CHAPTER 42: Conversations

They'd gotten the scalpel away from Misa. She was fine. Yes, she was fine, but Rem was hunched over, subtly shaking.

L inspected Percy again, afraid that his attention being drawn elsewhere so vigorously could result in either dropping the baby or holding him too tightly. At the mere thought of such things, it felt as if his stomach was dropping out from his insides. Any idea of harm to Percy was completely unacceptable.

No, Percy was fine. He was oblivious to the events. Still crying, but, if anything, crying more softly.

There was Misa's voice again, "Kill me."

It was soft yet demanding, and chills ran all through L's body at the tone of the words.

The nurse was attempting to take Percy. L made eye contact with her and then let her, carefully distributing the weight as Percy was handed over, being careful not to hurt him. Percy felt so tiny and fragile it was frightening just to do such a simple procedure as transferring him from one set of arms to another.

In the next moment L looked back to Rem and was glad he didn't have Percy in his arms any longer. Rem was writing. L might, really might, have dropped Percy at seeing such a thing.

And Rem was writing, still writing, her death note held open but angled so L couldn't see the page. Was she writing lots of names? L shuddered. Rem had snapped, was that it?

He wanted to say something to Rem, to beg her to limit her killing to as few as possible, but the only thing that passed his lips was a pathetic, wheezing, "Please..."

L brought his legs back up, his knees pressing to his chest as he perched on the chair, his arms wrapped tightly around them.

Rem finished writing, and stared, simply stared, toward Misa. Rem's face was draw out, haunted. L thought that he would see that expression in his nightmares in days to come.

There was a sudden laugh from Misa and the doctors surrounding her happened to move in such a way that L could see her face again, and it looked entirely untroubled, contented. It was like the face of a saint in some old painting, radiating a calm beyond anything earthly.

L began to suspect, to understand, what was happening.

Rem turned toward L then, and Rem said, "Misa could not have made her wishes more clear, and though I waited she never changed her mind. This was the only way... the only way she could be happy."

L could feel his heart pounding in his chest, could taste dry sourness in his mouth.

I am not glad that she is dying.

Rem opened her notebook, dangling it in front of L's face, showing him.

Misa's name was the only one that had been written... so far. She would live for 23 days, as happy as it was possible for a person to be the entire time. Her mind would still be her own, and she would make decisions as rationally as if she were not overloaded with bliss. When the time came, she would die painlessly in her sleep.

With Misa dying, I have no protection. I must know.

Ignoring the stares from the nurse and the two men who were close enough to hear him, L softly said, "Are you planning to kill me in revenge, Rem? Is that what you intend to do?"

He waited passively. Death would almost be a relief at this point, but a much greater relief would be knowing that Rem wouldn't kill. Either way, a burden would be lifted.

Rem said, "Misa would not have wanted that. Deaths should be for a reason, and I see no reason to kill you, L Lawliet. I believe you may love her. You had many chances to betray her, yet you never chose to do so. I also know that she loves you."

It does not matter if Rem thinks so. None of it matters any longer. I will live, Watari will live. Things will get better.

Rem gazed over her shoulder at Misa, her look saturated with longing.

Rem said, "I am forbidden from telling you how long she had left, however I can tell you that it was not a long time. She halved her lifespan twice, an enormously foolish thing to do. This way... this way, she can have more happiness in twenty-three days than some humans have in an entire lifetime."

L almost decided to disappear that day. But he stayed instead.

He reasoned that if Misa's husband disappeared, and then Misa died shortly afterwards, it might start trouble of some sort. At the very least, it would hurt Yumiko. At the worst it might cause the Kira suspicions that had focused on Misa to intensify and refocus on "Hideki Ryuga" strongly enough to cause trouble, such as creating greater scrutiny at airports for anyone matching L's appearance.

And he also thought his decision to stay had something to do with Percy. Percy was somehow always on his mind. He wanted the best for him, and he was gratified when Misa showed no interest in being a mother. Misa would not breastfeed Percy and refused to hold him, not even once.

It was all the more eerie that she was so cheerful while refusing to touch her son, that she was so cheerful doing everything that she did. It was almost horrifying to see emotions forced on Misa by an outside source. Each one of Misa's doctors and therapists tried to take credit for the extreme change, though several were deeply suspicious that it was somehow an act that would suddenly fall apart.

L kept up the same schedule of eating one meal a day with Misa. The staff would notice if he changed his habits, and he reasoned that enduring Misa would be easier, knowing that there were a limited number of visits left.

It wasn't exactly easier. It was the strangest experience of L's life. Misa radiated peace and bliss. Even when she wasn't actually smiling, her face was so utterly and bizarrely calm that it set off all of L's instincts of "wrongness" and made him feel as if his judgment was flawed, as if he could no longer evaluate people.

He found himself rethinking the importance of attitude in personality. After all, Misa still had an unclouded mind. That much had been written. It was not like an endless drug trip for her; she was simply extremely happy. Yet that shift in attitude had changed so much about her. Living life with no regrets, no pain, no fear, it truly made a difference in personality.

L watched Misa warily, thinking of her as not-Misa, almost expecting some alien to be living beneath her skin. He was left with an internal sense of not being able to figure her out, despite knowing exactly what had caused the change: Rem.

He didn't like Misa, no. But he couldn't feel angry at this version of her. And when he thought of Misa's approaching death, he alternated between feeling a sharp pang in his heart or feeling completely numb and worn out.

When Yumiko first saw the new Misa, her reaction was walking around Misa, looking at her from every side, as if she expected some trick.

Then Yumiko said, "What drugs do they have her on? Because I would really like some."

Misa had laughed at that and hugged Yumiko.

L secretly arranged things so that Yumiko would have more time off of work, so she could visit Misa more frequently.

And, during all the time Misa's death approached, L got to know Percy better. There were nannies and medical workers to care for Percy, to feed him and burp him and check on him constantly during the night. L knew his own life wasn't disrupted the way that a normal new parent's life would be disrupted. But he felt drawn to Percy when he was away too long, anxious, his thoughts dwelling on him, imagining that Percy somehow wasn't receiving adequate care. Percy cried a lot, and L had to keep reassuring himself, by reading books and articles that told him Percy's total time spent crying was within the normal range.

And then L would find himself in the nursery, time and again, leaning over the railing on Percy's crib and watching him. He liked to watch Percy sleep, and, when Percy was awake, L would often dangle a hand, delighted when Percy focused his eyes on it and grabbed at it.

And if Percy managed to catch a finger he would squeeze very, very hard. L would grunt in pain and endure it. Strength was a good quality. It was another piece of evidence that Percy was growing and developing as he should, along with his skin turning a normal color and his body subtly filling out, no longer so wrinkled and odd-looking.

Yet L still had moments when he was afraid of Percy. To limit these, L deliberately tried to not look at Percy's ears, but other things could set him off as well and there was no way to avoid all of it. At least, no way without avoiding Percy altogether.

With the case closing definitively, there was another urge that was growing in L. He wanted to deny it, but the idea kept coming back into his mind, gnawing at him, refusing to go away. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but it didn't feel as if it would go away on its own. From the time it first occurred to him, it became a compulsion that grew in his mind. The compulsion was fed by a sense of isolation, as if he had no closure, no proper end to what had happened.

Rem didn't care where he went any longer, and so it was not hard to arrange the visit. He first had Wedy scout out the area, to be sure he'd be unobserved, scanning it for any hidden cameras or bugs. It was clean and safe. He also made sure that his visit would not coincide with a time that Sayu or Sachiko would be there. He did not feel as if he could ever face either one of them.

Their graves were side by side. Father and son. Mercifully, the surviving family members thought they'd both been killed by Kira, not that one had been secretly Kira all along and that he had been complicit in his father's death. L went directly to Soichiro's grave first. He swallowed painfully as he gazed at the neat, sharp outlines of the kanji carved into the gravestone. L crouched in the grass, imagining Soichiro before him.

L said, "Chief Yagami, I could not tell you this while you were alive, and I suspect that you are unable to hear me now, but I feel as if I won't rest until I try. Even though Misa killed you, your death was completely my fault. I should not have written Light's name, and I certainly should not have written Light's name without first securing Misa. Additionally, there were many points in the investigation where a different choice by myself would have likely resulted in Light's capture."

A gust of warm summer wind blew through the treetops. The graveyard was full of rich, deep greens. The grass was vibrant, and the leaves of the trees as well, with no hint of the autumn that would arrive in a few weeks. L knew he was going to be twenty-six years old in a couple of months. It hardly seemed real.

L said, "Although, if you are capable of hearing me now, then I expect you already know these things. Nothing I can say to you would improve anything. It is more for my own benefit that I am here."

He wanted to be doing something with his fingers. He absently plucked a blade of grass and began delicately shredding it into long strips.

"Perhaps I could not have saved your life, Chief Yagami. I still believe my evaluation is correct, that you would have committed suicide if your son were proven as Kira. In those last moments, when everyone was dropping around you, I could see it in your eyes. Did you always suspect him?"

There was no answer, only the warmth of the sun beating down on L's back and the fresh scents of outdoors. Graveyards, they were very much built to be everything that death wasn't, to be sweet-smelling and beautiful and calm. L finished shredding the blade of grass and let the pieces fall from his fingers before plucking another one.

L said, "No, I think you likely would have killed yourself unless I had trapped Light in such a way that his only chance at escape was to destroy the notebook. That would have been a difficult circumstance to create, but it was the only way things would have turned out well for everyone. But this fact does not resolve me of any responsibility in the way you actually died, and it is certainly true the others would still be alive if not for my mistake."

L wanted Aizawa to yell at him, he wanted Matsuda to say something silly, and he wanted Mogi to be standing silently in the background, working hard and reliably as he always did. L did not plan to visit their graves too, in entirely different cemeteries. It would be too much, especially after seeing Matsuda as a hallucination. And, somehow, he always felt more responsible towards the chief. Was it because Soichiro was the leader of the task force? Or was it because L had seen Soichiro suffering while alive, unlike the others who were mostly oblivious?

L said, "I am sorry, Chief Yagami," once more, before moving over to Light's grave.

This time, he merely looked at the headstone and did not try to envision Light. No, he knew better than that. The blood-bubbles and severed tongue would appear before him if he tried to.

L said, "Light, I did not like you. I have never liked any murderers and I could virtually tell you were one from the moment I first saw you. But I have never met anyone else who operated at precisely at my level of thinking, and I miss our conversations. I wish we could have had one last real talk. This will have to substitute. I will not return here."

Though he had tried not to, L did have images of Light's death scene flash into his mind.

He said, "Light, you deserved to be caught, but you did not deserve to die that way. You did not even deserve to be murdered in the painless way I had intended for you. What I did to you was incredibly wrong, and it was cheating. I did not win over you, I cheated. I am a criminal. The trust funds that your mother and sister will be paid from for the rest of their lives, these cannot even begin to make up for what I did to you and your father."

L plucked more grass blades, fiercely, but threw them down again, unable to draw any calmness from playing with them.

He said, "You have destroyed L. I became a murderer for you and... L will never take another case. By letting out some necessary information to the NPA and Interpol, and by asking permission to kill Mikami instead of planning to murder him, I sealed L's fate. There are already factions that are very interested in Kira's power, factions that wish to capture L to force him to tell the secret of Kira's power, of how it can be transferred from one person to another. Even if my latest actions had not made the NPA suspect that L was on Kira's side, the fact of people wanting to capture and torture L to get Kira's secrets would destroy L anyway. I will take more cases, I am taking more cases, but 'L' the detective is dead."

L sighed and added, "I hope my successors become capable detectives in their own right, but they will never be L. Nobody will ever be L again, not even myself."

L wanted to leave then, but it felt as if things were still unsaid that needed to be spoken. He wanted to get it all out on one trip, wanted for there never to be another visit here. He crouched, waiting, until the words were welling up in his mind again.

L said, "Perhaps we were too well-matched. Perhaps we would have destroyed each other no matter how things turned out, neither of us able to win a clean victory. I threw the police and every strategy I had at you, and you threw monsters and everything else you could think of at me. Rem, Ryuk, and Misa, they were all monsters."

He suddenly had vivid memories leap into his mind of how it had felt for Misa to bring him such pleasure and shame all at once, his mouth crying out helplessly, his hips instinctually thrusting, his own body responding to her touches and betraying him, as if his body and Misa were cooperating to rape him. It was hate, confusion, lust, revulsion, ecstasy and a dozen other things all mixed together in a horrid stew of emotions.

L looked down, his eyes tracing the contours of grass blades, and he whispered, "She raped me, Light. Did you think she had it in her to do that? I wonder, if you had ever rejected her, and if she'd had an opportunity to force you, if she would have... if she would... to you too."

There was no answer to his words, only a rush of wind tossing the tops of the trees; their pillar-like trunks lined up like the columns of a cathedral. Everything looked very peaceful and beautiful.

"I have never had any pride, Light. I do not let people harm me unless I have no choice, but I have very little concern for what they think of me. I am the opposite of you in that way. I don't understand why people attach such importance to their pride. I think that is the flaw which made you Kira, though if you'd led a more ordinary life, your pride probably would not have brought you much trouble except for some hurt emotions of those around you."

L breathed more freely. It felt like getting something off his chest, releasing a burden, coming clean. His own thoughts were suddenly clearer.

If Light had never turned down the wrong path, he would have been a good counterpoint to my own thinking. When Light could not remember being Kira, there was nothing evil about him.

L added, "With your narcissistic personality and your inability to question your own judgment, your fate was sealed the moment you found that cursed thing. Your father was right. It is a tempting power that brings doom on those who have it. Even after seeing what had happened to you, I nearly fell into that trap myself. I had no right to judge you so harshly. What you did as Kira was a terrible crime, and it should have been stopped, but it was an understandable course of action for you to take. Not excusable, but understandable. You probably would not have killed anyone if you'd been forced to get your hands dirty in order to do it, if you'd been forced to watch every victim bleed and die as ordinary murderers must do."

L waited, to see if more words were coming, but instead a sense of finality slowly settled over him as he crouched there in front of Light's grave. He'd said everything that was important to say, everything that he wished he could have said to a still-living Light.

L said, "Goodbye, Light" and left the graveyard, never to return.

It was a different graveyard he visited about a week afterwards, when they were burying Misa. Or, rather, when they were burying Misa's ashes, as she'd been cremated in the Buddhist fashion.

L had stayed away from the funeral itself. He had also stayed away when Misa's day of death arrived, preferring to spend his time wandering through museums in Tokyo, shutting it out of his mind, ignoring the confusing emotions that would overwhelm him in a rush from time to time.

But, somehow, Misa's burial drew him, with that same feeling of a need for closure that had pushed him into visiting Soichiro's grave and Light's grave.

It was raining very lightly that day, intermittent sprinkles that were not quite enough to need an umbrella, but enough to leave L slightly damp, cold and shivering. He was too stubborn to leave to fetch a coat.

He stood apart from the group of relatives burying her, not wanting to mingle with them, needing to observe and yet to avoid participation, conversation.

L almost succeeded, but Yumiko somehow managed to sneak up behind him. It was the fumbling with her umbrella that alerted him to her presence, and it was so loud and startling, where he hadn't expected anything, that he almost jumped into the air. Instead, he turned around slowly, and watched Yumiko trying to fold up her umbrella into a little pouch it came in. She was failing over and over. Her movements were clumsy and at last she shoved the tangled mess of half-folded umbrella into her purse.

The sky had recently stopped the slight sprinkling, but it was still gray and overcast. There were a few breaks in the clouds, but they were a long distance away, towards the horizon.

Yumiko didn't say a word at first. She was quiet and subdued. She constantly sniffed and rubbed at her nose, but there were no tears falling from her eyes.

It was taking forever to bury Misa. L wondered if there were some hitch, some delay, or whether his need to be done with things simply made it feel longer.

Misa wasn't truly evil. She was just very, very misguided, as most criminals are. Few criminals act from purely evil motives. If she had never obtained a murderer's notebook, she would have been, at worst, a shallow and selfish person. She would not have become a murderer and rapist, and she would not have caused any serious harm to others.

Yumiko's voice suddenly cut into his thoughts, loud but not loud enough to be heard by any of the relatives gathered around the grave.

"I know."

When she spoke, her speech was very slurred. One foot lurched forward suddenly and L jumped back. Yumiko's high heel cut a chunk from the turf. L wasn't sure if it had been simply drunken unsteadiness or an attempt to kick him.

The lurch abruptly turned into one leg sliding forward while the other slid backwards on the wet lawn, Yumiko twisting and then falling heavily onto her side, her dress smeared with grass-stains.

L hesitated and then held out a hand to help her up.

She looked at him before taking it. He couldn't tell if her gaze held hatred or pity.

L pulled her up and then finished steadying Yumiko, as much as he could, and he couldn't think what to say, so he said, "I am sorry for your loss."

Yumiko said, "I lost her a long time ago, a long time."

After a pause, Yumiko said, "I know she fooled... she fooled the doctors. She did kill herself, didn't she... brilliant actress... brilliant. Nobody could stop her."

L said, "That is entirely possible."

Yumiko's eyes fixed on the knot of relatives gathered a little distance away. She seemed to sober abruptly, and she said, "Nobody knows except for me. I'll keep the secret, Ryuga. In her next life, Misa will do better. I'll pray for her. She'll reincarnate and try again. Everyone has to die sometime."

A few stray raindrops fell, and L shook them out of his hair.

Suddenly, Yumiko said, "You're L, aren't you?"

A chill ran down L's spine. Keeping his voice even and normal, he said, "What do you mean?"

Yumiko made a little, sarcastic-sounding laugh and said, "Misa practically told me. She told me enough that... the rest was easy. She was the second Kira, and you are L, isn't that right?"

Is she trying to trick me into confirming it? But, what does it matter now?

Still, L took a few steps backwards, unable to help it. Watari's limousine was almost out of sight behind a curve of a hill, but still within easy running distance.

L said, "Whether it is true or not, nobody will believe you if you tell them. Also, it is dangerous to know anything about L. There are people who would like to capture L, if they think he is still alive. It is not something you should talk about."

"And that's why L had to fake his death. Kira disappeared, and L too, and the police won't say anything to the media, but leaks from the police say that Kira and L killed each other."

"Obviously."

Yumiko let out a big sigh, then put a hand in her purse and brought out a flask in a trembling hand, and took a big swig from it. She immediately seemed calmer, staring in the distance dreamily, not making eye contact.

She said, "You'll take Percy away, won't you?"

"Yes."

Yumiko said, "Promise me... promise me that Percy won't know about any of this. Keep him away from Uncle Izumi. He'll do just what he did to Misa. He'll convince Percy that his mother's death was somehow his fault."

"You realize, Yumiko, that it would be difficult for you to see Percy under those circumstances, don't you?"

"Yes. It's more important for Percy to have a better chance at a good life."

L said, "Then, I will do my best."

L shoved his hands into his pockets, where it was slightly warmer, and continued to stare at the proceedings. He hoped that none of the other relatives would try to talk with him, and his wishes were granted. Yumiko's presence seemed to be a deterrent to them. They flung some odd stares in his direction, but never approached closely.

Surely, not giving them any money had something to do with it.

He watched until the last of Misa's relatives had dispersed and then he made his way back to Watari's limousine, his tennis shoes making odd sounds in the wet grass with each step, his insides feeling numb, as from a long, hard session of work.

L had known, ever since the visit to Soichiro's grave, that there was one more debt to be paid. Most of the debts he owed could never be repaid, but that made the few he was able to repay all the more important. Even if there was a slight element of danger involved.

L waited until after Percy had been situated in his mansion in the Scottish countryside, his preferred headquarters whenever he wasn't traveling. And then he waited a few more months just to be safer, all the while completely bewildered at how he wasn't getting used to being a father, and how hard it was to care for a baby even with nannies and servants to help with every step of the process.

He was 26 years old and it was winter again before he showed up at Ide's door one evening.

Ide opened the door, looking tired and a little impatient, and said "Yes?"

Ide's eyes flicked downward to the level of L's hands, as if he expected L to be carrying pamphlets or selling something.

L said, "I am here to tell you the truth about the way Soichiro Yagami, Tota Matsuda, Kanzo Mogi and Shuichi Aizawa died."

Ide looked startled, then narrowed his eyes and said, "Who are you?"

"I am L. It would be best if I come inside, or if you prefer I have a car waiting that can take us to a private place."

Ide glanced down the hallway in both directions, an unnecessary precaution since L had made sure the entire floor had been cleared of occupants before approaching, and then Ide motioned for L to come inside.

As soon as Ide closed the door, he turned to L, looking him up and down searchingly, as if still evaluating what he was seeing, and said, "Ryuk told me you were still alive. He didn't tell me you're a teenager."

"I'm older than I look. Shall we sit?"

Ide said, "I will put coffee on. Take any seat."

L slipped out of his shoes and hopped into a small chair, leaving the couch for Ide.

Ide was halfway to the kitchen when his head popped back around the corner and he said, "What are you doing here? You know I don't like you, or your methods."

L said, "That is okay. I am here to pay a debt."

Ide disappeared into the kitchen, following by sounds of water running and dishes clanging. Then he returned, stopping short and staring again.

Ide said, "Why don't you sit normally?"

L said, "My feet are clean. If you wish I'll send you enough money for a new chair."

L gazed at the apartment, dingy, cramped, and messy. Furniture was arranged haphazardly, which made for even less room than there should have been. It was a typical bachelor pad for a working man on a small salary.

L said, "I expected to see you in a bigger apartment, considering the bonus pay you're receiving for risking your life chasing Kira."

Ide approached closer and said, "You are him, aren't you? You're the real L?"

"Yes."

Ide settled onto the couch, an uneasy expression on his face, and said, "Why are you really here? If you're supposed to be dead, isn't this blowing your cover?"

"You have no idea who I am, beyond the fact that I am L, and you will not be able to find me after this. There is still a risk, yes, but I need to tell you a few things. I owe the entire team, and I cannot help those who are already dead. When I recruited you to find Ryuk, I told you that you would probably learn the truth about how Aizawa died. Since I cannot help Aizawa in any way, I decided that I at least owe you the truth. You can do whatever you wish with it. However, it would probably be safer for you if you keep quiet."

"Why did you fake your death?"

"I was being threatened by two different Kiras and one shinigami, so that I could not take any action. The situation finally proceeded to a point where any assurances I might give the NPA claiming that I was not on Kira's side would not do any good, unless I could provide them the evidence. Since I was unable to hand over any evidence, letting them think I was dead was the best option. Even now, giving them the evidence would not necessarily make them look on L any more favorably, and it would certainly draw the attention of elements who would wish to use L to steal Kira's power for their own purposes."

Ide rubbed his chin and said, "Well, it worked. Most of them think L is dead. I could tell them different, but it's not like any would believe me."

"Yes, I already know this."

Ide stared.

With that, L started talking, telling the story of chasing Kira from the beginning, editing out nothing except details relating to his identity, or to other secrets, or to his emotions.

During the session, Ide left and brought coffee, and they both slowly drank their way through the entire pot, L deliberately not asking for sugar, as he didn't want to put Ide out more than he already had been. It was awkward enough already, being in a near-stranger's apartment, someone who obviously didn't like L and made no attempt to hide it. Ide flashed looks of anger or consternation at L at a number of points in the narrative.

As L told the story, he did not try to make his own role sound heroic. He pointed out all his mistakes, the points at which the case could have been solved quickly if he'd simply made a different decision or had come to the right deduction sooner. He mentioned the torture and rape in simple, clinical terms, not dwelling on anything dramatic. And he left out all details dealing with Wammy's House or Matt or Wedy, not admitting that Matt was a teenager or that Wedy was an ex-burglar he'd decided to not turn in to the justice system.

Still, one hand trembled just slightly when he got to certain parts, not enough to spill his coffee, but he could see Ide's eyes drawn to it, Ide's face taking note of the reaction.

When he got to the end of the story, he waited, turning his now-cold cup around and around in his hand, though it was empty and there was no more coffee to be had.

After the end, Ide asked questions, most of them pointed and at least slightly accusing, and L answered them as honestly as possible, trying not to be defensive, trying to hold back his irritation at exposing so much of himself for such a reason.

He told himself it was for Matsuda, for Aizawa, and for the others. He couldn't fulfill his obligations to them, so telling the truth to Ide was the least he could do. But he found himself returning Ide's glares all the same.

They ended the discussion abruptly and awkwardly. As L left, he knew Ide still didn't respect him, but he felt better. A last task had been completed, and there was nothing else to bind him to Japan.

Fatherhood, along with the task of finally training his successors, took over his life in the months after that. The training was the easier part. Working cases, while testing Near, Mello, Matt and Linda, these were things that he felt immensely comfortable with.

Being a father was more puzzling than any case, a deep mystery he couldn't solve. His methods felt all wrong. No, they actually were wrong. L knew he wasn't much of a parent. Nannies did most of the work, making L feel like an observer in his own son's life. Even Rem, who took an unhealthy interest in Percy during her visits, seemed to have a greater role than he did.

Jealous of the nannies, L replaced them on a regular basis, determined that Percy would never get attached enough to view any nanny as a surrogate mother. Getting rid of Rem was not possible, though L was able to convince her that it would be wrong to enable Percy to see her, that if she continued to visit him and he could see her, then it would mark him as insane when he got older, and would ruin his life.

Yet L's partially-removed status did not stop the reactions from happening. L still reacted badly to Percy's ears, enough that he often had Percy wear a cap that covered them, and he never knew when Percy was going to smile in a particular way or scratch his neck just so and cause a flashback to Misa's abuse.

Early on, L had believed that his emotions toward Percy would, with time, resolve themselves into something less complicated, into something that was not dominated by possessiveness and fear, but his expectation of that change only diminished as time passed. It was increasingly obvious that it wasn't happening.

There were plans in L's mind, emergency back-up plans that he tried not to think about, tried to push away. But one day, when he had become so immersed in his work he felt almost hypnotized, almost removed from the world, Watari came to him and said something startling.

"If I am not mistaken, you have not seen Percy for nearly a month. He will be one year old soon, and I wanted to know what we will be doing for his birthday."

L dropped the doughnut he'd been preparing to bite.

One year. It really has been that long. This is not good. It isn't working.

He hadn't seen Percy for a month because he'd had a terrible argument with a nanny, followed by a firing that had gone particularly badly. He couldn't help but feel in his gut that he had been unjust to her, and that guilt, along with the reactions Percy caused, had made him throw himself into his work with a particular sense of abandon.

The back-up plans all came rushing back into his head at once, and he realized he'd need to sort through them and choose.

L said, "As soon as Rem returns, tell her we need to talk, the three of us."

"And about the birthday preparations?"

"Those won't be in our hands."

It was only a few hours until Rem showed up again, but by that point L had decided on the details of his plan. He'd even created a new birth certificate and a false history for Percy. Percy would have a new last name, though he would keep the same first name.

They held the meeting in a large room that had over-stuffed furniture all around the edges, high windows with window-seats, and nothing that a baby could topple over onto himself. Along with Watari and Rem, L had Percy there, without any nanny, and after hanging onto the edge of L's chair and playing with L's toes, Percy lost interest and began circling the room on unsteady legs while holding onto furniture. He couldn't stand on his own, not yet, but he was getting very skilled at walking as long as he had a tight grip on something to support him.

L started by saying, "I am thinking about Percy's needs. He is being raised by nannies, and if I continue with this lifestyle, he will not have much contact with other children and he will not have any stable relationships."

Rem's gaze followed Percy as he continued to move along a sedan chair, and she said, "If you did not fire the nannies so often, one of them would have bonded with Percy by now."

"That would not help Percy much. I am being selfish by keeping him like this. It is a parenting instinct that compels me to have possession of him, but I must overrule it with logic, for Percy's own good."

Percy looked at Watari and let out a stream of babbling syllables.

L said, "Percy may already have subconscious memories of me. In another year, there would be a risk that he could develop conscious memories of me. If I am going to let him go, it should be soon. He is probably not attached to me and he'll soon develop normal relationships with others, without any emotional pain."

Rem said, "I don't understand."

I want to forget, but every time I see him I remember the bad times with Misa.

L said, "It would be cruel to raise him this way, to subject him to the isolation and secrecy of my life, to let him see that I'm afraid of him, to ever risk that he may someday know what situation led to his existence. He is intelligent enough that he will eventually figure out at least part of it unless I first put enough distance between myself and him."

Rem said, "It is the rape trauma, then."

"Yes, it is the rape trauma, and the fact that not everyone who becomes a parent should be a parent. It was unplanned and I am not suited to the role. I have tried, and I failed."

Watari said, "You are not thinking of sending him to Misa's relatives?"

L said, "No, that would be a disaster."

Percy lost his grip, and Rem swooped in and caught him mid-fall, lowering him gently to the carpet. Percy wasn't startled at all; he simply rolled onto his stomach and started crawling. He was used to invisible touches, and L frowned at the thought of it. He wanted Rem to stop showing any interest in Percy. It was like having a tiger interested in your child.

L said, "Rem, I have managed to keep this a secret up until now, but I no longer see how telling the secret to you could do any harm, and if you continue to follow Percy you will find out anyway. As Quillsh Wammy, Watari runs orphanages all over the world. Most populous countries have one of them. Each one is called Wammy's House, and I was raised in one myself, the one in England. These are places where Percy would be with other children, and he would receive an excellent education."

"You'll send him to that one?"

"No, the caretaker for the English Wammy's House, Roger, is not good with children. I believe the most suitable place would be in the French Wammy's House."

Watari said, "I concur. Madame L'Ecuyer does an excellent job with the children, especially the very young ones."

Rem looked at Watari, then at L, and at last her gaze fell on Percy.

He had rolled onto his back and was trying to get his toes into his mouth.

She said, "I approve of this decision. Misa's relatives are manipulative and play mind games. They were always saying hurtful things to Misa and belittling her. L Lawliet, will you ever visit him?"

L replied, "I will assume the identity of Elliot Wammy, the nephew of Quillsh Wammy. Elliot Wammy will reluctantly take a greater interest in his uncle's chain of orphanages, as part of the process of being groomed to eventually take over. I will visit Percy, not as a father, but as a benefactor. I will see him exactly as often as I see the others. I will not leave any clues, or any reason to expect favoritism."

Some instinct deep within L made him want to immediately reverse his decision, to announce that the plan had been discarded and he was keeping Percy after all. Instead, he hopped out of his seat and made his way to the center of the floor, crouching next to Percy.

He dangled a hand in front of Percy's face, and Percy grabbed L's index finger, tightly, tight enough to cut off the blood flow.

L used his other hand to brush the hair away from Percy's eyes and said, "Goodbye, Percy. You will leave today. When I see you again, I will not be your father."

Percy's absence left L with more time and with an emptiness that needed to be filled. He threw himself into the role of Elliot Wammy and into the role of training his top four successors. In the process, he could tell he was becoming somewhat more of a social person, learning new skills, developing new needs, more frequently interacting directly with people instead of only giving orders through a computer or phone.

Percy was two years old before L became involved in his first post-Misa physical relationship. As he began to navigate that aspect of life as well, he discovered that he was always drawn to women who were the opposite of Misa. He found himself dating women who were taller than him, those who had curves and flesh instead of Misa's tiny frame, and he absolutely shrank away in revulsion from blond hair or from any tendency to wear a lot of make-up.

L never counted himself as normal, and did not think it was in his nature to ever be anything resembling normal.

Yet he knew that his life had eventually normalized, in a way. He'd started the Kira case as one person, and once he'd ended it and recovered from the after-effects, he'd become a different person. He knew he would never be the same L as before.

And that was perfectly fine.

A/N (Author's Note):

Well, we've finally gotten to the last chapter, after more than a year. I can hardly believe that I once thought I might be done by Christmas 2009, when it is now close to Christmas 2010. I know the last six months have been particularly slow, as has happened with all my fics, and I can only say that writer's block and extreme busyness both hit me unexpectedly.

I want to thank everyone who has been reading updates as they come out for a long time. It takes a lot of patience for readers to keep waiting on an ongoing story, and a lot of faith that it will eventually be finished, since so many fanfics get ultimately abandoned. I've tried to earn your trust, and I hope I've provided an entertaining experience that was worth the risks and waiting.

For any new readers who only read finished fanfics and skipped to the last chapter to read the last chapter's author's note before reading the fic: don't read this note before reading the fic. It will spoil you for the ending and basically all the plot twists (just putting this in here because I've gotten private messages from people who did exactly that and spoiled themselves).

Okay, so anyone still reading this A/N at this point should have read the entire fic so I'll just go ahead and discuss all the spoilers.

I've had this ending planned out since around chapter 6 or so: Misa commits suicide by getting Rem to kill her. At least one person guessed that ending, and I suppose it's not terribly odd because Misa attempts to do so in canon. Rem agreeing is the unusual part, and I hope I showed enough character development and enough development of the situation to make it believable that Rem would kill Misa.

I also wanted to show Misa having abusing relatives, but not abusive in the typical overused (and often overly dramatic) ways of physical or sexual abuse. I wanted something different: emotional abuse and unhealthy power structures, and nothing more. I wanted to show this "merely" emotional abuse as being damaging to Misa (and to others, such as Yumiko) and as being a factor in Misa's craziness and her poor decision-making skills.

Canon Misa isn't stupid. She is actually quite intelligent, but she has some odd ideas and is completely irrational at times, and I've always felt as if her canon backstory (even as tragic and improbable as it is) doesn't completely explain her flaws and her personality.

Speaking of Misa's family, they are the OCs that have been given the largest roles in my fics (though Misa's sister is technically a canon character, she's unnamed, manga-only, and is only mentioned once briefly, never shown, so she is practically an OC too). I usually bring in OCs only for brief appearances and then quickly get rid of them, so this is my first experience in spending a lot of time developing OCs from scratch and then using them for something long-term.

I've found the experience difficult. Canon characters are easier because you can imagine how the character will react to a situation, based on their established personality. OCs don't have anything pre-established, and I've felt as if I was struggling, making mistakes, and having inconsistent characterization the entire time. It was a lot more effort, and I felt less sure of my decisions. I think, in some ways, Yumiko turned out as something of a caricature, but I learned things in building and developing her that I hope will help my from-scratch character-building skills in the future.

Some of the plot twists in later chapters were decided on fairly late in the writing process, and I realized that I'd had it so all the Kiras commit suicide, after I'd already decided on plot twists that made that ending the most logical choice. Three suicides is kind of repetitious and also a bit of a cop-out, since L never ends up putting anyone on trial or proceeding further in the investigation than getting into a stalemate with Rem. I hope that wasn't boring, and that the differing reasons for it helped make up for the repetitiousness: for Light, that L had controlled him to commit suicide, for Mikami, that it was the only way to thwart any attempt at control so he could pull off the world-hostage gambit, and for Misa because her belief in Kira's cause had been shattered in a couple of different ways and she couldn't live with the murders she'd committed.

If you've read to the end, please review if you can. Even if you hated it, you won't damage my ego, and any flaws you point out could very well improve my future writing (though it won't improve this fic, other than cleaning up typos or other minor mistakes, because I've already done enough work on it to be quite tired out and I'm not rewriting any plot twists).

I realize this ending leaves things open for a sequel, either of L pursuing further cases, or of Percy growing up with Rem semi-watching over him, but I do not intend to write any sequel. If anyone else wants to, go ahead; just place a credit to me somewhere on your work.

The possibilities for interquels also exists, such as exactly what Wedy and Aiber did in their failed mission to rescue L and Watari, or telling about events in Wammy's House when L wasn't there, or Matt's adventures fleeing with both death notes, or Mikami's last few days of life having a giant orgy with prostitutes. I might write any of these at some future point, especially if people ask for them, but I'm going to try and finish my other unfinished fics first.

"Fifty Days" has been a long fic, and I've had a lot of fun. I'm going to miss it, now that it's finished.