Cold Case – Fall. Into the Sky

The darkness is soothing.

Absolutely black, the sky looms over her, not drawing closer but staying up where it belongs, making it impossible for anyone to ever touch it. She stares up into the starless firmament, taking in the fresh breeze from the ocean. Behind her, the house is lit brightly. When she stands back, she can hear voices, people laughing, people talking, but she'd rather be alone now. A few steps forward and the sounds recede. It's quiet, quiet and dark, she's alone out there and she's glad.

It has been a hard week.

Too many mistakes, too many deaths, too much tension building up in between the team working in the Philadelphia Homicide Department for cold cases. Too much pressure lasting on every single person. She hates weeks like that, but there's nothing she can do to change the way of life. Once, there had been a time when she wondered how she would die, when – when, not if – her job would kill her one day. Once, she had worried about that. Now, she had already stopped counting. How often had she been threatened? How often had she been endangered, how many times been almost killed? There was no sense in taking counts. She had long accepted her fate. Seven lives has a cat. Her partner once compared her to a feline. But she already had used up her share of luck and she knew it. It wasn't the question when she would die but how.

She isn't cold, but still, she shudders. It had been close this time, so close she had already accepted it. It had been sheer luck she still was alive. She shakes her head to chase away the memories. There is no sense in trying to remember. She knows when her time has come.

The black sky is cloud- and absolutely starless. A dark color, almost a velvety black and blue. It is beautiful. She stares upwards, ignoring the growing pain in her neck, trying to take in the sense of calm which eradicates from the endless darkness above her. Something like peace passes through her and she breathes in deeply. The stillness of the night envelops her totally, blankets her softly. All the pain and hurt suddenly seem to drain from her. Sighting quietly, she looks down and her eyes meet an almost equal darkness: The dark water of the lake, still and unmoved. The black sky is mirrored in it and suddenly she just wishes to let go, to fall into the darkness which promises ultimate peace and calmness. She hasn't felt like that for a long time. It is interesting how strong the draw something that black, that quiet can have. Closing her eyes, Lil let herself fall.

The water isn't as cold as she has expected it to be – but she hasn't expected anything. Softly, almost caressingly, the water closes around her as she slips from the little wooden quay into the darkness of the lake. It scarcely gives a splash. As the water closes around her, she feels as if she is able to breathe freely for the first time in weeks. She closes her eyes.

…

After a while, Scotty had noticed Lil somehow had slipped from the little lake house his brother had bought last year. While Will, Nick, Kat and Maria and Ben continued their discussion, he slipped through the glass door carefully, stepping into the darkness which enveloped them totally. The lights on the porch were switched on, the little quay illuminated were it led into the lake. Scotty's brows rose. There was nobody around, neither on the porch nor on the quay. Had Lil already retired to her room? But he hadn't seen her cross the room inside, which she would have had to do in order to reach the little guest rooms upstairs. Tucking his hands into his pockets, he slowly wandered along the quay, wondering if she might sit somewhere in the darkness. Making herself disappear again. But she was nowhere to be seen. Scotty lifted his head and scanned the lake, more from habit than hoping to see someone. That was when he saw the body floating in the pitch-black waters.

…

Something comes trampling down the wooden quay and before she can lift her head in wonder to look at whatever is coming towards her she hears a huge splash as something – someone – lands in the water near her without slowing down from the run. She feels something grabbing her and then Scotty is there, shaking her hard and at the same time trying to keep above the water, cursing and shouting her name at the same time, his features too dark to see. Water washes over her face and Lil gasps involuntarily, weakly struggling against his grasp. But his hands are clamped around her upper arms like vices. Without checking on her further he spins around, dragging her behind him, and swims for the shore with mighty strokes. Lil fights against his iron grip, spitting out and coughing up the water she swallows when he accidentally pushes her under. Roughly, he pulls her up onto firm ground, letting her slump on the wet and cold ground and shaking her fiercely.

He is shouting at her but Lil can't understand the words, can't take in his features contorted in anger. Now, after leaving the water, she notices how cold it actually is. She shivers uncontrollably and snaps at him.

"What's your problem, Scotty?"

He closes his mouth audibly, stares at her with fiery eyes and starts to shout again. Lil closes her eyes, exhausted and unwilling to listen to his meaningless words. But she wants to see if the sky still is as dark as it had been before. So she opens her heavy lids again, not focusing on Scotty but on the little piece of darkness behind his head, the longing to fall into it stronger than ever. The cold wind is blowing but she doesn't feel it any longer. Her head sinks back but she doesn't stop staring at the sky. Silence tells her Scotty has stopped to shout at her but she refuses to meet his eyes. Instead, she sinks back unto the hard, cold ground, closing her eyes and allowing herself not to think any longer. She feels herself being lifted and struggles weakly but Scotty's strong and he holds on to her tightly. Her wet clothes stick to her body, making her shiver. Where she's touching Scotty's body, his warmth seems to seep through the thin layers of clothing between them. It is unpleasantly hot. She wishes he would let go of her but he stomps up the quay and crashes through the glass door into the brightly lit living-room. Immediately, a hush of voices erupts all around her. Blinded by the harsh light, Lil closes her eyes tightly and tries to remember the dark sky.

Small hands tear off her clothes and she feels a heavy weight being wrapped around her, probably a blanket. She keeps her eyes closed.

"Leave me alone," she tells nobody in particular. Nobody reacts but a warm hand tucks away a stray of her blonde, wet hair.

"God, Lil," Kat murmurs quietly. "What were you thinking?"

Lil sights. "I just wanted to…"

"There's no reason for such a thing," Kat tells her worriedly. "It wasn't your fault what happened last week. You know that, don't you?"

"I didn't want to commit suicide, if that's what you think," she whispers to her best friend, too tired to open her eyes. "I just…"

"Ssshh," Kat makes. "How long has she been in the water?" She asks someone else instead. Lil hears a voice she doesn't recognize immediately. Maria, she thinks distinctly. Scotty's sister-in-law.

"She left half an hour ago. She doesn't seem too frozen, so I guess she's been in there for ten minutes."

"What the hell was she thinking," a voice growls and Lil sights again. "Calm down, Scotty," she says, her voice becoming stronger now. "You were the one who almost drowned me, jumping on me like that."

Someone chuckles.

"She seems to be fine," John says and Will adds: "At least, she hasn't lost her sense of humor."

"If you call this humor," someone else says acerbically.

"Ice-Queen to the core," Nick finally concludes, chuckling, and there is a loud slap. "Ouch", he complains.

"Keep your mouth shut," Kat tells him.

"Ha, ha," Scotty growls again. Shuffling tells her he is making his way to the sofa – or whatever it is she is lying on. She wants to stay there, it is warm and soft and comfortable. "So you weren't trying to kill yourself, were you," he asks her furiously. "You just thought going for a little swim in November was a good idea? In the middle of the night?"

"I wanted some peace," she says, knowing well her voice is turning acidic. Meanwhile, her sense of peace is turning to desperation. He can't understand, he would never understand. So why is he trying to be there? It's not as if he needed her. It's the opposite, it's her who… She cannot pursue that line of thought, so she hides behind her words. "But apparently, even if I would try to kill myself, you would have to follow me just so you could annoy me. Get a life, Scotty."

Her words fall into deep silence. She keeps her eyes closed, knowing very well the feeling surging through her is instant regret but repressing it violently. Nobody says anything until Scotty speaks again. It sounds as if he has a cold.

"So you can take care of yourself. Congratulations. It's not as if your whole life testified for one great failure. So continue to ruin yourself. I won't care anymore."

He leaves the room, doors falling close silently behind him. And Lil is surprised at the hurt surging trough her. She almost calls him back. But then she keeps her eyes closed and pretends not to care either.

…

She is supposed to be asleep, she knows very well. And she knows Kat will make her pay dearly for leaving the house again. But she feels restless and she knows why. She knows whom she will meet outside.

She steps forward until she stands behind Scotty. His back is rigid and stiff. He doesn't acknowledge her, even though he must have heard her steps on the wooden planks.

Lil tries to think about something to say but can't think of anything. They stand silently next to each other, not looking at each other, until Scotty starts to speak. His eyes are fixed unto a point at the black horizon which slowly is being lit by a faint light.

"What happened, Lil?"

Of all questions, he asks this one. She sights despairingly, knowing she owns him an explanation but at the same time knowing he won't understand.

"I wished I could fall into the sky."

He turns to look at her, incredulity coloring his voice. "You wanted to do what?"

"Fall…"

"Into the sky," he repeats her words and gazes at the horizon again. "And why did you jump into the lake?"

She merely shrugs.

Scotty closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and faces her. She looks at him directly, noting the deep rings under his eyes – which have been there for days – and the deep creases around his mouth which give him a bitter look. In the dim half-light of the beginning day, his face is a study of dark, sharp shadows. They make him look older but all the more attractive. "So it wasn't just a miserable attempt to get yourself killed again?"

She glared at him angrily. "I wouldn't kill myself. You know that."

"It looks to me like that quite often. You left to face George alone. You didn't tell me. You practically begged Edward to shoot you. You didn't tell me where you went when you almost drowned last year. And now you jump into a lake? In November? Have you lost your mind? You could have frozen to death!"

His voice is getting louder and louder. Worried someone will hear them – water carries voices – she tries to calm him, knowing it would have no use reminding him he hadn't picked up the phone the last time. The accusation is there, though, and she hates herself for it.

"I never put myself in a dangerous situation intending to commit suicide and you know that."

"Of course not."

He turns abruptly and stares at the lake blindly. Lil wraps her arms around herself, hugging herself against the cold and the pain which threaten to make her fall apart.

"Promise me something," Scotty says, still not looking at her.

"What?"

"Promise me to not do something like that again."

She feels a lump rise in her throat. "I can't," she says miserably. "I'm a cop, Scotty. You know we cannot promise things like that."

His shoulders slump in defeat. "I know," he murmurs. "I just wish things like that wouldn't happen to you that often."

They stand there, watching the black sky turn to blue slowly.

"I'm sorry, Scotty," Lil whispers and leans against his back. He doesn't turn around. But she closes her eyes and feels the warmth of his back against her face.