Title: How To Relate

Rating: T just to be safe

Disclaimer: I own nothing. NCIS is not mine, nor any of it's characters (sadly).

Chapter 1

Big 'D' Little 'i' Big 'N' Little 'ozzo'

A man stepped out of his D.C. apartment building Monday morning. He was tall and athletic looking with brown hair and green eyes and he carried a backpack slung over one shoulder. Click.

From across the street an expensive looking camera used a telephoto lens to zoom in. Click. Click. The man whistled as he patted his pockets, searching for his keys. Click.

He hurried down a set of stairs toward a Camaro parked out front. Click. Click, click. As he got into his car, the man looked over his shoulder, uneasy for some reason, but saw nothing out of place. Click.

Shrugging off the strange feeling, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo started up his car and drove away.

Ding. Tony stepped out of the elevator to the sounds of his coworkers arguing. He grinned to himself as he made out what they were saying.

"I saw the way you look at her, McGee. You think she is attractive, do you not?" Ziva inquired, leaning somewhat invasively over McGee's desk as she spoke.

McGee sighed. "Ziva, I'm trying to work."

"Just admit it and I will not tell Tony," she pressed.

"Morning, my little Probies!" Tony dropped his coat and backpack by his chair before joining them at McGee's desk.

"Just drop it, Ziva," McGee continued, ignoring Tony.

"Why yes, I had a good weekend. Thanks for asking." Tony leaned up against the wall casually.

Ziva eyed McGee as though she were sizing up a suspect in interrogation. "We both know you will tell me eventually. You may as well tell me now. Make it... easier."

"Oh, not much, just watched a couple movies, caught a Magnum marathon," Tony frowned as his co-workers still failed to acknowledge him, "won the lottery, made out with Jessica Alba, and got abducted by aliens. Stop me anytime."

"And why would I want to make it easier for you?" McGee asked, unimpressed.

"I meant easier for you, McGee."

Ziva flashed her widest, most predatory smile.

McGee gulped.

"Ok, that's it!" Tony cut in loudly. "I demand to be let into this conversation."

The other two seemed to notice him for the first time.

"Ziva, why are you torturing McTim? And, more importantly, why did you start without me?"

"McGee has a squash on a new girl," Ziva announced.

Tony looked confused. "What?"

"She means a crush, Tony," McGee told him.

"Aha!" Ziva folded her arms smugly. "So, you admit it then, McGee."

McGee rolled his eyes. "Ok, first of all," he said, "I didn't admit anything. And second, I really am trying to work, so if you don't mind-"

Tony raised his eyebrows mischievously. "Ziva, methinks the Probie doth protest too much."

Ziva matched his look with her own. "I agree. But you and I are both skilled interrogators. He will talk."

"Oh, come on, you guys," McGee groaned.

"Spill, McLoverboy. Who is it? Tell us. Is she hot? Give me some details." Tony planted himself on the edge of McGee's desk expectantly.

"I know who she is," Ziva informed him, ignoring McGee's betrayed glare. "It is the girl who began working in the mail room a couple weeks ago. Her name is Alison, yes?"

"Alison... about 26, 5'8", long blonde hair, green eyes, big smile, right?" asked Tony.

"You have met her?"

"No. Just have a good memory. Particularly when it comes to females."

"Well, I have caught McGee staring at this Alison every morning as she comes through. You would have noticed, Tony, if you were not always late."

"I am not always late!" Tony argued indignantly.

"You are late often enough that you have missed Alison delivering the mail and McGee looking at her with gooey eyes for the entire week," Ziva pointed out.

"I think you mean goo-goo eyes, Zee-vah, and just so you know, if I get here before Gibbs it doesn't count as late."

Ziva brushed that technicality aside with a wave of her hand. "Whatever. The point is that McGee definitely likes her."

McGee scoffed. "Ok, just because I happen to think she's attractive does not necessarily mean that I like her."

"Oh? Really?" Ziva appeared unmoved by his claim.

"Yes Ziva, really," he insisted. "You're not accusing Tony of having a crush and I'll bet he thinks she's hot too."

"I don't know, Probie-san. Generally I'd say yes, but this chick is practically a dead ringer for my dad's half-brother's daughter Donna. Dating someone who looks so much like my cousin would be too wierd. I mean, we used to play together as kids. Practically grew up together, for a while." Tony shrugged. "But you should go for it McGee."

"Here she comes now with the mail," Ziva proclaimed in a stage whisper.

"Don't look at her!" hissed McGee. "She'll know we were talking about her."

Tony laughed. "You have got it bad, kid. Why don't you just go talk to her?"

McGee sighed. "It's just that, well, I'm pretty sure she's out of my league."

"No, she is not," Ziva assured him.

"Maybe she is, McGeek, but it's never stopped me. Girls like confidence and it takes a lot of confidence to approach a girl like that," Tony reasoned.

McGee smiled slowly. "Well, maybe you guys are right."

"You know," Tony mused, "you'd think I'd get tired of hearing that but it never gets old. Hey, you should tell her you're an Elf Lord. That ought to impress her." He winked as McGee shot him a dirty look.

Just then Alison approached the three with her mail cart.

"Here is your chance, McGee," whispered Ziva. "Say something."

"Um… hi, there. You're… Alison, right?" asked McGee.

"Yup. Well, actually I go by Ali." She gave a dazzling smile, clearly waiting for the team to introduce themselves.

"I'm… uh… I'm…" McGee temporarily forgot his name, only remembering as he received a sharp elbow to the ribs from Ziva. "Ow! I'm Agent McGee. That is, I mean, you can call me Tim."

"I am Agent David." Ziva smiled politely.

"And I'm Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. Or Tony, if you like." Tony flashed his mega-watt grin.

Ali gave a start when Tony spoke to her and dropped the pile of mail she had been holding. Stammering an apology, she bent to gather it up. Tony reached down for a package that had landed near his feet and held it out to her. Ali just stared at him for a second before seeming to catch herself. She blushed furiously as she took the package and placed it back in the cart.

"Sorry about that. I'm still new at this, and sometimes I'm a little clumsy. But of course, you guys know that. I mean, that I'm new, not that I'm clumsy. How would you know that?" Ali laughed nervously, twisting a lock of hair between her fingers.

The group stood in awkward silence for a few seconds before Ziva asked pointedly, "Did we get any mail, Ali?"

"Oh, right. There's one letter here for Agent DiNozzo. Er, Tony," she corrected herself. "Looks like that's all."

Ali didn't meet the senior field agent's eyes as she quickly handed him the letter and then pushed her cart toward the next section of desks.

"Well, that was kinda weird. I wonder if— Yow!" Tony gave a yelp as Ziva grabbed his ear and began pulling him away from McGee's desk. "Hey! What was that for?"

"You could not just let McGee talk with her?" Ziva demanded. "You had to flirt with the girl you knew he likes?"

"What?" Tony protested. "Ok, that was not 'flirting'. I was just being friendly."

"A little too friendly, Tony." Ziva let go of Tony and put her hands on her hips, frowning.

"Yeah, Tony. Thanks a lot," grumbled McGee.

"It's the DiNozzo charm," Tony protested, rubbing his ear. "It was involuntary! Subconscious, even. Besides, now you and Al-ee," he emphasized the shortened version of her name as he waggled his eyebrows at McGee, "are on a first name basis. Come on, huh? That's progress."

"Tony, she has been staring at you since she left," Ziva accused.

"Really?" As soon as Tony glanced over, Ali hurriedly turned to her cart and shuffled through a pile of letters, covertly peeking up once through her hair. "So it's my fault for being charming?"

"Yeah, sure. That's it, Tony," McGee sarcastically replied as he quickly turned to his computer and began typing.

"Naturally." Ziva chuckled as she sat at her desk and busily opened a file.

"Charming," Tony paused dramatically in the center of the room, throwing his arms in the air, "is part of who I am, people! Why am I wrong for being charming? No one gets on Gibbs' case for being cranky."

"Is that so, DiNozzo?" Gibbs' voice came from right behind him.

Tony froze, then turned with a short laugh, "Hey Boss! As I was just saying, no one gets on your case for being cranky. Probably because you're not. And because no one gets on your case, period. Not that they're afraid of you or anything." He winced in anticipation of a headslap and was not disappointed. "Maybe they just don't want to risk the head trauma," he muttered, slinking back to his desk.

Tony stuck his tongue out at a smirking Ziva as he sat down. Suddenly remembering the letter he was holding, he went to open it and then stopped. The lettering on the outside was familiar.

"Um, guys?" Tony began, "I think this is one of those letters."

"Another one, Tony?" McGee asked in disbelief.

"Yes, 'another one,'" Tony mimicked as he shook the envelope next to his ear. "Ooh, what have we here? This one sounds different."

"Well, you know what to do DiNozzo, take it down to Abby." Gibbs took a long swallow of his coffee.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm on it, Boss. See if he slipped up and left us any fingerprints this time. I don't really see why this is such a big deal. It's probably a joke. I mean, who could hate this face?" Tony beamed endearingly.

"A joke, Tony?" McGee shook his head. "Any threat made to a federal agent is taken seriously. And need I remind you of the last time we went through your enemies list?"

Tony scowled. "No, Probie, you needn't."

"Are you still here DiNozzo?" Gibbs barked.

"Going right now Boss," called Tony as he dashed off toward the elevator.