The Dead Ziva Sketch based (loosely on Monty Python)
Rating: FRT
Author: JustJeanette
Warning: Do not drink hot beverages while reading
Archive: If you want to.
Standard Disclaimer Set: I don't own NCIS. CBS and others own them. I also don't own Monty Python. This is for fun only. Also, before I get turned into flambe' author this is not a pro-Ziva fic..........
A Door opens. [the tingling sound of a small bell is heard]
Eli David appears silently from a dark back room as Tony DiNozzo strides into Mossad HQ dragging a trolley behind him. In the trolley stands Ziva David, apparently mounted on a Marine M-40A1 Sniper Rifle – closer inspection will show that the rifle was hand-loaded with Lapua boat tail, full metal jacket, moly-coated bullets.
Eli David tries to sneak out of the building (unsuccessfully).
Tony: Ah Eli David, just the Mossad Control Officer to whom I wish to speak to. I would like to register a complaint.
Eli David: What do you mean a complaint?
Tony: I wish to complain about this Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream Ziva David Model that I bought from this shop not half an hour ago.
Eli David: Ah yes; Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model; a very good specimen I might add. What's wrong with it?
Tony: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Eli David: Oh no, Mr DiNozzo, it's just resting. Look!
Eli David surreptitiously orders an underling to rock the trolley – [Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model wobbles, slightly]
Tony: Look, Eli, I know a dead Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Eli David: No, no, Mr DiNozzo, it's not dead; it's just resting.
Tony: Resting?
Eli David: Yes, remarkable this Kick Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model. Did you know that the Ziva David Model far outsells the Caitlin Todd model; wish I had more in stock. Great kick-ass potential there; and such a sexy figure? Skilled at Assassinations too, perfect for your Terrorist Roast and Afters.
Tony: The kick-ass potential doesn't enter into it - she's stone dead!
Eli David: No, no, it's just resting.
Tony: All right then, if she's resting I'll wake her up. [Shouts at the impaled corpse] Oh, Ziva, I found a spare orange hat wearing runner training around Washington Monument. He want to go running with you.
Eli David: [Underlings jog the impaled corpse] There, she moved!
Tony: No, she didn't. That was your underlings rocking the trolley on which you mounted the Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model on one of Gibbs' old sniper rifles. Good move by the way, if it hadn't been for the butt up her ass she's have fallen down three flights of stairs when I tried taking her to my apartment.
Eli David: They did not!
Tony: Did too!
Eli David: Did not!
(This goes on for some time until Gibbs sneaks in and whacks Eli David upside the head).
Tony: Yes, you did. [Picks Ziva up, shouts] Hello, Ziva, Ziver, old girl [bangs the corpse against counter] Ziva, wake up my cute little ninja chick [throws Ziva in the air and lets her fall to the floor] Now that's what I call a dead Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model.
Eli David: No, no, you've stunned her now.
Tony: Eli I couldn't stun her now even I was to grab a hold of Gibbs and start playing tonsil hockey with him… [Tony cocks his head ti the side thinking about playing Tonsil Hockey before he reaches out and grabs hold of Gibbs and proceeds to demonstrate that the Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model actually doesn't appear any more stunned by this turn of events.]
[Eli David suddenly turned a little green as he watches Tony score, in tonsil hockey.]
Tony: Look, Eli, I've just about had enough of this. This Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not over half an hour ago, you assured me that her lack of movement was due to it being tired out after an all night session disobeying Gibbs' orders.
Eli David: She's probably planning to ignore orders even now.
Tony: Ignore orders? It couldn't plan ignore an order if you shot 50 000 tracer rounds up its rear end; as I will now demonstrate!
(Massive explosion and scene cuts to a smoking Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model now carrying a sign saying "Ouch!".)
Tony: See! And how is it going to "ignore an order" flat on its back? Which is where it ended up not two seconds after Gibbs tackled me in the elevator back at NCIS. [Tony gets a dreamy expression on his face]
Eli David: The Ziva David Model prefers kipping on its back. Wonderful Kick-ass potential there, and as for interrogations, well this model could outlast interrogate Gibbs it with his eyes closed.
Tony: The Kick-ass potential still doesn't enter into it; in fact it's so dead it couldn't interrogate Agent Lee let alone anything useful. Now stop changing the subject. Look, (*turns Ziva over*) I took the liberty of examining that Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up in the first place, is that it had been mounted on a rifle nailed to this trolley.
Eli David: Well, of course she was nailed there! Otherwise, she would muscle up and *voom*! You'd be knocked down in no time, gun in your face, slapped about a bit; this model wouldn't worry that you might be recovering from a near death experience at the hands of my ex-soon-to-be-son-in-law Michael.
Tony: Look, Eli [picks up a very stiff Ziva] this Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model wouldn't *voom* even if I were to arrange for her to transport a loud mouthed arrogant fully bound suspect who happened to irritate her up to the interrogation room. [Proceeds to do precisely that, with absolutely #no# response from Ziva]. She's bleeding #demised#!
Eli David: She's not, she's pining for the old days!
Tony: Pining for the old days! She's bleeding demised! She's passed on. This Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model is no more. She has ceased to be. She's a stiff. Bereft of life, she rests in peace (*Tony/Gibbs shippers are heard in the background, cheering*). If you hadn't nailed her to this Trolley (good move by the way), she would be pushing up the daisies. She's brought down the curtain and joined the choir ghostly. This is an ex-Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model.
Eli David: Well, all right, all right; but I thought you'd prefer your Kick-ass warrior princess wet dream, Ziva David Model dead; still I'd better replace her, then.
Tony: Dead no; apparently gone, yes; lulls those foolish het shippers into a false sense of security.
Eli David: Um, the thing is I don't actually have a replacement Kick-ass female wet dream in stock.
Tony: I see. I see. (Tony prepares to quote Movie Trivia).
Eli David: No need for that, I get the picture, Gov'ner! I think I have just the thing that will serve all your needs very nicely. [Drags Gibbs away from where he is currently staring at Tony's rear assets so he can gift wrap him. Returns from the back room with Gibbs now wrapped in nothing but a red ribbon] Seems some bloody director's have caused him a bit of grief, otherwise, he's ready to go.
^_~ Jeanette