Author Notes:
I recently read this really old fic in the Full Metal Alchemist section, and it was what would happen if 4Kids TV bought FMA. Well, I guess I wanted to make my own version, based on Twilight Princess!
-^^- As usual, not very good with the humour, so criticise all you want =3 The twoshot is supposed to be read like a bullet point list that the President of 4Kids might have written.
So now that 4Kids is full with buying and censoring cartoons, what if they moved on to video games?
Their first target, Twilight Princess...
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-Not having a character talk makes the kids put too many bad words in his mouth. From now on, Link will have a VA: Micheal Jackson.
-Well, I just learned that Micheal's dead. How bout Keanu Reeves then?
-Orphans are too sad, so Link has a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister and plenty of cousins.
-A treehouse is dangerous and might encourage kids to jump off one like Link does. The treehouse is now officially a mansion.
-Kids who want a sword demonstrations incite real kids to do the same. Instead, they'll ask Link to bake a pie.
-Wait, ovens are too dangerous, so we'll remove the scene altogether.
-Pregnant women hint at sex, so Uli will have a newborn.
-Well, newborns DO hint that the woman was pregnant once, so Uli won't have any kids except Colin.
-The twilight is dark, and the dark is frightening, so there will be no Twilight Realm. Instead, there'll be the Rainbow Realm.
-And since rainbows are the insignia of homosexual people, the Twilight/Rainbow Realm will be cut out.
-Twilight beats choking Link are too violent. They'll kindly ask him to follow them instead.
-Swords, of course, are too dangerous and violent. Link will now get foam-padded sticks.
-Same thing for bows&arrows, clawshots, bombs, especially the ball&chain. Respectively, Link will have suction-cup tipped plastic arrows, spiderman web-shooters, confetti poppers and a big stress ball attached on a jumping rope.
-Link and Bo take off their shirts during the sumo fight. Half-naked men hint too much at sex life. The sumo wrestling scene will be cut out.
-Wolves are scary, so Link will turn into a cat.
-Claws and fangs are dangerous, so screw cats, Link will turn into a rabbit… again.
-Midna's grin is scary. Midna will smile gently from now on.
-Zant is scary, so he won't be wearing a snake-like mask. He'll be dressed up as a clown instead, harmless and fun.
-Instead of energy balls during their fight, he'll throw balloon animals. Don't want the kids' imaginations to act up!
-Zant won't stab Stallord. He'll gently pet him.
-Stallord is a zombie… Zombies are scary. No zombies in the game.
-Well, Arbiter's Grounds is full of zombies, so let's cut out the 4th dungeon.
-Getting shot out of a canon is violent. No canons allowed.
-The Great Fairy in the Cave of Ordeals is half-naked! Someone get her some clothes before we cut her out!
-The Water Temple might get kids to try and imitate Link in a Zora Tunic and get them to drown. Either we dry up that temple, or we cut it out as well.
-Flying over a raving with a golden chicken? How bout we get a fairy to use pixie dust to create a bridge across?
-Triangles are pointy and edged. The Triforce will now be made up of three circles (with smiley faces in them, of course).
-Ganondorf is too violent. He will now be known as Cuddledorf and have a big, long pillow to swing at Link.
-Link is a guy with earrings. Not a good model. Fangirls would sue us if we removed him, so we'll just take his earrings off.
-Too much rolling will give those wannabe kids a concussion or back aches, so the rolling option will be disabled.
-Battles on a bridge are dangerous. Cut out.
-At the end, Ganon won't kill Midna. She'll be unharmed and watch from the sidelines.
-In the last battle, Ganondorf won't charge on his horse at Link and Zelda, who will disappear at the last second. Instead, he'll hold up his pillow and say ''I will give you some time to teleport out of here and get the weapon strong enough to beat me!''
-Wait, 'weapons' is too violent for a word. We could replace it with 'pixie dust'.
-In the end, Link is too violent with Ganondorf, so instead, Ganondorf will get up, apologize, give Link and Zelda a hug, and walk away.
-Since Midna isn't dead, the last scene won't be needed.
-Even if there was a last scene, Midna's clothes are too revealing, so she'll have a cuddle blankie on her when she gets up.
-She'll say goodbye and walk off to where Ganon went.
-Link will hold Zelda's hand and tell her she's pretty.
-Zelda will blush and say she thinks the same about him.
-That scene will own all the MidLinkers across the globe.
-…
-Wait, too much love hints at future sex. No last scene.
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Author Notes:
That's for ruining all those previously awesome TV shows, 4Kids ¬_¬
No offense to MJ fans, R.I.P MJ, YOU WILL BE MISSED!
Cuddledorf =3 Somehow, the name fits xD
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