Title: the still of the silence

Summary: And I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

Author's Notes: Set in mid-S5 during Nathan and Haley's separation. Italics indicate flashbacks. Title and summary taken from the Matt Nathanson song, "C'mon Get Higher."

AN2: A short one-shot that has been bouncing around in my head for a long time. Mucho thanks in advance for reading and any feedback.

She feels like she can't breathe.

When Haley was younger, before the marriage and rock tour and near divorce and pregnancy, when she was just a tutor and not a wife, she always swore she would never be one of those silly girls who breathlessly declared that they would simply die if they weren't around their boyfriends. She never understood the girls who lost themselves in their relationships, who were left crying in the halls when their boyfriends inevitably dumped them for their best friend, or the girls who insisted that the boys they'd been dating for a whole two weeks were their soul mates and theirs was the forever, destined eternal love. She would roll her eyes as they giggled and whispered around her, certain that she would never become like them.

Then she fell for Nathan Scott and not only did she become like those silly, fanciful classmates, she could have been their goddamn leader.

So now here she sits in the silence of their bedroom, the evidence of their shared life surrounding her at every turn, and she is slowly suffocating.

He is gone, and she cannot breathe.

*****

The first time he kisses her, he steals her breath away.

She sees him standing in front of her house, and for a moment she debates the merits of turning around and heading back to the River Court. She doesn't want to see him, not now, not after he embarrassed her in front of Tim and his other friends, but she knows she can't avoid him forever. She could try, and she'd probably succeed, but Haley's never been one to run.

Besides, he's throwing rocks at her parents' window and she doesn't want the first (and only, she tells herself) time Nathan Scott meets her parents is after waking them up at seven o'clock in the morning.

She gets his attention and when he spins around to face her, her heart skips a beat at the look in his eyes. It's one of contrition, of pain, and she is amazed that she could be the cause of such a look. Haley James really has never been the reason for any look from a guy, much less this look from this guy. It startles her, and for a moment, she lets herself believe that maybe this time will be different as she searches his gaze for any hint of deceit.

Before she allows herself to get lost in his eyes, reality rears its ugly head as his reaction the night before flashes before her, and she steels herself for whatever lame apology Nathan has prepared. She's tired of his apologies, of setting herself up for a fall when he inevitably hurts her, and as he opens his mouth to speak, she decides that nothing he says will surprise her. At this point, there's not anything he could do that would surprise her.

As she tells him this, he does the most wonderful, awful, scary, exciting thing she never imagined happening: He kisses her.

And suddenly, she can't breathe.

*****

It's been three days since she kicked Nathan out of the house.

Through all of the difficulties they've faced in their marriage, this feels like the toughest, the most painful. When she left for the tour, although it hurt more than she ever imagined, she always had faith that they would be back together one day. When she returned, and Nathan kept her at arm's length, there were moments that sustained her, that kept the small hope alive that she and Nathan would find their way back to one another. Even when she had her moments of doubt, that they married too young, that her leaving for the tour irrevocably damaged their relationship, that they were too young to become parents, she always knew those doubts were merely temporary and that she and Nathan would have their always and forever.

But now, for the first time in six years, she has lost that hope. She's not sure that always and forever is in the cards for them, and that thought wounds her more than the harshest blow. She struggles to hold on to the certainty that got her through the lonely nights of their previous separation, but instead of hearing the whispered assurances that Nathan loves her, that she is his always and forever, she is paralyzed by the silence. It presses on her, stealing her breath and leaving her trapped in a never-ending nightmare. She opens her mouth in a soundless scream as voices from the past echo in her head.

I love you, Hales. Always and forever.

He's crazy about you, Haley. Even I can see that.

You're my family now Haley. The only true thing I have. I never wanna lose you.

Nathan loves me, and I love him back.

Did he tell you he kissed me?

This marriage is over! I want a divorce!

Carrie's taunts are painful but Haley knows they are only lies from a twisted mind. What hurts, what crushes her until she feels like she can't breathe, are the memories of Nathan and his vows of love. Even in their worst moments, although she may have briefly doubted their rush into marriage when they were younger, she's never doubted his love, but now, now she's not sure if she has enough faith in him, in them to survive this setback.

She wants to go back to the early days of their marriage, when everything was new and fresh. Back when they were happy, before the days of Chris and the tour and the school shooting and every other obstacle they have had to face. Before Nathan's accident, before Carrie… they used to be happy, and more than anything, Haley longs to feel that happiness again. She knows it's out of reach right now, and with each hour that passes by, it slips further from her grasp.

She loves Nathan, her love for him has never wavered, but she wonders if maybe this time, love isn't enough.

It's been three days since she kicked Nathan out of the house, and three days since she felt like she could breathe.

*****

"Nathan, I can't breathe," she giggles as he presses her further into the mattress. She thrusts her lower body slightly in an attempt to dislodge him, but he merely grins at her futile gesture.

It's not her fault she's so tiny! She can't help that her husband is some physical freak of nature!

"Hales, you know all you have to do is ask…"

She scowls, eyes narrowing as she takes in his amused smirk—ooooh, she was going to get Nathan Scott!—at her continued attempts to wriggle free. If she can just get her arm free, then she could. . . Apparently catching on to her scheme, he twists his torso, stopping her movement. She huffs her displeasure, the urge to cross her arms and pout nearly overwhelming, and Nathan leans down to press a kiss to her nose, laughing softly when she sticks her tongue out at him.

"Tell me what I want, baby, and I'll let you go."

Oh, it is so on.

"In your dreams, Nathan," she retorts, determined not to give in to the power of his smirk. That smirk had been known to get her to do things she had never dreamed of doing—washing his sweaty gym socks, skipping classes to catch an afternoon concert, getting married at sixteen. . .

"Babe, it's very simple. If you say it, I'll let you go."

"It," Haley deadpans.

"Haha, very funny. Who knew I married such a comedian?"

"Hey, you knew exactly what you were getting when you married me, buddy."

He smirks again, and the familiar clenching of her belly at the sight makes her even more aware of the intimate tangle of their bodies. His groin is pressed against her, making Haley acutely aware of his arousal, and the ache that had been building from the moment he tackled her onto their bed fully blossoms. She rubs against his erection, moaning softly when he echoes her movement and kisses her neck, pulling the soft skin between his teeth and nibbling gently. She tilts her head to the side allowing him more room to explore, and is disappointed when he pulls back.

He brings his hands to her wrists, clutching them gently, and raises them above her head. The action causes her breasts to push against her top, and she grins as Nathan's eyes darken with desire. Her nipples pebble into hard points at the wolfish smile that appears on his face, and she swallows harshly as he leans down, so close she feels his hot breath against her lips, and whispers.

"How much do you want me, Hales? How much do you want to me to run my hands under your shirt, touch your pretty pink nipples? To slip my hand down your pants and touch you? I bet you're so wet right now, imagining my fingers inside you, twisting and turning as I suck your nipples. Are you, baby?"

She nods, unable to speak at his heated words, her mind whirling into overdrive at his suggestions. She clenches her thighs together in an attempt to ease the ache between her legs. Nathan has turned their earlier teasing, when Haley jokingly told Nathan he was the second best kisser she had had, the first being Billy Johns from second grade, into a battle she's not sure she can win and right now, she doesn't care. All she cares about is the feel of her husband pressing against her, his lips mere centimeters from her own, and the passionate scenarios he is painting with his words.

"I can't wait to feel you around my cock, Hales. You're so tight, so wet. Or do you want my tongue tasting you? Tell me what you want and I'll do it."

"T-t-tongue," she breathes out, belly clenched tightly with anticipation at his next action.

He grins and moves to whisper in her ear. "And who's the best kiss you've ever had?"

For a moment, she is tempted to continue teasing him, regardless of how much her body is screaming at her to just give in. The throbbing between her legs convinces her how foolish continuing would be and answers in a low, throaty voice coated with desire.

"You, always you."

"Damn straight," he murmurs before capturing her lips in a kiss that steals her breath.

*****

The first time she sees him since the separation, the haunted look in his eyes takes her breath away.

Through the years, she has seen many looks from Nathan Scott. The desire that always seems to be present when they steal a few moments alone. Anger whenever Dan is mentioned. Joy and pride warring in equal measure every time Jaime is near. Jealousy when he sees the teenage clerk at the grocery store awkwardly flirt with her. Over the course of their marriage, she has seen every emotion possible in his eyes. She didn't think she could be surprised anymore.

Then she opens the door to find Nathan standing beside Lucas, and the cacophony behind her suddenly disappears. The sounds of Brooke and Peyton setting up for Lindsay's bachelorette party are silent; the only sound Haley can hear is the pounding of her heart. She risks a glance to study his face, and the look in his eyes stuns her and steals her breath. It's one she has never seen before, one she didn't think she'd ever see.

Total despair.

Even during the most painful days of their marriage, she has never seen such a hopeless expression. When they were separated, and every encounter left her feeling like they had never been further apart, his gaze still shone with love. It may have been dampened by anger or hurt, but it was still there. She took comfort in that, and it helped her struggle through the months before their reconciliation. In the last several months as Nathan dealt with his accident, when every day seemed to be an agonizing reminder of what could have been, he never appeared as defeated as he does in this moment.

Now, she sees nothing but misery.

She longs to touch him, to soothe away his pain and reassure him of her love, but she doesn't have the words. She is stunned by the miserable expression on his face, the utter defeat in his eyes, and she knows that with a few simple words, she can ease the hurt that consumes them both. With a few words, she can erase the last several days and he can come home, they can be a family again. With a few words, she can start them on the path to forgiveness.

The silence surrounds her and she can't breathe.

fin