Marry me a little

"Will you, Syed, take this woman, Amira, to be your beloved wife…?"

He could feel the whole world spinning around him. He couldn't believe that all this was actually happening. This wedding was like a big dream. Like a nightmare, waiting for him to come and get him. But he never expected the day to come. The day where he had to face the fact that he made his choice. Made a choice which he knew was wrong and against everything he ever dreamt about.

He just stood there in front of his family and his few friends. Staring in the brown eyes of his beautiful fiancé. He should be happy right now. He should be content and at peace.

But all he could see was another pair of eyes. Eyes, so green like the Irish Sea. Eyes, so beautiful that they could take his breath away with just one look. He couldn't get them out of his head. He tried it so many times. Oh so many times. He prayed for a cure, prayed for help. But the green eyes always stayed on his mind. Constantly, forever.

But how could you forget something so meaningful, so amazing than these eyes? Or more important: than their owner.

*******************

"Would you marry me?" Christian drew lazy patterns on his chest.

"What?" Syed looked at him in disbelief.

"Would you marry me?" Christian repeated softly.

"I can't believe you just asked me that." He tried to get out of Christian's embrace but Christian just held on to his arm and pulled him back to him.

"Don't go." He whispered.

"Why did you ask me that? I mean, we can't even be together properly, just out of obvious reasons, and you really have the nerve to ask me if I would marry you? This is completely against everything and how this relationship works." Syed could feel the anger run through his body. Hot and burning. He had to get out of this bed. He felt suffocated. And this time Christian didn't try to hold him back.

"It's not like I am asking you to marry me you know." His voice sounded so tired and vulnerable. "I am just asking you if you would marry me. If the circumstances were different. If we were different. Would you marry me if you could make a free choice? If you could do what ever you want. Would you marry me in this little fantasy world?"

With a sigh Syed fell back into Christian's bed. As always his temper got the better of him. He knew that Christian was quite used to it, but seeing the older man looking so tired, so hurt, he promised himself for the thousandth time to be more gentle with him, to stop hurting him. But he already knew that this was a promise he couldn't keep.

Slowly he crawled back into Christian's arm where he was more than welcome. Christian just pulled him a little bit closer until he laid completely on his chest. Syed could hear a small sigh escaping Christian's lips and he could understand him so well. He felt exactly the same. He felt home.

He didn't know how Christian managed it but he never felt more secure in anyone's embrace than he did in Christian's. Maybe it was because he, Syed, was a man and he was supposed to protect his woman. But with Christian it didn't feel like he had to be the man. That he had to protect someone. He didn't have to be the strong one all the time. He could be weak, cry in his arms and just be vulnerable. He knew that Christian would always be there for him, fight for him until the end of earth. But on the other hand he could also be the strong one. He held Christian on so many occasions when he was too afraid to even open the door. He held him during the awful nights when he had nightmares and he would do almost anything to make sure that the blonde man was okay. Almost anything.

"So, in a fantasy land then?" Syed closed his eyes for a second just enjoying the presence of the other man.

"Yeah, just in our fantasy. If you could make your own choice. Would you?" Christian's voice was shaking a little bit, almost unnoticeable. But Syed felt it anyway. And it still took his breath away that he could make this unbelievable, proud and strong man insecure about himself and about everything they had together. He just pulled Christian a little bit closer to him.

"If I could decide on my own, then yeah, I would definitely marry you, Christian Clarke." Syed couldn't stop the big smile crawling onto his face and he didn't even have to look into the face of his lover to know that his smile was matching the older ones.

"So how would our life be in this fantasy land than?" Christian couldn't leave this game. It was too delicious to dream about a future with Syed. He knew that he would never have this future with him but for a moment, just for a tiny little moment, he really wanted to believe that this future could exist.

"Well, I think we would live in a bigger flat then. Have a little bit more space so that I can finally have a little bit of the wardrobe as well." Syed smirked.

"That's not true. You could always have some space in my wardrobe right now. I mean, we just have to maybe throw a few things out first but…" Christian suggested, but Syed just laughed.

"There is no way that my clothes will share the same wardrobe with your shirts. I mean at least one person in a marriage should have something like a dress sense, which is obviously not your department…" Syed couldn't finish his sentence as he was disturbed by a pair of lips trying to silence him. They ended in a long kiss. Full of future and promises. Promises which would never be kept. And a future that couldn't exist.

"So what else do you see in our future in fantasy land then?" Christian asked after a while. But Syed stayed silent.

"Hey? What's up?" Christian tried to catch his eyes but Syed was too much in his own world to hear anything around him.

"Syed?" Christian gave him a little nudge.

"Yeah?"

"I just asked what else you are seeing in our fantasy future."

"Do you really want to know?" Syed voice was low.

"Yeah I do."

"I think my thoughts are not very happy." He smiled apologetically.

"Hey. It's just fantasy land. They have to be happy. Otherwise it's not a good fantasy." Christian tried to laugh but the look on Syed's face made him choke on his own laughter.

"So you really wanna know? Wanna know how I would imagine our future? How I would want our life to be?" Christian could see a few tears shimmering in his eyes but he still nodded.

"I see us in a lovely house. Nothing big or special. Just a little house. On the seaside. Maybe Brighton. Maybe somewhere else. But in my imagination we are together on the beach. Holding hands, laughing. Just going down the beach. Hand in hand. Like ordinary people. No one is looking. No one is caring. Just the two of us. And there is a dog, Lucky. We will throw a Frisbee and he will fetch it and bring it back to us. We will be barefoot and the sky will be slightly grey and the sea is a bit rough on that day. And then I will start to get freezing and you will laugh at me and tell me off because I forgot to take my jumper with my like I always do. And then you will wrap your arms around me and try to keep me warm. You will give me a tiny kiss on my nose and I will feel like I'm the king of the world. Afterwards, we are going back to our lovely, white house with this tiny little garden which I insisted to get because I wanted to grow our own basil in the garden. Lucky will come back to the house with us and you have to clean his paws because you are afraid that he will jump on your white couch with his dirty paws. And then you will cook diner in the kitchen, while I am phoning my mum, telling her about my day with you. Afterwards we will have a delicious diner together and you will seduce me during the desert and we will love each other during the best part of the night. And in the morning I will just look at you until you are finally awake. Thanking my fate forever that it sent you to me."

Suddenly Syed stopped and closed his eyes.

"So you really want me to tell you how amazing our life could be if I could make a choice? You really want me to break your and my heart by telling you all this?"

The tears escaped Syed's closed eyes, but Christian just sat there and watched him in shock. He could believe what Syed just told him. He couldn't believe that the younger man wanted this future as bad as he did. He couldn't believe that his love finally came back to him. But what a cruel trick of the fortune. He knew that he would never be able to have this future with the man he loved so much. Syed might have wanted to be with him if he had a choice. But he had no choice. He never had. So all he could do was cry about their lost future. About the little house on the sea, their dog and all the other wonderful things.

They had no future.

All they had was this moment.

"Yes, I do." Syed closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

There, he had said it. He was actually married now.

He should be ecstatic. He should be the happiest man on this planet.

But all he could think about was his future. His future full of his wonderful fiancé, his proud family and maybe a few kids. His future full of everything a man could ask for.

A future without him.

And he never felt so alone…

To be continued…