((Second fic! Yay! Thoughts? Don't be too harsh, but con-crit is welcome! less than 3))

Depression is humans reaction to every fucked up situation we put ourselves through. But it takes a smart man to see the grand picture. It takes deep thinking to realize the horror of apathy, and what we've done. It takes a normal life to realize you're alone.

That's why Edward has locked himself in his apartment for the last two weeks. That's why Edward stopped picking up the phone a week ago. That's why Edward sits up alone, with a bottle of his unused depression meds.

Self preservation is human response to harm. It tingles our skin, and drops our stomachs until we are out of harms away.

That's why Edward can't do it. He can just take the pills. Though he desires the end result, his body won't let him.

So like any rational person, Edward did the next best thing. He went and got drunk. Liquor for his nerves.

Edward had drank a lot. He could tell by the way people blurred by, by the way the bartender was starring. He could tell because his hair had went from somewhat decent looking to disheveled. He could tell because he almost fell backwards out of his bar stool, only to be caught by a strong pair of hands. He looked up to see two piercing blue eyes, surrounded by blond curls and a light stubble. Scattered randomly were scars on his cheeks, neck and arms. The man smiled warmly, but his face held dark circles from lack of sleep. His face held secrets. Edward stared at him for a few moments before regaining his composure, and pulling himself back on the chair. The man sat next to him, and smiled again, and Edward felt a bit warmer.

"How much have you had to drink?" The man drawled out, and Edward was infatuated with his velvet words. The sounded so wrong next to his slurred own.

"Enough to Sstop everything for a bit." The man sent him a sad smile, and went to order a drink, but the bartender interrupted him before he could place his order.

"Your friend is cut off. Take him home, and get out of hear. God. I can smell him from here." The bartender said, and it left no room for argument. The man nodded, and stood lightly grabbing Edward's shoulder to take him out of the bar. Edward felt the guilt hit them when they got out to the cold streets of Chicago, out of the warm bar.

"I'm so sorry. I fuck everything up." Edward said quietly, and put his hands on his head in aggravation. He let out a breathless "Fuck" that even he knew sounded pathetic. The blond haired man grabbed his arm gently, and tilted his face to his own.

"Relax darling." The man drawled.

"I don't want to be alone right now." Edward whimpered, and the man tensed for a second, before pulling Edward into a one armed hug and flagging a taxi. Edward closed his eyes and leaned into the man, leaning into the only warmth he felt in years.

"Thank you..." Edward paused, and looked up into those blue eyes.
"Jasper. The names Jasper."

They climbed into the taxi, Jasper supporting Edward the whole way, and drove for a bit. Edward watched the street lights go by, but really appreciating the way they lit up Jasper's face. He leaned against Jasper's shoulder, and clung to his arm.

Jasper looked at Edward's face, looking at the innocence in his clinging arms. Still a line of worry ran his forehead, and he turned to watch the lights go by, away from Jasper's greedy eyes.

They arrived, and went in the side door. Jasper pulled out the key card for the motel room, and opened it, leading Edward in. Edward silently watched the door close, and looked around the small motel room, like he didn't understand where it was.

"I don't live in Chicago...I.." Jasper shut his mouth as he watched tears start to come to Edward eyes, and watched him try to turn quickly to hide them from Jasper. Edward walked slowly to the bed, and starred at it. He then took off his coat, and Jasper mimicked the action.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to fuck me."

Jasper stilled, and he stared into those emerald eyes. He walked up to Edward and pushed him gently on the bed. Jasper leaned down and kissed Edwards neck softly, trailing kisses up his jaw. Edward squirmed, and moaned. Jasper's lips met his ear.

"I'm not going to fuck you." He said gently. Edward eyes snapped open, and he stared at the blond above him for a second in confusion.

"Why?"

Jasper leaned down and kissed Edwards lips gently before replying.

"Because you don't deserve the fuck of a stranger Darlin. You deserve the loving of a lover."

Edward froze, and Jasper looked at him with concern. Then tears began to leave those green eyes, and Jasper leaned down to kiss them all away. This only brought more tears from Edward.

"I was going to do it tonight. I was going to take all those fucking pills. I was going to fucking finally do it....then you...you." Edward sobbed, and Jasper heart went cold. He gathered Edward into his arms, holding him tight until the sobs stopped, and his breathing evened. Jasper listening to the boys sleeping breaths, admiring his beauty in the darkness.

Then, Jasper cried.

It was cold when Edward woke up. He opened his eyes to see an empty bed next to him, and quickly shut his eyes. Of course he was gone. Why would he have stayed?

"Good morning Edward. Do you like coffee?" A sleepy voice called from behind him. Edward turned to see Jasper next to the window with a hot cup of coffee. Edward nodded and cursed the hangover he felt. Jasper handed him a cup of coffee, and smiled. The smile the kept melting Edward's heart.

"Edward. Did you mean what you said last night?" Jasper asked softly. Edward looked into his black cup of coffee frowning, but nodded. The plan had been get drunk, and come home to finish the job. Edward didn't want pity.

"When do you leave?" Edward asked quickly, and Jasper froze. He turned to the window, and Edward felt his heart sink.

"Edward. A year ago I decided nothing in this world holds me here. I sold every thing I owned, and decided to travel until I ran out of money. Then I'd kill myself, somewhere beautiful."

He paused, and Edward drew in a shaky breath.

"And you know what Darlin? I'd love it if you'd join me." Jasper turned from the window, and his eyes met Edward's and only held love. Edward dropped his coffee cup and stood, walking to Jasper slowly. He kissed him gently on the lips, and Jasper's arms wrapped around his waist pulling him closer.

1 year later.

The beach was cold, and it was still before morning. The light rain ended but the beach was abandoned. Edward shook gently, and Jasper held him close. Edward kissed Jasper greedily, and Jasper smiled, before kissing him gently on the lips.

"Edward. I want you to know I love you so much."

"Japser..."

Edward had been feeling doubts. Doubts in the plan. Every moment he spent with Jasper was a moment he loved, and the last year had been perfect. They had talked about it. Not going through with it. But Jasper always held firm.

Jasper handed him a couple pills, and got a few out for himself. He smiled at Edward lovingly, and Edward started to cry. Jasper leaned over for a chaste kiss, and Edward savoured the warmth. They both swallowed the hand full of pills, and laced their hands together looking out towards the sea.

Edward's body start to feel heavy, and he looked over to Jasper who was watching him carefully. His muscles ached to relax and he fell backwards, right into Jasper's waiting arms. He looked to Jasper with questions burning in his eyes, but Jasper shushed him.

"When you wake up, I want you to live like you have been. I want you to travel. I want you to be happy.." he said softly, and Edward tried to protest but his lips felt heavy. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and Jasper leaned down and kissed them away.

"You never wanted to die Edward. You just wanted to live. A reason to live. And I can't...I can't do it. These memories..." he paused, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"I want you to live for both of us. I want to to fucking run and never get tied down. I want you to live."

Edward felt his vision begin to blur, and Jasper pulled away, slipping another pill in his mouth. A pill he hadn't gave to Edward. He leaned down and kissed Edward one final time before cupping his face and smiling.

"Don't forget to wake up." He whispered.

And Edward's conscious slipped away. He expected to see darkness, but he didn't. He saw memories.

He saw himself one year ago, packing all of his things, and purposely not leaving a note.

He saw him and Jasper running in the snow, almost not getting back in time to make it on their train.

He saw Jasper chain smoking as he recalled the horrors of his childhood.

He saw Jasper in a suit, dancing with him in a crowded room. And even though all eyes were on them, the only eyes he noticed were the blue pools in front of him.

He saw the first night they made love, Jasper kissing him continuously, and going so slow Edward begged for more.

He saw the fight they had got in over whether to go with the plan or not.

He saw Jasper in a dim lit corner smiling, while a white door was on the other side of him. He walked to Jasper, smiling as Jasper took steps back into the darkness. Edward followed him right in, and as soon as he hit the shadow, he felt immense pain. He stopped, shrinking back from the pain.

"How foolish of you to think I could go anywhere without you Jasper."he whispered.

He walked into the darkness. And then, there was nothing. Nothing but the absence of something. And Edward prayed he wouldn't wake up.