Summary: Seifer's mental state while torturing Squall in D-District Prison.
An experimental piece inspired by Bob Flanagan's poem, 'Why'.
A little present for my girl Chemotaxis
Sick
By: Baby Chiba
You ask why…
The rigid clank of the rusted mechanism sounds as I rip it down again. The rhythmic hum of the electric currents echoes through the empty space. They dance around your chained body.
They rip a bloodcurdling scream from your raspy throat.
I can smell the burning flesh of your wrists, where the currents are hottest.
You convulse and arch so provocatively.
Why…
For an instance I feel myself falter. My intestines feel like they are knotting internally.
I want to laugh.
I can taste the bitter bile surging towards my mouth.
Why…
As if it was some profound existential question!
With a flick of my wrist the currents settle, the humming ceases.
Your body violently collapses against your bondage, like an abused marionette with tattered strings.
And I am the puppet master.
In that moment you find the strength to lift that heavy head of yours and through those sweaty, disheveled chocolate locks, pierce me with those stormy eyes.
And in that moment I felt those tattered strings I once controlled strangle me…
With that look you've raped me.
I feel everything and nothing.
I'm foaming at the mouth like a raving dog!
I'm quivering with disbelief!
I'm chewing my skin off with my dull canines.
I'm scathing, seething, raving mad!
I'm burning at the stake!
I'm freezing in the depths of an icy inferno!
I'm disintegrating like the ashes after a cremation!
I'm crucified like Hyne our fucking savior!
I'm sniveling like a fucking toddler back at the orphanage!
I want to scream
Laugh
Cry
Shout
Roar
Faint
Punch you
Ravage you
Kill you
Fuck you
Kiss you
Maim you
Love you
Degrade you
But you can't see any of that can you?
All you can see is my body tense and still, my hand clutching that switch.
I want so much to explain it to you, scream it at you, in a single shout that sends you reeling back to Balamb and crushes every bone in your being!
Why…
Why you ask?!
Because I'm sick
Because I was never actually brainwashed
Because I'm a sadistic fuck
Because I was born into a world of sickness
Because I say fuck all the sickness!
Because I felt compelled to
Because it makes me feel alive
Because SHE made me feel alive
Because I like the attention
Because SHE gave me attention
Because Matron only reprimanded me
Because I was special
Because I was alone, just like you
Because I wanted someone
Because I was an orphan
Because I was trained to kill
Because I had my humanity ripped from me
Because they put a gunblade in my hand and told me to kill
Because the only affection I ever got after six was when I slaughtered more grats than the next kid
Because I became addicted to the smell of blood
Because it was all around me
Because it feels nice to be able to control something around you for once instead of it controlling you
Because I like to kill
Because of gunblades, shotguns, nun chucks, whips, pinwheels, rifles, knives, chains, needles, grats, bite bugs, behemoth, ultima weapon, Ultimecia, T-Rex, Toramas, Sorceresses, red bats, ruby dragon, NORG, Jelly eyes, Guardian forces, soldiers…
Because it's all I know
Because it makes me feel invincible
Because it's survival of the fittest, and I'm too fucking afraid to fall behind!
Because it gives me purpose
Because my life is meaningless
Because the institution of training children to be assassins is fucked up
Because no one cared enough to give me a proper childhood
Because I was born into a world of suffering
Because when I think of all the cruelty I get bloodthirsty
Because I hate the cruelty
Because it's a vicious cycle, you hate what you've become and you become what you hate
Because people fear me when I'm ravenous
Because that power is all consuming
Because it's real
Because I don't know what's real anymore
Because I had a romantic dream
Because I became a knight
Because it's a valiant act
Because I'm bound by delusions of servitude
Because it's my nature
Because it's against my nature
Because I'm suffering
Because suffering is sweet
Because I reek of death
Because I'm a murderer
Because there's blood on your hands as much as mine
Because we're brothers in this, til death do us part
Because we're rivals
Because you always hurt the ones you love
Because human nature is twisted and fucked
Because I'm attracted to it
Because I am sick…
But all that falls on deaf ears.
I won't speak it.
And you won't hear it.
I engage the electric currents once more.
And become engulfed by the cacophony of your screams, which lulls me into a sick, sick serenity…