December 25, 1929

To whom it may concern,

I don't really know how to address this letter for it is for all the people I have caused pain to over the last few years and I've caused a lot of pain. I wanted this letter to help you all forgive me but I know that will never happen. So I'm writing this letter as an apology and in hope that someday you will find it in your hearts to forgive me.

I guess I should start with you, mother. You were the first person I ever laid eyes on, the first person that loved me. You didn't deserve the way I treated you those few weeks and I sure didn't deserve you. I'm sorry, that you couldn't keep me from the fate you tried so hard to break free of and I'm sorry that I was too wrapped up in what I wanted to care. You once said to me that I could be whomever I wanted to but the only person I ever wanted to be was you. Thank you for trying to save me, I only wish I would have listened.

Dad, you were always there for me when I needed you most. You would pick me up and dust me off when I fell down and gave me strength when the world seemed to weigh down on my shoulders. I'm sorry I took you for granted. But I don't ever want you to look back and wish you would have done something different to help me because there was nothing you could have done even if you tried. You were the best daddy I could have asked for and I'm thankful for that. Thank you for telling me to make each day count because that's exactly what I did. I'm sorry I took away your little girl. Maybe one day you'll get her back.

Jack and Thomas. Sometimes, I admit you drove me crazy. But whenever I was bored you were there to play with me and whenever I was angry and needed to vent you were there to listen without passing judgment or giving advice like grownups do. Thank you for not leaving me alone. And I'm sorry for not having the patience to listen to you when you needed me most. I hope you'll forgive me someday.

My beautiful little sister. I just met you today and already I love you. I wish I could be your older sister and be there to braid your hair and to tell all your secrets to. But I've made some terrible mistakes and I can't. But maybe I can make it up to you someday .Just always know that you are beautiful and I feel blessed to have you as a sister.

Nathan, you may never read this. You weren't supposed to be here today, but you are and I am so grateful for that. You went against everything to be with me and sometimes I wonder why you did it. I'm not the prettiest, or the smartest or the most likable but you loved me anyway. I'm sorry for everything. For making you do things you didn't want to do and say things you never meant to say. For turning your life upside down and back again. I want you to know that somehow we'll always be together. I don't regret going to that party Nathan, no matter how much grief it's brought me since it brought me to you and I am forever thankful.

To sum it all up, I'm really sorry and I hope you forgive me when the time comes. I missed you and I love you always.

Yours.

Elizabeth Oceane Dawson

As I seal this letter shut, I wonder if they will forgive me. I think it will mean much more in this letter than saying it in person. I can imagine them staring me down across the table until I was finished with my speech. Then they would say how disappointed they were in me, how I knew better. Truthfully, I don't know how they would react. I guess I'll never know.

Nathan lies beside me falling back asleep. His breathing is heavy and his eyes are barely open but still sparkling in the firelight. I could lose myself in those eyes. For a minute I lie against his chest and listen to his faint heartbeat. I wonder if he knows how great he makes me feel when he's around or that every time he smiles a little part of me seems to heal. After all I've been through being here with him makes it all worthwhile.

I take the letter and head up stairs into my parents room. It's dark, but I can still make out their bodies huddled facing each other. There is a gap between them. I suppose there was a time when they slept in each other's arms, but years of frightened children had taught them to leave a space for someone who needed the comfort of their arms more than they did.

I had slept in their bed every night when I was small, even when I wasn't afraid. I needed there warmth and protection to help me through the night. But one night after they had tucked me in I tiptoed back into their room only to find there was someone else sleeping in my spot in between them. Jack had taken my place. After that I slept in my own bed every night and ever night I felt a little more separate from them until it seemed like we were three different people. It had always been that way but for some reason when I was young when we were all connected.

I set the letter on the night stand beside my mother's pillow. I am careful not to shake the bed as I climb on to the mattress and lay down in between them, my back against the headboard and my feet hanging off the side. A lot had changed.

I wish I could stay here forever listening to the sound of their slow breathing. I wish I could wake up the next morning and Nathan would be healed and my headaches would be gone. But I know soon Nathan will die and I will live forever with the a constant reminder of my follies following me wherever I go. It doesn't take you long to realize what we want we rarely get.

I rest my cheek against my mother's hard cheek bone. I wonder if she can feel me, if she knows I'm there for her fingers latch around mine when I go to hold her hand.

I lean my head close to my mother's ear. She is still so pretty and I am never prouder to be her daughter.

"I'm sorry, mommy." I whisper, hot tears streaming silently down my face and onto hers which doesn't stir. "Don't worry," I say lying down next to her and giving her hand one last tight squeeze, "I'm home."

I wished they would have woken and seen me there in between them. I wished they would have held me in there arms like they used to and hummed me to sleep. But they just kept on sleeping and I left them again leaving the letter on their night stand for them to find the next morning.

The living room is warmer and Nathan has finally fallen asleep. His body is sprawled out over the sofa. I can tell he is still alive by the rise and fall of his chest.

I sit down nest him and curl into his chest. Pain is radiating through my skull, distorting my vision and making me writhe. The doctors said I would have these headaches for the rest of my life after my concussion. They told me I was lucky that was all I got. That I should thank God every single night I wake up remembering the day before. I wish I could count myself lucky, but I can't. I wish I would have died and gone to heaven the night of the crash so then I'd only have to wait a little while for Nathan and I to be together. Not an entire lifetime

My heart beats slowly in my chest. At least I'm home, I think to myself. At least I get to wake up tomorrow and greet my parents and meet little Maggie. I could go on living, I reckon, even if Nathan is gone. He'd want it that way. I could busy myself with my family and my friends and all the adventures I've yet to have. But I know there will still be that gaping hole in my heart. A hole that will keep me from feeling how it is to fall in love ever again.

My head aches so bad I need to close my eyes. With the crackling hearth to warm me and the steady thud of Nathan's heart to lull me, I fall in to a deep sleep. I pray, with all that's left of my heart, that Nathan is still with me when I wake.