Hercules and...... the Hermaphrodite
Rated PG-17 for big words and {tasteful} bawdiness
Adonis leaned forward and narrowed his eyes with interest.
"Hellooooo..... now who.... have we here???"
The gang, hanging around a table at the Speedy Pita, all glanced over in the same direction and observed the back of a student standing in did'nt recognize her from the normal crowd of regulars that hung out after school, but whoever she was she looked really attractive, at least from the back. She had a huge mane of thick golden burnished blonde hair falling down over her shoulders and a very pert little ..uh.....figure. Her emerald colored chiton slit up high on one side revealing a gorgeous tanned leg.
"Now that's... what I call....one slice of prime real estate," purred Adonis.
Icarus, sitting close as usual next to his lady love Cassandra, snuggled even closer and smiled shyly up at her.
"Am I your little slice of prime real estate???"
Cass smirked. "You are a prime slice of "un-real estate".....and I'm having you condemned."
Herc took a gulp of his fig smoothie and shook his head.
"Adonis, I'll never understand how you can be dating the most beautiful woman in the Hellenic world and still have a roving eye for anything in a chiton."
"Helen does'nt happen to be here right now.....and hey, I'm a healthy male prince, I'm not dead."
"Would t'wer you were," muttered Icarus under his breath.
The beautiful girl lingered a few moments more at the counter, waiting for the guy to wrap up her pitas and reaching into her pocket for some coins to pay him. Interestingly, she did'nt carry a purse, although no one made anything of that at the time.
Adonis rose from his seat. "Looks like she could use a little.... "Vitamin A," as in A-donis.......I guess it's time to make my move."
Icarus scowled. "Why don't you have your servants make it for ya??"
"Because, Bugwit, this calls for a real man, that's why.......She doe'snt know it yet, but she's about to meet the "guy of her dreams".....
Adonis walked up behind the girl and leaned against the wall in a sexy non-chalant manner.
"Excuse me, Gorgeous, " he said, "but I was just curious, how will you like your eggs in the morning??"
She dumped her drink over his head.
"Not too .....runny!!" she answered, and, completely turning around, delivered a terrific surprise to everyone looking.
She had a moustache. And a beard. A thick, long curly blonde beard that stopped just short of her magnificent cleavage.
Herc burst out into hysterical laughter."Looks like you just met the guy of your dreams, Adonis!!!!!"
The gang exploded with laughter....even Cassandra broke down.
Icarus turned to Cass and guffawed. "Ye gods!!!....I thought I had hormonal problems!!!"
"Yeah!" giggled Cass, "I thought You had hormonal problems!!!!!"
"Very funny!!!" said Adonis, sourly, returning to the table. He picked up a napkin and wrung out his hair. He glanced over his shoulder at his erstwhile conquest. "Zeusdamned freak.......I sincerely hope you all enjoyed yourselves!!"
"We did, actually," said Icarus, wiping his eyes...."We really did....in fact, can ya go do that again?"
"Oh, go fry what's left of your brain!!!"
"Too late!!!" Icarus cawed......"Hey, A-donis, I like My eggs runny!!!!...you free Friday night?!!??"
Adonis shoved Icarus'es chair rather violently as he walked away and Icarus made rude kissing sounds after him.
The humiliated prince whirled around in a rage. "One more wisecrack and your butt is mine!!!" he snarled, "What do ya say to that???!!"
"Well... I'm flattered, of course....and maybe just a little bit curious....."
"OH, SHUT UP!!!!!"
Adonis hauled back to take a swing at his tiny tormentor but stopped when Hercules rose halfway out of his chair with a you've-got-to-be-kidding grin, holding up just one fist to stop him. One of Hercules'es fists was all that was needed.
The two of them stared evenly at each other for a moment, and then the Prince shrugged, and backed down. That damn hero was always in the way. He tossed his golden hair and shook his own fist in Icarus'es face.
"Just wait til I get you alone, one day!!!" he growled.
"Promises, promises!!"
Adonis bounced a pita off of Icarus'es head, and then contented himself with a few rude hand gestures as he retreated with his bunch, mumbling something about "pathetic losers" as he departed.
Herc laughed and sat back down. "Ya know, Ick, one of these days I'm not gonna be around to stop that creep." he warned, "you'd better tone it down a little."
"Aw, co'mon, Herc...."Adonis-baiting" is all I have in life," pouted Icarus. "Don't take that away from me!!!!"
"Well, everyone needs a hobby," said Cass, "but we still have a rather intriguing question in front of us......is that person...over there.... a guy..... or a girl?????"
All three of them turned back to the attractive, if unusual, stranger.
"I think it's a guy who lost a bet. Or maybe it's some kind of initiation thing.....Oh!!! I know!!!....it's one of those dudes from Sparta....if they think yer a coward they make you dress up in women's clothing, remember??"
"A progressive people, those Spartans," observed Cassandra sourly.
"Well," said Herc thoughtfully "it's an interesting explanation."
"I think she's a girl who wears a fake beard so that drips like you leave her alone."
"Ya gotta admit it worked on Adonis."
"A bit drastic, though."
"OK," announced Icarus, carefully smoothing out a piece of parchment, "I'm gonna make a list. One one side.... all the guy traits, on the other side, the gal's....right ....for starters..... he's got gorgeous big goo-goo eyes....a delicate nose .....beautiful long hair... a body that won't quit and a very impressive set of.....well, a body that won't quit"...
"He does have nice legs" admitted Herc.
"But that beard and moustache...that's the poser...and ya know those arms are really muscular."
"And hairy."
"So.... maybe she works out!!" defended Cassandra.
"Yes...but all the facial hair??"
"Yeah. you're the expert on facial hair, Mr. Has'nt Shaved Once In This Lifetime."
"I happen to have my mother's complexion. Smooth as a baby's bottom."
"Well that would explain your breath."
"Oh ha, ha."
Herc grinned. " So.... where does this leave us?? Is he a girl or a guy?? .I mean .....what's officially under that chiton??"
Cassandra rolled her eyes. "You are such a pervert."
"He is Not!!" retorted Icarus.
"How do you know??"
"'I know 'cause I'm a pervert and he never shows up at the meetings!!!!"
Herc laughed. "So....I dare ya .....Go over and ask him yourself !!."
"I will not!! that's rude!!"
"True."
"I know!! I'll just peek up his skirt and have a looksee!!"
"Oh, that's polite!!"
"How else are ya gonna figure it out?? co'mon!! let's try it....Herc, arya game??"
"No way!!"
"Why not???"
"Heroes-in-Training don't go around peeking up other guy's chitons, that's why not !!
"Tell that to the Spartans."
Cass put her drink down with a thump. "Ever think that you could piss him off majorly and lose a couple of teeth in the process?? Not that I'm against that, you understand."
"I know!! let's wait til he has to visit to the lavatorium and see which one he goes in!!"
"That won't prove anything beyond a shadow of a doubt.You go into women's rooms all the time!!!"
"Ok, I'll slip in whichever one he chooses and pretend to drop my stylus on the floor in the stall next to him. And I'll sneek a peek at what's goin' on. Cass, you just be the lookout, OK??"
"I'll do this Only out of morbid curiosity and because I'm rooting for there to be another female on this campus.....but if I ever catch you trying that with me I'll kill you fourteen ways before you hit the ground!!!"
"And.... it will be worth it!!!"
"Ok, "said Herc, "but if you're going to do this ....just be... classy about it. Be...... cool and low key??"
"You can count on me. I will be the quintessance of discretion."
They waited several more minutes in silence. Icarus glanced over at the guy/gal and happily watched as he/she suddenly got up out of his/her seat and started to walk towards the restrooms. Icarus followed him into the men's room and came out some minutes sat down quietly next to Herc and started at him for a moment.
"Well???"
"You Are Not Going To Believe This......"
He leaned over and whispered in Herc's ear.
Herc gasped. "BOTH!!?? So he's...both a guy.... AND a girl?? he's got like...both sets of ...parts???...you mean...he's got ..a....a .thing.....and a thingy??!!"
Icarus nodded."Believe it, Buddy."
Cassandra shook her head."Wow...ya know..some people will do Anything to get out of gym".....
"So...... what does this mean??" wondered Herc
Icarus shrugged. "I"ll tellya what it means....it means he's an awful lotof fun at an orgy, that's what it means."
Both boys burst out laughing.
"Shhhusshhh!!! he's looking over here!!!" hissed Cassandra, "be cool!!!!"
Herc stood up. "I'm going over there. Whoever ....or whatever he is, it's time for a simple, polite, civilized introduction."
Herc walked over and smiled. "Hello....I could'nt help but notice, are you new here?? do you go to Pro Ac???"
"No...Not quite...I was thinking of enrolling though.".
His voice was strong, low and manly, making the presence of that spectacular cleavage all the more disconcerting.
"Oh, I thought you might be a newbie...well...ah....I hope you decide to go. Its a pretty cool place".
"Thanks...would you like a seat???"
"Oh, sure." Herc sat down and tried to be non-chalant, but his fascination with the stranger's beard was all too stranger sensed it and tried to break the ice.
"I'm Hermaphroditus," he said, shaking Herc's hand with a surprisingly manly grip.
Herc nodded and smiled. "Listen, um....look.....I apologize if you noticed us staring over there.....We did'nt mean to be rude."
Hermaphroditus smiled. "Yes. I get that a lot. But..um...that's ok. It's cool."
"I......I just thought I should come over here and say hello... I'm Hercules."
"And you're curious."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"There's really not much to say." He sighed. "I was born near Mt. Ida. I never knew my real parents...I was abandoned at birth...but, way before this {here he tugged at his beard} happened. I guess they just could'nt take care of me. Or...maybe they did'nt want me."
"Oh no," said Herc quickly, "I'm sure there was a good explanation......to be honest, I kinda have the same story myself...... Anyway....go on."
"Well, I was raised by a group of kindly nymphs in this cave, til I was 14 years old or so, did a lot herding, sheparding, fishing, whatnot, and it's a good gig, but ya know, kindov boring after awhile. I got restless and lonely...I wanted to find other mortals to be friends with."
Herc nodded.
"So I set off on my own to see the big cities and take my place in the world. I was headed towards Athens when, one day, as I was walking through the forest, I heard this gorgeous singing.....and I could'nt help but follow the voice to this crystal clear little pond in a forest clearing, and, well...that's when I met...... Salmacis."
"Salmacis??"
"She was a naied, a river nymph. Well, I figured she was...cause she was naked, and floating just under the surface, with only her head and upper torso and arms showing. She was beautiful. She was brilliant. She was waterproof. Hey...what I mean is...she was really nice ...but all we did was talk. Like I said, I was raised with nymphs, so, ya know, we had a lot in common."
"Yeah??? go on."
"As I was saying. I was'nt in love with her, but she fell hopelessly in love with me. Outta of the blue, she just suddenly could'nt keep her hands off of insanely obsessed to the point where I was really scared for my life"....
Herc drew a deep breath. "Oh...yeeeaaahhh............been there, done that, bought the T-shirt."
"I tried to get away, but she started to weep...begging me to stay and be her love...and making such sad heart-broken sounding sobs I returned to the water's edge to try to explain Why we could'nt be together for eternity. She begged for a farewell kiss, and I thought, what the hey?? But when our lips touched she threw her arms around me and pulled me in down under the surface. Before I knew it, she had wrapped herself around me so tightly I could barely move my own arms and legs.....".
"I could'nt help it....can you blame a girl for falling in love??"
Herc gasped. The voice he just heard, coming out of his companion's mouth was high and smooth and clear ....like a girl', the next words were spoken in Hermaphoditus'es low masculine tones.
"No, but not every girl who falls in love feels the need to morph into her own date!!"
"This was'nt my idea!!!!! I didn't know my prayers would be answered that way!!!!"
Herc was confused..."Wait...your voice has gone all funny."
"I know."
"It's because I'm in here too!!!!...he never mentions That, does he???"
Herc was startled. "Who was that??"
"Me!! Salmacis.....I'm the water nymph. It's a pleasure to meet you, Hercules.".
"Yes," said the lower male voice, "allow me to introduce my..."better half"....
Herc did a major doubletake. "Waitta sec....you mean...there are ....Two of you in there??!!??"
"Yes...I'm afraid so"said Hermaphroditus, "when she wrapped herself around me and pulled me to the bottom of the pond she prayed so hard that we would never be separated that her wishes were answered...somehow. Some god....somewhere...with a lot of time on their hands and a really sick sense of humour..... answered the call".
Herc snorted. "Hmmph....sounds like Hades."
"No.... it was'nt Hades.....he never appeared and we never made a deal for anything."
"Possibly Pan, then, ".....said Herc, stroking his chin....."he's always up for a bawdy practical joke. Silenus, too".........
"Well...whoever it was...we were blended into one human being. Salmacis and I have merged completely into the same body...one body... and one mind".....
"And one soul!!!"
Herc stared at him for a long moment.
"So let me........ wrap my brain around this one...I mean, this one buries the needle on the Weird Meter...You are a dude.... and a gal...combined together?????"
"Exactly."
"Well....without going into too many painful details......exactly .how do you, er...manage that???
"Not easily."
"He's exagerrating!!! we get on Just fine!!"
"Except when She has her period. He scowled. "Totally gross. And five days of the month she's Just impossible to live with!!"
"Hey!!! do I complain about your stupid spontaneous teenage erections every 14 minutes!!???...not to mention your Total inability to ask directions????"
Herc cringed. "Wow.....talk about oversharing.......this is like ...lots more information than I'm used to," interuppted Herc, "...um.....not to change the subject too drastically...but....would you like to meet my friends???"
"Sure!!! Just let me go fix my face."
"Your face is fine. You just fixed it an hour ago!!!."
"Well, I'm fixing it again!!!!....your beard needs combing. It's got crumbs in it."
Hermophroditus sighed. "I'll be right with you, Herc. Gimme 5 minutes."
"Make it 10!!"
Hermaphroditus groaned and rose to go to the lavatorium.
Herc returned to his friends and sat down in a bit of a trance.
Icarus cocked his head. "So??? what's up?? you have a funny look on your face."
"It was'nt easy.....but....I think..... I've finally met a couple more messed up than you two."
"Impossible!!!"
"Well...you can judge for yourself...he...she...they...are coming over here to meet you. So..be cool."
"Can do".
A few moments later Hermophroditus walked over to the table, looking a little shy.
Herc smiled. "Well, sit down, already, I'd like you to meet my gang, such as it is..."
"Are you sure they won't mind??..um...ya see...a lot of people don't....really accept me".
"Hey....You're more than welcome to hang with us. We accept you."
Cass rose from her seat and extended her hand.
"Of course...that's not saying much. Hi. I'm Cassandra, Herc's main gal pal and, uh.. ...Oracle-In- Training. And this," she said, acknowledging Icarus'es eager grin, is.... Your Passport To Insanity."
Hermaphroditus shook Ick's hand."Did'nt catch the name??"
"Icarus," Cass interuppted,"It's name is ...."Icarus."
"At your service," bowed Icarus. "Any friend of Herc's is a friend of mine."
"It's great to meet both of you "said Hermaphroditus....."Are you her boyfriend??
"Better believe it!!....I'm all hers!!!! From the top of my superlatively coiffed head to----"
.........."the bottom of his little webbed toes. Um...nix on the boyfriend scene....I'm......more just like his..... keeper. I remove small things from his reach that he could choke on and put out the occasional fire."
Hermaphroditus laughed, and Salmacis spoke up.
"Sounds like SOP. It's us gals that gotta keep them in line, right, Cassandra??"
Cass looked startled."What was that???"
"Oh...um..yeah..well as I was saying" said Herc...."Herm here has some unusual.....issues."
And he explained his new friend's predicament.
Icarus looked sympathetic."Ya know??? that's the one real drawback to living in ancient Greece...... Stuff like this happens all the time....still...it could be worse...and hey.....you've doubled your chances to get a date Saturday nights!! ....and we were just sayin' over here before that you must be a Lot of fun at an orgy--"
Cass rolled her eyes.
"You have to excuse him. They dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Down a volcano."
Hermophraditus smiled. "That's ok, he has a point. It is a weird situation. I don't blame people for being a bit...taken aback. And, uh...FYI," he winked at Cass, "I am a lot of fun at an orgy."
Salmacis giggled. "You have No... idea!!!!"
Icarus squinted his eyes thoughtfully."So, which do you prefer when you go to the bathroom??.....sitting down or standing up??..."
Cass rolled her eyes and picked up the sharp bread knife."Thankyou, Mr. Tact. Would you mind very much if I were to plunge this into your heart??"
"You already have, Honey."
Cass was about to retort when a gong sounded, and many of the students who had late afternoon classes glanced over at the big sundial on the colomn in the town square.
"I gotta go," she sighed . "Home Greconomics....my daily excercise in domestic futility.....time to cook something stupid no one's ever gonna eat........"
"I'm right behind you," said Icarus. "Would I miss a chance to walk my adored fig blossom to class???"
"Fig Blossom's outta here. Hermophroditus, it was a pleasure meeting you. Stay cool."
"Likewise....Have a good time in Greconomics!!"
"Thanks...but I doubt that's possible."
Icarus threw an arm around her cringing shoulder. "Aw cheer up, my Cassie Lassie, maybe they'll do something nice and easy today, like soup... or a sandwich...."
"My Life is a sandwich. A shit sandwich. And every day I take a bigger bite." Cass shrugged tiredly at the boys and walked drearily away.
Icarus grinned and turned to his new friend.
"I'm askin' ya......is it any wonder I LOVE THIS GIRL?!!?? Cassie!!! wait up!! hold on!!! "
Herc laughed and waved them off. "See you guys later!!!"
Hermphroditus smiled. "Those two are characters!!"
"Huh?? oh yeah, you better believe it, but...they're really good friends. Sweet Hermes, we've been through a lot together."
"It shows.....you guys seem to be really nice to people who are....different."
Herc paused...."hey...it's ok. I know what it like to be different. I'm...um..well....the son of Zeus."
Hermaphroditus glanced up in surprise. "Really??! I'd heard about that, but.... I was'nt sure it was true....the son of Almighty Zeus trapped here on earth and winding up going to a mortal highschool??? how did that come about??"
"It's a long story."
"Touche!!! and, a... Icarus and Cassandra....what's the dish on them??"
"That's an even longer story."
"Well...what say you tell me as I buy you dinner???"
"I'll go you one better. Come to my place tonight for supper. I'll introduce you to my trainer, Philoctedes. Great cook....if you like fescue souvlaki."
Hermaphroditus laughed."And is there any other kind??"
PART 11
Philoctedes flung the door open for Herc with his casual good humour, but his beady little eyes grew hard and suspicious once he caught sight of his unusual companion.
Herc smiled and beckoned Hermaphroditus in.
"What..what is this??!!! Is the circus in town?!!?" asked Phil, whose social skills were negligible.
"Hi Phil. This is my new friend, Hermphroditus. He's thinking of attending Pro Ac."
Phil stared at the buxom newcomer and then at Herc.
"It's..... got a beard."
"Ah..well... yes, that's because--"
"It's a pleasure you meet you, Phil,"said Hermaphroditus, stepping forward and shaking his hand.
Phil stared at his cleavage in fascination. Salmacis spoke up.
"Take a picture. It 'll last longer!!"
Phil was jerked out of his reverie."Holy Hera!! what was That??"
"Just little old me....Salmacis... It's nice to meet you Phil, Herc's told us so many great things about you !!"
"Yeah... yeah..well... good..ok...come in... make yourself ta home.....uh...Herc... can I SEE YOU A MINUTE?!!!??"
"Sure," shrugged Herc, "Have a seat, Hermphroditus. We'll just be a moment, Whoa!!--"
Phil grabbed Herc by the wrist and dragged him so roughly into the farther reaches of his hut that he almost pulled Herc's shoulder out of it's socket. He slammed the bedroom door and turned on him like a furry tornado.
"What in Hades is the matter with you?? why would you wanna even know a guy like that???"
"Who?? Hermaphroditus???"
"Yes, That guy...thing....whatever..."
"There's nothing wrong with 's just .....different......that's all."
"Different...... different?!!!?.... you can say That again!!!"
"Well...gee....Icarus thought he was OK."
"And we consider that to be a ... a PLUS??!!"
"Phil...he's not a ......freak!!"
"Well, he ain't normal!!!"
"He's half a man and half a woman....ok, borderline, I'll grant you..but...but he's a great that's what counts". See... this is what happened"....and once again, Herc explained Hermaphroditus'es extraordinary tale. "So ya see, Phil, its not easy for him. He really could use a friend right now."
Phil paced back and forth in front of the young hero combing the few hairs between his horns back on his head in frustration.
"Yeah yeah, very interesting. Herc, I just don't get you, Kid. You don't know enough losers already!!?? You say you wanna be a hero, ya say you wanna go for the gold, ya say ya wanna hang with the greats, but you go befriend that ...developmentaly delayed delinquent and the creepy eyeball chick and Now you're championing sideshow acts!!???"
"Phil.... I don't get you!! where do You get off being so high and mighty!???! you're a satyr!! you're half human and half goat!!"
Phil grabbed his crotch."But I'm all male!!"
"Is that what this is about?? I can't believe you .....what are we...living in the Bronze Age?? what happened to all those Hero Rules about being noble and upright and protective of the different and the down and the defenseless and all that??? do they only apply to rescuing naked gorgeous damsels-in-distress??!!?"
"Well," said Phil, "as a matter of fact-"
"Ok, well, then, think of Hermaphroditus as Half a damsel in distress and That's the half I'm championing.!!!"
"Herc.... ya lie down with dogs ya get up with fleas."
"Listen, Phil....you're my trainer and a great friend. I've always listened to you and believed everything you say.....but it's time to make my own choices in how I view the world..and make judgements....based on my own experiances.....look...I think you should just give this guy a chance, OK??? Get to know him/her did'nt choose for this to happen to him, it just did and he's making the best of it. Why can't you????"
"Because, Zeus Dammit, Herc---"
Salmacis'es soft voice called out."Dinner's ready!!!!!!....if you guys want to wash up..."
Phil looked surprised and turned his head.
Then he looked back at Herc. "This..... is'nt.... over!!" he hissed.
They returned to the dining area of the hut where Hermaphroditus was stirring something over the fire. Salmacis spoke up.
"I took the liberty of punching up your meal a bit. I added some mushrooms and it needed a little oregano, and if you sear the meat first it keeps the juices in. Also... your flame's too high... just keep it on simmer."
Phil scowled. "Hey!! that's a house specialty!!! it did'nt need any--"
Hermaphroditus shoved a spoon into Phil's mouth, and a look of surprise came over the satyr's face.
"Wow... that's not bad!! where'd ya learn to cook like that???"
Hermaphroditus smiled. "You have to kidding......I grew up with 16 nymphs!!
Phils eyebrows shot up. "Ya don't say???" answered the satyr, visibly impressed."How many nymphs again??"
"They were his sisters, Phil," said Salmacis, "Don't get your hopes up."
"We were family" said Hermaphroditus."I'm sure Herc's filled you in on the details???"
"Yeah, yeah..he did...quite a story"....Phil caught sight of the table. It had a cloth on it, the dishes were all carefully laid out, and Hermaphroditus had filled a jug with fresh flowers.
"That looks kinda nice," conceded Phil.
"I was thinking..if you don't mind me saying....you might want to move that table over to the corner and pull that chest under the window where it won't take up any space. It will really open up that wall up and then you can hang those trophies instead of piling them in a corner like that. Place could use a few drapes, too."
"Hey!! I don't need anyone telling me......hmmmm.......ya know what??? yer right!!!!!!"
"She always is," shrugged Hermaphroditus. "I got used to it a long time ago."
They all sat down at the table and Hermaphroditus gave a momentary glance at the sports scroll before he started to eat, shaking his head in disgust."Those guys can't Buy a break!!! he mumbled.
Phil's pointy ears perked up.
"You follow the Trojans??"
"Of course I follow the Trojans!! I follow all the sports teams. Of course, with that lamo Priam leading the men this year---"
"Yer telling me!! Can ya believe it??? They shoulda fired his ass years ago!"
"Yeah!!," agreed Hermaphroditus.. "Lucky for him he had Ajax traded to the Spartans when that ambrosia scandal broke."
"The Spartans!" snorted Phil. "They're just a buncha thugs. Ajax fits right in on that team."
"I agree in spades!!!. Hey, who you like for the Olympics this year?"
"Hyacinth' ll definitely win the quoits again!" Phil declared, becoming more and more animated. "There's no competition."
"How d'ya think Pollux will do in the javelin?"
"Well, he throws so hard he could pierce a hole in the side of a temple--"
".....if he could just hit the temple!" they chorused together, laughing.
Herc suppressed a grin as he got up to clear the dishes. He walked over to the small primative kitchen and started doing them as Phil and Hermaphroditus got into a heated debate about whether the Trojans would be able to make the playoffs or not. Herc took his cue to leave for a while and tend to Pegasus. He fed him his special imported Olympian birdseed and gave him a quick grooming, and by the time he came back he was surprised to see Phil's head was on the table, sobbing while Hermaphroditus rubbed his conversation had turned from sports to Phil's overbearing mother and his subsequent feelings of inadequacy.
"I was never ever good enough, know what I mean????..no matter how hard I tried, I just could'nt make the grade...and..and.....and I never knew my father!!!! Daddy!!!!!! Come back!!!!!"
"That's Ok, let it out, let it all out," soothed Salmacis.
"I'm sorry," blubbed Phil, "it's just been so long since I could unload myself!!" Phil blew his nose and glanced up in alarm to see Hercules leaning in the doorway smiling.
"Achieving closure, are we???"
"Kid......what are You doing here???"
"I live here, remember???"
"Oh.... yeah well, we were just finishing up ." Phil stood up and poured a bowl of cold water over his head.
Hermaphroditus got up and stretched. It was an awkward moment. Salmacis covered it nicely.
"Hercules, I've heard so much about your incredible strengh and training techniques, is it too late this evening to give us a demonstration???"
Phil, always up to show off his pride and joy, nodded eagerly. "How about it, Herc??"
"Not at all!! ya can't train too much if ya wanna be a hero!!!......but...uh..you really want to see me go through my paces??? it's not that exciting"...
"Yes it is!!" said Phil, a bit miffed.
" Hey, no sweat,"said Hermaphroditus, "It'll be interesting......and I 'll pick up a few useful pointers!"
"And I'll be checking out your buns!!" giggled Salmacis.
"Ok, I'm sufficiantly creeped out now," laughed Herc.
"Enough talk!!" Phil led them out to the weapons shed and pulled a couple of swords out of their sheaths.
"Okay.... let's see your moves!!!"
They did a little fencing, and Herc was impressed with his opponent's skill. He was very strong and very graceful, and the bout lasted a bit longer than it would have with most people. When Herc finally did strike the sword from Hermphroditus'es hand, he laughed and goodnaturedly attacked Herc in a wrestling match.
Herc threw him down to the ground and they had a friendly tussle. Herc, won of course, but they both got up laughing, gasping and out of breath.
"You're pretty stong, ya know that??....I mean you are Really strong for a" --
".....For a woman??"
"No.........I was going to say "a mortal", said Herc, wiping his brow, ""I'm a demi god, and you really give me a run for my money."
"Thanks. I've always been strong...I guess a lifetime of chasing a bunch of stupid sheep and goats up and down the mountainsides did it....uh no offense, Phil."
"None taken....here... let's see how well ya handle a javelin."
Hermaphroditus took the spear and hurled it straight at a row of apples sitting on a fence several hundred yards away. He split one cleanly in half.
"Beeeautiful!!!! you ever think of becoming a warrior??"
Hermaphroditus grinned and looked down at his own curvy bosom. "You're kidding.... right???"
Phil shrugged. "Maybe you could join the Amazons ??"
"That would'nt work. I'd have to shave this".. ..he tugged at his beard...."every day."
"So does Queen Hippolyte!!"
They all laughed.
"Omigosh," said Herc,checking his hourglass watch, "its getting late. Maybe I should get you back home."
"Yeah, I don't like to walk the streets too late at night. It's not...exactly uh..... healthy for someone like me."
"It's not healthy for no one, these days, "said Phil. "That's why we train heros like Herc. Clean up these town's a little."
Hermaphroditus shook Phil's hand.."Well...goodbye, Phil. "I'm glad I had a chance to meet you".
"You're...a ...alright, Kid...Mam....Sir...."said Phil uncertainly. "Herc, you bring this character around anytime you feel like it!!"
"Thanks, Phil. I know Herc's gonna make the hero grade with you in charge!!!"
"Don't forget about the oregano!!! piped up Salmacis, "and I was'nt kidding you about making a few drapes."
Herc gave Phil a hug. "Thanks, Phil. I only hope this visit has proved to Hermaphroditus that he Can make his way in the world just as he is. And that he Can go to Pro Ac with no problems."
Phil nodded. "Take it easy, guys."
Pegasus landed in the plaza of the town square where Hermphroditus was staying in a rented room. Herc walked with him to the front door of the hostel.
"Ya see???" said Herc,"ya see how well that turned out??!!?"
"Well...maybe...but you know not everyone comes around as easy as Phil. I've had some bad experiances.'
Salmacis chimed in."Unfortunatly... he's right."
"Well...so... when are you going to enroll in school???"
"Herc ...you're not listening to me...It's not that I'm afraid of being different.. I'm afraid that I won't be accepted... and the whole thing will wind up a complete disaster."
"So it's easier to not make any effort at all???"
"Look...I'm not afraid of trying...I'm afraid of failing."
"Well...then...just.....don't."
"Don't try??"
"No," smiled Herc......"don't fail."
Part 3
Cassandra sighed, and yawned. The oil lamp was flickering, and she and Herc had been working on their homework translation for a long time. The Librarium was due to close, and her left foot had gone to had been a long long slog through this particular translation, but Herc was almost through with his section.
"Ok" he said, "Whew!! almost got it....at least, this is all I can do tonight. I'm sick of looking at this irritating thing."
"Boy, do I know That feeling!!!"
Herc laughed. "I meant the translation!!!"
Cass yawned again. "Uh huh....So...what did you come up with??"
"I'm glad there is'nt more than one Illiad," said Herc, shuffling through his scrolls, "I'd rather goon one than translate it.....Ok...here's what I got...."
Just sit right back and you'll hear the tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this Trojan port
Aboard this mighty ship.
Odysseus was a sailing man,
A captain brave and sure
His Grecian crew set sail one day.....For a twen-ty annum tour, a twen-ty annum tour
The deities were getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless Greeks
The tireme would be lost, the tireme would be lost.
The ship set ground on the shore of this enchanted desert isle
Of Circe... her magic zoo.....
Odysseus...and his men.....
Hermes and...the moly herb!!!
Here on Circe's Isle!!
So this is the tale of the castaways,
They'll live on dates and figs
While Circe schmoozes Odysseus
And the men turn into pigs
No god, no torch, no chariot....
Not a single luxury,
Like Spartan public housing
It's as primative as can be!
"Are you sure that's right??" asked Cassandra with a doubting smirk on her face.
"It's as close as I can come to tonight," said Herc, "so wipe that doubting smirk off your face."
"Well.... it works for me,"said Cass." I'm starving. Wanna get something to eat??"
"Actually I told Ick and Hermaphroditus I'd meet them at the Speedy Pita around X. Wanna come??"
"Icarus will be there??.....hmmmmm.....Do I have a choice??"
"Not if you want to eat, no. Speedy Pita is the only late night snack joint around here. C'mon. We can leave Pegasus here, it's a beautiful evening to walk."
They left the campus and made their way down the narrow ally leading to the main square where the Speedy Pita was located, laughing and chatting about boring homework assignments.
"Of course," mentioned Herc, "what I don't get about the deal with Athena and Poseidon, is, he offers the eternal spring and she offered the olive tree and they chose the olive...but then.. what did they water it with??"
Herc paused, suddenly aware that his remark had gone unanswered. He turned to see Cass standing in the middle of the street, her hand to her forehead in that all-too-familiar pose. Her eyes were green and swirley, her face a stiff white mask of woe.
"Cass!!! what's wrong??? a vision???!!!"
"I see Hermphroditus...a .dark alley....outside the Knucklebones Taverna....I see people...a crowd...a gang...Hermaphroditus falling to the ground...an arrow in his heart...danger...certain terrible danger....".
Cass woke up with a jerk and looked at Hercules. "What was I saying???"
"Oh gods, no!! I knew I should'nt have let him go alone!!!"....
"Let who go alone???"
"Hermaphroditus!! you just had a vision he'd be shot in the heart with an arrow!!!"
"Oh no!!"
"Oh gods...he must be leaving right around now to get to Speedy Pita...I've got to stop him before he goes by the taverna!!!"
Herc paused a moment. "Do me a favor .....go to Speedy Pita and tell Icarus what happened??...I'll catch up with you guys later"!!
Cass nodded. "You got it...Good luck Herc....and....be careful." She gave him a hug.
"Thanks. I just hope I'm not too late!!!"
Herc swooped down on Pegasus and leapt lightly off the steed's back. Moments later, he heard a rustley sound and turned to see Icarus landing a few yards away and folding up his wings.
"What are you doing here!!!??"
"Cass told me about her vision!!" He placed his hand over his heart. "I have come to Defend the Defenseless!!!".
"Icarus ....this is'nt safe...go home!!!"
"He's my friend, too!!!"
Herc relented. "Ok.... well... just.... stay close and keep down!!!"
They snuck behind a colomn to observe an unruly obnoxious group of characters pouring out of the taverna.
"I wish I could be a hero," whispered Icarus. "You're so good at this kind of thing."
Herc grinned...."well....you make an excellent sidekick.....and heroes need their ...you're a very good delegator. Now.... let's see what those monsters are up to......Oh, sweet Apollo!!!!....Bistones..... That's bad."
"What???"
"They're Bistones."
"What are Bistones??"
"Let's just say .......an extremely ......"unenlightened"....... bunch. Bistones are insanely psycotic blood warriors that will kill just about anything that make the Trojans look like a bunch of Lotus Eaters."
"Oh...yer right. That is bad."
Herc lowered his head and spoke in a whisper. "They're King Diomedes men....all the way from Thrace.....they must be on furlough or something...Icarus.... this is even worse than I thought...you better let me handle this one alone."
"Herc, don't be such a worrywart!!!!....I promised my beloved Cassandra I'd come home in one piece!!"
"One piece" could mean a torso with no visible appendages," answered Herc."These are Bistones we're talking about."
The drunken group staggered around the alley, shoving, pulling out their daggers, screaming obscenities, yelling and being generally obnoxious. One of them stopped to pee on a cat.
"Say...... that Is mean," said Icarus. "He's pretty tough."
Herc snorted."That's not tough...that's just disgusting."
Icarus pointed and gasped. "There's Hermaphroditus!!!!
Their friend had'nt been visible before, he had been further up the street, staying to the side of the wall, walking quickly with the hood of his cloak over his head. One of the soldiers tried to corner him in an alcove.
Another one grabbed Hermaphroditus by the shoulder. The others circled threateningly around their new find, who put his hands up placatingly.
Herc nodded "Looks like we got here just in time."
Hermaphroditus faced his attackers."I'm not looking for trouble. Just let me pass on my way."
"That's too bad, 'cause we are!!!!"
Hermaphroditus shrugged off his hands and tried to huury away, but he was stopped by the crossed spears of the grinning soldiers.
"What's your hurry..... Honey?? don't ya wanna hang with a handsome soldier???...how about a little kiss???"
The captain of the Bistones took another swig of wine and burped. He stood squarely in front of the cringing hooded figure.
"Show us your tits!!!" he burst out laughing at his own witticisim.
"Oh, no!!!" said Herc.."I think that guy's trying to get a date with Hermaphroditus!!!"
"Well, he's not gonna get very far. That line never works!!" muttered Icarus.
The soldier winke at the cringing Hermaphroditus.. "Let's see what you have under that hood!!"
Another drunken soldier took another swig of wine and yanked back the hood of the cloak. By the light of the flickering torch he stared at the beard and moustache.
"By Hades....it's a guy!!!"
"No"...said his companion, "it's a girl!!!"
"Its a monster!!!...what kind of water/land animal are You!!??" growled the soldier, angry because he had asked for a kiss.
The soldiers got unruly. "Let's rid Athens of this freak!!"
Hermaphroditus whirled around and tried to punch his nearest attacker, but in moments he was surrounded, and one of the soldiers hurled him to the ground and started to kick him. Hewas hopelessly outnumbered.
Icarus nodded. "Looks like yer on, Herc. It's showtime!!!"
Herc took his cue and strode into the because he was Herc, he always took, at least initially, the path of least resistance. This was, after all, ancient Greece...the cradle of civilzation.
"Cease and desist this harassment of an innocent Athenian citizen at Once!!!!!!!"
The soldiers burst out laughing."Yeah.....why should we??? who do you think you are?!!!??"
"I ....am Hercules, and I feel it's only right.... that I give you fair warning....that.. I am a Hero. Er..well... in training."
"Fuck off, Shithead!!!"
Herc frowned and put his hands on his hips. "Well...gee.... That's not very nice!!!! C'omon guys....I'm giving you..... fair warning!!!
Icarus called out. "That's telling 'em, Herc!!!"
Herc stamped his foot. "I'm Warning you guys!!!!!!!"
The soldier rolled his eyes. "Hey...thanks so much. Shove it up yer ass!!!"
Icarus popped out of the shadows. "You'll be sorry, Pal...that man is a highly lethal killing machine and once he get started there's no stopping fists are registered with the Athens Police Department."
A soldier bent over and picked up a handful of centaur poop. He hurled it at Herc's head amidst hilarious laughter.
Herc slowly wiped the manure off his cheek."Ok that's it!!! I'm officially..... peeved."
He walked up to the first soldier who came running at him sword raised ---and ready to run him through---- but Herc simply grabbed the end of it with his bare hand and hurled sword... and man straight up into the sky. He came down several minutes later in a much more relaxed frame of mind. Two other soldiers growled and attacked but Herc made short work of them too, punching them into unconsciousness, while a fourth soldier ...the one with the potty mouth, was tossed face down into a stone ditch filled with raw sewage.
"You need to clean up your language a little" grinned Herc. "Maybe a mouthful of night soil will improve your vocabulary!!!"
A fifth soldier grabbed Herc from behind but wound up getting tossed head first on the ground and stomped on rather badly {"You did'nt really need that pelvis, did you??'}and wound up getting two broken legs. A sixth soldier ran back into the taverna to call for backup. A moment later 20 more Bistones came pouring out to attack but Herc simply made short work of them all, punching flipping and slicing through his foes in a matter of was in the thick of it fighting where he could and Salmacis got in a few very satisfying knee kicks to more than one crotch. In a few moments not a Bistone was standing, other than two or three of them that had run away.
"Well that's that!!!"
Icarus stooped down, picked up a pebble and threw it after the last of the fleeing soldiers.
"Yeah!! and that's for peeing on the kitty!!!"
Herc turned to his friend. "Are you OK??? let me look at that hand..wow....not a mark on it....you're really strong!!"....
Hermaphroditus tossed his hair and smoothed down his dress. Then he examined his fist. "That was some fight... but I think we gave as good as we got, huh, Herc???!!!"
"I think we scared them off.....amd maybe taught them taught them a lesson or two...I'm just sorry Hermaphroditus....I'm sorry people like that can't live and let live. But I'm glad I was hear to help. This is One prediction Cassandra will get wrong!!!!"
But, regrettably, Herc spoke too soon. Hermaphroditus was just about to answer when Icarus let out a yell, pointing to the end of the darkened alley. They turned, and saw one last Bistone...the one with the two broken legs. He had crawled away during the fight and managed to mount his horse.{We told you they were tough}He had a bow and arrow in his hands....and was aiming it straight at Hermaphroditus.
"Take this you freak!!!!!!" he yelled as the arrow twanged off the bow.
It all went so fast no one could react in time....Herc lunged forward to try to stop the arrow's path ..... but it was too late. The arrow sped through the air finding it's target true and burying itself deep in Hermaphroditus'es heart. In fact, it nearly went right through him. He fell backwards, gasping, gave one violent twitch and suddenly lay quite still.
The Bistone laughed and galloped off. Herc screamed out hoarsely, and was torn between running after the soldier and tending to his friend. Friendship won over revenge, for the moment, and he ran back to the slain Hermaphroditus and quickly knelt down. His face was white and his body limp. Icarus stood over them, sobbing hopelessly.
"Oh, no!! oh Nooooo!!!!" groaned Herc. ....."Oh gods .....nooooo....Hermaphroditus!!!!..No!!!.....why did this have to happen!!!!!??...Why???....why must there be so much hate in the world!!??!! aaarrgghhh!!!....listen to me, my friend.......You- Shall- be- Avenged!!! By my father's lightning bolt, by my father's beard, I Swear...I Swear to you.... that Bistone will suffer the greatest punishment if I have to follow him personally down to the very bowels of the Underworld......
Hermaphroditus opened his eyes and smiled pleasently. "Hello!"
"Huh?!!??" Herc gasped."You're ....alive????"
"Ye gods and minor deities!!!" exclaimed Icarus.
Hermophroditus shrugged in surprise and then glanced down at the arrow fully embedded in his heart. He sat up and drew it out smoothly and with no trouble at all. He sat stunned in amazement."Yeah....I am alive.....and feeling fine....go figure....."
"How can..... that... be possible?!!?"said Herc, examining the arrow that had no trace of blood on it.
"Boy...ya got me....I sure thought I was a goner!!!" Hermophroditus pulled his chiton top down as modestly as he could and showed where the arrow had gone in near the middle of his chest...right through the heart. But there was no injury, just a small red mark that was already fading.
Herc shook his head and sat back on his heels and looked at Icarus, who looked back at him with just as much surprise.
."There's only one explanation for this...and... I ...I can't believe this but.....you've... got to have divine powers.....you've got to be .....be a ...god!! That's the only way this could happen!!"
"Of course he's a god, You Big Dummy!!!"
Herc looked up to see an ancient crone nearby, washing her lingerie in the town back was to him, so he could'nt see her face, but apparently she had been in on the whole conversation, although he had'nt noticed her there before.
"How do you know he's a god???"
The crone turned around, gave him a sly smile and winked. "We know ...Everything"......
Icarus gasped. "Herc!! it's a Fate...that's Atropos!!!!"
"How do you know!!???"
"Well.... her one big empty eyesocket is a dead givaway."
"No, I mean....how does sheknow he's a god??"
"We Know Everything!!"
Herc's jaw dropped in surprise, and he looked up to see Clothos and and Larchesis suddenly scrubbing away merrily as well.
"Atropos.....Ladies......what are you doing here???!!!"
"We're rinsing out our dainties, what does it look like?!!???"
Herc dropped to his knees...."Oh, Revered and Terrible Fates, I know.... that you know...I just want to know.... How you know!!!!!"
Atropos put down the soap. "We know... that you want to know how we know"......
"Yes I know...you know...that I wanna know what you know......what I need to know is How you know what you know and why I don't know it!!!!"
"We know that you want to know how we know what we know...but we can only say that we know and we know you know."
Icarus raised his eyebrows. "Everybody get that???"
"Look, Ladies, please".....
"Seek Ye out the truth in the Temple of Athena.....that's where Ye will find what Ye need..... to know."
Herc nodded. "Whew!!! ok....now were getting Ye very much."
"Ye welcome."
"C'omon guys. Let's roll!!"Herc helped Hermaphroditus up...although he needed no aid....and they climbed onto Pegasus'es back and leapt into the leapt up into the air after them. They were headed for the Temple of Athena.....and the truth.
The boys approached the Temple and handed the priestess a few coins to enter, and once inside they gave another priestess some more money to buy incense.{Hey!! it costs money to run a temple.}
Herc took the incense and sprinkled it on the altar in front of the gigantic golden statue of Athena. The incense hit the flames and whorls of sweet smelling smoke rose in the air.
"Did you bring a mouse for the owl???"whispered Icarus. "She always appreciates it when you remember a li'l snack for the owl."
"No, I don't have a dead mouse on me," said Herc in irritation," and what in Hades would I be doing with a dead mouse now in the middle of the night??!!"
"Never mind!!! I have one!!" said Icarus. "But you owe me." He pulled a dead mouse out of his pocket and laid it on the altar.
Herc shuddered. "Icarus, have you been walking around with a dead mouse in your pocket this whole time???"
"Yes. Why......is that a problem???"
"Uhhh.....well.......hmmm.....no...forget it......it's.... just part of a much larger conversation we need to have at some future date."
He turned back to the altar and fell on his knees. Icarus and Hermophroditus did the same.
"Oh Mighty Athena, Please hear our prayers....we Beseech you, Great Goddess of Wisdom, we, mere humble mortals.... who seek to know the Truth..."
"The Truth, you say???"
Athena suddenly morphed from her solid gold statue state to a living self, and then shrank down to a reasonable height of 6 foot 8 or so. She adjusted her helmet and smiled approvingly at the incense. And the mouse. She nodded.
"Nice touch."
Icarus grinned smugly at Herc. "See???"
Hemophroditus bowed his head.
"Forgive us our hubris, Great Athena...but my friends have brought me here to help me discover my true birthright. We have reason to believe I..am...well.......a god...."
Athena nodded. "You have every right to know.....and it was going to come out eventually. OK...here it goes......
"You...are a god. There."
Herc shrugged."OK...well...that does explains a lot."
"Wow"....said Hermaphroditus..."I'm a god??really??....But how?? and why??"
"The clue is in your name......."Herm--aphroditus???"
"Huh???"
"You ......are the offspring of Hermes... and Aphrodite."
Everyone looked at her incomplete and utter shock.
Icarus gasped. "Go on......really??? you mean.... Aphrodite... Goddess of Love and Passion...and ...."Hermes".....the God of.......Speed???...."together??" Yowsah!!!! ......there's a mental image for you."
"Hey!! said Herc enthusistically, ....."if you're a son of Hermes....and Aphrodite.....that makes you a cousin of mine.!! You're family!!"
Icarus grinned."Every immortal we meet is a cousin of yours Herc, especially if they have a great big fat huge creepy complicated problem!!!"
Hermaphroditus scratched his head. "So...if I want to meet my real mom I should be beseeching...... Aphrodite??? Hmmm... Aphrodite.....her temple's just down the block....... she'll require a swan, though...gee....where am I gonna get a dead swan from in the middle of the night??"
Herc looked at Icarus."Let's see ya pull that out of your pocket."
Athena held out her hand......"That won't be nessessary....under the circumstances....I think an informal family intervention can be arranged."
The goddess swirled her hands over the altar flame... .and intoned the names of the divinities in question.
In a whoosh of gold dust sparkles Hermes suddenly appeared from out of the thin air, floating easily above their heads and brandishing his cadeuces.{um, that thing he's always holding}
"Hey Babes!! like...long time no see! My all-time top fave nephew and that nutty cat from Pro Ac!!"
The boys nodded, and bowed.
And a moment later a gigantic scallop shell manifested itself in a cloud of sparkles and flowers and butterflies, and that damn song started playing again.
Aphrodite, Apphrodite.....Apphrodite.......................... The Goddess of Love!!!!
Slowly the great fluted lid opened, and Aphrodite, a vision of loveliness, stepped out.
"Oh it's always so clammy in there!!!! whew!!! ...ok....What am I doing here??? ....Who beseeched me!??? .....Some dork having trouble on his honeymoon again???? Honestly!!! no one can ever figure out where anything is on their own!!!!"
Athena shook her head. "Uh...no...no... Aphrodite, I beseeched you......on an issue of a more..... personal nature....."
"Oh wow...You finally started dating?!!!???"
Athena stood up straighter and answered coldly.
"Certainly NOT!!!..............Aphrodite......and Hermes...I have asked you both here to greet and meet .....your long lost son"...
Hermaphroditus had been on his knees but now he rose to face his parents.
"Mom???.......Dad????"
Aph went a slightly paler shade of pink but held out her hand.
"Oh.... wow, this is like..... totally awkard....how are you doing, Son??"
"Like, ditto, Fruit of my Loins," said Hermes.
Herc cringed. "Oh, gross!!!"
Hermaphroditus gazed in awe. "Are you..... really my parents???...I ...I just can't believe it!!"
Aphrodite nodded. "Yes....believe it" ......she turned to Hermes......"Dionysious'es 300 year birthday bash, was'nt it???"
"Believe it, Babe." Hermes tilted his glasses and grinned. "That was one nutty weekend."
"It's just that...that..... well....you're the Goddess of Love and Passion and Beauty...and...and.... I'd never expect you to...well....gee...Hermes????".....
The little blue god frowned. "Exactly what is That supposed to mean???"
Aphrodite sighed. "OK, word of advice???? Never fall in love during a total eclipse."
"So...you and dad....it just did'nt work out???"
Aphrodite shrugged. "Let's just say they don't call him the "God of Speed" for nothing..... that".... {here she whispered to Herc}..."and the fact that he's hung like a button mushroom...."
"Oh, gross again!!!" exclaimed Herc . "Why do people have to Tell me these things??!!?"
"Hey!!!" Hermes exclaimed....."right back at ya, Babe," he turned to the mortals below. ......"you may not believe it to look at her, but she's very high maintanence."
"I believe it," said Icarus.
".....and my job takes me away from home a lot....it was a long distance relationship that was doomed from the get-go."
Aphrodite nodded. "So we decided we made better friends than lovers."
Hermes nodded. "Amen, Sister".
"But.... what about me??"
"Oh yeah, there was that.....well....."
Aphrodite stepped off her shell and floated down to the temple floor. She walked over to Hermaphroditus and gently placed her hands on his shoulders.
"I want you to understand something......It was never a question of not wanting you..it's...just ...well.....I'm a career goddess....fulltime. In case you have'nt noticed, I don't have a lot of room in my life for family. I placed you with the cave nymphs...'cause, well..everyone does......it's the ancient Greek version of childcare for working parents... come to think of it....I don't know What we'd do without those cave nymphs."
Hermes agreed. . "Hey, Babe, we knew you'd grow up in a loving home, be safe and happy, and turn out all right......Although"... he added, taking in the dress and beard......."maybe I should have dropped by more often."
Aphrodite nodded."I'm thinking bigtime makeover here."
"Oh...that... well....that's a whole different story." And he told his parents his bizarre tale.
"Well, now, That's quite a co-inky dink," said Aphrodite..."because I believe it was Me that answered that call....sorry, Son..I did'nt realize you were involved."
"Does that mean...... you can undo the spell??...I could...be a regular guy again??"
"Yes...possibly..but it has to be a mutual choice......she has to want to leave you as much as you want her gone....it's a big decision."
"Yeah, Son," added Hermes......."and don't forget..there's major alpha percs at stake here......you realize once you are completely yourself again you have like, lifetime membership priveledges on Olympus. You are a full blooded god."
"Lucky duck!!" said Herc.
Hermaphroditus stared down at the floor and asked in a low soft voice.
"Did you hear that, Salmacis???"
Silence filled the could have heard a pin drop.{Especially one of those really big bronze ones they had back then.}
"Salmacis......I'm asking you...will you let me.... go???"
Salmacis'es small voice quivered.
"If you really love something......you must set it free..."
Icarus leaned over and whispered to Herc. "That's the part I always have trouble with."
"No kidding".
Salmacis'es voice grew stronger. "I set you free, Hermophroditus, I set you free...... of my own will, and willingly part from you body and soul".....
"Ok...well, then" said Aphrodite... is that what you want???...are you absolutely sure???"
Hermaphroditus closed his eyes and nodded.
"Yes, Mom...er.......O Mighty Aphrodite."
"OK, cool.........stand up straight, put your sandals together and click your heels three times....and say... "There's no place like Rome, there's no place like Rome"......oooh....Wait!! stop...wrong spell...hold on".....
Aphrodite whipped a little golden parchment out of the air and consulted it. "Ok, forget what I just said..........here we go"...
She put her hands out and tilted her head back.., and invoked some words in an unknown tongue.A cloud of golden sparkles suddenly massed over Hermophroditus'es head, and descended slowly in a huge shimmering cloud down the lengh of his body. He started to shake and tremble, and the cloud grew thicker and brighter until everyone had to shield their eyes from it's brilliance. It lasted several long moments during which they could hear him gasping and moaning... and when it faded and everyone could see again, Hermaphroditus stood taller, with a manly, flat, albeit well muscled chest, strong manly legs and no trace of any womanly details. A lovely creature lay on the ground curled up at his feet. It was Salmacis. Everyone looked at her and gasped.
She was a mermaid.
"You....you have a fish tail!!" Hermaphroditus gasped..."You're a.... mermaid??"
Salmacis smiled weakly. "Oh dear...did I... forget to mention that???"
"Why did'nt you ever tell me?!!?"
"It never came up??!!"
"You mean....all this time I was part mermaid???"
"Hey!! that's probably why you never ordered seafood!!" exclaimed Icarus.
"Well......yes.....I happen to be a water nymph and a mermaid....they're related, you know..similar job descriptions.......in fact...to be honest it's one reason I wanted so badly to be part of you."
"So... you're not hopelessly in love with me??"
"Of course I am......but there was even more to my wanting to be part of you than just that......I wanted to leave the water, see the world ....be able to travel. Meet people...make friends. It gets mighty dull being a mermaid.....there's nothing to do but comb your hair 10 hours a day. When you're a mermaid/water nymph the gig is pretty limited.....by becoming part of you ...I could experiance what it was like to be a human woman...at least part of the time...and I could really get out and see the world...be a person...I'm sorry...if this hurt you or caused you pain....do you forgive me??....."
He knelt down and caressed her hair. "Do you forgive me???"
"There's nothing to and I were part of something very special, and I'll never forget that."
"Suddenly... I don't want to say goodbye... could'nt we just date each other now????"
"It would be tough...I'm back to being a mermaid...I can't walk on land.....I need to be near the water all the time. And, face it, the honeymoon would be...er... complicated."
Aphrodite nodded. "I'll say".
"Well....yes...I see your point."
She stared at the skin on the back of her hands.
"I need to get back to my pond. I'm drying out."
"I can fly you back there." offered Herc. "Uh...hmmm..though.....I guess you'll have to ride side saddle".....
"No choice!!" she grinned.
Herc picked her up in his arms and placed her carefully on Pegasus'es back. Then he mounted the horse himself. "Hold on really tight," he said. Then he looked up at the gods.
"Athena....we are humbly grateful. Aphrodite...Hermes....thanks for helping us out. I know it's been a bit awkard....."
Aphrodite arched one eyebrow. "Ya think???"
Hermes shrugged. "Hey, it's cool Cats, glad it all panned out....and, uh...Aphybaby, anytime you want a re-peat performance ya know where to find me!!!!"
"Want to say that a bit louder???? I think Hephaestus is Just in the next dimension..."
"Never mind....I'm outta here!!!!!"
Salmacis looked down at Hermaphroditus. "I never.... meant you any harm....I hope you know that.....And I'll never forget you."
"It's alright. I'll come visit you. I promise".
She looked at him in silence, her eyes welling with tears.
"Goodbye," she said softly.
Several weeks later back at the Speedy Pita.....the gang's all hanging out as usual...{do these kids ever go home????}and Icarus was getting a "talking to," and scowling.
"Ok," said Herc, setting his cup down with more than a little force to make his point, "the reason it's not a good idea to carry a dead mouse around with you all the time is"--
"Heyy!!" interuppted Cassandra, "not to cut you ...and this futile conversation... short, but... look who I see over there!!!!!!"
Herc looked up, and saw Hermaphroditus walking around the corner. He hailed him over, and Icarus stood up and waved too, eager to get Herc off the Dead Mouse Lecture. Hermaphroditus hailed back and came over to chat. He shook everyone's hands firmly and gave Cass a kiss on the cheek.
"Good to see you guys!!!"
"Have a nosh." Icarus offered him a platter. "Dove beaks"?? we got Original And Extra Crispy!!"
"Thanks." He grinned. "I can eat anything now that I'm not watching my figure!!!"
Hermaphroditus playfully tossed the morsel in his mouth but Herc detected a deep sadness in him.
"How have you been doing......I heard you quit your plans for school??"
"Yes...well...now than I'm a full fledged god it seemed sort of pointless to stay down here...what with my being allowed to go to Olympus and all"...
Herc nodded. "Yeah!!.....Wow!! that's so cool!!I'd give anything to be in your sandals and go back to live permanently in Olympus!!!"
Icarus looked hurt. "Hey!!!!....what about us???"
"I'd come to visit. You can worship me in my temple!!"
"Oh, gee thanks. I'll bring you a dead mouse."
Herc laughed. "Just no cafeterium food." He turned back to Hermaphroditus.
"So..... when are you leaving for Olympus and incidently......how come you're not there already???"
Hermphroditus looked pained and stared down at his hands for a long time.
"Strange to see these hands so rough and hairy.....I... used to have such gorgous nails, too."
"That's ......not excactly the answer I was looking for."
Cass gently placed her hand on his shoulder. "Hermaphroditus???...you OK??"
There was a long silence. "I want her back, Herc. I want to be with her again."
"Wow..... that's....quite a revelation."
"Yes....it is."
"Does that mean.... you don't mind giving up being your own person and going to live in Olympus?? I thought that's what you wanted more than anything else!!!"
"Well... Herc.... sometimes....you think you want something more than anything else in the world...but...when you're given the chance on the silver platter suddenly....it's not the same. Like if someday you yourself might get that chance to go to Olympus......you just might give it up for a woman you love!!!"
Herc laughed. "You're talking to a guy who barely landed a date to the prom. I don't see me giving up Olympus for a girl any time soon!!!"
"Would you give up Olympus for me?" asked Cass, turning to Ick.
"Don't have to" Icarus purred, throwing his arms around her neck,"I'm already there."
"If this is Olympus it's certainly the low rent district."
Herphaphroditus laughed. "The truth is...I miss her.. I just....miss her, I'm not whole without her. I want to go back to the way we were. What can I say???....I've..... got her under my skin."
Icarus nodded. "Hey!!!....that sounds like a good song title!!"
Herc pondered a bit. "Could'nt you do something a lil less ....drastic????? like... mayb she could be changed into a human??"
'I already asked Mom about that. She says Poseidon knows a sea witch called Ursula that does that kind of thing, but, she's.... supposedly very bad news. A sortov female Hades......not someone you want to do business with."
Cassandra stroked her chin. "The people of the East believed that all humans were once one same sex, and that after a great cataclysm they were all separated....and the story goes that from that day on everyone's looking for their perfect match..."
"That's Sooooo beautiful!!!" sobbed Icarus.
"So....what does that mean???"
"It means... I'm going back, Herc...I'm seeking her out again, and if she'll have me...I'm hers. She... completes me."
"Are you sure that's what you want??" asked Herc.
"Yes....yes it is. In fact...the more I think of it....the more I want it. Can you...{I know it's a lot to ask} but...can you take me to her.....now?????"
"Now???" Herc shrugged. "Sure...why not?? if it's ...what you really want. I'm not doing anything at the moment.......so.....what is Hero Rule 465??? ....Always Be There For Your Friends No Matter How Bizarre Their Requests Are......so....let's go!!!"
And less than an hour later, Herc and his friend, riding on Pegasus, found themselves swooping down into the forest clearing.
At the edge of the stream sat Salmacis, drooping sadly under a willow tree. She was despondently combing her hair and gazing blankly into the surrounding forest.
Hermaphroditus leaped off of Pegasus and approached her softly.
"Salmacis??"
"Hermie!!!!!" She turned to him with a face full of joy. "Hermie!!! you're back!!!"
"Salmacis, I'm a guy of few words...I just need to tell you..that.... I still love you...and I miss what we were together. I was a better person...when you were part of my life....and I know I don't have the right to ask this.....but....if you still want to come back..."
"Yes!! yes... Yes, yes!!!!!" She raised her arms to him and he threw himself into her embrace. They kissed a final wave to Herc she suddenly pulled Hermophroditus in after her, and he willingly succumbed to her embrace, and the two disappeared under the water together. Hercules found himself all alone in the quiet forest clearing. A curious dragonfly hovered over the surface where the lovers had been. A soft breeze blew gentle ripples across the glassy surface of the pond.
"C'omon, Pegasus," said Herc, "let's go home."
And a few more weeks later, the gang was sitting in the Cafeterium.....
Herc noticed him this time, sashaying over in a beautiful new grey silk chiton.
"Hermophroditus!! you're back!!!
"Could I stay away too long from the three best friends I ever made!!!???"
"It's good to see ya, buddy!!!"
Salmacis'es voice popped up. "Thanks!! it's good to be back! and Cass, we have a shopping date!!!"
Hermaphroditus smiled. "I have something of a surprise for you......you guys were so great helping me out with my problem...that Ive decided to officially enroll at Prometheus Academy!!!..... and thats not all.... I told my big brother how wonderful you guys all were and he wanted to meet you.. 'cause he's going to be enrolling at Pro Ac this spring too!!! I'll go get him.....he's just outside tying up the chariot. Stay here, OK?? " Hemoproditus nodded and sprinted out the door.
"Well, he/she's lookin' good," said Icarus. "Another happy ending for the Herc gang!!! All's well that ends well!!!"
"At least things are.... somewhat back to normal" said Cass. "I mean.....I think we've officially finished dealing with weirdo sex problems....other than yours, of course!!!!!"
"Well, I'm just glad he's found his niche," said Herc."There's absolutely no substitute for feeling comfortable with who...or what...you are."
"Hey, guys!!!" Hermophroditus returned with a tall young man who seemed to have a little trouble walking.
The gang stood looking at him.....and couldnt help staring at his, er, crotch area...and they were stunned.
Cassandra gulped. "Good...Sweet..... Zeus...."
"Herc, Ick, Cassandra.....I'd like you to meet my big brother.....Priapus!!!!!"
Epilogue
.....and just what happened to that mean rotten Bistone ?? the one who shot Hermaphoditus?
Yet a short while later Ick and Cass were hanging out at Gyro World.{They got sick of Speedy Pita.}
Icarus happened to look up from a homework scroll he was reading and saw the very Bistone that had shot Hermaphroditus limping carefully over to a table to order some food.He had obviously just begun to heal .
"That's the guy!!"
"Huh??"
"The guy who shot Hermaphroditus with the arrow in your vision, oooooh I wanna get 'im!! where's Herc??"
"He's back at the island. He had training this afternoon."
"Darn it !!! ....where's a superhuman cosmically strong demi-god warrier when ya really need one???"
Icarus glanced across the tables around them and spied Tempest the Amazon moodily gnawing a mutton joint in her bare hands.
"Maybe we can ask her to pinch hit for Herc."
Cass laughed.. "Dream on....She has more contempt for you than *I* do. What makes you think she'll do you any favors???"
Icarus thought for a moment.
Then he got up and walked over to the dark haired barbarian.
"Hi, Tempest!! Howz it goin??"
"You're not even a glitch on my radar, Bird Boy....disappear... before I cleave you in half."
"OK, Ok, keep your girdle on," soothed Icarus. "I just thought you'd want to know that there's a Bistone warrior over there."
"Where?"
"There!! that guy."
"So??"
"He said ....he hates Athens."
"So??"
"He said he hates Pro Ac."
"So???"
"He said...um.....something something something..... oh yeah...."Amazons are a pathetic tribe of homely dogfaced desparate weekend warrior wannabees who don't know one end of a sword from the other and should stay home for once and learn how to cook a decent meal so they could finally land a man to straighten them out."
"WHAT!!!!?????!!!"
Tempest whipped her 40 pound bronze sword out of it's sheath and narrowed her blazing eyes.
"What Else .....Did He Say?????"
Icarus thought for a moment."That was about it.....Oh yeah........one more thing. ....He said you throw like a girl."
Icarus returned to his seat and met Cassandra's amused glance.
"I don't think..... we need Herc right now."
Cassandra looked over her shoulder and noted Tempest piledriving the Bistone headfirst into the marble floor of Gyro World.
"Gotta hand it to you.....you took care of that Bistone."
"Make that ...Ex-Bistone."
Cassandra sipped her drink and gazed curiously at the action. "Wow...you know...I did'nt know a spinal cord could bend in that direction. Huh....not bad, Icarus....not bad."
"Yes"...he answered philosophically, "not everyone can be a hero.....but I delegate well!!!!"
.