Epilogue
"I can see myself in the movies
With my picture in city lights
Photograph my mind
And whatever else you'd like to shoot, you decide
All we care about is pornographic girls
On film and body plastic
Give me something I wanna see
Television and hot blondes in odd positions
Fame! We're doing it for the fame!
Cause we wanna live the life of the rich and famous
Fame! We're doing it for the fame!
Cause we got a taste for champagne and endless fortune
Fame, fame! Baby, the fame, fame!
We live for the fame, fame! Baby, the fame, fame!
Isn't it a shame, shame? Baby, a shame, shame?
In it for the fame, fame! Baby, the fame, fame!"
- Lady GaGa, "The Fame"
27 novembre, 2024
From:
Editor-In-Chief
Wizarding Vogue, UK Edition
10th Floor, 391 WandWorks Publishing
Fashionista Field, London
To:
Messrs. Albus Potter et Scorpius Malfoy
Gryffindor House + Slytherin House
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Mes ches garcons,
Bonjour, mes amies!
Darlings, I am ever so grateful for your kind and generous approval for the release of your rather titillating photograph. I trust that young Monsieur Malfoy is satisfied with the result by our very skilled photographer, Jean-Paul Gavroche. I have to confess that this was not part of our planned feature we discussed with Monsieur MacNeal, but when Jean-Paul showed me the photo he took, I was immediately enthralled and convinced my fellow editors to put it in the feature spread without question.
Ah, c'est magnifique! I had to admire your cheeky witticism with your coined nickname of "ASS". Of course, I am willing to make contact with your lawyers should you both wish to trademark the sassy moniker. It will be a très sensationnel media triumph for us! The Daily Prophet can kiss the "ASS", shall we say! And I have you both to thank that it was in the pages of Wizarding Vogue that first spread the news of your daring and socially rebellious romance! Aimer véritablement transcende la sexualité et les frontières socials… Vive le ASS! Have you boys ever thought of entering the fashion business as supermodels? Oh, the many wonderful opportunities you both can bring to the Wizarding fashion world…! And I can most certainly help you with that should you choose to pursue this exciting career!
Enclosed with this letter is an advanced copy of the most-awaited November issue of the magazine. And we are preparing for a record sold-out sale; ready to print for a second release. Let me just say that we have dedicated a ten-page feature article on the Halloween events at your school, the monthly Best and Worst Dressed Lists concentrating on Hogwarts students (both of you rightfully making Best Dressed with photographic evidence to prove), and the very exclusive forty-page edgy fashion editorial entitled "RÉVOLUTION SEXUELLE" from Monsieur MacNeal's soiree.
Naturellement, your photograph takes pride of place in the said feature spread. The editorial team and I did our very best to draw the line between what is fashion and art without coming across as too pornographic, and we stand by our creative vision should the critics once again lambaste our bold and unconventional artistic philosophies which we never compromise whatever the circumstances. We hope that you two les amants très fabuleux will staunchly support our ingenious group effort, and all of us here at the Wizarding Vogue offices wish you a very long-lasting relationship with each other!
Also, kindly inform your wonderfully vivacious friend, Mademoiselle Tominaga, that I am interested in hiring her for a very prime editorial position in the magazine when she graduates. Of course, I will be expecting top marks on her N.E.W.T.'s plus an original portfolio of collected fashion media to prove her dedication in this fast-paced industry. Under my tutelage, she will undoubtedly be my successor in the near future…! Same goes to your attractive métrosexuel friend, Monsieur Fischer, for our worldwide publishing office is planning to expand into a men's spin-off of the magazine, and we could use someone with his unfussy stylish eye for the heterosexual wizard.
Looking forward to your reply, and hopefully more future collaborations with both of you in the magazine, mes chéris!
Sincèrement,
Charmagne Le Fontaine
Editor-In-Chief, Wizarding Vogue, UK Edition
P.S. You and your friends are fully covered when you wish to join me for the biannual Wizarding Fashion Weeks in the four major fashion capitals around the world. Of course, we deserve nothing but prime front row seats and VIP service all throughout! Just send word if you're interested! Well, au revoir!
***
November 29, 2024
From: The Office of the Headmaster
To: Hogwarts Heads of Houses
Subject: November 2024 issue of Wizarding Vogue, UK Edition
To my most esteemed colleagues:
As you may have already known, we have ourselves a situation concerning most of the upperclassmen, a few younger students, plus one faculty member involved in the current issue of the popular fashion and lifestyle publication, Wizarding Vogue, which just recently went into public circulation yesterday.
As Headmaster, I myself was completely shocked when I saw the contents of the magazine. The school governors are in a state of emergency and calling for someone to be AK-ed with this incriminating scandal tarnishing the reputation of our school.
Let me just say with complete assurance that I will personally oversee the necessary disciplinary measures to those involved in this media fiasco. I've already written to the school board, and they unanimously agreed that I am fully capable to do the job. There will be no expulsions nor suspensions, but I guarantee that all the guilty parties will be severely dealt with by my own hand.
Therefore, I ask you, my trusted deputies, to handle the media contingents who will arrive at the school tomorrow for an urgent press conference I have set up to present the school's official statement regarding the matter. See supplementary folder for further details.
I understand that all of you, along with the other teachers, are more than distressed with this unfortunate affair. But let's just all keep a clear head and face the challenges that lie ahead of us for the next few days, if not weeks, for that matter.
The complete list of those to be punished from each House is enclosed along with this memorandum, and I am expecting each and every single one of those miscreants to report to the seventh floor corridor with the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy tonight after dinner by eight P.M. sharp. I am projecting that the punishment will take all night, so do not further concern yourselves and wait for them to return to their respective dormitories.
I should let you know that I seriously intend to continue my personal brand of punishment until I am satisfied that they have learned their lessons the hard way. You may think it a bit much, but this matter cannot be taken lightly, and therefore, what must be done is necessary to ensure that these students and one of our own will have it ingrained in themselves just how hard and cruel I can be when crossed the wrong way.
As such, I put my faith in the four of you that you will manage tomorrow's media circus in the Entrance Hall. Morning classes will be temporarily suspended to allow for complete and professional handling of the reporters and photographers. And I strongly advise that you all visit Madam Pomfrey for a strong dose of Calming Draughts to hopefully get yourselves through this mess.
And with that, I end this memo with a grave note and will now be preparing my intended forms of sentence to the wrongdoers for tonight. And kindly remind all of the charges under your House that they behave themselves and not cause any more trouble than they should, alright?
Sincerely yours,
Prof. William Alexander Francis Darius Morningwood
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Noted by:
Prof. Minerva McGonagall
Transfiguration Teacher, Deputy Headmistress, Gryffindor Head of House
Prof. Sebastian Florence
Charms Teacher, Ravenclaw Head of House
Prof. Neville Longbottom
Herbology Teacher, Hufflepuff Head of House
Prof. Athena Kensington
Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, Slytherin Head of House
***
November 30, 2024
Dearest Albus,
While I am shocked that you wrote to us regarding your true sexual orientation, I am very proud of you nonetheless for admitting the truth about yourself to your father and me. Personally, it was quite a bit of a shocker as well to know that your brother and sister knew about it before us, but I understand your decision to tell them first, and I don't begrudge you for that. You are a Gryffindor, and I applaud your courage for being proud of who you really are.
Also, I was mildly surprised to know that you've been pining for, and as you've proudly stated, now in a stable emotional and sexual relationship with none other than Scorpius Malfoy. I say mildly surprised, because the instant I read the words "I'm gay", I had unintentionally drawn up a list of potential boys in my head as to whom you may have a strong physical attraction to, and it turns out my motherly instincts were correct in guessing that the young Malfoy boy was one of them. I had a feeling that the apple didn't rock far from the tree, but there's no use trying to fight it. You will always be my loving baby boy, and a mother only ever wants to see her child happy.
I could hardly say that you couldn't have chosen a more finer boy than Scorpius. I have long since buried the painful memories of our time during the war, and I truly hope that he is unlike his grandfather and more like his truly reformed, but still rather off-putting, father. From what you have written, he seems well-mannered, smart, and as you so crudely put it – so fucking gorgeous. I sometimes wonder why your father and I are a bit lax with you kids on such appalling language, but we're not exactly squeaky clean examples either, are we?
Anyway, I am looking forward to meeting young Scorpius soon, and if you please, do invite him and his family during the Christmas holidays at our place so you can finally introduce him to our rather shocked but nevertheless, loyal and supportive extended family. Though I suspect that your Uncle Ron might be a bit forced and stiff when he meets your boyfriend, but you need not worry. He knows not to mess with my infamous Bat Bogey Hex just to get him straight with a few things. Unless your Aunt Hermione has gotten to him first, so I hope I won't have to tell off my own brother to accept his gay nephew.
I will be writing to Astoria Malfoy to arrange the future visit, so you best tell Scorpius the news when you get this. And one more thing.
You will completely abstain yourselves from doing any kind of sexual act while you are both under our house, young man! And that also includes drugs of any kind whatsoever! And this includes your rather wild sister, too! I cannot believe she even made the front cover with that scandalously revealing pose and choice of attire! I swear, you kids are going to be the death of me and your father before we even reach our retirement!
Don't think that your incredibly vulgar stunt in Wizarding Vogue has slipped my mind, Albus Severus Potter! Your Nana Molly and Grandpa Arthur almost had a seizure when they saw those explicit photographs of you, your sister, and your friends cavorting so disgracefully in that horrible chamber! And I had to endure a very humiliating tongue-lashing with my editor at the Daily Prophet because a bloody fashion magazine beat us to the story of the century! Bloody Skeetering bastard…
Honestly, Albus… Please don't pull off any more things like that. This family has had enough media attention for one lifetime. Although in fairness, it did boost your brother's salary and benefits at the Falcons. Not to mention countless women practically throwing themselves at his feet left and right. It cracked me up to hear that he has stopped sleeping around for a while, and moved back to the house just so he can have a quiet moment of peace without having to listen to suggestions that they do a "fashion spread" with him. Ha! Serves him right for being a loose bloke and flaunting his Quidditch star status. But please don't tell Jamie I said that or else I'll totally miss his free swag from his endorsements. Kidding!
Lastly, I want you to please keep a clear head and focus on your studies as well. I'm glad you're doing very well in your N.E.W.T.'s, and I'm looking forward to the results by your graduation. Please remind Lily for me to behave herself if she tosses the letter I wrote her. One more word of any more errant mischief publicly displayed in any media publication, and you and Lily will be blasted to smithereens by the thousand Hexed Howlers I'll be sending your way…! Please write soon, and I love you very much, my sweet baby…
All my love,
Mum
P.S. Since I can't afford to intervene all the time while you're there at school, kindly use protection, will you? Surely you know the spell, of course… But knowing you take after my stubbornness, you probably won't listen to me. So, just please have yourself and Scorpius tested by Madam Pomfrey before you… Well… And that seriously includes your sister, too! If she bakes the bread early, I will personally have her head for that! All right, just do what I say and I'll stop nagging and worrying like a good mum, okay? Take care, love!
***
November 30, 2024
Al,
You know that I'm a man who finds it difficult to express my feelings eloquently, so I'm just going to say what I feel when you wrote to your mother and me the best that I can.
I am very proud of you, and I love you for who you are and who you choose to love, son… There was a time when I once had something special, but I could not ever take it back for my rash actions. But I know that everything has a reason in this world, and you are one of the many reasons that make me appreciate the way my life is now.
All I could ever ask of you is to never let this obviously special thing you have with Scorpius go. I don't want you to make the same mistake I did when I was young, and live to regret it your whole life. The happiness of my loving and wonderful family is my only concern, and you are no exception, Al.
Going on a different note, I was rather intrigued by that rather interesting candid photo shoot in the magazine. Well, son… It seems that you've really taken well with the Potter manhood! I have to say I'm impressed with your, ah… performance! But don't tell your mother I somewhat approve of that particular picture. I had to hide my copy since she literally Incendioed every trace of Wizarding Vogue that goes in the house or at her office at work!
In any case, just don't get into any more trouble at school, alright? And yes, your mother is insisting that you invite Scorpius over for the holidays, so I'm very excited to finally meet your, um, boyfriend, son… Damn, I guess I'll be writing to Scorpius's father after a long while. Anyway, do as you mother tells you in her more detailed letter, and write back soon!
Love,
Dad
P.S. Go show Scorpius what the Potter men are made of, son! And yes, you're most likely grounded as per your mother's orders by the time you get back from school, but I'll try to talk her out of it. Or at least lessen your verdict quite a bit. It's not that big of a deal, really. What's a porn photo shown to the public when there are two boys in love who clearly don't give a fuck to what others think? But still, you're in big trouble, Al. You take care of yourself, and please watch your more carefree sister!
***
December 1, 2024
My precious Scorpion,
You have ultimately succeeded in where I have not, and that is being with the man you truly love with your whole heart. I am at a loss with my rather impressive command of vocabulary, so all I can do is wait for you to come home so I can give you a big, tight hug from your loving father.
But really, son, must you absolutely be that public with your relationship to even put it in Wizarding Vogue in full color? I know you had your perverted kinks when we had our special father-son bonding, but this is really bordering on ridiculous! Haven't your mother and I taught you anything about complete discretion at the most sensitive personal issues? I'm starting to think that that Potter boy—pardon me, Albus—is quite a more persuasive and bad influence on you than your mother and me combined!
Sadly, your mother disagrees with me, as usual! She's literally over the moon with your tastefully done but rather unbecoming editorial slash public coming out. You know how she is, always the dramatic social queen, whom I still love despite her irritating vanities. Same goes for your Grandmother Narcissa. They're both the busy bees with the numerous party-to-gossip invitations they have with the other high-society ladies since that media frenzy surrounding you and Albus.
You'll be somewhat pleased to know that your Grandpa Lucius has officially become a recluse once he discovered the scandal. Not that I'm complaining. He seriously needs to take a time out to just loosen up and get with the bloody times. Besides, he has his stupid albino peacocks to keep him company. Personally, I've never liked them anyway. And quite frankly, carrying on the bloodline is severely antiquated in my opinion, given today's rather radical generation. Mind you, there was a war back then, so I had to make due with the problems. But let's not talk more about the past, shall we?
Albus's parents have already written to your mother and me and insisted that we join them and the blasted extended Weasley family for the Christmas holidays. Of course, you might have already known about it through your… boyfriend, but I am having second thoughts if I should come. But then again, I'd rather go voluntarily and just deal with having Har—er, Mr. Potter around and a bunch of hideous freckled redheads who might glare and smirk disdainfully at my presence. Like they can ever surpass our incomparable trademark family sneer! I'll show them!
There are much worse things to face than having an annoyingly persistent social trophy wife nag you to the point of insanity until you eventually acquiesce to her infuriating whims. Makes me wonder why I even put up with your dear mother in the first place… Then again, you were sometimes privy to her frivolous materialistic attentions she lavished on you when you were growing up, so she wins on this round.
I end this letter with a note of overjoyed pride on your newfound happiness with Albus Potter. But mark my words, Scorpius… If that Potter boy pulls a despicable deed to you like his father did to me, I will not hesitate to use an Unforgivable on that bastard; wrath of his father be damned to hell! Do I make myself clear, young man? But if you finish him first, I won't think of it as a disservice to my role as a loving and protective father…
As usual, have fun with your studies, stay out of any more extreme public shenanigans, and do try to exercise more self-control, will you? Merlin only knows that even the best Wizarding hair care products could not prevent my, ah... hair problems you're somewhat causing, what with your prancing around in public with Albus Potter up your arse. Write back immediately when you get this, alright?
Always yours,
Daddy
P.S. Please tell me you're not always the bottom when you fuck with Albus? Are you? I'd hate for it if you haven't even topped him yet. But considering he even takes after his father in the penile department, I seriously don't blame you if you are mostly, if not always, the receiver in your sexual dynamics. But do try not to overindulge. Even Malfoys need to take a shot at the wheel once in a while… You take care now, my handsome Scorpion!
***
December 1, 2024
My darling baby boy!
I am extremely thrilled that you have finally waved the proud rainbow flag of your homosexuality, sweetums! Mummy is simply delighted that you've at last come out, and through such a daring and adamant manner, too! I'd have never imagined that you would reveal to all your flaming queerness in the pages of Wizarding Vogue! Oh, but I am just too ecstatic for words! You make me so proud, my sweet, sweet baby!
Of course, Malfoys never expect anything less but the best, and you can do no better than Wizarding Vogue! Had it been somewhere else like that abhorrent and unreliable rag The Daily Prophet, I'd be extremely mortified to the bone and I'd rather let a Dementor Kiss my soul away than face such unbearable shame. But thank God and dearly departed queer old Albus Dumbledore's soul, that hasn't happened at all! And it's quite a relief, too, because I'm right in the thick of all the drama unfolding outside of school which is just too divine!
You cannot believe how much attention this story of yours is getting, darling! I mean, copies of the magazine are flying of the presses at such rapid speed that every copy is sold out and Charmagne is issuing a second print run! You and that drop-dead gorgeous boyfriend of yours are quite simply the talk of the British Wizarding society! Everyone wants to know the real story! They simply can't get enough of both of you and your steamy little picture! You can almost hear the hearts of devastated single hopeful witches breaking everywhere, but I don't give a flying flobberworm's ass!
And yes! "ASS"! Oh darling, you two have simply such a catchy and rather brazen celebrity portmanteau! Much better than those two attractive but highly overrated Wizarding film hacks who constantly adopt children like they're buying the latest handbag from Ferocia Coutura! There was even this shirt I saw down at Fashionista Field which says, "ARE YOU STARING AT MY ASS?" Isn't that absolutely a riot, munchkin? I immediately bought two shirts in tightly-fitting sizes for both of you which comes along with this letter. The black one's for you while the white one's for Albus, okay? Oh, but we must get "ASS" trademarked poste haste! Because why not make money while being in love at the same time, am I right or am I right, honeybun? It simply won't do if people just stick your nickname on posters, ads, and clothes without the two of you getting hefty royalty fees!
And Grandmother Narcissa is absolutely proud of you too, Scorpius love! In fact, she personally bought several copies of the magazine and distributed them to the all the ladies at the Wiltshire country club! And before you know it, me and your grandmother were besieged with invitations for brunch, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, the works! They really want to hear the more delicious tidbits of you and dear Albus, my adorable stinger! You can forget about your perpetually uptight grandfather. He's just an old and useless fart who seriously needs to remove the poker stuck up his senile arse. That, and his bloody peacocks are so last century!
And have you heard?! Oh my God, numerous eligible and handsome bachelors left, right, and center are suddenly coming out of the closet, too! Some of them are even sons of my friends at the Society of Wizarding Ladies' Association, and are shamelessly coming to me to get to you! They're all, "Oh, but Astoria darling! Your most debonair Scorpius must simply meet my dashing eldest son, Patrick Bennington IV. Now I know he's with that charming son of the Ministry's Head of Magical Law Enforcement, but perhaps you could persuade your son to a one-off dinner with my precious boy for just one night?" Seriously, the low and barefaced depths people will go to for the sake of their own vanity. Have they no sense of humility whatsoever? For shame… Only I have the right to prance around and flaunt my son's gayness for me and my family's benefit!
Since your fabulous coming out, I've been very busy with the social rounds as I write this letter to you. Now, I know you absolutely hate it when I meddle in your personal affairs, but can't you please just indulge your dear, sweet, loving mother into doing something special for you and your studly lover? I've spoken with Charmagne and she agrees with me that we must do an exclusive interview with both of you, preferably when you finish school, of course.
Then, it'll be accompanied by another fabulously erotic fashion editorial featuring both of you, obviously, wearing only but the finest edgy couture menswear fashions. News has traveled fast, and my designer contacts in New York, Paris, and Milan are practically begging me to dress you and Albus to be featured in the main international editions of Wizarding Vogue! Scorpius darling, Dom & Stef themselves have personally Flooed from their atelier in Italy to ask if you and dear Albus would be the models for their next ad campaign for their underwear line!
Oh, but this is just simply overwhelming! I have lots to do and things to handle in the home front while you're there at school… Don't try to talk me out of everything because you know I live for moments like this, and don't you dare deny that you are not joyously excited about this as I am, young man! You may look and take after your father, but your taste for theatrics is my total doing, so you just sit tight and let Mummy do the rest! Oh my sweet darling precious baby boy, you know I'm only doing this because I love you ever so much and I only ever want to see you happy…!
Now, Albus's parents have graciously invited us over for the Christmas holidays in their lovely home at Godric's Hollow, and I absolutely insisted that they will be staying with us during New Year's at the manor, so it's going to be such a wonderful compromise! Trust your father to grumble and complain, but he'll get over himself and his residual feelings for Albus's father. For now, you just keep up the good work with your studies, and remember that I love you so very, very much, my beautiful sweet baby boy…!
Hugs and kisses,
Mommie Dearest
P.S. What do you think of a set date for Halloween next year? Do you think that's a bit early, or should I start making the wedding preparations now? If you say yes, remember that it's not going to be a small, intimate wedding like your father and I got when we tied the knot! You and Albus deserve nothing but the best fucking nuptial the likes that Wizarding Brits have never seen… Do send my regards and a loving kiss to Albus for Mummy now. On the lips. French. And make it a long one. Well, au revoir, my precious sweetums!
***
December 2, 2024
Hey Al!
I could fucking kill you for getting yourself into such deep paparazzi shit, but you're my brother and I care about you, so I have to resist the urge to grab my wand and hex your balls off. Although, considering who your boyfriend is, I'd rather not risk it or else he'd go and hex my own balls off!
Anyway, I just want to say that I'm glad that things have worked out mostly well since the whole issue with your queerness exploded just well over a week ago. Mum and Dad really had to double up the security wards around the house to prevent any pesky tabloid reporter barging in and ask us some annoying personal shit about you that we don't even mostly know.
And thanks to you, you fucking fairy, the women are practically stalking me 24/7! It was alright for a time when the Falmouth Falcons snapped me up and I smoothly managed my… ah, womanizing ways, but this whole thing with you and Malfoy really turned my world upside down, you stupid idiot! I was forced to leave my penthouse in London, and hide out back home at Godric's Hollow because of all the countless nosy bints who couldn't leave me the fuck alone!
Yeah, I know I'm quite the stud, but come on! Even my prick needs to rest every now and then! And you know I can't be under Energy Potions all the time because of our training regimen! My bloody teammates are now teasing me that I might lose my game focus because of the pussy I get, whether I want it or not! And you and I both know that getting wood during a serious Quidditch game can fuck you up. And I don't mean getting wood from riding a QuickSilver XTRM!
But on the upside, more endorsements from big name clothing companies came my way and I wasn't one to say no to such lucrative deals, so I guess I do owe you quite a bit, Al… And you're such cocky shit aren't you for calling yourselves "ASS"? But I must admit: it does have a nice yet naughty ring to it. And at this rate, this family of ours will never be out of the spotlight. First our parents, then us, so it's gonna be quite a feat for Lily to enter the family business of being objectified media figures. And yes, Lily…
I really want to thank you for making me spend last weekend at school. I definitely needed that special relaxing time with Lily, bro… Been a while since we both spent time together, and she's basically the only woman I can stand without dealing with the shit I get from all the ASS I'm hearing from those crazy, obsessed bitches. So yeah, I'm definitely proud to have you as my brother, being poofy and all…
And yes, Lily wanted me to say to you that she thanks you for the wonderful present she got for helping you score with Malfoy. She definitely had a lot of fun with Cindy and Jeremy, mate, so all's well that ends well, yeah? And speaking of something that end's well… There's one more thing I'd like to ask you.
How's the punishment with Professor M. going along? Are you guys learning your lessons from your naughty mistakes? Did he give it to you hard and rough? Do you enjoy the pain he's imposing on you and everyone else inside the Room of Requirement? Is he done with all of you yet? Or, tell me, do you guys even want your punishment to end…?
Well, now you probably know how Professor M. disciplined me during my time at Hogwarts. And you thought he was just making me do lines up until midnight… Tell me all about it when you write back, Al. I'd love to hear what he made you, Lily, and everyone else do.
Your loving brother,
Jamie
P.S. I'll let you have the address of my diamond dust dealer if you trade me some of those blue roses of yours. You do know how MacNeal loves his diamond dust… And yeah, how is Phoenix with Teddy? Still going strong then? If they make it past six months, I'd be impressed. The Phe Man was never one to be tied down, and neither does Teddy. And if Lily wants nasty jockstraps fresh from the Pro Quidditch lockers after an intense match, she can fucking do that herself when she comes to my games! Anyway, owl me back soon, a'ight? Later, bro!
***
Date: January 6, 2025
From:
To: the entire Hogwarts' Student SharpQuill hyper-diary Listing
Subject: R U IN THE KNOW?
Hello, Wizarding boarding school peeps… Wicked Witch, here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Hogwarts' elite…
Ever wondered what the lives of the magical Chosen Ones are really like? Well, I'm going to tell you, because I'm one of them. I'm not talking about hot models and actors, famous sports icons or rock stars, or even top Ministry of Magic officials. I'm talking about the young Wizarding society—the people who are born into it. Those of us who have everything anyone could possibly wish for, and some of us who take it all for granted…
Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where my friends and I live and go to school in, practice the awesome fields of magic, play, eat, socialize, sleep—sometimes even with each other. We all live in fabulous, personalized dormitories with cute little house elves at our beck and call. We have unlimited access to money through our black GringottsXCLUSIVE charge medallions and buy whatever we want, and our parents are virtually out of sight, so we have TONS of privacy. Until the bills come, of course… We're popular, we wear fantastic clothes, and we know how to party. Our shit still stinks, but with a simple flick of our wands, we can Transfigure it to the most beautiful and fragrant bouquet ever and put on our bedroom dresser.
Our future is more than bright after we finish our studies with naturally flying colors. I'd like to take a moment to point out that this fact is completely arbitrary because basically, we're all perfect specimens. We're outrageously wealthy, highly intelligent, well-mannered and eloquent, with beautiful and influential parents who blessed us with a physically attractive mix of their genetics, and possess the perfect school transcripts (well, not so perfect, some of the time).
Yes, it's an insanely luxe life, but somebody's got to live it! Namely us.
Our custom, interior-designed dormitories are located in the prime spots of the fabulous castle – from edgy, underground dungeons to airy, illuminated towers. As for academics, we are above par with what the extremely competent but sometimes aggravating faculty of Professors teaches us day after day, and not a single grade below Exceeds Expectations. And we even deign to eat what the house elves serve to you ordinary folk some of the time, but if we feel like it, which we almost always are – we simply know where to go and who to ask, and a proper French meal, or any international haute cuisine to our liking, will be immediately served to our usual reserved spot on the House tables.
And aside from the air we breathe, the light we get from the sun, and the glittering heavenly bodies we see at night, do you even have anything in common with us?
Of course not. But admit it, you're just DYING to know what goes on behind our fabulous lives, aren't you…?
Well, not to worry, because 'lil 'ol me is going provide you with the most exclusive, juiciest, and downright OMFG-worthy dish that revolves around some of the few select members of this exclusive clique I've described, and to which I'm also a proud member.
There's C, a sassy seventh-year Gryffindor girl with a very alluring and feisty Eurasian mix in her genes, and who utterly lives for the fast-paced world of fashion and the arts. And it seems that a well-known fashion editor of a very classy magazine is keen on molding her to the next ruthless and controversial editrix of the Wizarding publishing industry.
We have the hunky J, Gryffindor seventh-year and one of C's best friends, who claims to be 100-percent certified heterosexual who lives for the high jet-set life. Don't let his posh sense of style fool you, because he can also be one tough cookie when he gets riled up. And yet, he gladly associates himself with bent blokes and queer girls… Interesting….!
And we also have the whip-smart R, who's so scarily intelligent; she even makes her fellow Ravenclaws seem dumb. But this beautiful redhead isn't just about her books; she's also very well-known for her extensive and dedicated knowledge to the finer points of seduction and the carnal arts… But her lessons come with a high price, of course!
We've got the aloof but definitely most wanted M, one very delicious part-Italian bloke from Slytherin who's very picky with the people he beds, but apparently can be so easy to tempt with his rather teensy fetish for exhibitionist sex in front of the school ghosts. Moaning Myrtle must be more than moaning with this guy on the loose!
Can't forget the Goth diva and one of M's best buds, V, who's basically the spitting image of what any Slytherin girl should aspire to: mysterious, seductive, and cruelly ruthless with her am-bitch-ousness. You do not want to mess with her, but when she lets her guard down, she'll totally let a boy—or even a girl!—have their wicked way with her.
Of course, there's the fiery little L, a sexy Slytherin girl and one of the few sixth years among the group, but age is nothing compared to her infamy. Who hasn't heard her multiple sexual exploits with various upperclassmen boys and girls? Scandalous doesn't even begin to describe her when you know she also fucks her own flesh and blood…!
Competing against our redheaded school slut is her man whore equal, P, A very wild and out Gryffindor whose sex drive can run through anyone with two legs and more than willing enough to be subjected to his extreme ways. Did I also mention he's the school's resident bad boy? Sex, drugs, teacher-student relationship? Oh, yes… He's very bad…!
And what is T doing here? Granted, he has fulfilled most of the requirements to be one of Hogwarts' elite youth society: he's devastatingly gorgeous, oozing with charisma and sex appeal, terribly intelligent, born to two of magical history's contemporary war heroes, and possesses amazing shapeshifting powers, plus—oops! Too much information…!
Finally we have the ASS… Who hasn't heard of the ASS?! They're basically the school's most powerful and über-gorgeous supercouple! And if you haven't heard of their infamously legendary love story splashed all over the pages in one of the Wizarding world's most revered publications last year, then you must be an insignificant little maggot crushed under a fucking rock.
There's AS, a Gryffindor who completes the best friend threesome with C and J, and who quite simply defines the very essence of rugged manliness with his perpetually post-shag looking black hair, golden sun-kissed skin, and mesmerizing green eyes. And his boyfriend, S, a Slytherin who leads the Ice Squad of M and V, captures the ideal blend of classic masculinity combined with refined femininity in his perfect platinum-blond hair, flawless porcelain skin, and hypnotic silver eyes.
Did I mention they're both majorly hunky blokes, by the way, who are basically carbon copies of their still fuck-worthy dads? Are your pussies hot and wet already, girls? Boys, are your dicks repulsed or hard and dripping with precum by just the sound of their nickname? Together, they make the unstoppable sexual and romantic force in Hogwarts known as ASS… There's so much more to tell about these two and their equally outrageous cohorts, but I'm afraid that'll be told in another time, my dear Hogwartians…
So far, all is well in paradise after a very relaxing and enjoyable Christmas and New Year's holidays… But word on the street is that a new batch of social wannabes are ready to step up to the fabulous Dom + Stef shoes of our Hogwarts elite even though the school term's not yet over…! I smell major drama, my kittens…!
Will the crème de la crème of our fair academy put these social climbers in their place, or will these outsider underdogs become the ultimate insiders just like them…? Place your bets, people! Or better yet… Send me all the deets you may know. From posh parties to Potions class disasters; OMG! breakups to WTF?! hookups; who's in with the super sexy style and who's out with the fugly fashion faux pas; to important sightings and juicy little tidbits in between regarding this privileged circle of demigods and goddesses of Hogwarts.
Every little juicy bit of dirt or dish counts, because who knows? You might even soon be mentioned in this delicious weekly hyper-diary entry of mine with your handy bit of info. And as we at the top of the pedestal always say: you're NOBODY unless you are talked about… So? What are you waiting for? Got a piece of gossip to tell me? I'm all ears… Or rather, I'm all eyes on the page… Whip out your pens and quills and scribble to me your scoop ASAP! And while you're at it, just fess up: you secretly want to be more on the wicked side like we do…!
And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell…
You know you're beginning to love me!
XOXO
Wicked Witch
P.S. Tough luck deciphering and cracking the Handwriting Concealing Spell on my entries, because a certain naughty Professor with a flair for sexual punishments taught me oh-so-well… But don't fret, my soon-to-be loyal readers! You'll soon find out who I am…!
Or not!
In any case, just keep your SharpQuill journals close and read what happens next…!
***
Date: January 13, 2025
From:
To: the entire Hogwarts' Student SharpQuill hyper-diary Listing
Subject: Word Up for the Weekend
Hey there, fellow Wizarding boarding school peeps! Wicked Witch, here… Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Hogwarts young elite…#
After foundationally writing to you after the Christmas and New Year's break last week and gave you all a sinfully tasty preview of the exclusive world which I am a part of, I am more than happy to say that you lovely guys and gals were more than happy to dish the dirt on the who's who of our fair alma mater. Looks like my diary entries are officially the hottest reading ticket at school!
But do try to read your course books, too. We can't always afford to brush up on the latest rumors going round the school grapevine, but who say's you can never have too much gossip? And yes, it was tough sifting through all those journal entries you shared to me, but I managed to sort everything out and pick out some of your rather interesting questions, scintillating j-mails, and luscious tidbits.
#All the names mentioned and sent handwritten diary entries have been carefully altered to protect the innocent. Namely, me.
***
Your J-Mails:
From:
To:
Subject: All About The ASS
Dear W.W.,
Let me just say that you fucking rock for doing this! All my life here in Hogwarts, I've always wondered what goes on behind the oh-so-dreamy faces I'm so hopelessly crushing on… Anyway, I'd just like to ask: is it true that the ASS entertains threesomes? I heard from my friend in Gryffindor that random guys visit the dorm rooms of AS and S every other week. I could safely say that I'm a nice looking enough bloke from Hufflepuff, and yes, I'm a poof too. So, is there a chance I might be able to snag a taste of the delicious ASS?
Dear Queer Hufflepuff Elite Wannabe,
Sweetie, you're not the only one chasing the ASS since that now-iconic photograph in our favorite fashion magazine last November. Random guys, huh? You've probably taken your friend's piss on that one, babe. But I will say this: only one has managed to score an ASS-tastic three-way with the boys, and it ain't a student! We hear they even keep coming back for more, but had to stop since boyfriend of said person they keep having extra seconds can be quite the possessive bad-ass. Good luck in taking a shot, though! And it helps if you pass their extremely high standards of male beauty. We all know that it's a very rare thing for a hot and delicious boy to come from Hufflepuff (we still love you, Cedric Diggory!), so I'll be rooting for 'ya!
From:
To:
Subject: Who Do You Guys Think You Are?!
Wicked Witch,
I am extremely appalled by your shallow and trivial attempts in sensationalizing the lives of Hogwarts students who are personally overrated and as superficial as this journal entry of yours! I've a right mind to report this to the faculty immediately, but despite my best efforts to crack the encryption on the Handwriting Concealing Spell you've done, I am forced to sit back and figure out another way to discover your real identity. I am not alone in my opinions, and my other Ravenclaw friends also agree that this is quite the lowbrow attempt at gaining tabloid media attention. You should be ashamed of yourself and I do hope you find the conscience to stop this shameless vanity project of yours before it turns on you and your equally materialistic and egotistical circle of friends.
Dear Green with Envy in the House of Blue,
Let me know if you get over your jealousy, mkay? Green is so unbecoming a color on you, and paired with such vitriol! I myself like a bit of envious spite, but a word of advice: people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. A Ravenclaw of all people should know that, especially since your rather amusing eagle doorknob even knows that. So, until you admit to your uptight and hypocritical self that how we live ultimately fascinates you, write back to me with a suitable public apology and admit your guilty pleasure over us. And sweetie, you might just die trying to figure out who I am, so don't waste your seemingly questionable Ravenclaw smarts for the classroom. You also might as well anticipate a full journal of hate entries after this post. But then again, you have your loser friends to console your misery, so you're covered. Kisses!
From:
To:
Subject: Escaping Punishment
Yo, W.W.!
I'm from Slytherin, and I am proud to say that I was one of the exclusively invited to P's awesome Halloween party. But there's one thing that's been bothering me. See, lucky for me, I wasn't photographed during the event so I escaped the punishment courtesy of Professor M. But I keep thinking that something fishy is going on with the whole thing. It's been two months; everyone who was found guilty is still doing the weekly penalty sessions with the headmaster, and everyone seems to be unfazed by what Professor M. is doing to them. I tried asking my friend, R, who's one of the involved about it, but he won't say anything! It's driving me out of my mind, and now I wish I was part of the convicted! What the fuck is going on inside the Room of Requirement?!
Dear Unfortunate Slytherin Fugitive,
Firstly, what kind of self-respecting partyphile, and especially one from Slytherin, eludes being photographed? We are camwhores by default, so shame on you! Moving on… To quote one very popular Muggle artist in her extraordinary heyday, she said: "Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better…" Sadly, I cannot say any more than I should, considering I was one of the quite many students caught red-handed at the scene of the scandalous crime. Not that Professor M. charmed us to not say or even write a word of what goes on inside the Room of Requirement, but I am a firm believer of restraint and pleasure delaying. So, I do sympathize for your aggravation, babe… And are we still paying for our sins? You can bet on it.
From:
To:
Subject: Socialista 101 + Hot Boy Recommendations
Hey wassup, W.W. girl!
One of your first and loyally avid readers here from Gryffindor, and I'd just like to thank you so very much on behalf of my group of girlfriends who totally can't get enough of your fabulous entries! Seriously, everyone at school needed something like this, and you are a total godsend! Anyway, we totally respect the position that you and the rest of the posh Hogwarts clique hold, and we try our best to emulate your classy lifestyle ideals. We're still in our third years, so we definitely plan to mold ourselves into the next social court rulers of the school. Any tips on making it to the top of the ladder like you guys? And who do you think are the hot boys in school to hopefully succeed the ASS and their other drool-worthy contemporaries?
Dear Social Aspiring Lioness,
Rawr! Straight to the point, aren't we? But I do admire being upfront, unlike some people (read: a certain green Ravenclaw). But it takes a lot of hard work if you want to ascend and take over our realm once we depart the hallowed halls of Hogwarts, especially from a determined Gryffindor such as yourself. So, here's my two Galleons' worth: flaunt whatever assets you have and use them to your advantage, never let anyone get the best of you, your bitchitude should only be used in the right place at the right time, be a real friend to those who admire you but a cutthroat enemy to the haters, and never forget to always keep both feet on the ground even if you've reached the top of the pedestal. We're not that vain, as some people are quick to judge… And as for the boys? Honey, only time, and well-formed puberty of their genes, can tell who the next batch of hotties at Hogwarts will be…! Underclassmen boys, time to step up to the plate!
***
Sightings:
C and J minus their best bud hitting up Fashionista Field earlier this weekend and having an expensive French-style brunch with Madame CLF at The Melting Pot then heading straight for the Wizarding Vogue offices with shopping bags from War Ghost Underground in hand.
The seductive L and her gorgeous cousin, R, spotted going out of the male locker rooms of the London Underground Quidditch Arena looking absolutely radiant and pretty happy after a match where L's hunky Seeker star brother, JS, won the game for the Falmouth Falcons.
P being unusually under the radar as of late and spending an unusual amount of time in Greenhouse Ten with the rather cute Herbology professor nowhere in sight during these mysterious visits, and seen with telltale tiny blue specks by his lovely nostrils after his stopover from the school greenhouse.
M and V sans their Slytherin BFF chilling at The Hog's Head with three other attractive but unknown students, two girls and a boy; sipping on the ever-pricey Molten Lavas personally served on the house by bar owner, Aberforth Dumbledore, and looking untouchably gorgeous as usual while the pretty nobodies fawn and canoodle with two-thirds of the Ice Squad.
T's usual far left spot at the Staff Table during mealtimes now suddenly moved right beside the Headmaster, replacing Professor McG, who seemed quite the offended old bird. Also seen curiously changing the color and style of his hair more than often than usual in between courses.
The ASS spending sickeningly sweet yet adorable quality time down by the banks of the Black Lake in their tight Dom + Stef swim trunks swimming and sunbathing in their almost naked glory. Also spotted afterwards skirting danger near the Whomping Willow and mysteriously disappearing shortly thereafter.
Meanwhile, reports of the violent ghosts inside the Shrieking Shack are apparently back in business after a long period of dormancy, according to the good-looking crew of E, L, F, G, N, A, I, and D, who were strolling around after a fun inter-House group date in Hogsmeade.
***
A loving reminder to everyone who sends in your journal entries to always keep a sharp lookout for the latest buzz on anything and everything the fab and fierce of Hogwarts does. Big, big, BIG shoutouts and thank yous to everyone who painstakingly wrote to me, but as you can see, not everyone can be written in one go. But don't worry, my dear Hogwartians… Your brief moment in the SharpQuill spotlight will come, and I'll be here to ensure that it shine oh-so brightly on you.
But if you have what it takes to stay longer than the prerequisite cliché of fifteen minutes, then I say welcome to the club! However, take heed that it may be hard for you to enter this glamorous world, but it's even harder to stay once you're in the game… So, are you ready to play hardcore with the big boys and girls? You know I'm always game…
Until next time!
You know you love me…
XOXO
Wicked Witch