Chapter 1: Choosing

"Hey," I said. My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat.

He didn't answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.

"No, I'm fine," I promised. "That won't happen again."

His eyes tightened at my words.

"I'm sorry that you had to see that," I said. "That wasn't fair to you."

He put his hands on either side of my face.

"Bella . . . are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain-" His voice broke on the last word.

----------------------------------------------------------------[Excerpt from Eclipse; p. 609]-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I pulled my legs closer to my body; my heart felt like it was going to explode at any moment, and I just couldn't stand it. The pain I felt was unbearable; it was nothing compared to losing Edward, I figured. The pain of losing him numbed my senses, destroying any chance of sanity I had.

"Bella, love…" Edward whispered, plaintively.

I closed my eyes - I didn't want to see his face. I could already tell by his voice that he was in great pain.

"Bella…you could go back to him, you know…I…wouldn't mind." He breathed.

Liar; you would mind very much¸ I wanted to say. But I just couldn't get it out. And I'm sure, if I tried, I would just sob hysterically again.

"If it makes you happy, if it'll stop you from hurting like this again, then, I'd willingly give you up." He admitted. "Your happiness is my happiness."

Edward's cold hand was back on my cheek. I opened my eyes and gazed at his seemingly peaceful face. His outer façade may look like that, but I'm pretty sure his pain either equaled mine, or was far worse.

"You need him in your life, Bella…Don't deprive yourself of his company." He whispered. It was then that a small, sad, smile began forming on his lips.

"No, Edward. I'm staying with you." I insisted.

"You love him, Bella."

"I love you more."

He coaxed my face up, shook his head. "I know what you went through when I left. Alice spoke to Charlie about it. He said you were on the road of healing because of Jacob." He chuckled, grimly. "And truthfully speaking, I'm not sure if you'll be able to get over him completely. He's your best friend…and you love him. And who knows? Maybe you love him more than me now."

I started to cry again at his heart-clenching words. Is he going to give up so easily? Was he giving me up? No, he can't; because Jacob already did so. I shook my head slowly, looking into his darkening eyes.

"Jacob…already gave up. You've no longer got a rival..." At this I began to cry harder.

"Bella…" he sighed, taking me into his arms and caressing my hair.

"I can't take it anymore! Why do I always hurt you two so much?" I sobbed.

The pain was undoubtedly going to kill me if I didn't decide soon. But it isn't that easy to choose. I didn't want to hurt any of them. It's more complex, than it seems. Jacob is too close to me – he's my best friend, my sun, the one who saved me from the darkness I was slowly being enclosed in. And I didn't want to lose Edward again. I didn't want to suffer that loneliness all over again.

Either way, I'd surely hurt them both. Why is fate so cruel to me? Did I do something to deserve all this?

I thought of Charlie, and Renee. It would be hard to watch them fade away and die, with me unable to do anything to help them. Calling once in a while to check on them would never be enough for me. And hearing their voices would just make my need to see them greater.

But Edward, Alice, Esme, Jasper, Carlisle, Emmett, and Rosalie are like a second family to me. Then again, the La Push gang has also vacated a place in my frayed heart when the Cullens left.

Why oh why can't I choose? Can't death just take me at this very moment?

I closed my eyes, and clenched my fists.

"Bella?"

"I can't understand how you can be calm, when you might lose me. Can't you get angry for once – or…or something?" I asked.

"Why would I be angry? Seeing you like this, in so much pain…it hurts me more than you can even perceive."

"What if I choose Jacob and leave you? You'd surely go to the Volturi and have your self killed!"

Edward sighed. "Maybe if your time was over, I'd have them kill me. But not because you left me; remember Bella, as long as it makes you happy, I will be as well."

Tears slowly fell from my eyes. Won't it be unfair of me to hurt Edward, who's always been on my side, who's always been so supportive?

I looked up at him, and moved in to touch my lips to his. He returned my kiss softly - although he was a bit hesitant. Usually, I would feel every part of my body craving for more, but now…I couldn't feel anything. There was nothing, not even a spark. My heart didn't even skip a beat like it always does when we touch. I pulled away and bit my lower lip.

I shook my head slowly. What does this mean? I still love him, I know I do.

Edward observed me for a moment, before looking down dejectedly. "There's really nothing I can do, Bella. Your heart is his now."

My heart is…Jacob's? I thought about that for a moment; and yes, it was partly right, but just because Jacob was my best friend, he's been my best friend for a long time. Even when we were children, he was there. At that moment, my heart began to ache terribly. It began to ache for the warmth of a different set of arms.

I clutched my shirt – the area over my heart – and held on to it tightly. I was taken aback when Edward's hand was suddenly on mine. He squeezed my hand lightly, and brought it to his lips.

"Go to him, Bella." He sighed, poignantly.

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob…I gazed at his face he was smiling, even though he was hurting deep inside. My hand moved up to caress his face once more. Our eyes met, and we were silent for a few seconds.

"Edward…I – "I began.

He shook his head. "You don't need to explain, Bella."

"But – "

His lips were on mine before I could continue, but it didn't even last 5 seconds, when he pulled away. He let go of my hand and got off the bed. He flattened out his clothes, and bowed.

"It was fun while it lasted, Bella. But, now, I have to take my leave." His mouth opened for one last thing, but it closed. He hesitated for a moment; then said, "I wish you all the happiness in the world."

And suddenly, my room was empty. I glanced at the window and saw that it was indeed, open. I clenched my fists, and waited for a moment before rushing out my room and down the stairs.

"Bella, What's wrong?!" Charlie exclaimed as he scuttled out of the living room.

He took in my tear-stained face, and frowned. "You've been crying all night?"

I headed for the door, and was about to leave when he stopped me.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to Jacob's…" I replied.

"Oh."

I checked my pockets for my car keys, and remembered that I had left them in the truck the night before. I rushed out of the house, and into my truck. The keys were still in place, and I started the truck's engine.

Jacob…He was all I could think of now. My heart soared at the fact that I would now, possibly be with him. I imagined what he would say. This made me smile.

The trip to his house was quicker than I expected, for I soon found myself stumbling to his house. I knocked on the door, and waited impatiently for it to be opened. And when it did, I darted inside without acknowledging Billy. I ran to Jacob's room, pulled the door open, and saw that he was staring at the ceiling.

He looked at me, and smiled. "I didn't expect you to visit so soon, Bells."

"Me neither." I admitted.

I walked to the chair beside his bed, and sat down. He sat up – his injuries must be getting better - and all of a sudden, his smile disappeared.

"You've been crying."

I laughed softly. "And guess why."

"Was it my fault?" he asked, miserably.

I figured it was alright to sit beside him, so I did. "Yes. It was entirely your fault, you idiotic mutt." My voice was soft enough to not let it sound too harsh.

"What's up, Bella?"

I took his hand, and put it on face. His hands were warm, it was nice. I realize then, that I really, completely love him; my Jacob, my sun.

"Bells?"

"I love you, Jacob." I whispered, looking into his eyes.

Jacob's eyebrows furrowed. He seemed speechless at the moment. I left him to figure it out, as he always did me. When his eyes widened, I knew he understood. He smiled his usual wolfish grin.

"Do you mean it, Bells?" he asked, eagerly.

"Of course, Jake…I made up my mind, and I chose you."

He pulled me close despite his injuries. "I love you, Bella. And thank you."

a/n: It's been sooo long since I've submitted Twilight fics. I'm glad to be back. haha. Hopefully, I'll be able to continue Awakening. haha. I hope you'll support me with this too.

Love y'all,

Ashley-anne-cullen