Say, a csi fanfic | FanFiction

04/08/2009 19:39:00

A/N: Hello all! Alright, alright, I know, I'm supposed to be working on 'Sara's Baby', and I am- really. But I've been messing around with this piece for a few months now and I think I've finally made it somewhat presentable.

So, I sort of lied in the summary, this is not a oneshot- or better to say that its not only a one shot. It is also my very first real songfic! Hooray! I know a lot of people shy away from songfic- I used to be one of you. But really, give this one a chance. I've slipped music into some of my other stuff and no one seemed to mind, so try it out. I promise its not a musical- no Grissom breaking out into song in a leotard and nut-huggers. Oh, ha-ha! I've just given you that image, haven't I? Well, I promise, read this and it will at least be partially burnt out of you memory (I hope…).

Also, I recommend reading this while playing the actual song in the background- sets the tone a bit better. So the song is "Say" by John Mayer, if you don't have it (then you should get it!) just go to YouTube and search 'say john mayer' and it should be the first one that pops up.

Anyhoo, have fun and enjoy!

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From the corner of her eye, Catherine spied cautiously on her driving companion, grinding her teeth nervously. Sara Sidle sat, her knees up under her chin and her bare feet balanced on the dashboard as she absently stared out the side window. She was seemingly unaware of the critical eye upon her.

Her palms were sweaty, she needed a distraction. Trying to regain focus, she tuned the dial. As the radio came on, Catherine bobbed her head, tapping her hand against the wheel. It wasn't her kind of music, but her daughter had played it enough this summer for it to be familiar, and she had to admit it was infinitely better than the teenybopper phase that had come before it. Surprising herself, she actually bothered to listen this time. When the lyrics began to play, Catherine's eyes were back on the road, but her thoughts were somewhere else altogether.

"Take all of your wasted honor…"

In her mind, images flashed, little reminders of all the times she had risked her heart, even more so the times her heart had been handed back to her in pieces. Did she dare to try again?

"Every little past frustration…"

Her brain traveled through all of the arguments, the too late falling tears that had soaked her pillow. She knew that the words from the woman beside her had always, would always, cut the deepest. And yet…

"Take all of your so-called problems…"

They did fight. When they were together, sparks flew- there was no denying that. They owed each other more apologies than Catherine could count, or even remember. But with this weight pressing in on her chest, that had been growing for weeks perhaps months now, what did all the fighting mean? It seemed fairly insignificant now.

"Better put 'em in quotations…"

As the first chorus began, repetitive as it might have been, it struck a chord within her and pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

Sara shifted in her seat, adjusting her air vent before sighing loudly and resuming her watch of the early morning light as it warmed the desert sand. It was beautiful, Catherine had to admit, thought her view didn't just include the desert landscape.

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

The older woman gave a longing glance at the back of the brunette's head. If only she could say. Say the words that were on the tip of her tongue. But was it worth the risk?

"Walking like a one man army…"

It had been just her and Lindsey for so long now. Sure, there had been trysts, dates, even lovers. But none had come close to what she needed outside of the bedroom. She understood. After all, she was a no nonsense woman, a single working mom who dealt everyday with death. Destruction. Demons.

"Fighting with the shadows in your head…"

But for some reason, her mind argued, she knew that the woman beside her wouldn't dismiss the woman inside her- the woman she wanted to be all the time, if she wasn't forced by life to suppress her light-hearted side, her passionate side…

"Living out the same old moment…"

She shook her head to dispel the thoughts. It would just come back in her face. She knew Sara, didn't she? She'd tortured the younger woman enough years to know. Her mind flashed with the memories of every time she had shut Sara down, the broken look in her eyes. It was that look that haunted her more than anything these days.

"Knowing you'd be better off instead…"

Why did she have to be like that? Why did it take her so long to realize? And now, now when there was no hope left, now was the time she had to come to her senses? It wasn't fair. Once again, her head turned to her passenger. This time, Sara's head had turned and she caught her eyes. Catherine quickly turned her eyes back to the road.

"If you could only"

If I could only…Catherine sighed. If I could only say it. Outloud. If only I weren't so damned chicken!

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

The city limit sign passed by and she knew they only had a few miles of solitude left before the buildings would loom before them and the morning traffic would suck her back into reality.

"Say what you need to say..

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

That's what it came down to. She was scared. Her heart was well-worn and had long forgotten the butterflies that were attempting to escape her stomach, the blood that pounded in her ears, the urge to watch her, touch her, whenever she was around. But there was nothing she could do. And yet…

"Have no fear for giving in…"

If it continued on like this, it would overwhelm her. This feeling that threatened to consume her would break through. And then what would happen? She didn't think you could literally die of a broken heart, but you certainly couldn't live either- just a shadow of yourself, a weak imitation of the person you once were.

"Have no fear for giving over…"

But…a voice spoke up in the back of her mind, since when did Catherine Willows run away from her problems? At what point had she lost her nerve? Was there really any reason, apart from having her heart shattered into pieces, that she was backing down?

"You better know that in the end…"

Catherine sat taller in her seat and met her own eyes in the rearview mirror. Did she dare? Was she ready for the consequences? Of either outcome? Was she ready to pick up the pieces of her heart yet again? Was she ready to trust in someone again? Could she give up enough of her control to really let someone in? God, how she wanted to be ready.

"It's better to say too much…"

Thinking about it now, did she really even have a choice? Her own principles gave her no other option- she wanted no regrets. And what greater regret could there be than not taking a chance with your life happiness?

"Than never to say what you need to say again…"

Catherine slowed the vehicle and pulled it to a stop on the side of the road, looking straight ahead. She tried to remain calm as her brain spun with the reality of the situation and what she was about to do.

"Even if your hands are shaking…"

Catherine clenched her hands into fists as they left the steering wheel, then put them into her lap to hide how much they trembled.

"And your faith is broken…"

She geared herself up for the disappointment she knew was coming. It was hard enough asking people to accept a part of her. But all of her? Not many people were that crazy. Who would sign on for that? Who would take that bet? But it didn't matter, she just needed to get it over with. She took a deep breath.

"Even as the eyes are closing…"

Catherine closed her eyes as she exhaled. She swallowed hard, pushing the heavy beat of her heart and tightness in her throat to the back of her mind. She turned to meet the gaze of two hazel-brown pools. She could see the question in those eyes. She blinked slowly, one last time.

"Do it with a heart wide open…"

But the words caught on her tongue and she couldn't get them out. The brunette's expression changed from one of curiosity to one of concern. She rested her head against the seat, watching Catherine worriedly. Catherine tried to regroup, and looking at the younger woman, found her footing. She kept eye contact with Sara as she unhooked her seat belt.

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

As she leaned across and bridged the gap between them, her eyes remained on the brunette and the brunette did not move. When she was too close for her eyes to focus on the other woman, Catherine's hand automatically came up to cradle the younger woman's face. When she still did not move away, Catherine closed her eyes and pressed her lips gently but firmly against Sara's.

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to…

Say what you need to…"

The fluttering in her stomach was unbearable but she dared not move.

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

Several seconds later, Catherine sat back and studied the other woman's face. After a long moment, the brunette looked up to meet with hopeful blue eyes. Sara's eyes glittered as her mouth spread slowly into a wide and beautiful smile. Catherine couldn't hold back a yelp that was half cry and half laugh. Her eyes began to glitter as well, with the unshed tears of the deliriously happy. She beamed. Moments later, her lips were met again with the more insistent kiss of one Sara Sidle.

"Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…

Say what you need to say…"

As the song came to a close and the morning weather report began, Catherine smiled into Sara's lips, thinking. She marveled that with all of the worry she had been holding on to, all of the nerves she'd had, and all of the doubt and stress that had run through her veins, what she had really needed to say was…nothing at all.

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So? Likey like? I hope so, because I am super tired and off to bed. Did I get rid of the Grissom image? It really could have been worse. I could have said something about Ecklie in ass-less chaps. Or Hodges in nothing but crotchless panties and whip! Oops, did it again, didn't I? Well, I promise to stop as long as you review, otherwise I'll be forced to go on. Let's see…Brass might look really hot if…