Disclaimer: I own nothing, I only wish I did.

There are many Olivia/Elliot/Baby stories out there, many of which follow the same theme. I wanted to try something a little different and explore the happiness and sadness having a baby can bring because sometimes having a child just isn't how you expected it to be.

This chapter may seem a little cold (hence it's name) but I needed a starting point. The subsequent chapters will go on to explain their situation further and explore their feelings as I understand that in this chapter Elliot may come across as a jerk, that isn't intended I just wanted to capture how sometimes words can get taken the wrong way and how sometimes you hear only whats on the surface and not the important words that fall in between.

Olivia sat on the hospital bed staring at a small spot on the wall where the plaster was beginning to peel away, she silently wondered what may have occupied the space in the years before. Of course this really was of no interest to her but it helped pass the time a little. Eventually she decided that the wall wasn't so different from her heart, with its casing peeling away leaving the interior very exposed and when the heart is exposed it is so much easier for disaster to strike.

Her back ached immensely and she felt like she no longer had any sensation in her legs, gently she moved her knees up slightly to escape from the position that until recently she'd been able to hold perfectly.

"Ms Benson, I know I said that I could afford to wait a little but I really do have other patients to see." The nurse stated with a little aggravation evident in her voice.

"Please just five more minutes? He'll be here." Olivia almost pleaded.

"I have to go see a couple in the next room, I'll send another nurse in."

"Thank you." Olivia forced a smile.

She noted the sympathetic look that the nurse gave her before exiting the room and felt embarrassment sweep over her for the second time that day. The first time had been thirty minutes earlier when her name was called in reception. She'd ignored it at first and carried on reading the magazine in her hands, just hoping that the nurse would come back in a few minutes and this time he'd be beside her. She hadn't been that lucky as the nurse clearly recognised her and walked over to tell her that they were ready. As that very nurse entered the room Olivia allowed herself to feel somewhat relieved at least she didn't have to deal with the embarrassment a third time. She had known this nurse for years, seen her about the hospital during cases and they were now on a first name basis.

"Olivia I could easily see another patient if you need a bit more time?"

Olivia genuinely smiled this time but her face quickly fell as an answer slipped from her lips.

"Don't bother, we could wait until the end of time and he still wouldn't be here. I can do this by myself."

Her heart sank a little as she wondered how she went from 'he'll be here' to 'he won't be here' in a period of less than ten minutes. Suddenly realisation set in that she'd lost a little faith in her partner, after all the times she'd been there for him, even in times when it was killing her to be strong for him she gave it her all despite everything and the one time she really needed him he was nowhere to be seen. Deep down she knew that she was being unfair, after all he did follow her to New Jersey when she was searching for her brother and he'd tried to be there when her mother had died but she'd pushed him away.

She'd held his limp body against herself, allowing his head to fit perfectly, almost too perfectly below her chin after his head went through the car window. She'd even held back the tears as he informed her that he couldn't see and somewhat painfully she'd been glad that he couldn't see her discomfort and even more glad that Kathy didn't notice her pain as Elliot held his wife's hand to his face. Then there had been the car accident, she'd held his wife as she welcomed their fifth child into the world, a child she wished so badly was her own. She even held that beautiful baby boy before Elliot himself and for a second she'd even romanticized the notion that one day it could be them, married, so madly in love and having a child.

Standing outside looking in through the glass divide had split her heart into a million pieces, it was finally time to stop fantasying about a man she could never have and move on with her life. All these years of waiting had taken her life from her, she'd sacrificed every chance of happiness because she was certain eventually she could have something better but now watching him cradle his son in his arms and look lovingly at the wife he'd almost lost on so many levels she decided to let go. She hadn't let go like she promised herself she would when Elliot blew her whole world apart by three simple words, "Kathy is pregnant."This time she would let go even if it took everything she had left.

As he pulled her into that unexpected hug her mind became clouded once again with emotions that shouldn't be there. It was his way of saying 'thank you', no words were needed as his strong arms were more than capable of saying it all. Her body shook beneath his hold and it took complete self control to stop her lips from claiming his.

"Kathy wants to name him after me."

She allowed the words "Just what the world needs. Another Elliot Stabler." To escape from her mouth when really all she wanted to say was "I'd do anything to have an Elliot Stabler of my own."

"Olivia?"

Olivia looked up unable to stop the tears falling down her pale cheeks.

"Please Claire can we just get this over with?"

Claire smiled sympathetically as Olivia gently pulled her shirt up slightly.

"Sweetheart you're going to have to pull it up a little bit further for me."

Olivia's hands shook almost violently as she took hold of the edge of her shirt once again and she couldn't fight the pent up emotion any longer as she felt Claire's hands on top of hers.

"I'm sorry, I just...."

"Honey there is no need to be ashamed of feeling this way. Many people in this situation express their emotions much more than this."

"And what situation would that be exactly?" Olivia almost snapped.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean it like that." Claire was shaken as she hadn't meant it in the way Olivia had clearly interpreted it.

Olivia slowly let her guard down even further and looked up with blurry eyes and tear stained cheeks.

"I feel so fat and so ugly and so....so unwanted. I can't even do this right. You know he can't even look at me, not directly. I've been trying to convince myself that everything is okay but the reality is that he's repulsed by me and repulsed by what we've done."

"Olivia, you are pregnant, being fat comes along as part of the package and anyway I wouldn't say you were fat, positively plump maybe."

Olivia allowed a small smile before the nurse started speaking again.

"And as for ugly...you are one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. If he doesn't see that then that is truly his loss."

Olivia smiled once more and turned her head towards the monitor as the gel was applied to her stomach. She felt a cooling sensation across her abdomen and watched with anticipation and a little worry as the image of her baby filled the screen. This time a full smile spread across her face until she realised that it had been several minutes and the nurse was yet to say a word.

"Is something wrong?" Panic was clearly evident in her voice.

"Everything looks perfectly fine. The baby is developing well. Maybe a little on the small side but that isn't anything to worry about."

"A little on the small side? Then why am I so god damn fat already?! I am bigger than most women at 16 weeks aren't I? This isn't something I'm just imagining."

"I won't lie to you Olivia you are a lot bigger but that doesn't mean anything, everyone is different and carries off a pregnancy differently. Older women do tend to put on a little more weight as do those on subsequent pregnancies."

"Can you tell what it is?"

"Unfortunately he or she doesn't want us to know yet. Maybe at the next sonogram it will have changed position. I promise you that everything is fine though."

"I can't believe this is finally happening."

Claire smiled and handed Olivia a copy of the sonogram image.

"Would you like another copy just in case?"

"No, I have all I need thank you."

Claire wiped the gel from Olivia's stomach and watched with concern as she slid her legs round and eased herself down from the bed.

"You take things easy Olivia, don't try to be a hero."

Olivia laughed "I'll try but desk work has never been my thing."

"Look I know it's not my place to say but I'm sure there's a good reason why he didn't make it today. He cares about you."

"The problem is that he doesn't care enough."

As Olivia exited the hospital she thought to herself that nothing in the world could ruin that moment, the moment of seeing her first child move inside of her and although things were a little different than she'd imagined she could still give this child a whole lot of love. Looking down at her hand resting on her enlarged stomach she didn't notice the guy almost running towards her, in far too much of a hurry to be looking where he was going. He bumped into her, it was both gentle and unintentional but a bump all the same.

"I'm so sorry, I..I'm running late.... I should have been looking where I was going."

Olivia looked up and found herself looking into the crystal blue orbs of none other than Elliot Stabler.

"God Liv."

"You're too late." Olivia mumbled as she headed back towards her car, fully aware from his pleading screams that he was following close behind.

"Liv please, just give me a moment to explain." His hand reached out and grabbed hold of her arm yanking her towards him. Olivia's small cry of pain knocked some sense into him making him loosen his grip but still holding on enough in the hope of keeping her close to him.

"Get the fuck off me." Olivia screamed at him, not caring that half the parking lot was staring at them.

"Liv stop it. Stop it right now. Do you have to make such a scene?"

"Oh so this is my fault? Great, that's just great!"

"God why do you twist every word I say Olivia. Can't you see what this is doing to us?"

Olivia went silent and stopped trying to fight his hold which made Elliot release her completely; confident that she wouldn't walk away from him and that finally he was making some progress. He'd been wrong.

"You're right El, this is my fault. I could have gone out there and fucked any man I wanted." Olivia made sure to put extra tone into the word 'fucked' and unwilling took satisfaction as Elliot winced.

"But like the idiot I am I chose to have a baby with you. I thought who better to father a baby than my best friend and a guy who is an amazing father to five beautiful children. I thought I'd made the right decision but I was stupid to think that you could ever love this baby." Her hand rested protectively on her stomach to make the point that she was going to love this baby even if he couldn't.

"Liv you know that isn't true." He exhales deeply. "I...it's just so different this time....I mean....you're....you're not Kathy."

Elliot saw the anger and horror rush through Olivia's eyes. He hadn't meant to say that and he sure as hell didn't mean it the way it sounded. He opened his mouth to speak only to be stopped by Olivia's hand making contact with the side of his face.

"You bastard. You fucking bastard!"

"I didn't mean it like that, I promise I didn't. I can explain."

"Screw you Elliot. Screw you."

Olivia ran as fast as was humanly possible for someone in her condition towards her car, she pulled open the door and sped away without even thinking about her seatbelt. Elliot ran as fast as he could to catch up with her but it wasn't enough, as the adrenaline surged through his body he realised once again that he was too late. He watched the car disappearing before walking back across the parking lot and allowing his body to fall onto a nearby bench. He easily gets lost in his thoughts, not even noticing the person slipping into the space next to him.

"You know she waited the best part of an hour for you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Elliot looked up with tears in his eyes as he felt Claire's hand on his arm.

"There was a traffic pile up down the road, the traffic was going so slow around it that I pulled my car up to the curb and ran the remaining twelve blocks to get here."

"Elliot, traffic isn't your fault. She'll understand when you tell her."

"I left the office late and that is my fault. I've spent weeks trying to figure out how to deal with this, how to act. If I should hold her hand, if it would be alright to cry as I watch our child moving inside of her, if I could get away with giving her a kiss on the forehead. I was so damn busy trying to figure it all out that I forgot it was today. I sat staring at her desk for at least forty-five minutes before I realised why she wasn't there. She has every right to be mad at me, I've ruined everything."

"Any man can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a father and that is why she chose you Elliot."

"And look at the mess I've made of all this already. It wasn't supposed to be this way."

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

Elliot wiped the tears from his eyes and stood up straightening his tie. He turned to Claire and offered her a small smile.

"Was everything okay?"

"The baby is fine Elliot but I'm worried about Olivia."

"You mean there's something wrong? Because of her age? Will she be okay?"

Claire noted the panic in Elliot's eyes and once again placed her hand on his arm.

"It was just something she said, it's not my place to say. She needs to tell you herself."

Elliot took a few moments to compose himself then turned and ran back across the parking lot.

"Elliot where are you going?" Claire shouted after him.

"I'm going to make my new ending." He replied over his shoulder without even stopping, all that mattered now was making things right.