Scream Until Your Heart Stops

Chapter One - Define Yourself

I was wondering whether or not to post this, but, it's my favorite and it's long and so I like it even better. And this is the fic that I wrote the most over the summer. With my favorite quote. Man, what was I thinking?! I love this fic! Hope you do too!

Summary- In the middle of a war, Roxas gets tossed into confusion as there are love confessions, loss of friends that mean the world to him, a bipolar mother and a dead father. What more, his only brother gets swallowed up in the lust of war. How can such a life be worth living? How does one mysterious bird keep the brothers together? What happens when the young blonde loses everything?

Disclaimer - I would say that pigs would fly before I owned Kingdom Hearts, but that seems so cliché. Let's just stick with the traditional 'I don't own'. But you should know that, shouldn't you?

Warnings - BoyxBoy, swearing, violence, death, hinted sex, alcohol, Pedophilia in the last chapters

Pairings - Akuroku, Cleon, XemnasCloud (Onesided), XemnasSora (Onesided)

-

"Hey Rox, heard that Cloud joined The Heartless!"

The younger blonde turned his face aside, hiding the sting of his elder's words. A muttered name and a whine of pain as the elder blonde was hit over the head by one of his best friends, an artificially slate-haired teen.

"Rox, you know he didn't mean to hurt you."

The blue-eyed boy rolled his oceans, turning the volume up on the stereo, attempting to drown out his friends and his thoughts. So what if it was true that his brother joined The Heartless? So what if Cloud was his only brother? Who cared?! Roxas most certainly didn't. He didn't care that he had no say in his brother's action; had no say in how betrayed he felt; could barely halt the cries that wanted to burst from his throat.

"I know. I just ... Let's not talk about it, alright?" He tried his damndest to keep the shake out of his voice. Swallowing the lump in his throat that was threatening to cut his very breath away from him, Roxas stood, stretching in the lazy afternoon heat. "I'm going to get us a snack." he announced to no one in particular.

"Do you need he-"

"No, Dem, that's alright." Shooting the elder blonde a cool look of defiance, Roxas opened the screen door to enter his cooler bedroom. He made his way through his memories and over to the staircase, meeting his mother halfway.

"Do you want to die, boy? Do you want us to all get blown to smithereens?!"

"No, mother," he droned, rolling those orbs of legendary blue once more.

"Then turn that racket down!"

"Yes, mother."

The broken-hearted woman shuffled back down the stairs, her protruding tummy causing her troubles. "Axel, could you turn that down?" Before waiting for the reply from the redhead, Roxas fled down the stairs after his mother, out past her to get to the small, yellow kitchen with the peeling wallpaper and the crisp scent of dish soap constantly lingering in the air. The teen made up quick sandwiches, poured speedy fruit juice and snatched four popsicles, fully intending to 'eat dessert first' as their lives were most definitely uncertain. The blonde had everything on a platter before his meddling mother could saunter her way over to him.

"You aren't planning on eating out there, are you?"

"Yes, mother."

"Idiot child. If you get us blown up, I'll kill you with my bare hands, you hear me?"

"Yes, mother."

"Oh," she wailed, throwing her hands up in the air, tears beading in the corners of her bloodshot eyes. "Why could you not be more like Cloud?!"

The blonde boy was almost thankful when the phone rang, but groaned when he recognized the female voice on the other end. "Roxas? Is he home yet?"

"No, Tifa. I already told you a thousand times. Cloud. Is. Not. Coming. Back."

He slammed the phone back on the receiver. His mother shrieked, slamming her palm against his cheek, knocking him back into the wall. "Idiot child! Idiot boy! You piece of filth! How dare you speak such lies?! Apologize, right this instant!"

Roxas puffed his chest slightly despite the stinging, instinctive tears that bit at the rims of his eyes. "No, mother. I'm not going to apologize for the truth." He received another slap that echoed through the house. Almost wondering when his friends would decide to come running, Roxas straightened himself, not daring to show weakness to his mother, the woman that was supposed to love him unconditionally. Not wanting a third slap on the cheek, Roxas ducked out of her way, snatching the platter and maneuvering out past the raging woman. Just as he had predicted, Demyx, Zexion and Axel were all perched at the foot of the stairs, worry etched on their faces.

"I-I'm fine." Roxas murmured, allowing the tray to be lifted from his hands by the towering redhead. In silence they made their way back to their rooftop. Passing the tray on to Demyx, Axel blocked the younger blonde from his room.

"Rox ... we're worried about you, you know." The redhead hushed once Demyx and Zexion were safely out in the sun.

"I'm fine, Axel. I promise."

"I'm not gonna buy that." He brought his long, slender, spidery fingers up to brush at the angry red mark that adorned the younger's cheek.

"You're going to have to."

Pushing the hand away and ducking under Axel's outstretched, caging arm, Roxas followed his other friends, leaving the redhead to stare after him. He smiled a warm smile at the two out on the shingles, even though it pained him, taking a popsicle for himself, a sign for the others to gorge on their own. The hours wore on, the sun waned and the chill of evening bore down on the four teens. Zexion was the first to stand, the enormous book that had been preoccupying his time closed under his arm. He pulled Demyx to his feet where the boy had been strumming on his guitar which slung neatly over his back. They bade the two remaining good night before heading out. Axel was next.

"Sorry, Rox. I would stay the night if I could. I don't feel like leaving, but you know how my ... Reno is. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and ..."

"I know, Axe. You don't have to make excuses. Go home. Your brother needs you." Roxas took a deep breath. "Family ... needs to stick together."

"Aww, Rox-as, don't do that to yourself. C'mere." Axel draped his arms around his best friend, holding him close, patting his hair to try to comfort him as the tears that had been pent up all day finally broke through their dams. "You should come home with me." Roxas shook his head, pulling away from the redhead, cheeks a brilliant shade of red from his embarrassment.

"I don't think 'Mother' would approve."

Axel sighed. "Stay safe, Rox. If Reno isn't stoned, I'll come over bright and early tomorrow." A brief nod and Axel took off into the night, dropping from the roof, onto the small dumpster the boys used as a stepping stone when they didn't dare charge through the house. Roxas took a deep, steadying breath as he gathered the platter, stereo and folding chair that Zexion had found more comfortable than the scalding, black tar that the others placed themselves on.

"Stay... safe? Axel, what is safe, anymore?" The blonde asked the night, gazing up at the twinkling stars that shone so far away. How he wished he could float among those stars, careless and joyful, free from the pain, the suffering, the anticipation of some random man on his doorstep telling him his brother was dead. Or worse. He could be Missing in Action. He could be scared, alone, lost somewhere no one would ever find him and that would be how his life would be snuffed out. "Can you see them ... Cloud? Can you see the stars?" A shriek from downstairs broke through his silent world, causing his heart to race and his breath to come in short gasps. Running down the stairs, Roxas reached his sleeping mother, the woman who was emitting the awful howls, thrashing about.

"Cloud! Precious Cloud! And Sora. Dear Sora. My love!" The woman's eyes shot open, unseeing in the dark of night. Roxas didn't bother to be hurt by the fact that his name hadn't been uttered by the frantic woman's lips. "Get away! Get away from me! You'll kill me! Just like you killed my boys!"

"I'm not dead, Mother. I'm still here."

His mother stilled in her sleep as though the voice had subdued her, calmed her, lulled her into a state of security. The blonde left his mother to her nightmares, leaving a gentle kiss upon her forehead to let her know that someone was still there, someone still cared. Turning off all the lights downstairs, Roxas ascended to the second story, a picture hanging on the wall stopping him in his tracks. Whenever he was alone, he would pass this picture and, although it was etched clearly into his memory by now, the eyes still struck out at him.

Roxas, barely old enough to cry, bundled in a blanket of the purest blue, a blue to match his eyes. His mother's eyes. His laughing mother's perfect cerulean blue orbs that shone in the summer sun. His father, holding his mother tightly, his brown eyes matching his chocolaty hair. His brother. Cloud, blonde spikes running amuck, being held up with a tub of hair gel in and of itself. He scowled up at his baby brother as though the newborn was hogging his spotlight.

Roxas stepped farther down the hall, to a more recent family photo. A photo taken a day before his father was killed. The sun, as bright as in the previous. His mother's face was drawn into a scowl and Roxas could still remember the joke his father had attempted to tell to make his wife cheer up. It hadn't worked on her and she threw her blonde curls over her shoulder in a huff. Cloud was twenty-three, his arms draped over his sixteen year old brother, cheek pressed to the side of Roxas' face. The same cheek that was now a bruising red. Roxas reached out his hand, fingers brushing along his brother's face first, then his father's in an attempt to lock the memory away inside his mind for all eternity, never to forget it again.

"Cloud. Dad."

A noise behind him made the blonde jump, a yelp being stifled in his throat as a disheveled blonde woman reached out for him. Her blue oceans seemed to be on the verge of spilling over as she took in her son. "Mom."

"Oh, Roxas. Oh, my darling boy." The woman wrapped her arms around the startled boy that had her eyes. He hesitated slightly before letting his arms sink over her shaking frame, pulling her close and pressing his face into her shoulder.

"Mom. You should be in bed. Look at you. You look terrible."

He couldn't hide the shiver in his voice as he pulled away, eyes boring into the knots of rich wood beneath his feet. His mother took in the red blotch that still marked his face and gasped.

"Oh, Roxas, hunny. Look at you! What happened?!"

"Eh, I-I .. Axel and I were roughhousing. He kinda got my cheek. It doesn't hurt much. Don't worry about it."

"Roxas. I'm your mother. I know when you are lying to me."

"Y-You aren't my mother. You're my mom."

"Still, I know when you're lying to me. It wasn't Axel that did that to you, was it?"

Not looking at the elder blonde, Roxas shook his head softly. "But, don't worry about it. I know it wasn't really you. Please, go to bed. I want you to get some sleep."

"I never get to see you anymore, though, hunny."

"I know. And, believe me, I want to spend every minute I can with you, but I know that you need your sleep. Remember what the doctor said? Taking your medication regularly and getting lots of sleep and you should be all right."

"No. I won't be alright. Why bother to fool ourselves. I-I'm ... I've lost my mind. We both know I can't get it back. Don't we? I still love you though, Roxas. No matter how cruel I am, I still love you."

Trying his hardest to keep the tears from his eyes and failing, Roxas stared defiantly at the woman who had raised him. The one he hardly got to see these days. The one whose mental health was slipping more and more each day. "Tell me you understand, Roxas. Please?"

"Just because I understand doesn't mean I'm going to except it."

"R-Roxas!"

"I'm going to Axel's tomorrow."

"I-I can't let you out of my sight, Roxas! What if you get killed?! We're in the middle of a war, you know!"

"It's safer out there than in here!"

With that, the teen spun on his heel, slamming his door after he entered his room, leaving his mother out in the hall with the million memories.

-

A Letter From Cloud

-

I-It's so ... quiet. There are no haunting screams, no gunshots, no death ringing in every decibel. The homeless skulk like rats, eyes empty and sightless to the world. It would be nice if we could just kill them to end their suffering. It's all dust in these broken streets littered with rubble. I still can't believe that humans can cause so much destruction. I myself have taken lives. But, that's what I'm here for, isn't it? I'm here to take out those that threaten justice. But, can this really be justice? So much blood. So much death. So much destruction. We do nothing but snuff out the lives of others.

For what? Has no one thought that the people we kill - murder- might possibly have families of their own? Maybe they have a Roxas back home that looks up to them. Maybe they fight for their stunning mother that looks so proudly at her son as he goes off to war. Maybe they are taking revenge on the people that had their father killed in cold blood when he was just trying to keep his family together during tough times. Maybe they are searching for the glory of serving their country.

I don't care about their pathetic reasons, no matter how honorable they may be. I have my own. And I would die for my motives. I will die like so many nameless men before me. I often wonder ... does anyone remember those they kill? Do the dead despise those that took their life? I remember the look in the eyes of every person that has died by my weapon. They don't haunt me. They just peer at me from the edge of my conscious, begging me to tell them "Why me?"

I never answer.

--

To Be Continued

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Tell me what you think, alright? No, I did not make a mistake on Sora. It isn't actually in-game Sora. He comes later. And Cloud's Letter isn't an actual letter. Just as the other characters' POV's aren't what they are called. Hope you liked it! Stay tuned, kay? This whole fic was inspired by the song Rooftops by The Lost Prophets. Awsome song. I still get all tingly every time I listen to it. Try it out sometime.

When our time is up, when our lives are done, will we say we've had our fun? - Rooftops

The Lost Prophets

~xbuttonsx~