Yes, you're seeing right: I'm still alive! I could make excuses for my long absence now, but I think I'll leave that for my profile, if anything. I apologize to everyone whose reviews I didn't reply to, though. Doing so months later would feel kind of awkward, but I really appreciate the feedback nonetheless and will try harder to keep up from now on.

To celebrate my resolve to not pull any disappearing acts again, have a random oneshot! This time, beware of: ...well, actually, nothing too horrible in this one except for randomness at the expense of fairy tales - again.

As for the question of pairings, it's getting slashy once more (yes, the LelouchxSuzaku kind of slashy!), albeit with fewer references to bedroom activities this time. If you squint, though...

The Princess, the Madman and the Peas

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"What's wrong with him?" Suzaku was eyeing Lelouch warily.

"Wrong?" C.C. took another piece of the pizza in front of her, unconcerned.

"You're not telling me this seems normal to you, are you?"

C.C. shrugged. "He's going to die in a few weeks. We should let him have his fun."

"I know, but..." He glanced at Lelouch again, who was currently giving out his orders to Jeremiah.

"And therefore," Lelouch was saying in a grave voice and with a dramatic gesture of his left hand, "you must find a Real Princess so that I can marry her, and together we shall rule this world!"

Jeremiah looked no less unsettled by the mad cackling that followed this declaration than Suzaku felt. "Forgive me, your Majesty," the man began carefully, "but may I remind you that you were planning to execute Zero Requiem in a month's time?"

"So?"

"...Nothing, your Majesty. Forget I said anything."

"It is regrettable that monarchies are in the decline and that the Chinese Empress is still so young, but we will have to deal with this crisis swiftly. Set out to an all-girls boarding school immediately and place peas under every single bed you find there, regardless of whether it belongs to a student or teacher! Whoever looks like they haven't slept all night the next day shall become my wife!"

"What if it's a male teacher?"

"It does not matter. I shall find myself a Real Princess, and if it's the last thing I do before getting stabbed by my best friend!"

"What if they stayed up all night for other reasons?"

"In that case, I shall-" Lelouch began confidently, but then paused. "In that case, I shall hire them as a guard!"

"That's kind of random," Clovis piped in. He put the freshly finished painting aside and turned his attention to the conversation completely.

"Well," Suzaku spoke up, swallowing nervously when everyone turned their eyes on him expectantly. "Why... uh... don't you marry C.C.? I mean, she's here already, isn't she?"

Jeremiah nodded in agreement. Clovis made a face. Lelouch looked at his friend like he had lost it. C.C. dropped a hot piece of pizza into the Knight of Zero's lap.

Suzaku jumped.

"I can see you are quite taken with the idea," Lelouch said, watching him hop around the throne room in pain as if he was performing some fascinating kind of rain dance, "but may I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Have you hit your head recently? How can you even think I would accept C.C. as a Real Princess? C.C., of all people! She even eats her pizza like nothing is wrong although I ordered it with peas!"

Suzaku blinked. "You did what?"

C.C. continued to munch happily.

"I knew it was a bad sign when after looking through Lady Marianne's book collection, he started growing vegetables inside his room," Clovis noted.

"This is so stra-" Suzaku started to say, but broke off abruptly when he made contact with the chair he had been about to sit down on. "Ouch! What's..." He looked up, and was not happy with the way Lelouch's face had lit up in delight.

"You noticed the peas?" his friend asked. His barely hidden excitement should have reminded Suzaku of a child on Christmas Eve, but somehow, it made his friend seem more like a trigger-happy megalomaniac who had just been told that yes, he was allowed to blow up the planet.

"You put peas in my underwear?"

But Lelouch wasn't listening. He had turned to Jeremiah again. "Forget what I just told you," he said. "Send out invitations and prepare for the wedding, for I have have found my Real Princess, and together we shall rule this world!" Again with the mad cackling.

"I'm not going to marry someone who laughs like that!" The cackling stopped.

Clovis turned to Suzaku. "Did you just agree to marry my brother as long as he stops making his power fetish so terribly obvious?"

Suzaku stared at him. "What? No, I didn't mea-"

"Wonderful. Do not fear, there will be no peas at our wedding!"

"What about the wedding night?" Clovis inquired.

"Will there be pizza?" C.C. asked at the same time.

"Am I the only sane person left here?" Suzaku yelled. "I can't marry you! I'm going to kill you!"

Lelouch looked at him blankly. "So?"

"People kill their spouses all the time," C.C. pointed out.

"That's different!"

"How?"

"It... it just is!"

"That's not a logical argument," Lelouch said. "In fact, it's no argument at all. Suzaku, are you nervous about the wedding dress? I thought you liked putting on women's clothing."

"Well, yes, but-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Clovis interrupted, looking at Suzaku as if he was seeing him for the first time. "You have a cross-dressing fetish?"

Suzaku blushed faintly. "No one said anything about a fetish! God, is everyone here-"

"It's the wedding cake."

Everyone turned to C.C. in confusion. "What?" they chorused.

"Due to the usual height and sweetness of wedding cakes, they remind him of his childhood trauma," she explained in a deadpan. "They make him feel like Japan is about to be invaded."

"That doesn't even make sense!"

But no one was listening to him.

"Is that true, Suzaku?" Lelouch asked, getting up from his throne and walking over to them in order to put a comforting hand on Suzaku's shoulder. "Do not worry, Princess. I shall make sure there will be neither cakes nor peas nor cakes with peas in them at our wedding."

Suzaku buried his face in his hands.

"That's so sweet," Clovis commented. He then started filing his nails.

"So you're going to marry him?" C.C. asked, turning to Suzaku.

He glanced up. Lelouch was looking at him hopefully.

Suzaku brought his hands to his face again. "Whatever," he finally said. He was willing to do anything at this point if it meant stopping this madness!

"Perfect!" Lelouch declared. "You will not regret it. No longer shall those horrible peas be allowed to walk this earth as they please!" Suzaku did not bother to point out that peas do not walk.

"Congratulations, your Majesty," Jeremiah said.

When the wedding took place not even a week later – Suzaku disguised so perfectly by Clovis and a pizza-bribed C.C. that no one would ever recognize him -, there were indeed neither cakes nor peas present, and the same was true for the wedding night. For several days, Lelouch was happy ruling the world together with his Real Princess, and Suzaku was equally happy that his friend-turned-husband made an effort to restrict the mad fits of laughter and insane remarks to a bare minimum around him. However, when Lelouch placed the peas he had put into Suzaku's undergarments that day in the Royal Museum during a grand celebration, Zero Requiem almost happened several weeks too early. Lelouch divorced Suzaku on the very same day, regretfully telling him that he could not allow his carefully laid plans to go to waste.

As Clovis mumbled something about control fetishes winning over power fetishes, Suzaku could not believe it had been Lelouch who had ended their relationship.

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End

Since both Lelouch and Clovis got to have their fun, I thought Suzaku deserved some tormen-... spotlight, too.

I know, I know, it's sad when Lelouch starts talking about walking peas, but he's snapped and makes Suzaku look sane and, in some ways, much more logical in comparison, so that's my excuse. (Purely speaking of this oneshot, of course - I wouldn't want to judge their sanity or lack thereof in canon. My head would explode trying to pick a winner.)

Hope you enjoyed the crackiness!