Disclaimer: I do not own 'High School Musical' or any related characters nor do I own Taylor Swift's lyrics.
A/N: Okay. I've been having so many computer troubles I'm not even kidding. Seriously. What computer doesn't have Word? Its stupid. But that's only the start and I'm sorry I haven't updated but computer troubles and work and exhaustion and it all just comes together to make my life difficult.
Anyway, be warned, this is a pretty intense chapter and I really like it but I would love to hear your opinions about it because it's one of the more difficult chapters I've written and I really hope I've done the emotions and situations justice with what happens. So, your opinions would be greatly appreciated but please don't feel pressured to write a review!
I hope you enjoy the chapter in any case!
The Letters Never Read
Chapter Fourteen: Coming Undone
Hold on baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go and no one knows
That you cry but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone
Tied Together With A Smile - Taylor Swift
Troy had known it was a bad idea to go running in San Jose.
Hell, he hadn't been running in San Jose because he knew he was going to get completely lost. Which, he thought as he slowed down to look for familiar landmarks, was probably a bit stupid. He could find his way around so many of the European big city's - Paris, Rome, Barcelona - that wasn't it a little bit poor he had no idea around a city he lived near?
But he'd had to get out of that damn hotel room.
He'd known Sharpay was going to come barging in once she'd put the car and the letters into some sort of order. He'd been counting on it because he needed someone who could talk Gabriella into doing anything on his side. He'd even been expecting the accusations and insults but he hadn't been expecting the snide observation that maybe he didn't care about Gabriella. That maybe waiting six months for her didn't mean that he cared, it meant that he just didn't care enough.
But, goddamn it, he cared.
He knew so many people who thought he cared too much. Chasing after the same girl for nine years? Enduring fights, tennis being his number one priority and the countless girls that had offered him so much better deals then the one he had with Gabriella, most people would take a look at just the first one and leave. Throw up their hands and give up, refuse to fight for it because it was too hard. Too complicated. Too easy to leave at a wistful summer love.
And, perhaps for the first time since knowing Gabriella, Troy found himself thinking that maybe it would've been easier to leave at a summer love.
If he was going down that road then, Troy thought viciously, then maybe it would have been easier to leave it at a phone call, a one night stand, an acknowledgment that they'd both changed, one becoming untouchable, the other growing up. Maybe it would've been easier to simply collapse into a bed after the ATP World Finals instead of flying to San Francisco to see her. Maybe it would've been easier to have thrown the rest of the letters out instead of reading them and concocting this ridiculous plan to keep Gabriella in his life.
Troy felt something strain at his thoughts, some tether he'd wrapped around everything to keep his emotions in place as he tried to fight for Gabriella and everything they could be.
He took a deep breath even as it strained some more and realized, belatedly, that he'd come to a dead stop outside some well used tennis courts.
Of course, he thought with a roll of his eyes, he'd get lost but end up at some tennis courts.
"Excuse me, sir? Are - are you Troy Bolton?"
The shy voice of a boy no older than eight tore Troy from his sarcastic thoughts and he pasted on the smile that always worked in these situations and for the first time in nearly ten years felt that maybe it wasn't enough anymore.
"Yep. That would be me." He crouched down to the shocked boy. "Hi. What's your name?"
The boys eyes widened at his offered hand and he quickly took it, holding onto it tightly as Troy shook his hand gently and refusing to let go even though he hadn't replied yet.
"I - I'm - my name's Joshua, sir."
Troy couldn't help the real smile as Joshua's chocolate eyes widened comically as he stuttered out his name.
"That's a really cool name, Joshua. Do you play tennis?"
The boy nodded earnestly. "Oh, yes. Every Wednesday. My coach says I've got a real good backhand and that I could be really good one day."
His eyes shining as he related the words to his hero caused a pang somewhere deep in Troy's chest as the tether stretched to a shade before breaking point. Hadn't he been only a little older than Joshua when his coach had said he could be something great? Hadn't he been as enthusiastic as the boy in front of him when he'd assured his parents that tennis was what he wanted?
What the hell had happened to him? If Gabriella hadn't come into his life would he still be as enthusiastic about the game that ruled his life? Would he wish that the sport he loved hadn't come between him and the woman he loved?
"That's really good, Joshua. Maybe I should come by one Wednesday and give you some pointers. Do you think I'd be allowed to do that?"
The smile that lit up the boys face squeezed at Troy's heart and he suddenly realized the pang wasn't just about losing a life to a sport and wishing he could remember why he loved it.
It was also about the fact that he wanted to have children. He wanted to be a father to a little boy with chocolate brown eyes who played tennis and had a real good backhand.
He wanted the damn possibility of having a little boy with chocolate brown eyes and a real good backhand.
"You know what, Joshua? I'll try and come back next Wednesday, is that okay?"
"Yeah. Yes. That would be so cool. Will you sign my tennis racket? And show me how you do that shot down the line that makes people get real mad? Will you serve really quickly too? So we can see how good you are at? Please?" Joshua's hat began to fall off his head as he bounced with the rapid fire questions and Troy couldn't help but laugh.
He plucked the cap off the boys head and then resettled it. "Sure. To all questions. What time is your coaching session?"
Before Joshua could respond, a female voice cried out. "Joshua! Where are you?"
The boy sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm over here, mom. Talking to Mr Bolton."
Troy rose to his full height as a frantic woman strode over from where she was standing and grasped her sons hand tightly.
"Don't you ever do that again Joshua Jackson! I was worried sick!" She scolded him, her other hand stroking down his shoulder and Troy swallowed as he tried to ignore the pang at the mothering.
Damn it all to hell and back, he wanted to see that with his own child.
He wanted it to be Gabriella soothing their child.
He wanted to see the rings flashing on her left hand as she scolded their own child.
"Mom? What time is our session on Wednesday? Mr Bolton said he would come." Joshua asked his mother, unaware of the turmoil in his idol's thoughts.
"Oh, honey, it's around three and I'm sure Mr Bolton is too busy to come to your session."
Troy interrupted before Joshua could protest. "I'll see you next Wednesday at three then J-Man."
The boy's face lit up and Troy forced a smile, horribly aware that for the first time in a long time a smile wasn't enough anymore. Not for him anyway.
"Okay, bye Mr Bolton."
Troy waved slightly before turning on his heel and heading in a direction he hoped would take him away from his thoughts and the terrible realization that he was about to fall apart at the seams.
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. He thought furiously. He wanted a child, he wanted a wife, he wanted a damn life.
And the one person he knew could give him that he had allowed himself to push away for absolutely no goddamn reason.
He hated himself for it.
Because he wasn't the damn golden one that Joshua thought he was and he wasn't even tied together with a smile that never failed him anymore.
He had no fucking clue what he was or who he was or even if everything he'd ever wanted was really everything he wanted.
Troy turned a corner sharply and breathed a sigh of relief when he came face to face with his hotel. He breathed an even bigger one when he saw the liqueur store.
It wasn't a solution and it was a stupid idea and Troy knew it all as he walked into the store and headed for the beer isle.
But goddamn it, if he was going to come undone. If he was going to show himself and the world he might not be the golden one. If he was going to let the tether break, then he was going to get drunk as he did.
Because when he was drunk, it was so much easier to drown in the water that he couldn't swim in. So much easier to let go.
When he was drunk, it was so much easier to come undone.
Gabriella couldn't breathe.
Her whole world - her whole, fragile world - had just shattered uncomprehendingly and the air she'd been forcing herself to breath in the past six months had started coming in short supply.
He had been standing opposite her. Wiping sweat from his brow and all she could think was 'he's here'. How could he be here? How was it possible for him to even know that she was living here?
She'd wanted to make a sound. She'd wanted to scream, shout and confront him. She'd wanted to scale the fence, run across the road and wrap herself up in him and never, ever let go.
She'd wanted to do something.
But she hadn't.
Instead, she'd collapsed against the side of the school, shaking uncontrollably and unable to listen to anything her vice-principle had said. She still didn't know what Jan had been saying to her as her precious air supply had been stolen and her heart had jump started at the sight of him before shattering all over again as he'd run the other way.
Her mind had stopped functioning at all when he'd disappeared from sight and, as she opened her front door, she didn't know how she'd arrived at her house. She had some vague recollection of Jan pulling to her feet and gently steering her towards a different car, still speaking in a soothing tone Gabriella assumed worked well on students not women who had seen the only man that could shatter their hearts and then pull them out of the mess they'd created.
The ride in the car had been blurry, she was sure that it had been silent with Jan glancing at her worriedly every chance she got and Gabriella resolutely staring out the window trying to comprehend what she had seen. Who she had seen. What it all meant.
Except she couldn't comprehend it.
For the first time in her entire life, her brain, her intelligence, her logic had all failed her. The one thing she had always relied upon to make sense of everything - Troy leaving every single time, accepting letting him back into her life all over again, the fight neither remembered - was failing her and she could do nothing except accept that there was nothing to make sense of.
The letters she'd been receiving, Sharpay's reaction this morning - Gabriella could only assume that it had something to do with who she had just seen - seeing him was jumbling in her head until all she could do was close her eyes and wish that she could grasp onto one thing and then pull everything into order.
The way she had always done.
As she slammed the door shut and waited to hear a car drive off - she'd figured that Jan would wait until she was inside - Gabriella tried to take a deep, cleansing breath. A deep breath with the precious little air she had left and try to begin rationalizing what she had seen and what it all meant.
Because this time, it didn't just feel like she couldn't breathe.
This time it felt like she was drowning under an ocean of things that she couldn't understand.
She leaned against the hardwood door and dropped her purse to the ground as she closed her eyes and tried to force away the uncomfortable pressure in her chest she knew had everything to do with what was crashing down around her in a huge wave waiting to take her under.
It didn't work. All she could see when she closed her eyes was the way Troy had wiped his brow, the way his face had seemed more haggard than it had six months ago, the way she could see that he had suffered too.
And, God damn it, she'd wanted to believe so desperately that he hadn't suffered.
It had helped to believe that he hadn't suffered the way she had when they'd finally decided to call it quits without any words spoken. She'd rationalized it, twisted it around so that whenever she thought about him being in pain she could remind herself that he had always been the one to walk away first. He had been the one to push her away and make stupid decisions regarding her and their relationship. He had been the one that had been so damn untouchable all the time. He had been the one to start the argument that had ended it all.
She'd wanted so desperately to feel better, Gabriella knew she'd tried to blame it all on him.
And it had worked for a while, too.
Sharpay had never questioned her about her absolute belief in that it was all on him - a best friends prerogative, she figured - and Gabriella suddenly wished that the blonde had.
Because she'd known that it wasn't all Troy's fault. There was so much she could have done to show him that she appreciated every extra mile he'd run for her. Every flight he'd taken to come and see her. Every halting sentence spoken that showed her that he cared. Every step he'd taken to show that he was fighting for what they could be.
And now everything was coming down to what if's, to maybes, to should've, would've, could've and really how fair was that?
"It's not fair."
For the first time in six months, Gabriella suddenly found herself angry. She suddenly found herself downright furious.
For the first time in six months Gabriella felt like she was truly about to lose it and could do nothing but stand there, leaning against a door, with her eyes closed wishing that she could rationalize what seeing Troy meant. What the last six months had meant. How lamenting on them and blaming Troy for everything really helped anything at all.
Gabriella wasn't quite sure when the wave that had only been fueled by everything she'd just tried to lay out and figure crashed down around, all she knew was for the very first time in such a long time, she felt.
And instead of fighting the wave that threatened, instead of trying to catch her breath and rationalize everything that had happened and everything she knew was about to happen, she dove straight into the coming waters and screamed.
It was so easy to scream.
It was so easy to come undone.
It was so easy to let go and lose the tenuous grasp she'd retained on her life.
As she opened her eyes, she wasn't aware of the fact that she had tears rushing down her cheeks in an exquisite waterfall that had just broken free and she wasn't focused on the fact that she was moving to an unknown destination.
As she rushed forward, she stopped only momentarily to yank off her shoes and throw them at the wall, hard.
The violence fed the emotion breaking free and Gabriella simply continued, yanking of her shirt and throwing it away from her with as much force as possible. Her skirt came next and she had the satisfaction of twisting it into a ball and hearing a lamp shatter as it collided with the skirt and then the floor. She tore her stockings as she yanked them off and refused to care about the fact that they were her favorite pair.
Instead, she shoved the door to her room open and felt satisfaction as it slammed against the wall and the sound of plaster echoed through the room.
Oh God, she'd never been this furious.
She stalked to her wardrobe and threw it open, her eyes zeroing in on the boxes that were stacked neatly at the back. To get to them, she simply tore every shred of clothing out of her closet and threw it all haphazardly around the room. Her shoes went next and she could only smile grimly when one of them collided with her overhead light and shattered it as well.
Something else could shatter for once.
It took her so little time to reach the back of her closet and she grasped the boxes that were stacked there. With a strength borne of fury she yanked them towards her, her face dark as she tore off the masking tape and pulled the flaps open.
"Its. Not. Enough. Anymore."
The picture frames went first. Thrown across the room and falling to the floor as the next one met the same fate.
"He can't do this to me."
Photo albums were torn apart with bare hands as she yanked page after page out and shredded them before throwing them in the air so they returned like confetti.
Jewelry was thrown next.
Shirts were attacked with scissors and then scattered around the room.
Mementoes were destroyed with a single minded intensity.
The Eiffel Tower figurine she'd always loved was thrown through her bedroom window.
The tennis tickets, passes and programs were all piled together with the intent of being burned when she was done destroying everything else.
Without thought or process, Gabriella found herself destroying every single piece of the life she had led with Troy with an intensity that was only related to uncontrollable fury at everything.
When she had shredded the last box, when the fury quieted enough for her to realize she had done it all with tears running down her face, Gabriella looked at the destruction she had wreaked on what had been her life and could only feel all consuming grief as she looked at what she had done to herself, to Troy, to them.
"It's not fair." She repeated, her voice wavering as she looked at the ruin of her life.
Then she gave into the grief that had replaced the fury.
In the middle of the ruin of her life with Troy, Gabriella dropped to the floor and curled into a ball. Hiding her face in her knees, she wrapped her arms around her legs and cried.
She cried because she knew that she wouldn't tell anyone about the tears, just the fury.
She cried because the wave had crashed down around her and instead of avoiding it, she'd jumped in.
She cried because she was letting go and she wasn't so sure that anyone would know.
And she cried because she knew that she was never going to be tied together with a tremulous smile again because she'd spent the last six months smiling and now it was too late to stop herself from accepting the full force of emotion that she'd allowed to be unleashed upon herself.
When Sharpay stepped into her room hours later, Gabriella was curled up amongst the destruction she'd wreaked upon the room and could only sigh in sympathy at the sigh of her friend curled on the floor.
Curled as if she was desperately trying to ward off everything that had happened to her in the past nine years.
"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry." Sharpay whispered as she found her duvet hidden beneath clothes and spread it over her sleeping friend.
As she ignored the debris surrounding her friend - knowing that they would deal with it in the morning - Sharpay could only hope that Troy's plan was going to be enough for them to come back to themselves.
And each other.
The shattered beer bottle was Chad's first clue to his friends state when he stepped into the hotel room.
With careful movements, Chad stepped around the shattered glass and headed towards the balcony that he knew Troy occupied and could only wonder why Troy got drunk whenever he was close to coming undone.
As he stepped out onto the balcony, Chad took note of the bottles of beer heaped upon the flimsy table and wondered how much his friend had had to drink as he moved around the table to reach his friend, who's head was propped against his hand.
"Oh, man, why do you do this to yourself?" He asked softly when he saw that Troy was passed out.
It startled him when Troy's eyes flew open at his question.
"Because it's easier than coming undone."
Chad let out a quiet sigh at his friends words as Troy's eyelids dropped back down again and wished that his friend didn't have to come undone in the first place.
A/N: Phew. That was freaking intense. Like, seriously. Who knew? I can't believe I just wrote all of that. How was it? I'm sorry but they had to come undone before anything else could happen and I'm really kind of amused with Gabriella's way of coming undone. Troy on the other hand? He just seems like the type to get drunk and then figure everything else out the next day. And the children thing. I just thought...well, that Troy would have imagined it. He seems like the type of guy to want children. Or at least the possibility of them, at least. And it seems they're happy ever after is a long way away. Fear not, it'll work out. And hey, it means a longer story for you guys doesn't it? I hope you enjoyed.