the hounds of hell- A.K.A. The Kitchen.
Suddenly, as usual, both the voices disapered. After she listens to one of them, they go away. But now the real battle was going to commence, she knew. For the fact of she was tripping over herself while she walked into The Kitchen. As soon as she got into there, she ran right over to the pantry, much to her dismay. She could almost feel the disappointment in her.
She shook as she stood there in front of the pantry. She was scared, so so scared. She didn't want to do this, she didn't want to at all. She knew it was bad. She knew she needed to keep control. But something told her in her mind, EAT! Eat the food, you idiot! You need food!!! Her body screamed it, her brain screamed it, everything she had screamed it. But she couldn't do it. No, rather she WOULDN'T do it. She didn't want to lose control. But most of all…. She didn't want to get fat.
Come on. Her stomach cooed. Eat the food. You're hungry. You need it. She shook her head. "No…" she said out loud. No… She can't take it. She can't eat the food. That's right… Control… She wanted-no, she needs the control over herself. She couldn't eat the food or she'd get fat. She wouldn't be perfect.
She could never be perfect. And that's all she really wanted, right? To be perfect? Would she be noticed if she was perfect? But most of all… Would she be loved…? Perfection. That's what did this to her. And the worst part is- She couldn't stop now, even if she wanted to. It's been going on for too long. And thank Kami-sama that nobody knew.
She'd been put in those… Hospitals before. She just was not going back.
That's why you have to eat! Her mind screeched at her, in an obnoxious shrill voice, trying to get her to listen. You don't want to be put back there, right?He believes that you're okay now!You need to live up to what he believes don't you? The voice told her. She shook harder when she realized who it was talking about.
But then a new voice appeared. The one she always, no matter how wrong it was, always listened to. No, Sakura. No no no. You will not eat the food. Who cares if he doesn't want you to eat the food? As long as he never finds out you're doing this again, you don't have to eat! And then you'll be skinny and pretty! And most of all…. Perfect.
Sakura screamed at that. She couldn't take this. Perfection is all she wanted. But she didn't want to end up there again. But she wanted to be thin; pretty. But she didn't want to disappoint him. But she wanted control. She was at a loss. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. She didn't understand why she did these things. Why she couldn't stop. Why she still wanted to be thin. But… She just wanted perfection.
She slammed the fridge door shut, and slowly fell down into a ball, tears running down her face. She was so sick of being so weak, as he had first said when he found out. And yet he… He helped her. She never understood why, but at first she was great full of him. But now, she hated him. She wanted him dead for making her worse. Because now, instead of one voice in her head, there were two. He could never understand how hard this was for her, hell, she didn't even know if he CARED.
Rocking back in forth in a ball, she cried. She couldn't live up to anyone's expectations. She failed everyone. She failed him. She was pathetic. She shouldn't be allowed to be on this earth. She was a disgrace. The tears fell like a storm, down her face, warm liquid dropping down onto the floor staining it. She was tainted. She was imperfect. She was useless. She was pathetic. Weak. Annoying. Obnoxious. Fat. Ugly. A bitch. She shouldn't be alive. She should die and rot in hell, where she belonged. She's an abomination, that's what she is.
"No… No… No…" she shook her head slowly whispering these awful words to herself. To her, they were true. To him, they were false. Of course, she didn't know that. She didn't even know if he cared. She believed that he put her there to get her out of his life, not to help her, even when he knew she needed the help. She obviously did, look at her. As he always told her, she looked pathetic on the floor shaking like that.
She didn't want to get up. She didn't even get up when she heard the door bell ring loudly, echoing in her brain, the noise killing her brain, torturing her. She didn't care who it was, she just wanted them to go away. Sad thing is, she didn't even have the strength to yell that. She didn't trust her voice at times like these. She wasn't even going to bother with the person at the door.
Until she heard the jingle of keys and the lock click loudly, even the slightest sound as that could be heard loudly in the darkened silence of her house.
"Sasuke… kun…" she whispered, gathering all her strength to get up and try to clean up herself. She refused to show him, of all people, her problems.
"Sakura.", he called out, walking into the house, closing the door with a loud thump. She heard the shake of an umbrella. Huh. I didn't realize it was raining out… Hopefully the storm blocked out my screaming…, she thought to herself.
"Sakura!" he called out again, starting walking quickly into the house, checking all the rooms, until he got to the one room he was scared to find her in(even though he'd never admit it). The kitchen. The 'forbidden zone' to Sakura. He knew that, but when he saw her leaning on the fridge for support, he eyes puffy from what would be crying.
She tried to plaster on a smile for him, to make him feel like nothing was wrong, he could go away. Not like he cares, anyway…, she thought to herself. "Sasuke-kun… H-hello…" she tried not to stutter and look pathetic.
He glared at her, him eyes tracing her figure up and down. She looks skinnier… Has she been eating at all? Has she been purging again? Shit, Sakura… Why, admit, why…, he contemplated in his head, trying not to grimace on the outside.
"Sakura… What have you been doing in here?" he questioned in his usual cold voice, trying to keep up his façade.
She sighed mentally. See, he really doesn't care. Whimpering slightly, looking down to avoid his onyx eyes, she said in a small voice, "N-nothing, Sasuke-kun. W-why would you be worried? You know I spent a month in the mental ward, you shouldn't be worried about me…" she tried to keep up her own façade. Difference is, Sasuke could see right through hers.
"Then why are you stuttering?" he asked almost in a… Caring tone. He dropped his glare, and his onyx eyes now were filled with, dare I say, concern?
Sakura kept her faint blush to herself, momentarily forgetting what had happened a few minutes before he arrived to her apartment. Spacing out for a second, Sasuke repeated his question, in a more forceful tone.
"Why. Are. You. Stuttering." he questioned, his cold voice so close to returning to his words, like a magnet that couldn't resist the pull.
"I-I'm… Just… Cold, yes that's it. I'm just cold…" she tried to pull herself together so he could go away and she could puke her guts out. Because Kami only know how badly she wanted to do so. But she couldn't kick him out. He was her biggest weakness. She couldn't do anything that would betray him. It was sad, actually. She took pathetic to a whole new level for him.
Sasuke sighed. He knew she was lying. He couldn't help but start to worry, as much as he didn't want to. Made him feel… Weak, how much he dared to care for her, the pathetic, weak, broken girl in front of him. Her pink hair starting to die slowly. Her nails broken and cracked. Her body too slim then it should be. Her emerald eyes losing their glow slowly. He loved her eyes, though he could never tell her that. That would just be… Wrong of him, to like… No, love, such a tainted, broken thing. He didn't understand why he was. He just knew he couldn't den y the feelings. But he couldn't tell her. It would just break her most. He wasn't going to tell her right now, hell, he didn't know WHEN he would get the chance to tell the cherry blossom, but he knew now was not the time.
Sakura bit her lip, waiting for him to answer her, wondering if he knew she was lying. She could've sworn he knew, but… It's not like he'd care, even if he knew. Her emerald eyes darted around the room, looking everywhere except for the boy in front of her, standing almost completely still, waiting for him to say something, anything really.
Slowly his mouth opened, and Sakura's hopes began to rise. Then as suddenly as he came in, it shut again. Drowning the silence and crushing Sakura's hopes.
As suddenly as this happened, he came closer. Closer. Closer. Closer to the pink-haired girl, as her lips trembled in fear.
She's scared. Why is she so scared? I'm trying to help… He almost wanted to scream in agony, and in his mind he was.
But instead of yelling, he pulled Sakura into a tight embrace. She, again, forgot about her 'situation' for a moment as she blushed ten shades of red, and shuddered from his grip.
Then she realized why he was doing this. It was because of how… Tainted she was. How stained she has become. It's pity, isn't it. She thought grudgingly. He doesn't care. So even though he was there, holding her head to his perfectly toned abs, she started shaking again, shuddering out silent sobs.
"I'm so… So… Pathetic…" she whispered out, slowly. Her voice was shaking as much as she was. She couldn't even keep her voice together. She really was pathetic.
Sasuke sighed. She thought it was out of disappointment. He knew it was out of annoyance. "No, you're not, Sakura… Your anything but…" he attempted to reassure her, even though in the back of his mind he knew it would only make her cry harder and scream.
He was right.
"No! I AM pathetic! I'm a FAILURE, I'm an IDIOT! I'm not PERFECT! I will NEVER be perfect! I can't live up to what ANYBODY wants! I'm so… So… USELESS!" she screamed, the tears flowing harder now, soaking Sasuke's shirt, leaving wet stains. "I… I can't, Sasuke! I just CAN'T!!! Going there broke me, can you see that!? Can't you understand!? No, you can't understand, you probably don't care… You never cared… You sent me to the damned place to get me off your back and out of your life, you bastard!" she started talking in a whisper after awhile, she just couldn't keep screaming, her voice just hurt… She just hurt.
"Sakura…" Sasuke whispered into her hair. Was he being… Was he caring about me?, Sakura wondered to herself, as she started to stop crying.
No, no no no no! Don't fall for him, don't fall for him, don't. Fall. For. HIM!!!! , her mind screamed into her. He'll only hurt you again. Break you more then you're already broken. He'll only make things worse for you. Don't fall for him., she tried to tell herself that, but yet… Her heart wanted her to stay in love. Her brain told her it was wrong. Why was she always so confused? That was the million dollar question.
He really didn't know what to say to her, while she was in this kind of state. Should he talk? Should he let go? Should he tell her the truth? He didn't know how to help her when she was snapping like this. This kind of… Breakdown didn't happen to the poor cherry blossom very often. She was very… Nervous about some things, but she hadn't broken down like this in quite a long time, and he wasn't sure how to handle her.
The last time she broke down like this, she was in front of his house, crying and screaming that she needed him to help her, but he just slammed the door and ignored her. God, he was such an idiot. Maybe she wouldn't be in such an awful state if he had done something, even something as simple as letting her in and cry. He looked back on himself, and wanted to scream bloody murder in agony.
Which is what Sakura was starting to do. She apparently thought of that day herself. The first time she'd binged and purged. At the time, she had been starving herself into thin air, but something went wrong. And the first time it'd happened… This was when they were neighbors, and Sakura happened to be one of the many girls that were in love with him. Even though they were sort of friends through his 'best friend' Naruto.
Sakura held the box of Ritz Crackers in her shaking hand. She hadn't eaten more than a shake in two days, not counting the gum she had to make her hunger go away. But she couldn't eat now. She'd been doing so well. She weighs 95.3 from110.0. That's really great. Now if she could be as skinny as Ino, and all the other girls that were chasing after Sasuke, maybe he'd notice her and think she was pretty. Because she knew she wasn't.
Slowly, she resisted the screaming in her brain that told her to put the box down, and reached her down into the bag to grab a fistful of crackers.
Chew. Munch. Swallow. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until the box is empty.
Slowly, realizing what she had just done, she starting crying madly. She freaked out and did the first thing that came to her mind. She threw it up. She threw it all up.
The acid burned her throat as it came out of her mouth. But she knew this is how she would be thin, how she could get Sasuke to notice her, think she's pretty. Pay attention to her, hold up a conversation longer then 'Hn.' With her.
After basically collapsing onto the couch, curled up in a ball, realization hit her again. Except it was different.
She realized what she had just done. She had just thrown up. She had just made herself throw up. "Oh, Kami…", she shuddered. And did the next thing that popped into her head- run out to Sasuke's house.
She knew his parents were away on business, and Itachi was away for the week. She knew because yesterday she went over there with Naruto to work on a math problem. So she ran out of her house as fast as she possibly could and starting banging on his door screaming.
"Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun! Please… Open your door… Please…" she choked out the words as loud as she could, which was hard to do since she was sobbing like mad. "Sasuke-kun! Please…" she begged, her voice losing altitude by the second.
She heard the door open and looked up to find Sasuke looking as cold and emotionless as ever. "Sasuke-kun… Help… me…" she begged him looking into his deep onyx eyes, which showed no compassion whatsoever. Just hatred and annoyance.
He took one look at her, sighed, and slammed the door in her face. She could hear him walk up the stairs of his house as she shook violently on his steps. "Why… Sasuke-kun…" were barely audible from her cherry-covered lips.
"Shhh… Shh…", Sasuke told her, quietly as she screamed into his chest, punching him in a way she thought was hard but to him was nothing. "It'll be okay…" he reassured her.
"No. No it won't be!" she whispered violently. She screamed into his chest, pouring everything out that she'd been holding in herself.
Sasuke let go her as she cried her eyes out. They were puffy and red, her cheeks were stained with white lines from tears, teardrops marking her clothes in several different places. She punched the air, pretending that it was someone to hurt. So she could get a sick satisfaction of it.
"Sasuke-kun… Why…" Sakura got out, though her words were blurred.
"So Sasuke, how's little Saku-chan doing?" the dark haired student asked his younger brother once Sasuke had gotten home.
He glared at him before answering. "Hn."
Itachi sighed. This usually means it had not went well. "Do you think…"
Sasuke glared to cut him off. He knew what he was trying to ask and he was not going to let him convince him to do that again. He had known it was a bad idea the first time, and yet he let him do it. But he refused to make the same mistake again. "No, she can't go back. She'll just get worse. She's gotten worse since she came back, haven't you noticed? It was a stupid thing to do in the first place, and I'm not letting you put her back there. Bastard." his glare got worse and colder as he spoke, his words flowing like lava, hot, slowly, and deadly.
Itachi frowned at this statement. "I know that it wasn't a good idea back then. But that was partially your fault, if I remember correctly, foolish little brother." At this, Sasuke grimaced but didn't say anything to interrupt him. "But now, I think it's what's best for her."
Sasuke started glaring at him again. "You said that last time and you're saying it again. So, no.", he hissed out the last words as he stormed violently upstairs to his room. Itachi heard a very loud slam from the upstairs and assumed that was Sasuke, throwing another one of his tantrums.
In his room, Sasuke pounced on his bed, a little freaked at the idea of sending her back to that damned place. As she had painfully obviously stated a while ago, it only made her worse. And it didn't help that Itachi and himself were really the only two people outside of the hospital that knew about her problems. Which pained him. And probably her, as well.
He remembered when she was first admitted, the words that she screamed before Sasuke was forced to leave…
Don't try to fix me, you bastards! I'm not broken! Sasuke-kun, Itachi-nii! Help! Please! Don't let them touch me!
Those words and her screaming pained face haunted him every time he saw her.
What had he done to the beautiful cherry blossom?
He has destroyed it.
He has destroyed her.