Disclaimers: Transformers © Hasbro
Warnings: AU and can be considered crack. It's certainly a crack pairing for me!
Notes: I don't know where the hell this came from. It's not a usual pairing for... hell, anyone to be honest. But I'm hoping this'll get rid of it.

Sideswipe leaned on the wall and scowled at the brig's current inhabitant, who seemed perfectly content to ignore the 'bot. It wasn't every day that they managed to shoot down a seeker on the battlefield, and the fact that it was Starscream meant that they had a pretty strong bargaining chip in the first place. Since the air commander had, obviously, been wounded during capture, Ratchet with his usual if-they're-broke-fix-'em attitude insisted that the seeker be brought to Repair Bay Alpha before being taken to the brig.

And at that point the command team discovered that they had a stronger bargaining chip than they realized. During the course of repairs, Ratchet had been forced to remove much of the extra kibble that the air commander was sporting. In doing so, he discovered that the additional armour served to not only bulk up the classically-frail seeker frame but also disguise the fact that Starscream was a femme. He also found out that that Decepticon second in command was carrying a new-spark, one that could only have been conceived in the past forty-eight hours and that Starscream had not been aware of until the medbot asked why she was in battle in the first place.

In keeping with his medic's code, Ratchet had completed repairs, declined to replace the additional unnecessary armour pieces, and reported his findings to Prime.

Now, all the 'bots scheduled on guard rotation were under orders not to antagonize the femme and to report any inconsistencies in her behaviour to the medic on duty. Not that it mattered, as for the past hour all Starscream had done was curl up on the berth inside the cell and review the new creators' guide that Ratchet had provided for her.

The silence was starting to get to Sideswipe, so he decided to throw caution to the wind and annoy the seeker anyway. The worse that anyone could do was reprimand him for disobeying an order. The red Lamborghini grinned brightly and pushed off the wall, shifting closer to the energon bars.

"So," he quipped, "what's a nice femme like you doing in a place like this?"

"Who says I'm a nice femme?" Starscream shot back almost instantly, optics never leaving the data pad she was skimming over.

Sideswipe bit back a laugh; and here he'd always thought the 'con seeker had no sense of humour. "Well, obviously somebody does. Else you wouldn't be sparked up."

This got a reaction, consisting mainly of the data pad being cut off and the seeker directing a death glare towards him. "Wow. I'm surprised you've survived life this long it that's how you talk to everyone." Her optics narrowed further as she added, "And what business is it of yours what I do and don't do? In case you're stupid as well as tactless, I'm not an Autobot and never will be."

"Oh, and you think Megatron's gonna be thrilled to find out his fembot-in-disguise second is gonna drop a sparkling sometime in the next twelve orns?" Sideswipe replied, thinking the answer was obvious and that Starscream was delusional if she thought otherwise. "Chances are high that he'll kill it and you before it even gets to the protoform stage."

To his shock, the seeker started laughing. "You Autobots are hilarious sometimes," she finally managed to get out between bouts of giggling. "You must have some wires loose if you think that I'd be any safer here than back there with my brothers. And what makes you think that no one back at base hasn't the slightest clue of what I am? Isn't it just entirely possible that I hid my status only because it was no Autobot's business?"

Sideswipe gave her a long look before stating what he thought was the obvious: "But you would be safer to stay here with a qualified medic nearby. At least think about the sparkling, growing up 'con can't be what's best for it."

Starscream's optics darkened. "Don't even dare tell me what's best for my sparkling," she ground out. "Sometimes I think you 'bots have forgotten the reasons for this damned war. Sit down, mechling, and listen up. Do you remember what the seeker class was originally intended for? Give up? We were supposed to be no more than war drones. Drones. No feeling, no thinking, just acting. But for some reason, we gained sentience all across the board.

"One would think that we'd be granted the same rights and freedoms as any other Cybertronian, but that's not what happened. Why do you think Vos preferred to remain a city in itself and trade only with its sister city Praxus?" A cruel smile twisted her mouth as Sideswipe visibly reacted. "Oh, yes, three of your comrades could be considered my 'brothers' through city bonds. Granted, it'd be a strained relationship due to the lies spread regarding what, exactly, happened, but that's neither here nor there."

The red mech shook off his shock to demand, "And why the pit are you telling me any of this? Just because a few hundred million years ago some half-clocked jerks didn't like the idea of seekers being more than second-class citizens doesn't mean anything in the here and now!"

"You really are as dumb as you look, aren't you?" Starscream replied coldly. "Think real hard for a minute. There's a reason all of Vos joined the Decepticons, and it's not just because we like the insignias. And that reason is: freedom isn't free unless everyone benefits. And while you Autobots like to spout off that all sentient beings deserve it, you certainly are blind to the fact that you'd be happiest if Decepticons didn't have it themselves."

The Lamborghini knew he was definitely disobeying orders now, but he felt justified in saying, "You're a bitch, Starscream."

The femme smirked and leaned back on her hands, crossing her legs at the ankle. "Why, yes," she purred, "I am. And my mech absolutely loves it."

Sideswipe glared at the smug seeker, but curiosity was getting the better of him. "Whatever, Bitchscream," he finally said. "So, who's the poor idiot that got stuck with you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well, yeah, I would." The Lamborghini shrugged absently and added, "I'm bored and it's gonna be a while till Boss Bot finishes negotiations with Megatron. Might as well pass the time by annoying you."

The seeker made a non-committal sound, optics shifting slightly to the left before focusing on Sideswipe again. The Autobot hadn't noticed the grate sliding open, and she wasn't going to direct his attention to it... especially not after she realized which Cassetticon had arrived. Instead, she shifted on the berth again and smirked. "It's none of your business who I spend my downtime with."

"Megatron."

The Cassette dropped silently to the floor.

"Pit no. He acts like he's my creator or something."

"Soundwave."

"Pffft! That's funny. Tell me another one."

The Cassette flashed a grin to the seeker and waved; she responded with a subtle tilt of the head that could be mistaken for a simple shift by the Autobot guard.

"Thundercracker."

"Okay, no. He's my brother. You Autobots are warped in the processor."

"Skywarp."

"Thundercracker's twin, ergo, also my brother."

Sideswipe opened his mouth to guess again, but never got the chance as something hard suddenly impacted with his helm and knocked him to the ground. His optics flickered and his HUD showed several shutdown warnings. Just before he slipped into systems shutdown, he caught sight of a familiar form stepping over him and heading for the cell.

"Are all 'bots morons or is it just the big ones?" Rumble asked, turning his attention to the cell access panel. It wasn't that much different from the ones back at base, so he should be able to bypass the codes fairly quickly.

"I do believe that one shares a processor as well as a spark with his twin, and it's the Gold Menace's turn with the logic chip today," Starscream said mildly, optics laughing as the bars fizzled out and she was able to step out of the cell.

"Figures," the blue Cassetticon replied with a slight roll of his optics. "Although that doesn't explain any of the rest of them. Whatever," he interrupted as Starscream started to open her mouth to reply, "we've gotta motor. Rav's been redirecting cameras for the past ten minutes and the Big Bossmech is providing a distraction by annoying the ever-living pit outta Prime."

The seeker grinned. "It's good to know that my surrogate creator can use his talent at blowing hot air to my benefit." She easily picked up the laughing minibot and headed for the door, pulling up the schematics she'd managed to download while the medic had been repairing her damaged wings. "If we hang a left at the corridor, it should lead us straight into the volcano itself. We can fly out from there and comm base once we're out."

"Plan," Rumble agreed, not protesting being carried in the least. "Oh, and for the record?"

"Hm?"

"Yeah, I do love it when you're being a bitch."

End Note: Where the hell did you come from, oh-so-random crack-pairing?!

Yes, Rumble/femme!Starscream. OMFP, I don't have a fragging clue XD