Lucas and Peyton. A little AU.

Shades of Gray – Chapter 1

Peyton looked in the mirror, admiring her frame in a knee length, black, thin strapped dress. She had yet to figure out what to do with her hair and was tired of mulling over what to do with it. She and Brooke were late enough as is. With no more time to spare, and very little options that weren't time consuming Peyton finally decided to simply pin it up. Brooke, who was dressed similarly, helped Peyton to polish off her look, with two small diamond studded earrings. The two best friends looked into Peyton's bedroom mirror one last time.

Sure, Peyton was dressed in the proper attire for the day's event, but she couldn't help but feel overdressed. It was all too nice for how she really felt. On the inside she was miserable. She was lucky to have slept at all last night, though sleep had eluded her for some while anyway.

She was devastated to learn that both Karen and Lucas had agreed to today's plans, because it meant that they had given up hope. Somehow they had managed to be convinced or had convinced themselves that Lily would never be found, or that the now would be seven year old girl was dead. Peyton could hardly blame them and she wouldn't, because a part or her had lost hope too. At one point she recalled carrying the weight of that hope for all them, enduring the unrelenting stress it caused for herself, and everything else around her. She had to. For them. For herself. But most importantly, for Lily.

Peyton dreaded attending this memorial or any type of funeral really. She'd been to too many of them. The funeral director knew her by name. But this was not like the others. This occasion was different. Peyton felt as if she did not have the right to attend. The whole situation made her uncomfortable. She knew her presence would garner negative attention, but she hoped she wouldn't cause an outright uproar. She had voiced her concerns to Brooke, but they feel upon deaf ears. They were going.

"You look beautiful." The brunette insists as she slipped an arm around Peyton's waist. "Ready to go?"

A small discontented sigh escaped Peyton's lips. "If I said, I changed my mind, how upset would you be?"

"Very. We're going together Peyton," Brooke affirmed as she freed herself from Peyton to collect their purses. "But you're not doing it just for me Peyton, but for yourself." This was true.

She'd stick with the former though. That was a plausible excuse, right? She'd say she was there for Brooke, if anyone should ask.

No one asked, surprisingly. Not even Lucas when his eyes made contact with hers at the procession and later at the family gathering at Nathan and Haley's place.

Perhaps they had all forgiven her or so she hoped. But if they had given up hope on Lily, maybe that meant they'd now want nothing to do with her- completely. Peyton tried to catch Karen's eye a few times at the memorial, but her attempts were unsuccessful. Karen remained stoic in her grief over the year, even now. And Lucas clung to her side - the dutiful son, and now the only child she had left. Thanks to me, Peyton thought with a wince.

Haley was too busy being the host and super mom at the gathering for Peyton to be sure if she had been graced with her forgiveness. Although Haley's efforts to make Peyton feel welcome, or more like unwelcome did not go unnoticed. But then again, she was busy. And it was usually those same words Haley would throw at Peyton when she called to ask if she wanted to have diner together or see a movie.

Nathan, on the other hand mumbled a few phrases of both acknowledgement and encouragement, when he had stumbled upon her presence in their guest room. She offered an apology for the intrusion, and explained that she just needed a minute. He was very understanding of that and in knowing that she was apologizing for much more. He apologized too, not only for the distance he had been keeping, but for Haley and for all the things he thought his brother had yet to say. She was grateful for that, and smiled for the first time that day.

Brooke brought it to her attention as they exited the Scott's mansion that she was disappointed that Lucas never did say hello to Peyton or anything else for that matter. But Peyton's disappointment lies elsewhere. She was disappointed that she let her fear and guilt keep her from offering her condolences to both Karen and Lucas. She tried to think of the all the apologies she had made in the past and wondered if they'd compensate for her absence of words now. Maybe they would understand.

When Lucas showed up at her house that night, it was unexpected, and questionable. He stood on her fathers' porch with his hands in his pockets, still dressed in his black suit and tie. He looked lost and uncertain, but he held a steady, steely gaze with her.

"Peyton", he uttered, almost inaudibly.

She didn't have the heart to turn him away. She never did.

The kiss was hungry and fervent. His fingers slid into her hair, as he gently kicked the door closed behind them. She shut her eyes briefly, and it was almost as if they had never parted. This moment was very much like their senior year of high school, when she would wait up for him and he'd sneaked out of his mother's house to be with her.

That was years ago.

A little over a year ago they used to share a house of their own.

The kiss was made up of everything she thought she had lost. She felt in his kiss a combination of love and need, emotions she believed she'd never feel again. They were feelings she assumed he had forgotten or at least tried to forget.

But now he stood before her, eyes pleading for some semblance of comfort, or maybe permission to take her to bed. She wasn't sure. It had been over a year since they had last occupied the same space, so she took a moment to take it in, to take him in and all of its suggested implications.

Quickly, she pushed those thoughts away, not wanting to get too ahead of herself. Instead she decided to suppress the questions that lay lingering at the tip of her tongue and make better use of it as she returned Lucas' kiss full force.

She should be angry that he sought her out only now and perhaps for one particular matter. She should be angry at herself. She still harbored feelings of bitterness and resentment toward him for calling off their engagement. But, those feelings were trumped by love and her guilt. They both would loom indefinitely.

The role she played in Lily's disappearance, the reason why Lucas was in her presence today, now, made it easier to let the negative feelings slide. For now, he appeared to need her. And for as long as she could remember she hasn't wanted anything, but him. This would suffice.

Unresolved issues mattered little now, she'd be damned if she let this moment slip away.

When he came to her that night, it was unexpected and questionable and later on she would learn- unwise.

If you read the chapter, I would love to know what you thought of it. Leave a review, please.