[This is only the second piece of fanfiction I've ever written in my life, so bear with me. I owe thanks to 666-Black Fire-666 for the funny, witty "Merlin IM" (posted 7/31/09), which inspired the idea of a telephone conference call. This may be a bit silly, but it was fun to write. Kudos to whoever catches the brief reference to the original Star Trek series.]

Nobody Uses the Telephone Anymore (or A Conference Call in Camelot)

Gwen: "Hallo?"

Merlin: "Hallo, Gwen?"

Gwen: "Merlin? Is that you? I can't believe you're using the phone!

Merlin: "My computer's down, and I've been looking for a spell...I mean, a way to fix it, but no go."

Gwen: "Oh, bad luck, sorry."

Merlin: "I can't email, I can't IM or PM, I can't Skype anyone. I feel crippled."

Gwen: "Bummer."

Merlin: "I can't even check the castle message boards to see if Arthur's left any orders for me."

Gwen: *snicker* "Ah, poor thing!"

Merlin: "No really, Gwen. If he thinks I'm slacking off he'll make me muck out the stables again."

Gwen: "Or wash out his socks–"

Merlin: "Or polish his armor–"

Gwen: "I saw you dressing him in his armor yesterday."

Merlin: "I've gotten better at it, thanks to you."

Gwen: "It was so cute...it took you twice as long to do it as it should have."

Merlin: "It was those leather straps, they're fiddly things."

Gwen: "I think it took you a long time on purpose."

Merlin: "Oh, come off it Gwen, really!"

Gwen: "Wait a minute, another call's coming in...it's Morgana. I'll put her on conference if you don't mind."

Morgana: "Gwen? What's going on, my computer's down."

Gwen: "Not you as well! Merlin's on the line too, Morgana."

Merlin: *crashing sound* "Ow! Bloody hell!"

Morgana: "Merlin? Are you alright?"

Merlin: "Bugger!"

Morgana: *acidly* "You're talking to me, not Arthur, Merlin."

Merlin: "Sorry...I was just trying to cast a...I mean trying to reboot and my router came unplugged."

*snorts of laughter from Gwen and Morgana*

Gwen: "I'm sorry, but you don't know how wrong that sounds!"

Morgana: "Been playing with Arthur's flashkey again, have we?"

*both girls roar with laughter*

Merlin: "Very funny."

Morgana: "Well it's a nuisance the computers are down. I was going to fill Uther's mailbox with anonymous emails."

Merlin: "Brilliant."

Morgana: "Or maybe one of those annoying chain letters. You know, with something like, 'You must forward copies of this letter to ten other friends. If you do, you will have good luck for a fortnight. If you don't, your d**k will fall off.'That sort of thing."

Gwen: "Morgana, did you see Lancelot's new website? He's got some sort of interactive software program– and he's posted the most yummy pics of himself."

Merlin: *sarcastically* "What? Facebook isn't good enough for him?"

Morgana: "Funny that he and Arthur get along so well. Arthur doesn't usually take kindly to competition."

Gwen: "Competition?"

Morgana: "I meant the military kind."

Gwen: "Oh, uh, I see. But the photos...he does look divine in those deerskin Speedos."

Merlin: "You mean he isn't naked?"

Gwen: "Oh for God's sake, Merlin!"

Merlin: *under his breath* "Exhibitionist."

Morgana: "Well you have nothing to worry about, Merlin. Arthur doesn't take any notice of the way he looks."

Gwen: "True that. If Lancelot was dancing on the Round Table wearing a chain mail G-string, Arthur wouldn't give him any more consideration than yesterday's leftovers."

Morgana: "Whereas he looks at you, Merlin, like you were today's creme brulée.

Merlin: *annoyed* "Right, ha, ha, ha."

Gwen: "In fact, he hasn't looked at anyone else like that since that slut, Sophia..."

Morgana: "Good job she's gone, eh Merlin?"

Merlin: "I don't know what you mean. I know nothing about that."

Morgana: *meaningfully* "Of course you don't."

Gwen: "Good lord, someone's ringing me...it's Gaius. Shall I put him on conference?"

Merlin: *sarcastically* "Why not, the more the merrier."

Gaius: *BOOMS* "GWEN, IS YOUR COMPUTER DOWN?"

Gwen: "Gaius, please, stop shouting and lose the speakerphone!"

Gaius: "Oh, I'm sorry Gwen. I can't get used to these newfangled gadgets. I keep pushing the wrong buttons."

Morgana: *snickering* "That's the first time I've heard anyone call a telephone newfangled."

Gaius: "Now, now. Let's have a little respect from the younger generation."

Gwen: *sotto voce* "He probably still remembers using the rotary dial ones."

Gaius: "It just so happens, young lady, that I do. And they were perfectly serviceable, thank you very much. These cordless things are impossible, I keep losing them. As for the computer, I can never remember how to turn it on, Merlin has to do it for me every morning. Now, speaking of Merlin, has anyone seen him?"

Merlin: "I'm here, Gaius. On the line."

Gaius: "Good God, that's another thing I can't get used to. In my day, we used to speak to one person at a time."

Merlin: "Do you need me for something? I don't think Arthur has any use for me at the moment."

*Morgana and Gwen snicker*

Gaius: "Well, Arthur did just send a messenger for you. It seems his computer's out of commission."

Merlin: "If it's about his bloody socks, they're clean and I put them in the chest under the window."

Gaius: "And Morgana, Uther was looking for you earlier. And be warned, he was in a terrible temper because he can't seem to access his emails. He was cursing a blue streak!"

Morgana: "Oh, no!"

Gaius: "In fact, I haven't heard that many scatalogical references since the royal horses ate too many turnips at the country fair."

Merlin: "Don't remind me. I had to muck out the stables, remember?"

Gaius: "You know he likes your company at meals, Morgana. And, perhaps it isn't my place to say this, but..."

Morgana: "That's all right, Gaius, let's have it."

Gaius: "It's just that...you realize that ever since we had that problem with over-the-border potion sales, the king likes to check the internet for wrongdoers and sorcerers' websites, and, well, he does know how to Google, so..."

Morgana: "So?"

Gaius: "I don't mean to criticize, Morgana, but you might want to practice a little more online discretion. If Uther saw those photos of yourself that you posted on your Facebook–"

Gwen and Merlin: "What!!!"

Morgana: "There's not a thing wrong with those photos, Gaius. The way you're fussing you'd think I'd made a sex tape with a Druid. I look perfectly decent, I'm covered up."

Gaius: "Well, barely."

Morgana: "Oh, someone's ringing me. It's Arthur!"

Gwen: "It's a good thing we had the phone technicians here last week."

Arthur: "Morgana? Is your computer down?"

Morgana: "Yes, like everybody else's, you're not alone."

Arthur: "I don't suppose you've seen Merlin? My room's in a shambles."

Merlin: "How nice to be needed."

Arthur: "Merlin, you tosser! It's a mess, I can't find anything!"

Morgana: "Such manners. If you can't find your things it's your own bloody fault. We were having a lovely conversation until your dulcet tones chimed in."

Arthur: *sarcastically* "Oh, really? And what, may I ask, was the lovely conversation about?"

Morgana: "Erm, we were discussing Lancelot, for one."

Merlin: *under his breath* "That wanker."

Gwen: "Merlin, he is not!"

Arthur: "Gwen? Wait, how many of you are on here?"

Gaius: "The computers are all down, sire."

Arthur: "Gaius?"

Gaius: "Well I'll not be needing Merlin today, sire, so he's all yours."

Merlin: *under his breath* "Ah the perils of servitude."

Arthur: "Oh shut up, Merlin; stop whinging. After my room's tidy I need you to meet me at the stables, we're going hunting."

Merlin: "Again, sire?"

Arthur: "The new stallion needs exercising."

*Morgana and Gwen snicker*

Arthur: "I mean, I haven't really broken him in yet."

*Both girls explode into laughter*

Merlin: "I already told the new groom to get him some mash and put extra hay in the stall for him."

Arthur: "That's good, Merlin, I'm glad to see that the greyware works from time to time."

Merlin: "The greyware, sire?"

Arthur: *acidly* "Your brain, you idiot."

Gwen: "Speaking of hay, we won't have to worry about winter supplies. I saw the farmers bringing in three wagonloads full yesterday, they put it all in the hayloft."

Morgana: *heavy with innuendo* "Before you rush off on your hunt, Arthur, why don't you take Merlin to check on the hayloft."

Arthur: "What?"

Morgana: *airily* "You know what Uther thinks. I mean, nothing's sacred these days, it seems. Sorcerers everywhere. God forbid there should be a sorcerer hiding in the hay. The two of you should go up there and make certain it's safe."

Arthur: "Morgana–"

Morgana: *sweetly* "You know you want to."

Gwen: *under her voice* "So does Merlin."

Merlin: "Hey!"

Gwen: "Hay is for horses, Merlin."

*Everybody else GROANS loudly*

Arthur: *deeply sarcastic* "Much as I'd like to continue this completely fascinating, intellectually stimulating conversation, I have work to do."

Merlin: "Work. You have work."

Arthur: "Well yes, Merlin, as it happens I do have to see to the running of this kingdom..."

Morgana: "I thought that was Uther's job."

Arthur: "...and the military exercises of the knights, and the overseeing of the patrols..."

Morgana: "Dear me."

Arthur: "...and the training of incompetent servants. So off you go, Merlin, chop chop. And don't forget to be at the stables in an hour. For God's sake, you won't be late this time?"

Merlin: "I don't think so."

Arthur: "You don't think so, what?"

Merlin: "I don't think so, sire."

Gwen: *comfortingly* "We'll see you later, Merlin."

Merlin: *sigh* "I'll see you at dinner, ladies, Gaius."

*Merlin rings off*

Arthur: "Really, Morgana, the way you talk to me in front of the help–"

Morgana: "The help?"

Arthur: "You know, Merlin and Gwen."

Gwen: *under her breath* "Let's just pretend that I'm not here, shall we?"

Morgana: *all sweetness* "Never mind, Arthur, they know better than to bother listening to us. And don't worry, childhood friend. We'll all stay far away from the stables this afternoon."

Arthur: "MORGANA!"

*Morgana rings off*

Gwen: "Well, I really must go. Morgana may need me to press her gown, there's dancing in the great hall tonight."

*Gwen rings off*

Arthur: "God, Gaius, if anyone had told me that the crown prince of Camelot would get so little respect from his subjects..."

*Arthur rings off*

Gaius: "I, for one, am grateful that Uther hasn't yet discovered the political efficacy of wiretapping."

*Gaius rings off*