To Feel So Much

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Chapter 6

Chakotay lay sprawled across his bed, looking up at the plain grey ceiling and thinking about New Earth. This time it made him smile through his tears. He knew it was time to go to her so he changed into casual clothes, replicated a single pale pink rose, and headed next door to her quarters. He stood uncertainly in front of her door for what seemed like half of his lifetime before eventually lifting a trembling hand to activate the chime.

She answered the door in her pajamas with her hair tucked behind her ears, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and a PADD in the other. Chakotay thought he had never seen her look so beautiful. When she realized it was him, a startled expression crossed her face, and she stood before him silently for several long moments. When she spoke, her voice was calm.

"Come in, Commander," she said broadly, sweeping her hand in the direction of the living room area. She turned away from him and walked over to curl up with the pillow and blanket that were lying on one end of her couch. He stepped forward just enough for the door to register his absence but then stayed where he was, simply watching her, wondering what she was thinking. He knew his eyes were watery, and his nose was red. He still held one hand protectively behind his back, clutching at the rose with unsure fingers.

"Kathryn," he finally said, his voice unsteady. To his surprise, she smiled at him.

"You look like a puppy who disobeyed his owner and is awaiting punishment," she said in an amused voice. He flinched, her uncharacteristic levity in the situation bruising his raw nerves. Was this her revenge for his distance? She was going to pretend like he didn't matter to her at all?

"Come here, Chakotay." He hesitated. Then she held her arms out to him.

Déjà vu. He winced.

"Please."

Not again, his heart whispered to him. I can't do this scene again.

With sudden determination, he walked quickly over to her, sat down on the couch, and threw his arms around her, holding her more tightly than he had ever thought possible. The rose fell from his fingers and hit the floor, but he didn't care. The feel of her strong arms around him blocked out every other thought and fear from his mind and brought him back to peace. Brought him finally, fully, back to himself. He felt himself struggle for a moment, and then he was crying, sobbing against her shoulder, while her fingers tangled with his hair and her lips brushed against his forehead, his cheeks, his eyes. He felt the wetness of her own tears against his face, knew that she was crying with him, and for so many reasons.

"Kathryn, you don't have to do this," he finally managed to say when he could breathe well enough to speak. "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you."

"I need this too, Chakotay," she murmured against his ear, cradling him more intensely. And so they held each other, comforted each other, cried together, and finally, when they were both so weary they could barely sit up, they broke apart and just sat on the couch, talking in low voices. Kathryn told him about her experiences on the Borg ship. He told her about his experiences on Voyager while she was gone. They spoke of the emotional impact of what had happened. They talked until their voices were hoarse, and then he said the one thing he knew he still had to say.

"I don't hate you, Kathryn," he whispered.

"Chakotay, promise me something." Kathryn's voice was huskier than usual.

"Anything," he said, cradling her hands in his.

"If you are ever angry with me or frustrated or whatever…please, just talk to me. Or write me a letter. Or shoot me with a phaser." She cracked a slight smile at that one, then seemed to struggle with her emotions over the next words. "Just don't ever...don't ever say that to me again." Tears welled in her eyes.

Chakotay dropped his head, feeling the heat of his shame. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he murmured.

"I know I'm not that easy to talk to sometimes," she admitted. "I don't always listen very well. And I tend to be a bit…stubborn…on occasion." He raised his eyebrows, and this time she laughed out loud. "Okay, I'm stubborn on all occasions. So maybe a phaser would be the better idea." She slid closer to him on the couch, cupped his face in her hands, and leaned her forehead against his, closing her eyes and sighing. "I need you, Chakotay. I need us."

She looked solemnly into his eyes from close range, and he could see the individual tears clinging to each eyelash, and he was overwhelmed suddenly by the immensity of his love for this woman. The sweet intensity of the emotions surged over him, and suddenly he was having trouble breathing on his own. He could never stop loving her. She had already consumed his heart to the point that it no longer beat on his command alone. It would be like trying to extinguish a wildfire. If he built up the banks of earth, she would simply blaze right through his firewalls and illuminate his heart instead.

And he didn't know if he had ever felt such pure joy in his life, but she had brought him to it. Every part of him loved Kathryn Janeway.

Loved that she made him feel so much.

The End